Thursday, December 30, 2004

convergent discourse

well, i think i finally figured out how I'm going to go about starting my non fiction work. how i'm going to attempt to synergize & harmonize my various thoughts.
I've decided that it's important to include the inportance of those that introduced new ideas that have struck me deeply.
I realized that instead of outlining what i want my work to be about (media/medium has yet to be decided), why not simply record my stream of concious thoughts about these great thinkers & feelers that have had such an impact on me.
the idea came when i had the mental image of these different people in a room together brainstorming. well, since that cannot happen in reality, i figured, why not have it happen in my head & see what comes of it.
so far, the group includes : R. Buckminster Fuller, Osho, Daniel Quinn,Hundertwasser, David Icke, Douglas Rushkoff, Robert Anton Wilson, Hakim Bey.
i'm sure that others will come & go and add their bit too.
the interesting thing is that in order from the start of that list to the end, the entire spectrum from control to chaos are represented.
yet all have similar goals, if you can call them "goals". they are better described as ways of being, of methods, techniques.
so, i figure i'll start babbling on about each person in turn & what i have learned through the emergence of each of their ways into my life.
much quicker & equally right & left brained to be verbal about it & then transcribe those ideas into written form.
heck, maybe I'll just end up putting the audio discources online.
we'll just have to wait & see.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004


looks like my webserver is down. no mail, no site, yikes.
hope my provider gets it back up soon!

haven't been posting as i've not had much to say.
just gettin ready for the holidays.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

i'm now on

almost forgot to post this.
i set up a filtered by the spiral music page at over the weekend.
there are 4 songs which can be streamed or downloaded.
those songs are also on my own website, but i figured there's be a bit more random traffic at myspace. heck, already got one random friend request without even sendin out any invites. cool.
here's the link

winter chill

well, the winter chill is movin into chi-town earlier this year.
i wonder if we'll have a white x-mas?

it was a pretty lazy weekend.
On friday night, went down to Hotti Biscotti with Ami G. to see the "Nervous Center" crowd. it was their movie night & we caught the majority of "Rubin & Ed" which was truly hilarious! Crispin Glover and Howard Hessman as a couple true losers.
we then headed back to my place & watched "Session 9"
and crashed.
Spent most of Saturday playing driving games & painting,& also watched "Eyes Wide Shut" (which i am soon going to write my interpretation of - kitten since you watched it recently too, wanna compare notes?). We eventually went over to LeSabre to get some diner food & then Ami went her way & I went mine.
it was good to get to spend some time with her. i had not seen her in quite awhile.
That evening I watched "Cooley High" which was highly enjoyable. especially the hats! yeah boyee! lol

not much else happening. just trying to figure out plans for the holidays.

i will say one thing not do google searches that will turn up things you don't really care to know. it's way too easy these days to find things out.
so remember that anything you post on the web is public, my friends.
(and don't do searches about lost loves!)

also, i found a rather disturbing osho manifesto for a world government. some very insightful & inspired ideas, but also some downright scary ones.seems to me that for being an "enlightened master" he sure is ignorant about a few the truth behind traditional education, the United Nations... but i'm sure i'll have more to say on that eventually. I'm actually considering writing a critique of his proposal for a world constitution.
it's troulesome how people will accept guru's as dieties even when that guru tells them not to. and man, coould osho play headgames. and he'd even let you know he was doing it!

Thursday, December 09, 2004

life, the great teaser

well, first of all, I'm very happy that I've managed to obtain 4 of the five volumes of bhagwan shree rajneesh/osho's "the book of the secrets" series. considering that i believe volumes 2-5 are out of print (i've only seen a reprint of volume one printed as the book of secrets (no the), i feel very lucky. I've also discovered that his book on bodhidharma is out of print as well. that is one of my favorites & is the book that led me to osho's being.
anyway,as i'm gettin off of the el today & as I'm finishing my chapter while waiting at the door to exit the train, i place my bookmark, which happens to be an osho zen tarot card (the "adventure" card) in place & close my book & while doing so, i hear the sweet voice of a beautiful young woman say to me "that looked like an osho zen tarot card".
it's the first time that i've had anyone connect about him in the physical world- matter of fact, first connection about him at all. we talked briefly about the deck & how beautiful it is & then as the doors opened she said a quick goodbye & was gone.
now, i would have LOVED to ask her to get some tea. she seemed like a very pleasant person.
but it was one of those chance moments where it seemed like both of us did not know how to make the step to connection.
she seemed in a hurry, and i wasn't about to slow her down.
that's one of the things i hate about big cities. we get into this mode of protection.
i think it keeps us from many good things.
of course, i could have made the effort to further the conversation, but i'm not socially forceful or blunt like that. i tend to defer & pay attention to the kind of energy & state that the person i am interacting with is in. especially with strangers.
it would be a pleasant surprise to bump into her again. are you listening, universe?
so, there ya go, once again the world teases me. gives me that little glimpse.
i get a lot of those.
maybe one of these times I'll get my chance to dive in & take the adventure.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

website updates - new (old) music downloads

I've been slowly updating my website this week.
there are more music downloads on the filtered by the spiral page whcih now has my live sets from hotti biscotti & the leadway cafe as well as all of the tracks from the symbiotic frolic cd that was pre-computer (as in electronica created on a cassette 4 track with a nice mix of live instruments and tweaked beats-think krautrock jamming meets ninjatune).
there are cd insert images that can be printed for each collection too.
there are a lot more music tracks to still be uploaded. a complete archive of stuff plus some old & new dj mixes.
you can hear & see it all here

there is a lot more digital art going up soon as well as the photo gallery which has been missing in action for quite some time now.

more updates as i get things uploaded.

the art of osho

just found a site that shows & sells screenprints of osho's art.
colorful & zen. link will be added to the sidebar.
check it out!
also just received volume 4 of his "The Book of the Secrets" series.

Monday, December 06, 2004

the essential oneness of being

toda_v strikes again.
yet another couple of good e-mail forwards from the man from the land of white sands.
The Essential Oneness of Being

"The basic teaching of mystics, dressed in the garb of many traditions, is
essentially this simple message. There is only One. All multiplicity of
beings and their sense of separateness or distance from one another are
either illusion or represent a less than ultimate truth. This is especially
the case, in the language of Western mysticism, in the great alienation or
sense of distance that humans feel between themselves and God.....

Kabbalah teaches that there is a secret unity of all Being, hidden within
the multiplicity and diversity of life as we experience it. God and universe
are related not primarily as Creator and creature, which sounds as though
they are separate from one another, but as deep structure and surface. God
lies within or behind the facade of all that is. In order to discover God -
or the real meaning or the essential Oneness of Being - we need to turn
inward, to look more deeply at ourselves and the world around us. Scratch
the surface of reality and you will discover God. The path to God is thus
more like peeling off the layers of an onion than climbing a ladder to the
sky. The 'journey' of the seeker to God is only a metaphoric one. We, in
fact, discover the Oneness of Being by staying right here, paying as close
attention as we can to the present in which we live. But if we are to speak
of journeys, the mystic offers us a journey inward, an inner opening rather
than a vertical ascent."

- Arthur Green (Ehyeh: A Kabbalah for Tomorrow)

and this one too...

Caution On the Magical Path

"We are all familiar with the 'awful warnings' given out darkly against
occultism and magic of any kind. Such vague threatenings do rather more harm
than anything else, merely arousing apprehensions without supplying any
means of avoiding hidden pitfalls. The facts are that magical practices
bring out fairly rapidly the normally hidden side of any person. Their
latent characteristics will objectify. If these are good, then results are
said to be beneficial, but if bad, then the opposite. All that happens, is
that once a channel of communication has been established by magical means
between Outer and Inner Self, a kind of short-circuit occurs, and surges of
energy take place from one state to another. Objective and subjective
energies coming directly together without adequate control cause tensions
liable to result in serious explosions or erosions. Spiritual, mental, and
even physical diseases are likely to be an outcome. So are opposite
conditions of improved health, strengthened mind, and the greatest benefits
of soul. It all depends on whether our circuit was properly arranged before
the power was switched on.
For these reasons, the reputable Mysteries, whose operatives were deeply
concerned with human welfare, instituted a large number of controls between
Inner and Outer life. They established Deity-figures of benignant aspects
and attributes. They personified the worst and most undesirable qualities of
humanity as demons to be controlled and directed into useful service. They
tied up magical practices with disciplines and training programmes
calculated to bring out the best in the practitioners. One way or another,
they did everything possible to ensure that their Initiates came to no
lasting harm nor were able to inflict serious damage on others. At the same
time it was necessary to provide means of development so that Initiates
became capable of handling powers which might be used with considerable good
or evil effects. The position was rather like that of the modern problems
concerning the selection of suitable people for controlling atomic energy.
Those individuals likely to benefit through magical Mystery practices
will be well-balanced, healthy, sound-principled, intelligent, patient,
hard-working, and creatively imaginative people. This may sound like an old
fashioned character reference, but moral qualities are of greater importance
to humanity than magical abilities. Unstable, easily excitable people, with
unsound principles, erratic impulses, nervous dispositions, or inadequate
health and stamina, can injure themselves still further by magical means
unless they seek to use these for making good the deficiencies of their own
natures. In no sense is this intended to imply any type of Divine
retribution, but simply the natural outcome of using an inadequate
individual for function beyond their ability to deal with."

