Wednesday, May 07, 2003

yes, the seeds were sown! ended up planting yesterday instead of today & patricia & i had the help of jack & veronika, the children of my wonderful landlady & friend margaret. it was a beautiful sunny afternoon & it felt oh so good to get those hands in the soil! then i had dinner with my long lost friend monica & had a really good time. also found out that someone might be interested in a couple of my paintings. hopefully the sale will actually happen. i could really use the dough. spring has sprung & it's finally turnin fun. i feel like I've let go of my inner turmoil & am now able to finally enjoy everything without wondering how things are going to turn out.
and check it out...i'm even managing to post almost every day! wow! :)

Monday, May 05, 2003

well, since i posted something so internal & exposing, i figure i've gotta balance it out...
started painting again a couple of days ago...much enjoyment from that!
got a nice rain last night to help mingle the soil in the garden.
looks like wednesday is going to be the day for sowing seeds! whoohoo!
tuesday night I'm seeing an old friend from college that i haven't seen in something like twelve years, that should be exciting. i ran into her in the Gold Coast Whole Paycheck...errr...whole foods a week ago. it's going to be like a little time capsule. i was a different person when i knew her (fresh to the big city out of small town central illinois).
beyond that, i've gotta get some slides taken of my art for my Around the Coyote festival application..
i don't even have a decent camera, so that's gonna take some work...
but it's worth it.
sometimes i wonder if my obsessions are destroying me....
matter of fact, i'm pretty damn sure they are. how can i free myself from these things?
how can i once again be free inside myself?
wanting something so badly that it eclipses all else is most definitely not a good or healthy thing.
how do i learn to let go? how do i learn to accept things that aren't in my control? how did i ever forget how to do that?
it used to be so natural to me to flow freely like the waters.
never have i felt such passion overwhelm me. and the fact that i see what i do only compounds the problem.
(most would call me arrogant or self centered for seeing & feeling what i do as strongly as i do, but my past experiences all point to my ability to trust my own insight. in almost all cases, that which i inherently know or feel has been right in retrospect-and usually for all parties involved)
relinquishing desire. being selfless. it all used to come so much more readily.
but now i'm caught in a spiral of my own creation. one that is dissolving my very being, leading me into a place that i fear i don't know how to escape.
to be trapped by my own unbending will & desire when so many new options and opportunities for growth are surrounding me makes me sick with myself. i know better, believe me....yet i simply cannot seem to regain my composure and feel like i'm on the verge of falling apart. least i feel that way one second, then the next i may feel completely the opposite.
this rollercoaster ride doesn't seem to be ending...will someone please stop the ride?...i think i need to get off.....
i know i can handle it...i've handled many things before....i just need to believe in myself & my ability to survive through anything.
it doesn't help much to have had so many things happen within the last year though....fractured worlds abound in these times....i just wish i felt at home. instead i feel lost....

Saturday, May 03, 2003

well, the garden has been started...the soil has been turned, and damn if i didn't work myself good today. i'm gonna be sleeping hard & waking a bit achey i'm sure. but it was a lot of fun. we went & treated ourselves to some awesome thai food afterwards...much deserved if ya ask me. tomorrow it's supposed to rain (which will be good to settle the soil back in) and then sometime next week the actual seed sowing begins. but now it's time to rest.... is the big day...time to turn the soil for darren & patricia's amazing organic veggie & herb garden! whoohoo! I'm really excited. :)
the sun's been out (although there is still a chill in the air) and spring is finally arriving. It's been a little bit tardy in arriving in Chicago this year.
here's a small list of some of the things we will be growing:
shell peas, spinach, cukes, onions, carrots, chives, basil, echinacea, black beans, yarrow, calendula, chamomile, clary sage, borage, and i think a few other things too.
i walked both to and from work today (for a total of about fifteen miles) so I've gotta give my muskles a good soaking in a nice hot bath before starting to dig into that wonderful soil. I'm sure I'll sleep well tonight ;)

Thursday, May 01, 2003 last time it had been awhile since I'd posted...and this time even longer...
i swear i mean to post more & i DO have things goin on, but i just can't get myself to sit & write at the computer much these days.
so, anyway...
Crazy times make for crazy solutions. I've been trying to come up with some, and the process is rather daunting.
so, that are a few things that I'm doing...
1- planting a garden.
2- trying to gather all of that information i've accumulated over the past decade & make good use of it (hopefully in book form but probably starting out as articles)
3- still walking home from work every day ( about 7 or 8 miles)
4- refraining from the ingestion of mind altering substances
5- trying to look everyone i meet or pass on the street in the eyes.
6- attempting to be as kind & gentle as possible (don't take my kindness for weakness)
7- somehow i've been managing to extend my entourage of homeless aquaintences. (it's amazing how much a difference one can make by simply BEING with them & treating them like REAL people)
8- returning to vegetarianism
9- becoming diligent & disciplined in the practice of yoga & other systems of strengthening the body mind & soul on all levels.

i'm sure there are other things i could write about doing too, but you get the drift....

as for artistic projects & what-not...
I'm working ideas thru my head for new visual art (painting, drawing), starting to work on updating my website & creating a new one for my friend crystal, preparing to create the score/soundtrack for a local independent film, finishing up songs for my own new cd, attempting to reinvent my living space (this one seems to be the most frustrating).

the last year has been quite intense & challenging.
it's now been a little over a year since i lost my younger brother to an auto accident. it's also been a little over a year since I met the best friend I've ever had (and co-gardener! :) )
i feel like i've got a lot to say but don't know where to start, so i'll leave it at this for now & promise myself that i will post at least once a week from here on out...
peace & love to everyone in these troubled times. STAY VIGILANT AND TRUST YOURSELF!