Monday, May 05, 2003

sometimes i wonder if my obsessions are destroying me....
matter of fact, i'm pretty damn sure they are. how can i free myself from these things?
how can i once again be free inside myself?
wanting something so badly that it eclipses all else is most definitely not a good or healthy thing.
how do i learn to let go? how do i learn to accept things that aren't in my control? how did i ever forget how to do that?
it used to be so natural to me to flow freely like the waters.
never have i felt such passion overwhelm me. and the fact that i see what i do only compounds the problem.
(most would call me arrogant or self centered for seeing & feeling what i do as strongly as i do, but my past experiences all point to my ability to trust my own insight. in almost all cases, that which i inherently know or feel has been right in retrospect-and usually for all parties involved)
relinquishing desire. being selfless. it all used to come so much more readily.
but now i'm caught in a spiral of my own creation. one that is dissolving my very being, leading me into a place that i fear i don't know how to escape.
to be trapped by my own unbending will & desire when so many new options and opportunities for growth are surrounding me makes me sick with myself. i know better, believe me....yet i simply cannot seem to regain my composure and feel like i'm on the verge of falling apart. least i feel that way one second, then the next i may feel completely the opposite.
this rollercoaster ride doesn't seem to be ending...will someone please stop the ride?...i think i need to get off.....
i know i can handle it...i've handled many things before....i just need to believe in myself & my ability to survive through anything.
it doesn't help much to have had so many things happen within the last year though....fractured worlds abound in these times....i just wish i felt at home. instead i feel lost....

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