Thursday, September 30, 2004


it's interesting how many different thoughts & feelings i am going through right now.
anger has left me. understanding seems to be emerging.
disappointment is still there, but manageable.
I feel that i simply want everyone involved to find their true paths, to find happiness. we've been stuck in this pattern for two and a half years & it's been torture on all three of us. I've come to realize that i am lucky in the fact that i've been able to somewhat escape it during the times when patty & i were not seeing each other.
i cannot even imagine what the tension is like in that home now. i wish i could bring them peace. instead, i created my first real enemy.i created disharmony. all i can do is hope that maybe it sparks some great changes in their lives that will lead them both to an understanding of what they really need.
I'm trying to figure that out for myself too.
i only hope that happiness enters both of their lives.
it would be great to someday have a wonderful friendship with patty again. maybe it'll happen, there's no tellin.
but for now i let go.
it's the most loving thing i can do.
i cannot hold onto hard feelings. they just are not for me.
i let them blow away like leaves in the wind.
i do not ignore them, i simply recognize them, understand them, and release.
flowing is always so much easier than fighting.
I'm amazed at what wells up from inside when i flow. i surprise myself.
i did not expect to feel this centered this quickly.
but i have had practice.
it's time to concentrate on taking care of myself. of taking the steps with my body, with my mind & spirit that i have always intended.
to find a kind of discipline.
number one thing: meditation.
I may actually post the different steps i go through & the techniques i learn.
anyone who feels like playing along should! :)
peace to all of ya.

moving forward

So, through all of the feelings I've been going through over the last week, i did still retain a little bit of motivation.
there's a new song in progress & I've made the move to my new webserver.
some pics & stuff on this blog may need links reset, so pardon any temporary problems...
I will be posting a very large selection of my musical stylings past & present, hopefully with both streaming & download mp3 links.
I'll also be posting my entire collection of chem/contrail pics from last year (there are over 10,000 pictures).
there's a lot of work & updating to do to get it all together.
I'll post the various stages as they come.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

delusion can birth insight

being disappointed in the person you love the most sucks.
delusion is dangerous. it can be harsh & leads to many problems.
at least i now know that it is not I that is using delusion.
how can someone say the most amazing & loving things one day & simply act as if i misunderstood them a few days later? delusion. pure and simple.
the creation of a reality that does not actually exist in order to prop up a current way of being that is screaming for attention & needing healed.
It would have been easy for me to have become selfish within the situation, but i refrained. i let her take the lead this time. i let her express what she was feeling without leading her. i was astounded at what i heard. i was hearing things that i had expressed to her & always hoped to hear in return.
now i bet she wouldn't even admit to saying them.
i don't understand that way of being. it's so unhealthy. it's cruel. it's disrespectful.
the thing is, i will always love her with my whole heart. beyond her problems, she is the most amazing woman I've ever met. no matter what the situation, I'll always be there for her when she's in need. It's obvious to me now that i must let go of the thought of being with her though.
she's referred to me as a kind of teacher to her, & if our paths shall cross again, i can only hope that i can be wise enough to be aware of who & how I should be.
I guess ten years of age difference does matter. sometimes i forget that i have ten more years of emotional development.
i just wish this would all end peacefully.
unfortunately, I'm not in control of that, so i attempt to flow.
if you read this patricia, know that i forgive you.
I'm sorry that you had to do things the way you did.
you are capable of so much more than that. if only you would recognize it.
we woulda made a great team, we coulda changed the world.
maybe another lifetime, maybe another place.

now i am flung into a new path, new possibilities.
how i give that form is my own choice.
all i know is that I intend to continue on my path of love, compassion & empathy.(but don't take my kindness for weakness!)
i may not have my teammate, but i can still change the world.
i change people. i always will. i don't intend to, it just happens.
those who wish to come close beware, your life will forever be changed. but know that there's no intent or direction, i simply love to reveal to people their own beauty.
i say this from experience, there is no ego involved. i could care less about that.
I simply want to spread the truth.
i look back & think about how my smart ass self of my mid twenties decided that i wanted to show christians what it meant to REALLY follow Christ's example, but to do it without being a "christian". It is not about following doctrine or deity. it is about following example. don't preach love, be love; don't preach judgementalism, be compassionate & understanding.
don't pretend to be holy when you cause so much suffering! be awake! be aware!
know what seeds you sow. know which things you nurture to grow.
therein lies the key.
the key is to realize that we get to decide in our every action.
it lies just as powerfully in our ability to practice non-compliance.