- William G. Gray (Magical Ritual Methods)

i'll post more of my own words soon. i think i just needed a little break :^)

Sunday, November 28, 2004


well, i'm still fighting a head/chest cold.
just can't quite get rid of it.
i'm gettin tired of coughing!'s a new painting I'm working on.
it's a long way from finished.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Lagavulin fueled scribblings

well, I finally went to Sonotheque for the first time last night & had a blast. I drank a little too much scotch (still felt it this morning!) but managed to scribble 5 napkins worth of notes on heirarchies (transcribed below), met some nice peeps, got to say hey to jeremy ellis (gotta love the intimacy of clubs), dance a little dance, and catch my lovely friend/landlady Margaret vaccuuming half naked at 2:30 in the morning with her inner front door ajar.
what a night! :^)
i just wish i would have drank a little less and had a cdr to give to mr. ellis.
oh well.'s what i wrote on those napkins...

napkin 1
-the 4 sided base/ five sided pyramid: defined top & bottom. all points do not touch sphere surrounding it.(in pyramid heirarchy based on this form) As one moves upward choices narrow. bottom supports top, carries burden/weight. is this even found in nature?possible crystal elements? the heart of pyramid heirarchies.
-tetrahedron, equal sides. no definite top or bottom. all sides, surfaces, angles are EQUAL. points are nodes which connect with spphere surrounding and represent connection points rather than determining or controlling points. basic building block of Platonic / Sacred Geometry. the heart of NESTED heirarchies. 4 paths to perimeter. 4 directions.
- 4 sided (square)base pyramid, symbol of slavery. symbol of dominator (per Eisler) or Taker (per Quinn) society an culture. Wherever you see this, there will be an undemocratic,violent,contrl oriented culture based on exploitation and control of information, opportunity, metaphors. Dogmatic beliefs. Controlling, patriarchal religions. predominately male although they convice women to be empowered not thru balancing the male aspect with the female, but thru becoming like the male.
napkin 2
-tetrahedron: 4 sides, no base. all points touch sphere. all points equal distance from center. no one point is dominant. top point is relative. can be built infinitely outward w/all connections being equal. in nested heirarchy one moves OUTWARDS, or expands. as one moves to the next outer step, they encompass the previous, hence, expansion of possibilities, experiences, etc.
A living, ever flowing, always adapting structure that can fit whatever form is needed. does not concentrate on exploitation but rather depends on integration and connection. "wider circle of influence". relies on differentiation, non centralization. the equality of tetrahedron (straight line or "male" energy) and sphere (curved, or "feminine" energy) is indicative of an equality, partnership (per Eisler) or Leaver (per Quinn) society or culture. Less focus on individual, more focus what individual differentiation adds to whole, while still acknowledging and celebrating diversity/individuality.
napkin 3
-nested heirarchies, tetrahedrons, will be representative of pluralistic, liberty based societies which have beliefs focusing on non-absolutes. think zen or taoism, animism, pantheism. oneness thru multiplicity. Equally male /female, yin/yang, etc. etc.
based on expansion of consciousness. reincarnation and multiple lives common.
less emphasis on ego as main definition. does not see ego as enemy, but as tool, technique to use to discover the "new" or the "novel" (novel as defined by McKenna)
the Move from the 4 sided, square base pyramid heirarchy to the tetrahedron/sphere/nested heirarchy is the MAIN and most important element in the move towards an egalitarian and liberty based culture.
one CANNOT have equality within the structure of the 4sb pyramid. it is IMPOSSIBLE!
It is inherent to their structure that they create inequality and domination. This is exactly why they are NOT found thru-out nature. they are not...
napkin 4
...evolutionarily viable. Anything that does not promote diversity/ multiplicity is NOT harmonious with nature/evolution, which promotes SYMBIOSIS above all else.
survival of the fittest does not exist except WITHIN symbiotic relationships.
Freedom comes only through surrender. Not surrender to authority, but rather thru surrender to the infinite, realizing that we MUST still remember to celebrate our individuality. we are each simply one of the infinite expressions of the creative force (whatever that may be). thru each of our individual contributions -"what we do best & enjoy doing"- we contribute to the whole that makes up our shared reality/culture. It is the recognition of the strength of differentiation that brings synergy, peace/ an expandsive environment. It leads to high culture in the arts, science and all other aspects of culture with EQUAL emphasis on all aspects. It celebrates the "Novel" rather than destroying it. integrates & asks "why?"
napkin 5
it probes deeper, searches for real, authentic answers. it is authentic. It does not differentiate between what is alowed & what is not. It accepts the Oneness of all instead of relying on Duality as a method of control. There is no "good" or "bad" in anested heirarchy. rather it is based on "what works". that which does not work is looked upon as a learning experience. mistakes are NOT frowned upon, but are considered a natural part of the learning process. Supportive relationships are more common than judgemental ones. Compassion rules. understanding and acceptance are key. one can still criticize, but it is in the mindset of further & deeper understanding af both the criticizer & the criticized. judgement (the mindset of "I'm right, you're wrong") does not apply. th mindset of "how many differing views and opinions" is more in tune with this way of being.
This is liberty, freedom, community, acceptance, and it can become a deep love.

wow, that was a lot to try to read off of napkins. and written while intoxicatd no less! so pardon grammatical errors, etc, as it was just notes :) i had sloppy little pics of the differing pyramids & spheres too.
Eisler refers to Rianne Eisler, Quinn to Daniel Quinn, and McKenna to Terrence McKenna.


well, interesting that i wrote all that i did about death the other day, as my mother's brother, my uncle, passed on that evening after dealing with multiple problems over the last couple of years.
i don't really have much to say about it right now. I may wite more later about it.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

head cold insanity

I've been working thru a bad head cold the last few days & this morning i think my tension exploded in an unexpected place.
I spent last night gettin really frustrated as i kept getting the hiccups during my coughing spells & the simple fact that i could not breathe.
matter of fact, i've felt a lot of anger the last few days. a lot of misanthropy.
why? heck, look around. i think the thing that got me started last week was this commercial for a show called "In search of David's heart" or something like that where the main female character yells out "i lost my brother & no one knows how that feels!".
well abig reality checking fuck you to you girly. you ain't the first person on the earth to lose a loved one & to turn something like that into an ego trip is complete bullshit. now, i understand, in those situations we react in those ways sometimes. but this speaks to the unhealthy relationship our culture has not only with death, but with life.
now, mind you, this opinion is not coming from someone who does not know. I lost my 16 year old brother in a car accident a few years ago. i know what it is like to lose a sibling. but that is life! that's how it all works! why do people pretend that it should be some other way? it is your belief that makes it such a suffering.
so anyway, this girl in the show supposedly goes off in search of the person who got david's donated heart. I'm sorry, but this is absurd. it is unhealthy.
why is it that we feel the need to do such things? why can we not simply accept?
yeah, i miss my brother, but i do not suffer at all about it. why? because it does not matter! He had the gift of life, now he's gone. one day i'll be gone, you will be gone, we all will. but are we? do we go? does it matter? we create these belief systems in order to temper our suffering, yet there exist relationships with death throughout the world that do not even bring suffering into the equation.
i think it wiser to seek a relationship with death that allows one to live.
we all seem to be so preoccupied with death. not necessarily on a concious level, but all of our fears go right back to it. It brings impatience, intollerance, greediness, and a whole slew of other negative emotions & thought patterns.
th majority of us in the west especially do not have a healthy relationship with either life or death. it's why we are so torn, so at each others throats.
so many people feel the need to be so right about everything because they are afraid that they might be wrong. so many defence mechanisms, all leading back to that fear of death.
"i have to do something meaningful before i die", "i have to leave my mark", these are not thoughts of an enlightened individual but rather defense mechanisms of the ego. it is this fear of losing our sense of self that tends to rule so many of us.
but what is "self"? do you really know? I'm not sure if i do. am i my mind? am i my body? am i beyond both? maybe all of these are true. we just don't know. we cannot know except through experience.
One thing that really tends to bother me is the way in which people feel the need to believe in so many absolutes.
an example: this morning in beans & bagels, the woman in front of me in line commented on a little news clipping that they have up that talks about a teacher in florida that does not want evolution taught in her classroom because she finds it offensive. yes, she happens to be a creationist. yeas , she is closed minded & a programmed individual. but here's the thing: this woman & one of the employees acted as if she was insane & they were not, while i'm more thatn sure froim the exchange that they believe that evolution should be taught without any questions. so what did i do? in my feverish state, i got overwhelmed & exploded on them saying that evolution is nothing but a theory. it is NOT proven. there is no missing link, or rather, the link is missing. not only that, but that anyone who believes that there are only 2 versions of where we come from, creationism or evolution are downright stupid. anyone that is that simple minded has no right to decide what anyone should be taught. I mentioned the fact that there are OTHER takes on where we came from too, not just those two. the one thing that i ws trying to get across that i did not say directly is that they are no different than the christian woman. they simply believe that their theory is more right than hers. they do not want to be inclusive, they want their own type of exclusivity. this is not being interested in truth. this is pure dogmatism. i also pointed out that science is a religion in which all equations have an unknown variable in which there is FAITH that the variable will at some FUTURE TIME be known. not only that, but peer review is it's own form of a priestly caste. all answers in science lead to more questions which eventually lead to the unknown. to believe that it is not faith is to be very very deluded.
anyway, as you can read, i'm still a little bit in a tempermental feverish state, so i'm gonna stop writing now.
i hope this wasn't all a bunch of bs.
i don't think so, but then, who ever said that i had a clue as to the nature of reality?
anyway, as far as where we came from goes, what does it even fuckin matter? your here now, so why not be in the present? knowing where we came from is nothing but a mindgame. it does not matter. all that matters is how we create our reality NOW, in the eternal present moment. remember, past & future are only abstract. they no longer or are yet to exist. any thoughts about them by definition MUST be subjective. so choose your metaphors wisely, because they color your present.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

osho on alexander the (not so) great

One has to wonder whether or not this part of Alexander's life is in the new movie. I certainly am NOT going to go see such glorification of barbaric egotistical violence to find out, so someone who does see it let me know...
the following is taken from Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh's Book of the Secrets Vol.2(pgs 158-160):

