Wednesday, September 29, 2004

delusion can birth insight

being disappointed in the person you love the most sucks.
delusion is dangerous. it can be harsh & leads to many problems.
at least i now know that it is not I that is using delusion.
how can someone say the most amazing & loving things one day & simply act as if i misunderstood them a few days later? delusion. pure and simple.
the creation of a reality that does not actually exist in order to prop up a current way of being that is screaming for attention & needing healed.
It would have been easy for me to have become selfish within the situation, but i refrained. i let her take the lead this time. i let her express what she was feeling without leading her. i was astounded at what i heard. i was hearing things that i had expressed to her & always hoped to hear in return.
now i bet she wouldn't even admit to saying them.
i don't understand that way of being. it's so unhealthy. it's cruel. it's disrespectful.
the thing is, i will always love her with my whole heart. beyond her problems, she is the most amazing woman I've ever met. no matter what the situation, I'll always be there for her when she's in need. It's obvious to me now that i must let go of the thought of being with her though.
she's referred to me as a kind of teacher to her, & if our paths shall cross again, i can only hope that i can be wise enough to be aware of who & how I should be.
I guess ten years of age difference does matter. sometimes i forget that i have ten more years of emotional development.
i just wish this would all end peacefully.
unfortunately, I'm not in control of that, so i attempt to flow.
if you read this patricia, know that i forgive you.
I'm sorry that you had to do things the way you did.
you are capable of so much more than that. if only you would recognize it.
we woulda made a great team, we coulda changed the world.
maybe another lifetime, maybe another place.

now i am flung into a new path, new possibilities.
how i give that form is my own choice.
all i know is that I intend to continue on my path of love, compassion & empathy.(but don't take my kindness for weakness!)
i may not have my teammate, but i can still change the world.
i change people. i always will. i don't intend to, it just happens.
those who wish to come close beware, your life will forever be changed. but know that there's no intent or direction, i simply love to reveal to people their own beauty.
i say this from experience, there is no ego involved. i could care less about that.
I simply want to spread the truth.
i look back & think about how my smart ass self of my mid twenties decided that i wanted to show christians what it meant to REALLY follow Christ's example, but to do it without being a "christian". It is not about following doctrine or deity. it is about following example. don't preach love, be love; don't preach judgementalism, be compassionate & understanding.
don't pretend to be holy when you cause so much suffering! be awake! be aware!
know what seeds you sow. know which things you nurture to grow.
therein lies the key.
the key is to realize that we get to decide in our every action.
it lies just as powerfully in our ability to practice non-compliance.

namaste to all of my readers, to all of my friends.

i know i got a little overly personal on this one, but transparency is something that is important to me. i don't want to have anything to hide.
i think if we all shared the things that really matter, maybe we'd all start to drop our insecurities & realize we are all struggling for the same things.
it's not like we've all had the best examples in our lives. Sure there are good examples here & there, but for the most part, we sure have created an unhappy reality. why we continue to do so when we can simply change it all i do not know.
it's time for more dreamers to awaken. we've got some playing to do.

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