namaste to all of my readers, to all of my friends.

i know i got a little overly personal on this one, but transparency is something that is important to me. i don't want to have anything to hide.
i think if we all shared the things that really matter, maybe we'd all start to drop our insecurities & realize we are all struggling for the same things.
it's not like we've all had the best examples in our lives. Sure there are good examples here & there, but for the most part, we sure have created an unhappy reality. why we continue to do so when we can simply change it all i do not know.
it's time for more dreamers to awaken. we've got some playing to do.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004


i feel so drained right now. so many things happening.
possibilities arisen yet still awaiting flight...
I helped Crystal load up her moving truck on Saturday evening & my legs are still hurting. It's going to be tough having my everyday person living so far away. i'm glad that there are cheap long distance rates these days.
I feel so disoriented right now.
I need time off from work & have been told i can take it whenever i want but have no $ to do anything.
it seems to me that taking the time off & just staying at home would be worse than working while in this state of mind & emotion.
i really wish i could go on that camping trip but it's a bit difficult to do without a vehicle.
already the blustery days of autumn are moving in, leaves falling, debris swirling, waking up to a cool room in the morning & not wanting to get out from under the nice cozy covers...
I know i can't complain too much about life, it's been pretty damn good to me.
I've definitely chosen some trying paths over the last few years, but only because i feel so deeply about them. I'm not exactly one to back away from challenges unless I think they are a waste of my time.
then again, i do have somewhat of a fear of success which i am trying to move through.
I have to say that patty helps me with this in ways no one ever has. I've never felt so inspired by another. she makes me feel like everything & anything is possible. matter of fact, we make each other feel that way. THAT is one of the most precious gifts that I've been givin in this life. i can't imagine having to give it up. that would be the biggest challenge I've faced yet.
I hope i do not have to face that one.
so now i try to nurture my patience & keep peace of mind & heart as i await. hoping that all of the promises that have been given will be kept.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

a beautiful evening

what a night!
sweet p and i had a wonderful talk about many many things.
all I'm gonna say about that is that I am a very very happy & lucky man.
there's a lot of work ahead, but all worth it.
I met up with her at UIC when she got out of class at 5. interesting being on campus again. i lived there my first 2 years in chicago (1989-91).
we walked over to taylor st. and got some awesome thai food at Thai Bowl & sat outside & talked. afterwards, we checked out Millenium Park, which neither of us had been to yet. it was awesome to see those towers with the water & faces at night. so beautiful & surreal. it's refreshing to experience public art that is somewhat interactive.
we also ended up walking over to the lakefront & up to Navy Pier.
all in all, it was simply an amazing night that I'll never forget.
i want to write a lot more about it all, but I'm not sure if that's the best route at this point, so I'll leave it at that.
it's just wonderful to finally be able to feel absolutely sure about something & know you aren't the only one.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

on a good note...

me friend sean gave one of the best reviews/descriptions of my Hotti Biscotti music set yet:
"that new cd is niiice! very wet and funky. sounds like an orb remix of
bootsy jamming with mouse on mars. or something like that.
i've been playing it for everybody. "
thank you so much for being so kind!
considering the orb & MOM have both made albums that i find essential & inspiring (the Orb's "Orbus Terrarum" & Mouse on Mars' "Niun Niggung") this is a very high compliment. asd we all know Bootsy knows how to shake it!

one more time round we go

once again I become entangled.
i just can't seem to help it.
going into this phase of seeing sweet p again has really thrown me for a loop, matter of fact,SHE threw me for a loop!
I sit back & attempt to stay aloof, to not get entangled, but, well, some things in life just can't seem to be helped.
I don't know what it is about that girl, but I'll love her eternally.
once again options for the future have come up & once again she has stepped back.
the difference this time around is that she's NOT stepping back from expressing what she is feeling towrds me.
this is a very good, yet difficult thing.
This has been one of the most trying friendships/relationships that can be imagined and it feels so damn inescapable.
many of my friends think I'm crazy for keeping this up, but only those that have felt the pull of unconditional love & the feeling that you've met the one you want to spend your life with can really understand.
tonight we get together to talk about it all.
I'm scared, I'm anxious, and i'm not really sure what the hell I'm going to say & do.
I'm just going to trust in her, life & myself.

