Wednesday, August 27, 2003


well, had a surprising weekend.
my good friend michelle came in to visit from St. Paul and her, my ex stacie & I all went to the grand opening party for my friend margaret's new handmade shoe store, Traipse.
it was a really good time. met some wonderful people and even had a good ol' conspiracy/gnosis argument.
i feel a bit guilty about how i dealt with that conversation, i let my aries passionate hot headedness get the best of me, but i know i made my points clearly. just could have been a bit more "gentle" about it.
i've been spending the last few days working on the new website again. hope to at least post a working version by the end of the week. so many images to resize! so much content to fill!
plus getting things together for Around the Coyote
i'm a bit nervous about talking about my art. i'm sure it will go well though.
been working the ideas for the graphic novel too. it's really starting to come together. (in my head at least)

yesterday was my best friend sweet p's birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY!). unfortunately, things are at a place right now where i can't celebrate with her easily. sometimes i could just slap myself for making situations awkward.
oh well..i'm only human.and we'll just leave it at that.

crystal & patty are showing their knitties & patty's soap this coming weekend at Womyn's Fest.
those two make the most amazing & beautiful stuff.
i'm addicted to patty's soaps (Scrub No Evil ), the lather is simply amazing.
and the scents & can tell they are made with love.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

life is full of...well...complications, disappointments, miracles, and hard lessons to learn.
lately it's been more towards hard lessons & complicated emotions that leave scars.
why can't anything be simple? why have we all strayed so deep into the abyss of dishonesty, self delusion and self immolation?
well. who the hell knows....
all i know is that i want out.
this whole reality stinks to high heaven of ignorance, stupidity, laziness, arrogance, vanity, i could go on & on.
this isn't by any means to say that i'm separate from any of this.
by no means am i above falling into these trappings. i simply realize it when i do & try to make ammends as best i can.
seems that all i really do is make a bigger mess & end up disappointing everyone around me.
my idealism becomes a curse.
i forget to remember that what other people present to me is projected thru their own reality filter & not my own. mine is so different from everyone elses that this becomes a big problem. especially when i love someone deeply.
i guess i need to learn to never want. to never desire.
to simply be and let life guide me as it will, cus when i stop living in such a manner, all i do is create a big mess.
it tires me. it beats me up & tosses me around like a ragdoll.
the only way i can overcome it is by overcoming myself.
i apologize to the world & all of those whom i have let down.
i'm amazed at the arrogance that can well up in me (damn aries tendencies!)
all i can do is try to be more humble & accept what is given to me.
it's not that i lack confidence or anything like that, or that i have any self loathing tendencies, just that i ask too much of the world and myself.
so, may i die & be reborn before i cause more of a mess than i ever anticipated.
just get me the hell away from this stupid thing called civilization which is by no means what it says it is.

Friday, August 01, 2003

wow, well, my habit of not posting that often can't quite seem to shake me.
where do i start....been trying to keep busy making new artwork for Market Days & Around the Coyote. keeping up the garden: there are now cukes pumpkins & squash starting to grow. black beans podding too. today I sat for awhile & watched the bees a buzzin', pollinating all of the lil flowers everywhere. saw a few other insects that i'd never seen before. one that looked like a mix of a wasp, ladybug & firefly.
going out for some curry tonite with the sweet p. we've been tossing around ideas for a graphic novel. i think it's an artform long overdue for your's truly considering it will discipline me & marry two of my favorite art forms, visual art & writing.
it'll be interesting to see what we come up with. we always have very interesting & boundary pushing conversations about the world, philosophy & just about everything else ya can imagine, so whatever we give birth to should at least be interesting. :)
beyond that there's not much happening other than the regular day to day.
the new website should be up within the next week & i have to get my friend crystal's up & running too.
it's gonna be a super busy week.
till next time...

Monday, July 14, 2003

well...once again i lapse in my postings.
oh well...
the garden is growing wonderfully.
we've already harvested some spinach, the squash & pumpkin vines are out of control, the cukes are blooming, the blackbeans are growing, the peas are get the idea ;)

it's been a tumultuous couple months. feel like i've been spun round, over & in a spiral.
love does crazy things to ya....that's all i've gotta say.
i've applied for the Around the Coyote arts festival which is this fall and also am selling goods at Northhalsted Market Days with my friends crystal & patricia. patty is making vegan soaps, crystal is making clothing & accessories, and i'm making a bunch of small paintings & such. i was going to make hand dyed & painted sarongs, but i simply don't have the time this season to learn the technologies (the street fair is only three weeks away!)
so much to do, so little time.
my friend ami g is wanting to start a collaborative musical project with me. i think as long as her & i can maintain a balance in input we'll make some awesome music.
i think for the first time I'm having to learn to schedule my life!

i don't know if i like that! maybe it's just laziness...or fear of success?
whatever...i've gotta get over it.