Alexander was coming to India, and he met a great saint - Diogenes. Diogenes was one of the most penetrating minds ever born. He lived like Mahavir. He is the Mahavir of Greek civilization and culture. He left everything, renounced everything - not because through renouncing things he was going to get anything: that is not real renouncing, not authentic renunciation. If you renounce something to get something, that is a bargain. If you think that you are going to have some reservation in heaven and that is why you renounce, it is not renunciation. If you renounce the bodily pleasures to have spiritual pleasures, this is not renunciation.
Diogenes renounced everything - not because out of it he was going to get something: he renounced just to see if when he has nothing, whether there is any meaning or not. He thought that if one possesses nothing, if even then one has meaning, a purpose, a destiny, then death cannot annihilate anything because death can annihilate only possessions - and the body is also a possession. He left everything. He had only one thing: a wooden bowl out of which to drink water. He thought this is not much of a possession. Then one day he saw a child drinking water from his hands. He immediately threw the bowl. He said," If a child can drink water with his hands, am I more weak than a child?"
When Alexander was coming to India to win, to make the world empire, somebody informed him that just on the way, where he would be stopping, there lived a great sage who was just contrary to him. He was told, "You are to make a world empire, and he has even thrown away his bowl because he says that as he is happy without it, why carry this burden. And you say that unless the whole world becomes your empire, you cannot be happy. So he is just at the opposite pole, and it would be good if you meet him."
Alexander was fascinated. It happens that the opposite always fascinates. The opposite always fascinates; it has a deep sexual attraction. Just as man is attracted to woman or woman is attracted to man, there is the same attraction with the opposite. Alexander could not by-pass Diogenes. It was not good for him to go to Diogenes, and it was impossible that Diogenes would come to him. There was no end.
Diogenes was informed. Many. many messengers came to inform him that "The Great Alexander is passing this way. It would be good if you meet him." He said," The Great Alexander? Who has said this to you! I think he himself. So tell your Great Alexander that he has nothing to give to me, and there is no need for him to meet me - and I am a very small man." He used to say, " Really, I am a dog, not a man at all - just a dog, so there is no need. It is below his dignity to meet this dog."
Then Alexander had to come. Diogenes is reported to have said, "I hear you are going to win the whole world, so I thought, I closed my eyes & thought, Okay! If I have won the whole world, then what?" It is reported that Alexander, after hearing this, became very sad. "Then what?" he said to Diogenes. "Do not talk such things. You make me very sad."
Diogenes said,"But you will become very sad when you win the whole world. What can I do? I am just imagining, and I have come to conclude that this is useless. You are after a suicidal effort. You yourself are trying to win the whole world, so then what? If you succeed, 'then what?'"
Alexander returned from Diogenes very disturbed, upset,sad. He said to his companions, "This man is very dangerous. He has shattered my dreams." And he could never forgive Diogenes. The day he died, he remembered him again, and he said, "It may be that fellow was right. 'Then what?'"

Monday, November 22, 2004

down time

not feelin too hot today.
hope it's not the flu coming on just in time for turkey day travel plans.
Saturday i had breakfast with Crystal & tarina at Svea in Andersonville.
a great Swedish breakfast.
the conversation was great & so was the food.
came home afterwards & saw crystal off as she headed back down south.

i spent the rest of the day painting & watched A Day Without A Mexican
it was alright. not as good as i'd hoped for though.

not much else to tell right now.
more when i'm interesting again ;^)

Saturday, November 20, 2004

oh yeah!

well, i beat Ratchet & Clank 3 on Thursday night. the boss battle waws something else! only took my a couple of tries though.
Now it's time to work thru it another time in challenge mode. tougher & capable of upping all weapons & health even more.

also, i'm getting ready to post a bunch of records for sale on ebay.
I'll make a webpage with pics of everything & let y'all know before i post so you can browse thru & see if there's anything ya want.

I've been spending a lot of time painting again.
also working through book ideas.
more later...

Thursday, November 18, 2004

AYRO & John Arnold LIVE - I'm in heaven!

Just found out last night that a couple of my favorite musical artists of this year are coming to Sonotheque the night after Thanksgiving! YAY!
it'll be a night of futuristic detroit funk & soul.
find out details here
check out more info &some of their tunes here:
Ayro(Jeremy Ellis): album listening post - live in NYC
John Arnold

anyone wanna go?

the cracked pot

Mr. Maples (aka:toda_V) has become very dependable when it comes to forwarding great little insightful emails from over there at postDawn Nurseries.
once again we must thank him for sending this little gem...

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole
which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while
the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot
arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the
woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the
perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was
ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of
what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the
woman one day by the stream: "Old Woman, I am ashamed of myself, because
this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your
The woman smiled and replied, "Cracked Pot, did you notice that there are
flowers on your side of the path, but not on Perfect Pot's side? I have
always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the
path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate
the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this
beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each
have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You just have to take each person for what they are and look for the good in
To all of my crackpot friends, have a great day, and remember to smell the

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

ethical holiday shopping

here's a nice article on the use of sweatshop labor in the garment industry.
last night's Frontline was about how Wal-mart does business.
i STRONGLY suggest watching it if you see that it's going to be on your local PBS station again, or check it out online.
next week's episode covers the culture of credit cards.
I have to say that i am simply amazed at the recent Frontline specials.
it's wonderful to see some in depth coverage of such important issues.
also wonderful is the fact that they have created a great feedback & interaction system to go along with the shows.
matter of fact, they have ALL of their shows viewable online here
maybe i should be putting a link to them in my sidebar....

also, remember that the day after Thanksgiving is International Buy Nothing Day.
Participate by NOT participating.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004


Such an interesting mood i've been in the last few days.
Having crystal around is very nice :) last night we watched some Bill Hicks. (thank you foys!)and laughed our asses off.

On sunday, i was pleasantly surprised to see dana at beans & bagels. she used to work there & has been in Belgrade for over a year now & headed back there sunday too.
only got a couple of minutes to talk, which was unfortunate as i'd love to hear about her experience there, but what can ya do? especially when everyone is wanting to say hello to her :) maybe i'll get to hear about it when she's back in another year.

I've felt very out of myself over the last 2 days. aloof, happy in a strangely giddy kind of way. feels like something's comin on..something's starting to happen.
maybe i'm finally putting some motion into my vision! actually moving forward with plans. now that is a nice thought.

painting, music, musings...
I think i'm finally starting to lighten up a bit on myself.
it's about frikkin time.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

organizing & uncluttering the self

well, cleanin up my apartment felt wonderful. still a little bit left to do, but what has been done already makes me feel so much better. it even motivated me to paint last night. It was the first time in over a year since I'd used my oil paints (water solvable) and I'd forgotten how much of a joy they are to use.
I actually returned to working on a painting that i hadn't touched in a year & a half.
I'm always amazed at how my skills develop when i'm not actually painting. It's as if i do the mental work & then when i finally get back to the canvas, it just comes naturally. maybe due to the freshness. whatever it is, i love it!

I had a brief moment of lucid dreaming last night. wish i could tell about it, but it would not be prudent ;^) .I just wish i would not have awoken from it!
those moments in dreams that come back with us, the ones that we can remember the tactile sensations from as if it had actually happened..damn, ya just gotta love 'em.
i want more of that! that's the kinda stuff that makes one question what's real & what is imagined and does it even really matter which is which?

Lookin forward to goin over to the foy's for an early turkey day dinner.
then, later this evening Crystal gets in town to stay for the week. It will be great to see her.
to much to do before then, so off i go...