I've felt a new calling over the last couple of months. a readiness to move out of contemplation & into action.
33 years of gestation are coming to fruition.
one of the most confusing things about the transition is surrendering to the path that life is giving me.
many here in the west believe in taking it all by the reigns & trying to control everything.
I simply want to flow, to bring beauty into the world, and to short circuit the "matrix" that is keeping us all from expressing our true selves.
sometimes i feel as if i was born to serve the world.
the difficult wthing is discovering how.
well, i think I'm just going to be myself & that will naturally bring about the ways in which i naturally contribute.

so many things in the world right now make me want to weep.
a little solitude & peace would be so nice right now, or simply to be wrapped in the arms of a special someone....
but alas, i make due with what is at hand.
i am reminded of hesse's siddhartha: "I can think, I can wait, and i can fast."

i just feel that i've been waiting for so damn long....

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

something to piss off the artists

here's a link to the big mouthed freakazoid that is osho/aka bagwan shree rajneesh spouting off about what he thinks about art.
I'm currently reading the story of his communes & all of the freaky shit that went on with him & his followers.
what a strange thing. too much to describe right now.
he definitely had the mind control thing down though.
hard to believe after all tht happened with his whole thing that some people still consider him an enlightened being.
I definitely think he may have been close, but there were some shortcomings there that i don't think can really exist in a truly enlightened being.
His books on Zen, Buddha, Bodhidarma, and meditaion are great.
i also read a book of his on discipleship & it started cool & got really freaky.
he's definitely someone who loved to puch people's buttons.
if he would have had even an ounce of compassion, he would have been a great man.


check this out
just heard about it on that crazy GBN radio network while waiting for alex jone's show. sometimes those freaky protectionists can dig up some good shit. thank god someone is keepin an eye out.
the best part is when this guy who made the page (who had phoned into the show) told about how when he walked up close to one & was checking it out in detail, within minutes he was surrounded by 5 squad cars.wish the page was as informative as he was on the radio show...
when i find more info, I'll be sure to post it.

Illinois, what the f*%K

ok, so, i've been working on patience , compassion & understanding quite a lot over the last decade (maybe this lifetime if there are multiple).
sometimes's it's really difficult.
especially when one can look around & see so many things happening that people outright REFUSE to understand the implications of.
I've felt for quite some time (say 5 years)that Chicago, and the state of Illinois are going to be one of the main proving grounds of the way this country & the "New World Order" are going to be run. There is a pretty balanced mix of conservatives & liberals with the majority of the state geographically being repub. & the chicagoland area being primarily demo.
also, it's the center of transportation on this continent with O'Hare Airport being located in Chicago.
(for a small glimpse of the impact o'hare & air travel in general has on the environment & how our skies have been stolen, see my chemtrail/contrail gallery & links section in the right column of this page.)

here are a few of the latest examples of Illinois in action!
- the big Blag wants drink manufacturors & promotions boards to bid to become the "official state drink". yikes.
can you say whorish activities?
the state is not supposed to be a corporate sponsored entity. i think that's one of the defining factors of fascism.
the same is being done in Chicago with the School system ( i purposely do NOT refer to it as an educational system because it does not teach, it indoctrinates. they are PROGRAMMING CENTERS)
the public school system may be almost completely replaced by a Charter school system.
so, i guess we can look forward to more disney schools, etc....

