Tuesday, August 19, 2003

life is full of...well...complications, disappointments, miracles, and hard lessons to learn.
lately it's been more towards hard lessons & complicated emotions that leave scars.
why can't anything be simple? why have we all strayed so deep into the abyss of dishonesty, self delusion and self immolation?
well. who the hell knows....
all i know is that i want out.
this whole reality stinks to high heaven of ignorance, stupidity, laziness, arrogance, vanity, i could go on & on.
this isn't by any means to say that i'm separate from any of this.
by no means am i above falling into these trappings. i simply realize it when i do & try to make ammends as best i can.
seems that all i really do is make a bigger mess & end up disappointing everyone around me.
my idealism becomes a curse.
i forget to remember that what other people present to me is projected thru their own reality filter & not my own. mine is so different from everyone elses that this becomes a big problem. especially when i love someone deeply.
i guess i need to learn to never want. to never desire.
to simply be and let life guide me as it will, cus when i stop living in such a manner, all i do is create a big mess.
it tires me. it beats me up & tosses me around like a ragdoll.
the only way i can overcome it is by overcoming myself.
i apologize to the world & all of those whom i have let down.
i'm amazed at the arrogance that can well up in me (damn aries tendencies!)
all i can do is try to be more humble & accept what is given to me.
it's not that i lack confidence or anything like that, or that i have any self loathing tendencies, just that i ask too much of the world and myself.
so, may i die & be reborn before i cause more of a mess than i ever anticipated.
just get me the hell away from this stupid thing called civilization which is by no means what it says it is.

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