Saturday, November 13, 2004

i don't like goodbyes

It's true...i don't really believe in them. Goodbyes feel so absolutist. considering i don't really buy into absolutes, it's difficult for me to deal with goodbyes.
I say this because i finally sent the big email to patricia and got a response right away. it was good, it was insightful, but it also leaves me wanting to continue the conversation.
She's the first person EVER in my life to tell me that she needs to not see me again. A tough pill to swallow. especially coming from someone that i love so deeply. But she needs something for herself right now that does not include me & that's ok.
the thing is, now that this process is being gone thru, at least on my part, i realize how helpful I could be to her process as well. I don't think she could handle it, she's not yet "wired" for it. but as i've come to recognize what is/has been going on, i've come to understand how much of a "teacher" role i have been playing & was not concious of. now that i recognize it, i feel as if i could actually be effective & have a wonderful interaction in that way with her. There's been discussion about finding what we need within ourselves. this is so true. but we cannot expect to discover our own tools only thru trial & error.
yes, we can find them in that way, but there is a reason why teachers, mentors, gurus, and leaders of all sorts have always been around. we ALL learn from outside of ourselves as much as we do from inside. It's simply a matter of recognizng what is authentically our own & what comes from without. We can take these techniques that we obtain thru learning from others who have walked similar paths and transmute them into our own, apply them in a manner that is true to ourselves.
It is a wonderful feeling to find inspiration wherever one can be in another person, in a tree, in the sky, even in bad art!
We get so caught up in trying to come up with all of the answers ourselves that we forget that the self is really just a barrier, that everything "out there" is just as much a part of us as everything inside is. All of our thoughts and interpretations of the world are reflections of our selves. So when we find inspiration fom outside, it is not really from anything separate from ourselves. we need to remember that the connection exists, that we are all here to share individual experiences & add to the collective being that is "the tao" or "god" or "the collective unconcious" or whatever you feel you are comfortable calling it.
I feel myself ever so more pulled into the path of the teacher. every day a little bit more. Not teacher in the sense that most in the west know. More in the sense of the guru. and yes, i did say that.
Most people do not understand what guru means.
one of the best goofy little ways to understand is to think of it like this: a guru is someone who reminds you- "gee, you are you". it is not about instilling knowledge in a dogmatic sense.
maieutic (definition - in context) teaching seems as if it is the most effective method.
It is the art of letting the answers come from within the student, letting them answer their own questions & guiding them to their own truths.
This is a selfless way of teaching & in that respect is very much in resonance with the art of zen, although the zen master can be a bit more forceful in technique, using the methods of catching one offguard in order to bring wakefullness, to bring the student into the present.
anyway, my point is that I continually find myself wanting to give, to help, to guide people to their own truths and towards the path of wakefulness & awareness.
It seems like we are living in a world of zombies these days.
so much unawareness, ignorance, and narrow mindedness.
the thing is, many don't like to be woken from their slumber, so this type of teacher is not always welcome. this type of teaching brings real change, not merely coping skills for modern civilization.
I'd go on some more, but i need to clean the apartment, a chore put off for a little bit too long.
a clean apartment sure does help to clear the mind & heart.

Thursday, November 11, 2004


last night i went over to the foy's & watched "How's Your News?" definitely check that one out. we watched the political convention special.
ate some sweet ass Chili made by Danialle, later on had coffee, over at the Grind, a newer coffee shop in Lincoln Square right across from the Davis.
also watched danialle battle it out online playin some halo2. looks pretty cool.
I'll stick with my R&C3 for now though...
i guess the third c could be company, as in spending some time in good company. Jason & Lance were both over too & it was nice to hang out with all of them.
I borrowed a Bill Hicks dvd from Chadd that i'm really looking forward to watching.
probably will check that out tonight.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

frontline: coming soon: the persuaders | PBS

frontline: coming soon: the persuaders | PBS
Douglas Rushkoff is one of the most forward thinking, insightful, & broad minded media & culture critics of our time. this is sure to be every bit as good as his previous special
Merchants of Cool
find out more at the website & if you cannot check it out tonite, it will be online for streaming within a week or two of its original airing.
so, stop playing those video games for an hour and a half & tune in! ;^)

and view the excellent in depth press release about the show here

Green, Leafy Spinach May Soon Power More Than Popeye's Biceps

Green, Leafy Spinach May Soon Power More Than Popeye's Biceps this is symbiosis in action. cyborg action is afoot! look out! ;^)
I know we are all going to be amazed with the new energy concepts that are going to be presenting themselves to the mainstream over the next decade.
times are changing..maybe not as quickly as some might like, but i really think we can be wise enough if we want to be.
just gotta remember that it isn't necessarily the technologies that are detrimental but rather the conciousness which puts them to use.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Chance encounters

So, Sunday was a day full of unexpected things...
first, on my morning stop into Beans & Bagels, I was surprised to see Jodi working at my local location again (if only for the day). That was a very pleasant way to start the day even though neither of us were quite awake enough yet to hold any kind of conversation...So off to work I went.
then between locations from work I see danialle, her sister & chadd going out for breakfast (as mentioned in yesterday's post).
then, on my walk home from work, as I'm walking thru the park next to Stockton just south of the zoo, there's my friend Danna standing next to her car.
she'd had the unfortunate mishap of her exhaust pipe rusting loose from the cat. converter, so she had to pull over. ended up having some Thai food for dinner with her & Erik.
all in all, an unexpected day.
I then went home & played R&C3 for a few hours. I swear, it keeps getting better & better. I can hardly wait to try out the multiplayer mode.
I hope that yesterday was a sign of things to come.
I like happy accidents & chance encounters.
the unexpected is so much more fun!

Sunday, November 07, 2004

a new look, a full title

well, watcha think? i spent more than a few hours tweakin on saturday. still a few minor things to fix -rounded corners mainly.
but i've been wanting to customize this blog for quite awhile.
let me know what you think.
i'm sure that this is just the first of many new incarnations.

it's another beautiful day, and i really need to get out in the garden & dig up & pot the thai chili pepper plants. they are doin so great, even a few small gourds were ready to pick & cure too, while the bigger ones are still on green vines for now. I'll wait till the vines are startin to dry & then I've gotta figure out a good storage place to cure them.

as i was coming out of work up north this morning, i saw kitten & theMan going to Nookies Tree with kitten's sister. they asked me to join them, but unfortunately, i had to come downtown to continue workin.

well, my guilty pleasure is back as Ratchet & Clank 3 : Up Your Arsenal was released last week. it's the first vid game I've ever paid full price for as a new release.
but very VERY worth it. holy crap. each level is better than the last. & this one had multiplayer & online options too. it's going to be worth hours & hours of play.
time to get a network adapter. ;^)

i've been trying to make sure that i don't spend hours on end playing it,so I've been playin in a couple to 4 hour increments. it's just so addictive! and so many mini games! oh joy!

enough already. time to get outside & enjoy some of these last days of semi warm sunny weather before the chicago late fall & winter set in.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

The Abyss of Ignorance

well, since that last post was a little harsh & not too nice to the followers of YHWH, i figured I'd balance it out with some wisdom from a Kabbahlist.
thanks to toda_v once again for the quote:

"Human heads can be hidden in the comfortable clouds of apathy for many
lifetimes. It is so easy to look down upon inferiors, supposing oneself at
the top of the Tree because there seems nothing but obscurity above. If any
feel brave enough to try penetrating that problem, the abyss of ignorance
opens out to engulf them.
Ignorance is probably the worst evil on the whole Tree. In practice, of
course, it applies everywhere, but it is always theoretically in this
position as separating man from the principles of understanding, wisdom,
awareness of highest purpose and, lastly, eternal light. In other words, it
cuts us off from all that is really worth existing for. Like the other evils
ignorance is a deliberate condition. The word means what it says: willful
refusal to learn. It was once said that all humans make the same mistakes,
but those who are wise learn from them, while those who are foolish will not
That is real ignorance.
Why would anyone prefer ignorance to other options? The old, old reason
again - artificial egoic status. Here this works two ways. If we can prevent
others from learning as much as ourselves we can hold them at a disadvantage
and by refusing to recognize anything which might make us seem smaller
our own self-estimations we feel big by contrast. On the principle of 'in a
kingdom of idiots a fool is wise,' whether we accept ignorance in ourselves
from the worst of motives, or encourage it in others to their detriment, it
remains what it is, an evil which divides our entire Tree of Life against
the best interests of us all.
Bearing in mind the nature of ignorance, we should realize it cannot be
countered by mere information, instruction, or so-called education.
Well-educated and informed people may yet choose to adopt a course of
ignorance for covering their particular purposes. The old truism of none
being so blind as those who will not see illustrates the evil of ignorance
quite accurately. In the Tree of Life, this ignorance gap is crossed safely
only by experience directed accurately at our highest possibilities or apex
of awareness. With the Tree of Evil it is either not crossed at all, or for
those relatively few intrepid individuals gaining uncertain footholds on its
other side, the next evil of antipathy greets them gloomily. Antipathy, or
anti-feeling, is a sort of 'Let's hate it first, then see if we can bear it
later,' affair."

- William G. Gray (Exorcising the Tree of Evil)

getting over arrogance

well, from watch I've witnessed over the last few days, I feel inspired.
looks like the left is starting to realize that it's overly secular outlook does not fly in most of the country. i think this is going to open up a much larger discussion about spirituality in politics. notive i did not say RELIGION in politics.
separation of church & state is necessary, but this does not mean that spirituality & faith do not influence our decisions. it should if it is the central part of our lives. i know that there are a lot of secularists that cringe. grow up. stop acting like ignorant atheist communists. your attitude is that of a child. atheism is nothing but a reactionary stance towards dogmatic religion & is as fundamentalist minded as any bible thumping fundamentalist "christian".
in a truly liberty based, democratic society, the only thing truly allowable in the secular world of control is agnosticism. that is, not choosing one way over another but being a pivoting point, a nexus point where all of those things collide & coexist. to be a binder, not a divider.
harsh words? maybe, but your intolerance towards those with faith is intolerable! just like it's opposite. the right & left are , in the vernacular of David Icke, opposames. they support & feed each other.
if you are one of those on the left i am referring to,YOU are the opposition to the right which keeps the pendulum swinging.
you talk about tolerance & accepting diversity, but if that does not match what you INTELLECTUALLY believe, you get pissed off. GROW UP!
get outa your head & get into your heart. have you forgotten how to feel?
have you signed so many petitions that you've forgotten how to take direct action?
i am not speaking to everyone, but those who need to hear this know who they are.