Wednesday, May 07, 2003

yes, the seeds were sown! ended up planting yesterday instead of today & patricia & i had the help of jack & veronika, the children of my wonderful landlady & friend margaret. it was a beautiful sunny afternoon & it felt oh so good to get those hands in the soil! then i had dinner with my long lost friend monica & had a really good time. also found out that someone might be interested in a couple of my paintings. hopefully the sale will actually happen. i could really use the dough. spring has sprung & it's finally turnin fun. i feel like I've let go of my inner turmoil & am now able to finally enjoy everything without wondering how things are going to turn out.
and check it out...i'm even managing to post almost every day! wow! :)

Monday, May 05, 2003

well, since i posted something so internal & exposing, i figure i've gotta balance it out...
started painting again a couple of days ago...much enjoyment from that!
got a nice rain last night to help mingle the soil in the garden.
looks like wednesday is going to be the day for sowing seeds! whoohoo!
tuesday night I'm seeing an old friend from college that i haven't seen in something like twelve years, that should be exciting. i ran into her in the Gold Coast Whole Paycheck...errr...whole foods a week ago. it's going to be like a little time capsule. i was a different person when i knew her (fresh to the big city out of small town central illinois).
beyond that, i've gotta get some slides taken of my art for my Around the Coyote festival application..
i don't even have a decent camera, so that's gonna take some work...
but it's worth it.
sometimes i wonder if my obsessions are destroying me....
matter of fact, i'm pretty damn sure they are. how can i free myself from these things?
how can i once again be free inside myself?
wanting something so badly that it eclipses all else is most definitely not a good or healthy thing.
how do i learn to let go? how do i learn to accept things that aren't in my control? how did i ever forget how to do that?
it used to be so natural to me to flow freely like the waters.
never have i felt such passion overwhelm me. and the fact that i see what i do only compounds the problem.
(most would call me arrogant or self centered for seeing & feeling what i do as strongly as i do, but my past experiences all point to my ability to trust my own insight. in almost all cases, that which i inherently know or feel has been right in retrospect-and usually for all parties involved)
relinquishing desire. being selfless. it all used to come so much more readily.
but now i'm caught in a spiral of my own creation. one that is dissolving my very being, leading me into a place that i fear i don't know how to escape.
to be trapped by my own unbending will & desire when so many new options and opportunities for growth are surrounding me makes me sick with myself. i know better, believe me....yet i simply cannot seem to regain my composure and feel like i'm on the verge of falling apart. least i feel that way one second, then the next i may feel completely the opposite.
this rollercoaster ride doesn't seem to be ending...will someone please stop the ride?...i think i need to get off.....
i know i can handle it...i've handled many things before....i just need to believe in myself & my ability to survive through anything.
it doesn't help much to have had so many things happen within the last year though....fractured worlds abound in these times....i just wish i felt at home. instead i feel lost....

Saturday, May 03, 2003

well, the garden has been started...the soil has been turned, and damn if i didn't work myself good today. i'm gonna be sleeping hard & waking a bit achey i'm sure. but it was a lot of fun. we went & treated ourselves to some awesome thai food afterwards...much deserved if ya ask me. tomorrow it's supposed to rain (which will be good to settle the soil back in) and then sometime next week the actual seed sowing begins. but now it's time to rest.... is the big day...time to turn the soil for darren & patricia's amazing organic veggie & herb garden! whoohoo! I'm really excited. :)
the sun's been out (although there is still a chill in the air) and spring is finally arriving. It's been a little bit tardy in arriving in Chicago this year.
here's a small list of some of the things we will be growing:
shell peas, spinach, cukes, onions, carrots, chives, basil, echinacea, black beans, yarrow, calendula, chamomile, clary sage, borage, and i think a few other things too.
i walked both to and from work today (for a total of about fifteen miles) so I've gotta give my muskles a good soaking in a nice hot bath before starting to dig into that wonderful soil. I'm sure I'll sleep well tonight ;)

Thursday, May 01, 2003 last time it had been awhile since I'd posted...and this time even longer...
i swear i mean to post more & i DO have things goin on, but i just can't get myself to sit & write at the computer much these days.
so, anyway...
Crazy times make for crazy solutions. I've been trying to come up with some, and the process is rather daunting.
so, that are a few things that I'm doing...
1- planting a garden.
2- trying to gather all of that information i've accumulated over the past decade & make good use of it (hopefully in book form but probably starting out as articles)
3- still walking home from work every day ( about 7 or 8 miles)
4- refraining from the ingestion of mind altering substances
5- trying to look everyone i meet or pass on the street in the eyes.
6- attempting to be as kind & gentle as possible (don't take my kindness for weakness)
7- somehow i've been managing to extend my entourage of homeless aquaintences. (it's amazing how much a difference one can make by simply BEING with them & treating them like REAL people)
8- returning to vegetarianism
9- becoming diligent & disciplined in the practice of yoga & other systems of strengthening the body mind & soul on all levels.

i'm sure there are other things i could write about doing too, but you get the drift....

as for artistic projects & what-not...
I'm working ideas thru my head for new visual art (painting, drawing), starting to work on updating my website & creating a new one for my friend crystal, preparing to create the score/soundtrack for a local independent film, finishing up songs for my own new cd, attempting to reinvent my living space (this one seems to be the most frustrating).

the last year has been quite intense & challenging.
it's now been a little over a year since i lost my younger brother to an auto accident. it's also been a little over a year since I met the best friend I've ever had (and co-gardener! :) )
i feel like i've got a lot to say but don't know where to start, so i'll leave it at this for now & promise myself that i will post at least once a week from here on out...
peace & love to everyone in these troubled times. STAY VIGILANT AND TRUST YOURSELF!