Wednesday, September 04, 2002

a few days pass and the ride continues...thoughts race, possibilities rise & fall & i simply can't let go of idealistic visions.
love's got a hold on never it manifests has yet to really be decided. guess there is a whole lifetime for that.
isn't it written somewhere that patience is the key to happiness?
i've been wondering if i have been getting so far into my own visions & my attempts to create the world i want that i've become completely delusional. feels like i can see so many layers of reality these days...metaphors overlaying metaphors, etc. etc....that it's hard to distinguish where my part of it ends & other peoples parts begin. maybe this is a good thing. that trancendental connection..unity conciousness or something along those lines. i dunno. but it sure is interesting & making my life a hell of a lot more interesting than it used to be. :)
i'm feeling a freedom creeping up on me that i've always longed for. shedding those final skins that were given to me to wear rather than grown by myself. choosing my reality instead of simply accepting it. sounds opposite of the way i live on so many levels...i've always thought of myself as more of a taoist...
i guess it's the whole "wishing something into existence & then letting it go & trusting that life will provide exactly what it should" thing. taking control yet letting go at the same time. it's hard to be that vulnerable sometimes. but it leads to the greatest rewards. i truly believe that. what else can i do but trust that i will come out ok no matter what comes my way? to think otherewise seems like a waste of time & energy.
i know i have this tendency to get myself into intense situations sometimes. i always wonder how it really affects those around me. wonder if it's fair to them....but then, it's me & how can i apologize for being true to myself? especially if my heart & motives are in the right place (right place meaning coming from acts of love and understanding & respect for all things, not from self serving wishes). maybe i kid myself when thinking I'm not trying to serve my own interests. i dunno. all i can say is i try my best to show my respect & awe of that which is all things. just hope i can continue to keep my head up & shine like the sun.

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