I'm no longer going to temper my attitude. if people don't like it, they can go elsewhere. every other ignorant asshole gets a frikkin cable news show to spew their filth & bile, so it's about time that those of us who see differently & seek real viable solutions speak up & stand up.
no fear. screw the feds & any cultural censorship. those that don't agree with the status quo need to be outlandish, to be bold, but still be understanding. COMPROMISE, SYMBIOSIS!
no hiding. DIALOGUE! getting past rhetoric!getting past dogma. speeding up that feedback loop & learning to listen.
know what i mean?
I really feel that we need to get a good dialoue going in this culture about christianity & it's true history, and the fact that modern christians are not even followers of christ, but of constantine & the mithraic traditions.
christ stood against his vengeful & insecure father. he practiced & taught love & compassion while his father was telling the jews to slaughter innocent people in his name & take their women (rape them)to build a nation. and the best excuse that his followers can come up with to accept this fact is that they were not killing humans, but rather, the nefilim, the hybrid offspring of angels & women.this is how the original tribes of israel gained their "homeland".
nice. karma is a bitch ain't it?
(bet someone will give me hell for that one!)

enough foolishness for today.
ignore what i say & trust your own experience.
ignore what they say & trust your own experience.
ignore what you say & trust your own experience.
move beyond words & you will kiss the divine.

i think my mind is slipping away...
yay! i'm one step closer!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

many lessons to learn

ok, well, i don't have the time to go on & on about all of the thoughts I'm having post -elections, but i'm gonna warn ya that there are some ideas coming that many in the left will not want to face.
I'll be writing quite a bit about them in the future. i need to go a little further with my thoughts first.
here are some teasers:
-the left needs to learn PATIENCE. the majority of America is not yet ready for the type of changes that are starting to sweep our culture. it takes time for these cultural memes to percolate thru the country. trying to force these beliefs on people that are not yet wired for them never works.
the best example is gay marriage.
if it would not have been pushed so forcefully, there would not have been so many states passing legislation to ban it. Once again, those that deserve to have the liberty to be themselves have it quashed because they did not see beyond their pride & self righteousness to see what kind of effects they would be dealing with. Basically, the way in which this meme was attempting to spread, the technique, was not effective. it ended up creating more problems than would have existed if the subject would not have been brought up. I'm not saying it should NOT have been brought up, but that the time was not yet ready. hence, the need for patience, for understanding & working with instead of against those that one sees as enemies.
as long as that polarisation is a part of the self definition of ANY group, this problem will persist due to the violent nature of the discourse.
now, realize that i am saying this while being the only straight employee in a gay owned & operated business. I believe in ANYONE'S right to express their connection with others. I also think the need to have that recognized by the state is juvenile & creates a relationship with the state as parental figure. truly childish.
on the same token, there should be equal legal rights to any type of domestic coupling. or even grouping for that manner. if there is a group of people that wish to live in a familial tribal setting without one on one partnerships, that should be allowed as well. if the right really wants to look at a solution for such problems as abortion & the desacralization of sex,the meaningless & profane relationships that many people have, the disconnection from the creative force, maybe they should be looking beyond their religion & cultural setting & see how effective the tribal template is. it has been going for millions of years & the only reason it is diminishing is because the "civilized world" will not allow any other way of being other than it's own to exist. it seeks to destroy all other ways of being.
One other big lesson those on the left should learn, especially all of the urban people out there, is that middle america is NOTHING like you. they do not even live within the same culture. in the city it is easy to forget, there are so many that are the same. sameness is everywhere, even though there is diversity as well. in fact, the diversity is mistaken for being the natural state of human affairs when it is actually a newer way of being. for the majority of america, this is not the reality that they face. they are scared of urban america. they believe in the myths. when they come to experience the city, they go to the areas that were specifically designed to impress them & make them spend money. they get to experience this soft inner shell which they think is surrounded by the forces of darkness. and not only that, but they enter into a world where people do not look each other in the eyes as they walk down the street. into a world in which so many act in such a completely self absorbed manner

I would also suggest that many in the left, or rather, many that are passionate about ANY belief or cause, have a tendency to insulate themselves from reality by surrounding themselves with an insulating barrier of like minded people. in doing so, other thought patterns are kept from entering the discourse, and since everyone in the group keeps hearing the same thing repeated over & over, the tendency comes to believe that everyone thinks that way & sees things as you do.

if there is anything that is obvious, it is that we do not have a truly representative system of government. if we did, there would be 2 leaders when there is a near 50/50 split in the popular mindset. each would be equally represented. this whole notion that 51 vs 49 represents some movement totally to one side over the other is completely absurd and is the perfect example of how insanely dualistic & black/white the american mindset is.
it needs to change.
left & right are both extreme, arrogant, shortsighted, intolerant, and childish.
we should all be able to live in the way in which we find proper. without the need to convince others to live in the same way. this plurality is part of the natural system of life, the one that comes from the creator, if you need to believe that.
this violence of the mind must stop. we have forgotten the heart.
we must find out hearts again, and realize that we are all on this trip called life together & that no matter how different our beliefs may be, we all need to support & encourage each others journeys into the unknown.
we all get to decide the world we live in. we just need to take the actions into our own hands. every day, in every interaction. that's the ONLY way in which anything is every going to really change.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

National Day of Delusion and Confusion

ok, so it's election day.
let's start out with some fun before i go off on a rant...
i think both of these are pertinent to today.

The Parable of the Bitter Tea
by Rev. Dr. Hypocrates Magoun, P.P., POEE Priest, Okinawa Cabal
When Hypoc was through meditating with St. Gulik, He went there into the kitchen where he busied hiimself with preparing the feast and in this endeavor, he found that there was some old tea in a pan left standing from the night before, when he had in his weakness forgot about its making and had let it sit steeping for 24 hours. It was dark & murky and it was Hypoc's intention to use this old tea by diluting it with water, And again in his weakness, chose without further consideration and plunged into the physical labor of the preparations. It was then when deeply immersed in the pleasure of that trip, he has a sudden loud clear voice in his head saying "It is bitter tea that involves you so." Hypoc heard the voice, but the struggle inside intensified, and the pattern, previously established with the physical laboring and the muscle messages coordinated and unified or perhaps coded, continued to exert their influence and Hypoc succumbed to the pressure and he denied the voice.
And again he plunged into the physical orgy and completed the task, and LO as the voice had predicted, the tea was bitter.
-Principia Discordia page 00037 (all hail ERIS!)

and heck , here's page 38 too!:
One day Mal-2 (Malaclypse the younger) asked the messenger spirit Saint Gulik to approach the Goddess and request Her presence for some desparate advice. Shortly afterwards the radio came on by itself, and an ethereal female Voice said
"O! Eris! Blessed Mother of Man! Queen of Chaos! Daughter of Discord! Concubine of Confusion! O! Exquisite Lady, I beseech You to lift a heavy burden from my heart!"
"I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own people, mothers imprison sons, children perish while brothers war. O, woe"
"But nobody WANTS it! Everybody hates it!"
At which moment she turned Herself into an aspirin commercial and left the Polyfather stranded alone with his species.

okay, now for the rant...
yep i'm gonna vote. why, simply because i don't want to have to field all of the bullshit questions from everyone as to why i would not.
first of all, i'll admit to being about as stubborn as possible when it comes to ethics & how i express myself. i WILL NOT do something that i do not feel ethically ok with. PERIOD!
that said, i am breaking that rule for this one day.
I do not want to.there is probably not a single person on the ballot who i feel deserves the position they are running for.
here's the number one reason: they all talk about being leaders when THAT IS NOT THEIR JOB. THEY ARE SERVANTS! if we are choosing leaders, then we are NOT a representative democracy. it is not supposed to be about us following them, but about them doing what we tell them to do.
the electoral college system is obsolete. it's antiquated.
it is not a truly representative system.

also, i'd like to ask you all; how much do you actually know about the candidates that matter most? your local judges? your state rep's & senators? do you even know who your choices are before you go to the polls?
if not, don't you dare consider yourself an informed voter.
you keep wondering how we get in this mess & it's probably because 90% of americans are boastful ignorant fools.
i understand that people are bred & programmed to uphold this way of being. voting it further into existence solidifies this more & more with each passing year as we ignore the real problems that are at the roots of our way of life & entertain ourselves with what we are told is important & the real source of the problems.
it's really this simple: did the way we are trying to solve the problem work yesterday? did it work the day before? how about the day before that? well, then why the hell do you expect it to work NOW !?!
how about TRYING A DIFFERENT APPROACH. try a new solution. stop banging your frikkiin head against the wall like a madman!

i think people are going to feel very let down if Kerry wins & the changes do not come. there has been this great buildup of expectation, as if kerry is some sort of saviour. all i can say is that we're just opening the door to another demon.
he may be friendlier, he may be wiser, he may seem more humanitarian, but always watch what is happening behind his back.
remember that some of the most insidious acts happen in the name of humanitarian cause. an example: sterilizing agents being put in vaccines given in africa.
sound implausible? it's true. done by "humanitarians".(somewhere in my blog archives there's a link to the story)
my point is simply to stay awake & aware & don't let the bs rhetoric of your self empowerment thru voting delude you into thnking that we really live in as free of a society as is portrayed. if it were really free, there would be no problem with people living different ways of life, people would not have to work if they didn't want to, we would be able to choose the type of education we really want (and i mean REALLY, not from the short list. it's like pretending that judaism, christianity & islam are different religions & represent the expanse of religious diversity when they actually are all different variations on the same foundations -they are 3 different evolutionary steps in the same belief system)
anyway...enough of my bs for today:
now get out there & vote! we've gotta start somewhere! just realize that we need to do the work, not them!

