Tuesday, August 31, 2004


oh yeah...
i don't know if i can even begin to express the joy I'm feeling right now.
on saturday i got together with my dear friend sweet p. and had some awesome ethiopian food at addis abebe.the conversation was more than a little interesting & it seems we still feel the same pulse that has been infecting us for the past two years.
it's wonderful to have someone that make you feel at home in yourself.
it sucks when they are with someone else.
but, what can ya do besides be patient & live your own life.
it's so rare to feel something that is so true & touches so deeply.(and makes disembodied voices talk in your head)
i'm approaching this whole thing in a zen fashion this time around, but i've gotta admit to wantin to be a bit onnery too.
heck, when you know you want to spend your life with someone, it's hard to wait (or let go).
if you are new to my world & this blog & don't know any of the history of this, check out my first few months of blogger archives.rollercoaster city.
heck, maybe i shouldn't even be writing this publicly, but it's an important expression of myself.
if good ol peety happens across it...so be it.
my good friends know that i've lost my head many a time over sweet p.
i just can't seem to help it.
so, i live with the feeling, enjoy it for what it is & what can be expressed & am thankful to be so lucky as to even have her in my life.
who knows what tomorrow will bring?

I also beat Ratchet & Clank Going Commando on Sunday night. it was a little anti climactic considering i didn't even realize that i was fighting the big boss until i kicked it's ass & the credits rolled. now going thru in challenge mode which has about 2 or 3 times as many enemies & they all take more hits to destroy. oh what fun!
next game on the list is beyond good & evil.

been munchin on lots of navidad grape tomatoes from the garden. damn are they sweet!
i'm so glad that i chose them over full size tomatoes, escpecially with the cool august that we've had here in chi-town.

no politico-spiritual ranting today. furthest thing from my mind.

Thursday, August 26, 2004


no desire to express anything here really. at least not at this space time juncture (wow, tht sounds a littel bit nerdy, don'tit?)
interesting changes manifesting in life. things that aren't yet ready for words.
I'm sure I'll be back to posting long diatribes at some point.
then again, maybe not...
but truly, what does it matter. they are just words.
i'm thinkin more about living these days.

Thursday, August 12, 2004


not many posts these days because there's no point in it.
the more i look around & simply witness, the more i see delusion.
especially this political season.
it is one thing to say that you are choosong someone because you have no choice. it is quite another to convince yourself that this person is a positive solution.
either way, we're going to have a skull & bones globalist in charge.
i saw a shirt that said "Kerry Me" and this to me explains it all.
how more co-dependent of a statement can one come up with? (carry me)
seeing all of the canvasers out collecting money & signatures, i came to an interesting thought.
first, i'll say that i am not at all against organizations doing so called "good deeds" ot whatever. but one must realize what the whole donation & signature paradigm means psychologically & the type of mindset it creates & supports.
to put it in simplest terms, Helping others has become a matter of giving money & signing forms. the majority of the populace feels that it is morally & actively divorced from taking any sort of direct action to help others or to feel the responsibility of how their lifestyle effects others. all they have to do is pay someone else to do it & sign off on their responsibility.
"i gave to greenpeace & signed up for a membership, so i'm an environmentalist" bullshit. unless you change your personal relationship to those things thru your $'s and lifestyle choices, you are decidedly NOT.
To me, left & right, liberal & conservative, all that take a particular side are delusional and by definition not enlightened. following either eastern or western mystical traditions (for the west the best example would be alchemy) the ONLY place where true insight manifests is in the exact middle. the balance of male/female. physical/spiritual, life/death, etc....
compassion is a high form of being on a personal level. it cannot be properly actualized through organizations but only through direct action.
i think it's time for everyone to start rolling an important question around in their mind. what is the role of the state? what do we NEED it for? it is there to SERVE, not to create culture, not to dictate the mental state of the people.
everyone is gonna have a different answer about what they think they need from it. that's where cooperation & regionalism come in. important stuff,as diversity is the way of life.it is the very mechanism which life uses to create life, to renew itself.
anyway...this is all stuff of the mind anyway. it's all abstract, none of it is real.
it is something that we as human beings have given birth to in an attempt to understand and possibly control the totality of existence - a truly over the top egotrip that is very misguided & out of step with the matural systems in which we are immersed.it is our right & our natural way to sculpt it into what we feel we need. our reality is a tool. a tool for living. we need to ask if it's been helping us or hindering us. does it bring fulfillment or does it lead us away from truth? i don't mean the kind of truth that "culture" provides or seeks in order to maintain itself, but the ultimate truth, the understanding of how the divine runs through everything & that it is miraculous that any of this even exists.
not everyone is on the enlightenment trip, not everyone is interested in The Truth, not everyone is ready for that journey. what we need to do is facilitate all of these various levels of existence.
you have been blessed to be manifested into this life that you currently exist in which allows you to read this, to eat wonderful dinners, to love, to hurt, to experiment & discover the many aspects of creation & how you relate to it.
we are all blessed. each of us has a different path to take & to keep acting like we can make rules & guidelines that pertain to an infinite number of pathways to the truth is delusional.
we must always remember that the decisions we make for any group larger than the "self"(which may not actually exist but just might be an illusion of separation), that we are making a common decision that should not be specific, but provide a framework for the open expression & exploration of all that are within that group. it should not be used coercively to make people behave in a certain manner...unless you want me or someone else to come dictate how YOU live.

