Tuesday, September 24, 2002

so many transitions seem to be happening right now. many of the people i know are rearranging their lives, finding new meaning.
i myself keep vacillating between feeling completely centered & being completely scattered. but when my focus clears, magic seems to happen.
i wonder way too often if i'm doing the right things . i've been trying to turn off or at least tone down my "chattering monkey" mind. i just get so caught up in not wanting to cause harm to others, especially those i care about the most.
been wondering if my attempts at self expression are sometimes doing more damage than they are good.
i can only hope that intentions are clear & that good things come of it.
this year has been such the year of truth & openness for me. i'm finding a side of myself that i'd always hoped was there & am finding it truly is.
mind you, i still have plenty of my own personal drama, etc., but by opening myself up to the "mystical" , to the magic that life can have, i feel that i've gained so much. it makes life worth living.and ya just gotta take the chance & not be afraid, cus if ya keep the door closed because you are afraid of getting hurt or expectations not being met, you can never experience the wonder that's out there.
so, i keep attempting to emerge from my cave more often.
it's a struggle, but i'm making progress...;^)

Monday, September 16, 2002

i know I've been bad about posting. Actually haven't been at the computer much lately.
Went to the Around the Coyote Arts Festival in Wicker Park/Bucktown this weekend. for the most part it was about the same as the last few years. some artists are doing the exact same thing & some have grown exponentially. and there's always gotta be one that completely blows you away.
This year's winner in my opinion is Summer Zandrew.
i swear i could get lost in the simple beauty of her paintings for hours on end.i only wish she had a website so y'all could see 'em.

i've gotta make sure that i make the effort next year to show my work. wanted to this year, but never got around to entering.
it'd be interesting to see what kind of feedback I'd get.

well, life just seems to keep getting more & more interesting these days. i never seem to be able to predict what's around the corner.
everything always seems to work it's magic though :)

Thursday, September 05, 2002

selflessness...relinquishing desire...supposedly the keys to real happiness. well, i guess i'm gonna see if it's true. i've tested myself before to see if i walk my talk & now the time has come again.
somehow it all feels natural now.
will i have all the strength i think i do? hell yeah!
time for a lil discipline in my life.
time to prove to myself that i am who i say i am.

Wednesday, September 04, 2002

a few days pass and the ride continues...thoughts race, possibilities rise & fall & i simply can't let go of idealistic visions.
love's got a hold on me...like never before.how it manifests has yet to really be decided. guess there is a whole lifetime for that.
isn't it written somewhere that patience is the key to happiness?
i've been wondering if i have been getting so far into my own visions & my attempts to create the world i want that i've become completely delusional. feels like i can see so many layers of reality these days...metaphors overlaying metaphors, etc. etc....that it's hard to distinguish where my part of it ends & other peoples parts begin. maybe this is a good thing. that trancendental connection..unity conciousness or something along those lines. i dunno. but it sure is interesting & making my life a hell of a lot more interesting than it used to be. :)
i'm feeling a freedom creeping up on me that i've always longed for. shedding those final skins that were given to me to wear rather than grown by myself. choosing my reality instead of simply accepting it. sounds opposite of the way i live on so many levels...i've always thought of myself as more of a taoist...
i guess it's the whole "wishing something into existence & then letting it go & trusting that life will provide exactly what it should" thing. taking control yet letting go at the same time. it's hard to be that vulnerable sometimes. but it leads to the greatest rewards. i truly believe that. what else can i do but trust that i will come out ok no matter what comes my way? to think otherewise seems like a waste of time & energy.
i know i have this tendency to get myself into intense situations sometimes. i always wonder how it really affects those around me. wonder if it's fair to them....but then, it's me & how can i apologize for being true to myself? especially if my heart & motives are in the right place (right place meaning coming from acts of love and understanding & respect for all things, not from self serving wishes). maybe i kid myself when thinking I'm not trying to serve my own interests. i dunno. all i can say is i try my best to show my respect & awe of that which is all things. just hope i can continue to keep my head up & shine like the sun.

Sunday, September 01, 2002

well, it's taken me a while to get to posting again. guess I needed a little pick me up in my life & i got it tonight. Nothing quite like being reassured that that which you'd thought you'd lost is still really there :)
dreams have been intense & feelings neglected show themselves once more.
funny how the truth can never be hidden. it always seems to reveal itself.
i'm finding that words just aren't what's needed so much at this point & that expression through action is so much more rewarding. reminds me of an awesome bucky fuller quote :
"You can't better the world by simply talking to it. Philosophy to be effective must be mechanically applied."
right on...you'll probably be seeing a lot more quotes from here as time passes us by...
till next time...keep true to yourselves.