Monday, November 01, 2004

aldous huxley on voting

i'd started a project of posting random pickings from my bookshelves & never kept up with it. i was surprised when doing a google search one day that someone had actually used the page as a reference.
anyway, here's what i had up:

Self-government is in inverse ratio to numbers. The larger the constituency, the less the value of any particular vote. When he is merely one of millions, the individual elector feels himself to be impotent, a negligible quantity. The candidates he has voted into office are far away, at the top of the pyramid of power. Theoretically they are the servants of the people; but in fact it is the servants who give orders and the people, far off at the base of the great pyramid, who must obey. Increasing population and advanced technology have resulted in an increase in the number and complexity of organizations, an increase in the amount of power concentrated in the hands of officials and a corresponding decrease in the amount of control exercised by electors, coupled with a decrease in the public's regard for democratic procedures. Already weakened by the vast impersonal forces at work in the modern world, democratic institutions are now being undermined from within by the politicians and their propagandists.

Human beings act in a variety of irrational ways, but all of them seem to be capable, if given a fair chance, of making a reasonable choice in the light of available evidence. Democratic institutions can be made to work only if all concerned do their best to impart knowledge and to encourage rationality. But today, in the world's most powerful democracy, the politicians and their propagandists prefer to make nonsense of democratic procedures by appealing almost exclusively to the ignorance and irrationality of the electors. "Both parties," we were told in 1956 by the editor of a leading business journal, "will merchandize their candidates and issues by the same methods that business has developed to sell goods. These include scientific selection of appeals and planned repetition….Radio spot announcements and ads will repeat phrases with a planned intensity. Billboards will push slogans of proven power….Candidates need, in addition to rich voices and good diction, to be able to look 'sincerely' at the TV camera."

From Brave New World Revisited by Aldous Huxley
pages 65-66
©1958 Aldous Huxley

blahbiddy blah

well, I've been feeling like I'm not sure which end is up with myself over the last few days.
i guess i'm questioning this whole "owning my way of being " thing.
I've always had a hard time with this fear of becoming overly arrogant, of being unthinking & uncompassionate about the way i interact with others.
usually, this manifests as verbal diarrhea.
somehow, every now & then, i lose the ability to censor myself or to stop going on & on about something. It becomes this extroverted process. I know that i am looking for feedback, but then i don't give enough space to get that feedback. I'll just keep on talking.
I've noticed that sometimes I'm like that with this blog too. I go on & on as if i know what I'm talking about.
well, i want to assure all of you that i most definitely don't think i know it all & simply have a tendency to be open about my internal processes.
I'm now starting to realize the toll that this can take on those around me though. I never ask if my friends care to bare the weight of that which i present. this is a bit selfish. i get into this mode of draggin people into the learning process & the experience without thinking about whether they are even ready or willing or not.
I need to be more thoughtful about this.
I'm definitely glad to be becoming aware of this.
i simply hope that i can keep that awareness & change the mode of being.
maybe it's because of the times we live in & the fact that i believe that this way of life most of us live is simply evolutionarily unstable. not only that, but it seems pretty damn obvious that it brings madness & trauma to more than it brings bliss.
we seem to be as inefficent as we possibly can be, avoiding the direct route at all costs.
all i know is that I've got some big changes coming (when do i not feel that way?) and i've really gotta make sure that they stick.
I guess this realization comes because for the first time in my entire life, I've had someone say that they never wish to see me again. this has never happened to me before. it makes me question my actions & who i am becoming.
i can only hope to go deeper within, to understand myself better so that i act out of love & compassion. truly, with the understanding of how i am effecting others.

more later...

Sunday, October 31, 2004

makin up for friday five

well well, since kitten is bringin back her friday five, i'm gonna follow suit even though it's already sunday!
heck, i'll make it my sunday six! ;^)
her questions plus one extra of my own...

1. Do you celebrate Halloween?
not any more than any other day i guess. kinda disappointing since i'd probably love dressin up.

2. Scariest movie you've ever seen:
scary movies never really scare me. hmmm....
i was extremely disturbed by both The Serpent & the Rainbow & Jacob's Ladder when i first saw them

3. Did you carve a pumpkin this year?
No carvin this year, although i am growing hard gourds in my garden which will get carved into marvelous works of art when they cure. last time i careved pumpkins was probably back in about '97 or '98

4. Best costume you've ever worn or seen:
The best i wore was a blue elephant suit in kindergarten.
that i've seen, well, i was entertained last week when on the WGN morning news two of them were at the Fantasy Super Store or whatever it's called & one was dressed up as "super sperm" and the other was a box of facial tissue that said "blow me".

5. Trick.. or treat?
giving or getting? the trickster is great, but the treats are better.

6.What do you do with that extra hour you get when the clocks "fall back"?
sleep. but while i'm resetting the clocks, i always think about how it's the perfect moment for people to reflect on the fact that time & all of those things we use to coordinate & organize our lives are our own creations, and we can really change them whenever we want.

a little fresh air

Well, the trip downstate was good & tiring.
i didn't get much sleep.
headed down on the amtrak on friday morning & spent the day with my friend Tracy & met her kids & some of her friends.
tracy, her friend Laurie (or lori or howver she spells it, i don't know) ended up doin a little bar hopping in Lincoln that night. It was a good time.
It felt nice to be out in the country when i was out at tracy's home in Hartsburg.
just to see so much sky & so few buildings.

on Saturday I went past my family's old house & went out to the park that i'd always run around in in my youth. so many old, old trees out there.
spent some time hanging out with my dad, had lunch wiht him & some of his friends & then on the drive back stopped off at my mom's in bloomington & had dinner there.

even though i got an extra hour of sleep last night, i'm still exhausted.
i'm definitely gonna hit the hay early tonight.

i had a lot of realizations over the weekend that i'm not sure are even expressable, but i definitely discovered that integration is happening in me. my spirituality & beliefs are not merely abstractions.

not wanting to be at work today, but what can ya do?

Thursday, October 28, 2004

on the road again

this weekend I'm heading down to my home town Lincoln,IL.
gonna see my dad, my old friend tracy, and my mom too.
not only that, but I'll be coming back driving the family's old caravan.
almost 200,000 miles & still going. I really need to take care of some projects I've been wanting to do: bookshelves, make a new 'puter desk, a turntable & mixer table...
i want to turn this home into the vision that i've had for it for quite some time.
organic shapes, curves, just like my art.
havin the minivan shure will help with getting supplies & stuff. and maybe since i now have a vehicle to haul stuff, maybe I'll try to start playin out more. get that music thing goin...
I'll take pictures of my trip.
yeah, even after lambasting the lens in my last post!
as long as it's just a momentary thing, it's a great way to share , ain't it?
i love looking at pictures, envisioning the stories behing the photos.
did you know?:
from what i've read about subtle energies, kirlian photography & such, there is a huge difference between digital & chemical photography. i mean beyond the obvious differences.
at some point most of us have heard about how so called "primitive people" are afraid of cameras & believe that by taking your picture that you are stealing their spirit or soul.
did you know that in a way, they are right?
supposedly, chromatic/ chemical/ analog/traditional, whatever ya want to call it photography captures the subtle energy of the subject matter. that is, the energy pattern is translated onto the photo paper by the sunlight -it basically imprints itself onto the light, just as multiple wave patterns combine to form complex waveforms, as in a sound wave.
since there is an actual analog contact of the energies without any translation other than the lens, there is a direct connection between subject (the photographed) and object (the photo paper & emulsion).
with digital, there is no direct contact. the light is converted into code, into linearly structured information. it is a facsimile of the subject, nothing more.
so, if you were some spell caster or whatever, someone unbalanced enough to think you need to manipulate someone through spell, through ritual, a traditional photo would hold the actual essence of the individual, while a print of a digital pic would not.
ok , so that's kinda strange info, but i think it's interesting.
and hey, this blog IS called absurd notions, right? ;^)

I'm starting to really enjoy this writing thing. I better start writing a book or these entries are gonna get longer & longer.
maybe I'll even participate in that blogger blog your novel thing that's goin on.
wonder what kind of crazy crap I'd write...
something for me to chew on for the weekend.
on that note, hope y'all have a great weekend & tune in next week for the start of my next drama...

meme theme

There used to be that wonderful friday five list that would let us give a little maybe not so important but rather insightful nuggets of ourselves.
well, kitten has posted a little list of her current state of things & I'll ingest the meme & filter it in my own way here.
so here's my list:

Current state of things

Wearing: thrift store jeans that are reaching their last days but looking more & more like designer jeans that idiots pay unthinking amounts for (and i payed $2.50!), my highly worn Orb -Orbus Terrarum tour shirt with the glowing crescent moons that magically spell out orb using negative space. a great shirt for the halloween season! my indigo gravis rivals on my feet and my wool pendleton poorboy on my head (see pic at right)

Drinking: water. can't get enough.

Upset that: I ruined what could have been the best friendship i'd ever have. sorry patricia. it would have been an amazing friendship! it's gonna be hard to find anyone to match the resonance we'd get going when talking about life. (but i know the world will supply!)