just a few more quick thoughts.
when you see someone that annoys you or find yourself being judgemental, say to yourself "there i am doing ____" or "there i am being _____". then and only then can we start to take a step further & try to understand the patterns that lead to that behavior.
politics will NEVER be the anser to our problems.
it is only a tool. not a solution.
dogmatic religion will never provide the answer. it only provides shelter at no expense other than feeding off of your negative emotions like a vampire.
it does not seek to move you past them, but to have you accept them without moving through them. ALL priesthoods are created as a control method that is based on the same principles as politics.
side note- did you know that the supposed "oracles" of the early mediterranean civilisations used carrier pigeons to get news back early from far away so that it appeared that they were able to predict the future?. priesthoods have a long history of stealing technologies from the masses & then hording them so that they appear to be more in touch with "the gods". this allows them to be priviledged & hold power over their people. the very mindset is ego based.
Jesus would NEVER have formed a church in the sense that is currently accepted.
anyone who is not a gnostic christian, who is a follower of european traditions (protestant & catholic) is NOT a follower of christ. they are followers of Constantine. the version of jesus which he created during the council of nicea is an amalgam of mithraism, the osirian/isis/horus religion.
jesus was not the first to be born of a virgin, die on a cross & be resurrected.
those parts of the story were attached later. it is a natural part of spiritual evolution. the various ideas about "god" metamorphosize as populations shift & differing cultures come into contact with each other.
some believe jesus travelled to india, to britain (not as far fetched as you might think considering the phoenecians had an extensive maritime network that could possibly even have reached to the americas), that he'd married mary mag & had children...
some may call this heresy, but if your faith rests on such tiny details & not on the truth of unconditional love, than you are not experiencing the totality of that which is referred to as "god" or "love".
the truth is not in the words or in the details, it is in the experience & the meaning bewtween & behind the words .
religion is not for safety. it is for discovering your own relationship with the creative force.

Monotheism is the largest purveyor of mass genocide in the known history of the human race. Ideological intollerance based on spiritual beliefs did not exist on a mass scale until the Akhenaton, Aaron,Moses & the Exodus. (a sarcastic thank you to YHWH for bringing so much hate into the world. truly the greatest deciever ever)
and no i am not anti-semitic. i am not against people. i am not against anything. i simply try to realize the truth about things. no one is excepted from scrutiny, no one is more divine than anyone, no people are the "chosen people".we are ALL chosen.
i think i remember the avatar/ buddah named jeshua (jesus) once said "all are welcome at my table". if i'm wrong about this, let me know.
Dogma is our problem. Laws are our problem.
think about this. Law cannot exist unless there is rule by fear. fear is the very spine of law. it is nothing but a mechanism of enslavement.
law never solves anything, it simply locks it in a box.

enough philo-ranting for today.
if you are offended by anything i write, i ask you to ask yourself, why am i offended? why do i really feel this way? and then try to go even deeper. the truth is inside you, not out "there".

Monday, August 09, 2004

Big Brother Watch: Screening Pregnancies

My not so wonderful home state of Illinois launches a new program for the mandatory mental health screening of pregnant women & their children here's the article
I think we all need to face the reality of the fact that we are letting our children's & our own mental & physical states be dictated by our government & corporate institutions.
If you have not read Aldous Huxley's Brave New World i highly suggest you do so. matter of fact, get the version that includes BNW revisited.
more later...it was a long weekend.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

unplanned events

What an interesting weekend.
I got home on thursday thinking i was going to be spending from friday thru monday in the st. louis area with my sisters, but i just couldn't get myself to take the long train ride down there.
I've been feeling very inward lately and have been reading about bodhidharma & zen & it's been bringing me to a very good place.
i just didn't feel up to the journey. it would have been great to see my sib's, but i just wasn't feeling it. i wasn't supposed to go.
well, having no plans for the weekend, i was surprised at what surfaced.
On friday, jack came down for about an hour & we played tony hawk pro skater 4 for awhile & then i walked him & his sister veronika up to margaret's store.
we all hung out there for a bit & ended up going out for dinner & then out for ice cream too. then we came home sat around in their place for awhile.
It was a really good time & the temperament of the whole evening was mellow & good.
then shane came outa no where, walked in without knocking & started spouting off stuff about work without even paying attention to how he was interrupting the mood.
margaret ended up falling asleep with veronika when she put her to bed & i went downstairs to my place & hit the hay soon after.
it was a really good night except for the ending, oh well...

saturday brought surprises as well.
danialle called & asked if i'd be interested in shooting one of the scenes for her & jen k's zombie flick.
we shot the "culture jammers" scene in which i had to sport a can of spraypaint (and use it) in the broad daylight (this in a city where it is illegal to buy spraypaint). it all went well & it was a good time. was great to meet new peeps.
I was told i could be the chocolate christ the next day, but unfortunately, that did not occur. (although it has sparked an idea of my own for a short film or something)

on the walk home from getting some chow with the "film crew",. i ran into the hopp's & ended up hanging out with them for the rest of the evening. i hadn't seen them in months. we watched some reno 911 & caught up on what's been goin on. kimberly talked politics while sean & i talked more about philosophy & zen. a damn good night.

back to work on sunday & david (my boss) actually said that i need the time off & it was too bad i didn't take my trip. he suggested i go somewhere where no one knows me & just enjoy myself sometime after this weekend, which is Halsted Market Days, our biggest weekend of the year.
it was nice to hear that he wants me to take the time off & enjoy myself. i feel like I've been workin so damn much.

This coming weekend is a big one with market days, danna moving to town, and having to take care of crystal's dogs while she is out of town (her poor willie caught up with a car over the weekend while they were in michigan & managed to get a nice gash on his side, the poor thing. now maybe he won't attack cars anymore though.)
anyway...that's enough for now.
danialle should be postng pics from the movie shoot. i'll link when they are up.