Thursday, September 30, 2004

growth

it's interesting how many different thoughts & feelings i am going through right now.
anger has left me. understanding seems to be emerging.
disappointment is still there, but manageable.
I feel that i simply want everyone involved to find their true paths, to find happiness. we've been stuck in this pattern for two and a half years & it's been torture on all three of us. I've come to realize that i am lucky in the fact that i've been able to somewhat escape it during the times when patty & i were not seeing each other.
i cannot even imagine what the tension is like in that home now. i wish i could bring them peace. instead, i created my first real enemy.i created disharmony. all i can do is hope that maybe it sparks some great changes in their lives that will lead them both to an understanding of what they really need.
I'm trying to figure that out for myself too.
i only hope that happiness enters both of their lives.
it would be great to someday have a wonderful friendship with patty again. maybe it'll happen, there's no tellin.
but for now i let go.
it's the most loving thing i can do.
i cannot hold onto hard feelings. they just are not for me.
i let them blow away like leaves in the wind.
i do not ignore them, i simply recognize them, understand them, and release.
flowing is always so much easier than fighting.
I'm amazed at what wells up from inside when i flow. i surprise myself.
i did not expect to feel this centered this quickly.
but i have had practice.
it's time to concentrate on taking care of myself. of taking the steps with my body, with my mind & spirit that i have always intended.
to find a kind of discipline.
number one thing: meditation.
I may actually post the different steps i go through & the techniques i learn.
anyone who feels like playing along should! :)
peace to all of ya.

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