-big brother is creepin thru the streets in Chi-town. first it was at intersections to catch people running red lights, then it's on high crime corners, then expanded further, and now they are proposing cameras on the street sweepers so that they can "catch parking violators".
_oh yeah...can't forget the gestapo & dogs on the EL at the Merch. Mart site to make sure that there can't be any train bombing of the loop! guess what's inside the "mote" is going to start becoming a fortress?
i can see it now, a walled financial & professional district with access only to those with the proper ID.
sure it sounds like sci-fi, but look around ya.
you are probably promoting it in your own life right now.
if you use a CTA blue card you are.
if you don't use cash and are a debit card junkie, you are.
BTW, what happens if there is a massive power outage or weather catastrophe of some kind? you can't buy anything electronically if there's no damn power.
and how about your cell phone tracking device? or that on -star in your car...
there's a heavy price to pay for convenience & a cyborg lifestyle (can you exist without your electronic toys?)
people have the right to do whatever they want. they better just realize that "there ain't no such thing as a free lunch".

ok enough ranting about that crap.

now i'll rant about ATC>
well, what can i say? I was disappointed with the majority of the art i saw there, just like i always am.
I'll admit that i can be pretty frikkin demanding. i want to see people challenge themselves. most of the crap i saw was sophmoric, meaningless or shallow, and there seems to be an aesthetic of hastyness surging thru the community,- as if to make something beautiful is a waste of time & whatever is done should be done quickly & almost angrily.
i find it interesting how many artists are narrowly themed in their work too. i understand doing series & studies, etc. i guess i just like to branch out.
i mean, i feel the same way about music. why should an album all sound the same? i know i certainly have more than one mood or emotion, and i certainly think that should be reflected in the art & music.
this makes me think of a point that gets talked about in art school, etc.
the whole notion of "Real" art possessing & being invested with a part of yourself.
for some reason, when people create shallow or seamingly meaningless artwork, some artists & critics who must think very highly of themselves believe that this is not real art or that the artist is not investing in their work, that it's not an outward projection of their inner self.
I have to strongly disagree with this.
If someone created work that seams devoid of meaning, that is most definitely a reflection of what is going on inside of them. maybe they don't feel safe to let things out. maybe they don't have to have all of that bullshit artist angst to create (i certainly don't). not everything is born of misery, ya know.
maybe art therapy classes should be requires for all artists. they should at least read kandinsky's "Concerning the Spiritual In Art" which i actually would recommend for anyone to read.
Heck everything everyone does is a clue to their inner workings.
we all develop at our own rates & we should be building communities that nurture this individuality & create supportive environments for people to open up & simply be themselves.
there was some really amazing work at ATC too.
I think next year I'll probably show again.
alright, enough babblin for now...

Sunday, September 12, 2004


went to Around the Coyote this weekend. more on that when i've got time to write.
for now, here's the painting i started last night after going.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

sweet days & nights

Well, over the lasts week I've been bad about posting.
I've actually been getting out of the house!
I'm almost gonna have to break this down day by day to catch up.
let's see...
I think I left off last Thursday....
On Thursday night, Mitch, Casey,Adam (dude)& Donna, & Mike all headed over to Martyr's for the Rockabilly night. don't ask me what it's called cus hell if i know.
What i do know is that it is bizarre to see all of those peeps dressed to the hilt. pomps,hornrim glasses, stylee geetars & double basses. there were like 20 bands and it was pretty damn cool. I guess I'm always a little amuzed at "retro" shit. i really don't get it to tell ya the truth, but what do you expect from someone that has futurist tendencies?
I saw Crystal there & afterward we got some diner food.
all in all a pretty damn good time.
took friday off from socializing & did stuff around the house.
nothing exciting that i can think of from that day.
Saturday night I went over to Patricia's place(s),met up with her at the old apartment & then headed over to the new one.
thank the divine that we can finally hang out again.
i missed her so much when we didn't see each other.
We talked all kindsa good stuff (as always) and i brought home the bass that i'm buying from her.
spent the rest of the night listening to music & smilin & dancin around the apartment like i usually do after seein her. (wonder if she knows that...hmmm...well, she just might now! ha!)

On Sunday I worked & then headed up to Casey's for his & Christine's BBQ.
I was there from about 4:30 till almost midnight.
I think i drank more beer that night than i had in months. the food was good, as was the company.
There was a bluegrass band that showed up after their gig over at the Metropolis Coffee Shop (i don't know what they are called...maybe Tumbleweeds?)
and they played for a few hours in the back yard.
perfect music for a backyard BBQ!

It was great to see Mitch who i hadn't seen in a long long time.
also good to see casey who i hadn't seen in a few months.
Now they are both en route to key west (probably already arrived actually).