Luxuriating in: the knowledge that all of this will pass & new & wonderful experiences await.

Reading: Just finished Cat's Cradle (thanks kitten!)by Vonnegut and also The Discipline of Trancendence by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. Currently reading The Book of the Secrets vol 1. by Bhagwan (osho)which is about the tantric method -actually 112 of them (and no it is not all about sex! tantra is about seeking enlightenment thru experience rather than as a thoughtform. it deals with experiential reality rather than abstract reality)

Learning: How much i still have to learn & unlearn about much damage i can unmeaningfully do to others in the process of fertilizing their becoming.

Downloading: Cosmic Waves

Wanting: Peace, rest, love. a way of earning a living that is saturated with the spiritual essence that i wish to live by.

Listening to:the sound of a fan blowing cool air on me & laura lee interviewing Jame's O'Dea

damn, i sure am getting mystical these days...

a lot is occuring right now, including closure with patricia. i finally heard from her & yes, we are going our separate ways. difficult, but probably necessary,especially for her, and i care about her well being & happiness.
i'm finding that i could write a whole damn book based on all of the realizations this experience has brought me and continues to bring.
i hate goodbyes, but sometime, one must simply let go. there is no choice.
besides, it does not matter in the grand scheme of things. allthere is is the moment, the right now. we hope for tomorrow, we remember the past, and all but the present is completely abstract. it isn't real. our memories are not objective & neither are our wishes. One does not know a shared experience more intimately or correctly than the other. it is all translation, it is all fleeting, and it is all different tomorrow than it was today. bhagwan presents a great metaphor in this regard, it is an old metaphor, not his, but this does not matter...and here i will extrapolate & make it my own...
you go to a river & you put your feet in, when you pull them out & put them in again, is it the same river? is there even a river as a thing, or is there just the riverness? you cannot touch the same water twice. it is impossible, even when you are in the motion of putting your foot in the water, as it passes through, there is always newness, new water, never the same.not even for a moment can the motion of the river be captured - the river is not a thing, it is a flowing, a verb, a state of movement. in this same way, we experience life, yet we go on pretending that this is not so, that the you i experience today is the same as the you i experienced a moment ago, a day ago, a lifetime ago. this is why we are so obsessed with pictures, with documenting, with capturing still moments. because deep down we know that this understanding of reality is not true. all is ever changing, so we obsessively latch on to an attempt to give concreteness to the single moment. to capture it, to solidify it as if this somehow makes it more real, more genuine then the actual experience itself! this is completely absurd! how can one think that the representation of the experience is more real than the actual experience? how can one think that the very thought, the memories are more real than the experience? all of these are merely shadows cast by the light of the living being, the experience as it exists withing the flow of the river of life.
do not get me wrong. i am not against the lens. i am not against pictures. they are wonderful symbols that we can use to share and remindd. to trigger the memories we have of those experiences. but some people just et so caught up in the act of documenting their experiences that one must wonder if the experience is actually more one of documentation. which of the aspects of the experience becomes the dominant?
which is more beautiful, a tree or a painting of that tree? it MUST be the tree. the tree is complete in and of itself, it does not need the observer to have its beauty. the beauty is inherent in its very being. the painting is just a notion, an observation, howver beautiful, but it is not the tree & it is only possible through an interpretation, thru the seeing of the artist. it is not even really a representation of the tree, but is a picture of the artist, as is all art.
do not get these things confused. in a time of media saturation this is very difficult, but we must remain aware.
every time we put a lense between ourselves and our experience, we extinguish a little bit of the beauty of the moment in order to replace it with a memory. What would happen if all of a sudden we all became completely present & just absorbed the entirety of our experiences?
be present. realize that the way in which we are having to document everything is converting the world. we are turning the world into a museum, into a lifeless paid for experience. the more we put between ourselves & our experiences, the more we mediate them, the less authentic we become - the more we become sleepwalkers - the more we lose our ability to see.
we should be attempting to wake up from the dream.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Eminem's New Video Highlights 9/11, Illuminati

now, i'm no big fan of eminem, but his new vid. is pretty damn powerful.
it's a collaboration with GNN (Guerilla News Network) and has a whole lotta imagery in it.
if they'd only showed that kerry isn't as different as we all wanna believe...Skull & bones skull & bones!check out the vid on alex jone's prison planet site.
here's the link.
it takes a while to download (took me about five minutes on dsl) but very worth it.

The "War on Terror" as Defined by 1984's Emmanuel Goldstein

Why is it that no matter how many writers present stories & metaphors in order to help us see, so many still remain blind?
In this case, Orwell once again shows his insightfulness.
here's the link. text links go to news items that are examples of the idea in action.
The "War on Terror" as Defined by 1984's Emmanuel Goldstein

Sunday, October 24, 2004

academics shmakademics

Well, I went to the Humanities Open House at the University of Chicago on Saturday.
it was ok, but i was a little disappointed.
maybe i expect too much.
but then again, there's always a tendency towards overspecialization in academics.
I have to say that Hyde Park is beautiful.
It was my first trip down there. I'm definitely going to have to go exploring down there.
Stacie went with and attended different lectures than i did. during the lunch break me took a little walk around the neighborhood & found a nice small "world bazaar" store with all types of beads, drums, etc. very cool. gotta go back there.

I also talked to tracy, an old flame of mine from high school this weekend. we had some wonderful conversations. it's always interesting how years can go by yet connections still remain. I hadn't seen her in over a decade & a few years ago when my brother Daniel died, there she was at my parents doorstep offering her support.
I'm amazed by some of the wonderful things she says to me. It's great to be reminded that I leave people with the feelings i do. i must be doing something right in this life! thank god(dess)!
hope i keep being that.

to back up to friday...i walked over & checked out the Rockwell Beans & Bagels.
it's a beautiful little place. I saw Lucia who i hadn't seen in months, and brought Jodi some grape tomatoes & music. sat & had a sandwich & finished "The Discipline of Trancendence" by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh which consisted on multiple transcripts of his talks on the Diamond Sutra of Buddha and various questions from his sanyasi.

didn't really feel like coming back to work today, but so be it. gotta pay the bills!
more thoughts on the open house lectures when i get time to really sit down & write out my thoughts.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

finding center

over the last few days i've been developing a voice, a storytellers voice.
i find myself talking to the air about things, about enlightenment, about awareness, about finding an authentic self.
i feel as if i am overflowing,that i can no longer contain that which has been filling me. i want to share, to show, to maybe bring some awareness, to wake up some dreamers, to wake up myself.
i look inwards at ways i have been on my journey, choices I've made, how i have participated, or not participated. how i have let fear rule my actions, and how i have let reality flow.
always the inner fighting. why? why sometimes listen to that inner felling , that thing which happens & is beyond words. sometimes it happens when you look deep into another's eyes. a feeling can be there, as if you've known this being before.
but then, maybe you are remembering that you are yet to discover them. I'm not convinced that time is linear - before , after - maybe it is all at once - multidimensional. maybe that past life is just you in another realm at the same time as you are right now,how can you know?
i'm not so sure that we build an understanding over time as much as we clear away our unknowing, our blindness to what has always been there.our unwillingness to see. all we've needed to do is learn to see, learn to feel.learn to be authentic, to be ourselves & see through our own eyes rather than those given to us as our predecessors felt the need to pass on their own programming, errors & all.
go deeper, take the next step.
an example: i was listening to a man, Thomas Moore, talk about contradiction and oneness. about accepting the now, the as you are, yet even though he promoted the acceptance of contradiction, he could not make the smallest steps. he could not understand zen. he even said that the yin yang was not about balance, for if it was, it would have a straight line & not a curved one. he could not recognize the motion represented, the dance of creation, the true balance that only exists as a living existence. only through a static state can a straight line be drawn. only through death, through the discontinuation of change, of being, of life itself.straight lines are a part of crystalization, where else do they really exist? that is the only place in nature you will find them, and even there, if you look close, the illusion of the straight line may be microscopic, but eventually, the line falls apart.
another thing he could not understand is how time could be contradictory. he believes that time is cyclical , circular. this is all fine, yet he then states that some people believe it must then be spiral because it must be going somewhere, must inlude the dynamic of the linear.
he says an emphatic no.
he could not make the next step, he could not envision that maybe this spiral itself is forming a circle, a tube torus, like a donut. or maybe this spiral is then forming another, and then another, and then another. how can one say that they know the true form of the infinite? that they can definitively say that time is a circle? this is absurd.
Maybe it is due to his original programming as a Catholic, and as a part of western society. Some westerners simply cannot make the leap that is needed to understand eastern ideas. westerners like to pretend at moving past their linearity, their need for duality, but if you look close, it is almost always still must be. it is inescapable uless one finds true awareness, and even then, it can be elusive.
I have come to a kind of understanding about this in the unfolding of my knowing of osho/bhagwan shree rhajneesh & all that happened with him & his communes. Here was a man that presented many wonderful things, yet always kept responsibility in the hands of the individual. this did not work well in the ashram/commune setting, where certain individuals seemed to have created what they desired at the expense of others.
All throughout osho/ bhagwan's talks/books (which are merely transcripts of talks) he repeatedly presents this idea of not following, of not leading, of simply presenting & helping one to see what is already there. in this way, his name osho is correct where as bhagwan is not. for he uses the techniques of the zen master. it is not a technique of is a way of bringing awareness, of shaking foundations, of waking up the dreamer.he does not have the compassion of a boddhisatva.
he is not interested in bringing comfort, in making things easier. he is solely interested in your awareness.
this can be very dangerous. from what i am starting to understand about what happened, it seems that as westerners flocked to him, they wanted to follow, to be led.actually, i don't think it was JUST the westerners, but that they were even more out of balance than others. they brought with them all of the issues which had been controlling them, and expressed them on each other & themselves. they looked at osho as the one to make decisions for them, when he was in fact testing them, seeing if they had the courage to find their own lessons in his words.
in one sense, this relieved osho of responsibility for the happenings in his ashram, in another, it was the ultimate lesson, for even he fell victim to the addiction of followers, of defining himself by that which surrounded him while pretending that this was not the case. delusion can even come to one considered an enlightened master. the truth is that every single being in the ashram was resposible for what occurred, for we are all the masters of our own lives, we simply have to make the steps to recognize it & actualize it.
this is the most important lesson. as long as you are in the flesh, you are still fallible. you are human, and this is perfectly right, otherwise, you would not have been born. you have been given a gift. a chance to discover the potential that exists in all things. the absolute beauty. the miracle of all that is.
true enlightenment does not come in this world, only when one is ready to step into the next.
while we are here, all we can do is wake up.
find awareness & you will find life. you will find god. everywhere.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