This weekend is Around the Coyote & i think Derek & I are going to go check it out.
Next Wednesday I'm meeting up with Patricia down at the UIC campus, where i lived the first two years i was in chicago.
it should be a bit nostalgic & fun. I haven't been down there in years.

I've basically been feeling really wonderful & slightly tweaked lately.
It seems like so many things are happening at once.
glad I was getting all into zen right as this stuff came on!
it's really helping me remain calm & balanced.

I can't wait to see what's just around the corner....hmmmmm


almost forgot to mention...
i got out the easle a couple of days ago & have spent hours hunting for my oil paints which i have yet to find. doh!
so, i broke down & started painting with acrylics on a wood panel last night.
first time painting in over a year.
i'd almost forgotten what it feels like.
interesting how inspirational it can be to have aome people in your life.
i consider this move sparked by seeing mitch (who got me to start painting originally), the return of patricia, and around the coyote being this weekend.
can't wait to see how inspired i am by ATC, both by the good & the bad art.
anyway....enough for now...ciao!

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

frontline: the merchants of cool | PBS

this is how "globocorp" values the future -a report on the creators & marketers of popular culture for teenagers. by the one & only douglas rushkoff.
6 streaming segments. watch them all !
much more to post when i have time to write. it was a heck of a week & weekend!

Thursday, September 02, 2004

more surprises

so, i get home yesterday to hear a message from my main man mitch who is in town from key west & stayin over at my friend casey's. they're getting ready to move casey down to key west too. lucky dog.
i wouldn't mind a little island life for awhile.
so i headed on over to c's place & we hung out all night playing cards & laughin our asses off.
tonight i think we're all headin over to Martyr's for some kinda shit.
i don't care who's playin, it's just good to hang out with some guys that i actually enjoy bein around. and hell, since mitch lives so far away, i rarely get to see him.
He's been a bro in quite a few adventures, be they traveling (albuquerque & the NM desert & mountains), musical mayhem (wait till i change servers & get the whole archives up for streaming, then you can experience the true madness!), and heck, he's even the one that got me started painting (i was always more into illustration/dry art forms before that).
anyway... it's great to get to see him.

the good ol'boys over at groove distribution have added yet another of my current favorite listening pleasures to their listening post.
it's the underground broken beat "supergroup" dkd with the long awaited "future rage" album. check it out here

one thing I've discovered is that GrooveDis's "retail prices" are usually inflated by 4 or five bucks over Dusty Groove, which seems to be a little more reasonable in prices, but if ya just have to have it right when it comes out or if it's impossible to find, groove dis is the place.

here's a little more insight into the Gonkyburg scene that i mentioned in my last post.
and here's a little on Quant

better get to work...

Wednesday, September 01, 2004


so, i've come to discover that i have a natural knack for pranayamic breathing.
for those not familiar, it is a type of breathing in which you alternate your nostrils for each breath.
here's an interesting page on different techniques that does not describe the traditional alternating style
and here is a link to a laura lee interview with john pilch talking about pranyama in biblical texts
I'm actually able to control my nostrils without using my finger. pretty interesting experience.
i've gotta say that it's a great breathing technique to help calm down but invigorate at the same time. supposedly using the alternating sides helps connect the left & right hemispheres of the brain.

on another note...
i can't get enough of the new Quant album
Matter of fact, I'm loving the whole Gonkyburg scene these days. Can't wait to get Jonatan Backelie's Ernesto's Album.

I've gotten back to walking everyday. I'd been takin it a little easier this summer. dunno why, but i did. think i put on a few pounds because of it too. oh well.

got a surprise call from sweet p. last night. I'm tellin ya, this life is all about challenge & discovery for me. and i love it all. some people dread drama, but if there's no depth to your experiences, there can't really be too much depth of anything else can there? i dunno.
I've spent the majority of my life as a witness. I've been on there on many occasions to pull people back from the brink of disaster when they've needed it & been close enough to their experiences that i haven't had to go thru them myself.
I'm amazed at what I've bourne witness to.
anyway, i'm finally feeling the push towards my own experiences, to play a more active roll, not be so "safe" as it were.
it'll be interesting to see how my current outlook affects all of the current goings on.
I'm definitely feeling quite excited about it all though, ya know?