rest easy

What an uneventful weekend. I slept a lot.
i painted my front windows with watercolors.
watched a few movies & cleaned house a little.
i liked the sleeping part. the earlier sunset is really messing with me. it happens so quickly.
next weekend I'm going to the Humanities Open House at the University of Chicago.
I'll be attending lectures on "The Rhetoric of Rhetoric","How Does Culture Outrun Biology?", and "The Eucharistic "We" and the Triumph of the Chiastic".
I'm really looking forward to it.
I saw Jodie over at Beans & Bagels yesterday for the first time in months. It was very good to see her. Ever feel like there's a connection from past lives with someone that you've met but still don't really know that well? That's how i feel about her. I keep meeting more & more people that i connect on this level with.

Picked the last of the grape tomatoes. still need to get out there & grab the thai chilis.
Whitey (who comes & collects the game money at work & i talk gardening & such with) brought me a bunch of tomatoes from his garden today, mostly green.
gonna weigh down that backpack a bit for the walk home.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

timeline link / my strange past

an interesting page about world history timelines - focusing on turning points.: I haven't read thru it yet. I found it while doing a search for "Michael Zadok" which is the name of a comic character i created in high school called "The Saint". it was during my weird christian phase. I created a whole team a la x-men that battled the anti-christ. the saint wielded the flaming sword of st. michael.
the anti-christ figure was called killjoy.
i actually won an honorary mention in an art comtest for a big scene that i drew of one of the battles. i think the drawing is extremely mediocre, so they must not have had many entries ;^).
I never really wrote any stories for the characters, cus the phase passed pretty quickly and i lost interest.
so yeah, there's a little strange nugget of my past for ya.

inner/outer travels

I'd like to thank toda_V for this wonderful quote that he sent my way (along with many others that he's been sending recently from his "kabbalahconcepts" yahoo group)
it's always interesting to me how inefficient western civilization is at obtaining that which it seeks. we have this habit of taking the longest & most expensive path...
anyway, on to the quote

"Our most important journeys are Inner ones. There is no use visiting every
place in this world physically if we do not take our minds with us.
Furthermore, our minds are capable of travel experience quite apart from our
bodies. An imaginative invalid with well developed faculties for inner
exploration travels far more widely and to better purpose than someone who
covers thousands of miles each week thinking of nothing except commercial
cares of material concerns. Apart from survival necessities, the best
reasons for bodily travel are to provide the mind with more opportunities
for excursions into Inner Dimensions, thus becoming more experienced and
knowledgeable entities. Yet by itself travel is only moving our bodies
around so that sense impressions via our brains supply our minds with
unfamiliar stimulit to which we react on deeper than average levels. It is
the newness of the stimuli which evokes responses from us causing expansive
or other changes in our Inner Cosmoi. If we took the time and trouble to
learn the art of Inner travel along this Path, we could explore quite new
Inner territory and areas of existence which would provide us with
sufficient spiritual stimuli to enlarge ourselves enormously. Why do we not
travel inside ourselves more often? We might go to the ends of the earth and
come back with nothing worth having, yet journey inside ourselves for less
than half an hour and return with the keys of a whole new life."

- William G. Gray (The Talking Tree)

Saturday, October 09, 2004

weekend travel

well, I'm in St. Peter's Missouri this weekend at my sis Diana's. took the train down to bloomington IL to my ma's & then we drove from there. so, yesterday was a day full of travel & waiting. not bad though. I've gotta say that I've definitely been mastering the art of patience. it's so rare that I'm ever bored these days! i could sit with nothing to do for hours & not feel boredom creeping in.
i'd like to think that this is a sign of being at home in myself, of not needing to fill time with frivolous things in order to not BE with myself.
I had a blast playing with my nieces Mariah & Olivia last night. they are so goofy, imaginative & loving.
Had strange dreams last night too, the strangest being seeing a photo of patty holding a child with pete's head on it. ha! funny & disturbing at the same time.

It's strange being in suburban st. louis. i don't know how anyone can live in suburbs. too much traffic, too many big corporate things. it makes me feel very lucky & blessed to have access on a daily basis to so many alternatives.
I'll post more about the trip when i return sunday night. hopefully with pics too.
i'm sure that there are a few of me lookin a little crazy while playin with mariah.
ciao for now!

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

catching up.

I know I haven't been very consistent with my postings lately.
this one'll be a little long...
I just haven't felt like sitting at the computer & typing.
so...where to start?
Last thursday I watched the prez debate over at Kitten & TheMan's place.
we went out afterwards for a drink & a few ours of great conversation.
a) the debate: I still think they are both bad news.
I just don't like 'em.
Here's the main philosophical difference i found:
the Bush syndicate's way of seeing the world is static. to seek a path that is forward, full speed, with no attention payed to anything but the abstract goal that is at the supposed end of such a path.
stay the course. lie if you need to to keep morale high. the abstract idea is all that is important it is what is to be worshipped at all cost, especially the cost of the majority of people who do not hold the majority of the wealth.
the Kerry Cabal's vision seems to be more rooted in flexibility, to grok, to utilize the feedback loop & analyze the effects of actions & adjust the response & action accordingly. It is the recognition of the fluidity of life & death. It surprised me to hear this. I would also say that Kerry has a more global view, which is as dangerous as it is visionary.
i can see some global government stuff being birthed under his watch.
mucho big brothero with either one.
When Bush made a quip about Yale I would have loved to have seen a big ass Jolly Roger drop down behind those two Skull & Bones members.
b) the pub!
the conversation was varied & awesome. I seemed to have sparked a little interest in the astrology stuff in Kitten.
I said a few somewhat onnery things about Leo's, but hey, if you'd seen what I'd seen...
I've had a lot of Leo's in my life. a girlfriend in high school, stacie, who i lived with for all of my late twenties & am better friends than ever with now, margaret, my friend & landlady, the former manager at work that i shared an office with for three years, and I'm sure there are a few more out there too.
I love 'em but man can they be a handful!
anyway, to tell a bit more about why birthchart info, etc. just might have some validity:
think of the universe as a big dish, a satellite dish. it's going to pick up your "signal" as you become manifest in the material world. (yep. that means that the moment of conception may be just as important as the moment of birth, but that's another area of thought altogether)
the dish is the universe, so everything on it is in constant motion, dancing around each other, pushing & pulling each other as they swing through their spiral orbits (there is no such thing as an eliptical orbit as the object which is being orbited around is also in motion/ in orbit around another body, so the movements never, ever, trace the same path.)
each pattern, each moment in spacetime manifests a different pattern on the dish. this is the "descrambler". it is what your signal is filtered through as it enters your body & life in the material world. different magnetic fields, subtle energy fields,morphic fields, fields of all kinds discovered & yet to be discovered all influence the way in which you manifest.
in that way, the sun sign is dominant as sol is the closest high energy emergence point. I'd even suggest that the hearts of suns are the gateways between dimensions of reality, but then, i watch too much Stargate SG1. ha!
it's interesting stuff & i've been very surprised at how accurate astrology can be, not as a predictor, but as a great tool to help one understand other people & how to deal with them. sometimes it sure makes certain people make a lot more sense!

we talked about all kindsa stuff, but this post is gettin long as is.

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind & it was great. I had to stop waatching it about 3/4 the way thru & just let myself release with all that has been happening lately. it felt wonderful to let the tears come. i then went over to the computer & wrote the words that I'd been waiting to come to me & sent them off to patty.
it felt good to express it, & i have such a deeper understanding of all of it.
It's amazing how the situations that arise in my life due to that girl always change me, always teach me.
hence the deep connection. we've got a great feedback loop when we let it flow.
I'm gonna miss it.

It's gettin cold out these days so I've gotta be harvesting the last of the goodies from the garden.
there are thai chili peppers, more grape tomatoes, carrots, black beans & the pole beans, and the hard squash are gettin big!
wonder what I'll make with them...
next year i think i wanna put up a trellise & do it right.

oh yeah, i also added my e-mail addy to my profile if there happen to be any readers out there that wanna say hello.