Wednesday, September 22, 2004

one more time round we go

sigh...
once again I become entangled.
i just can't seem to help it.
going into this phase of seeing sweet p again has really thrown me for a loop, matter of fact,SHE threw me for a loop!
I sit back & attempt to stay aloof, to not get entangled, but, well, some things in life just can't seem to be helped.
I don't know what it is about that girl, but I'll love her eternally.
once again options for the future have come up & once again she has stepped back.
the difference this time around is that she's NOT stepping back from expressing what she is feeling towrds me.
this is a very good, yet difficult thing.
This has been one of the most trying friendships/relationships that can be imagined and it feels so damn inescapable.
many of my friends think I'm crazy for keeping this up, but only those that have felt the pull of unconditional love & the feeling that you've met the one you want to spend your life with can really understand.
tonight we get together to talk about it all.
I'm scared, I'm anxious, and i'm not really sure what the hell I'm going to say & do.
I'm just going to trust in her, life & myself.

I've felt a new calling over the last couple of months. a readiness to move out of contemplation & into action.
33 years of gestation are coming to fruition.
one of the most confusing things about the transition is surrendering to the path that life is giving me.
many here in the west believe in taking it all by the reigns & trying to control everything.
I simply want to flow, to bring beauty into the world, and to short circuit the "matrix" that is keeping us all from expressing our true selves.
sometimes i feel as if i was born to serve the world.
the difficult wthing is discovering how.
well, i think I'm just going to be myself & that will naturally bring about the ways in which i naturally contribute.

so many things in the world right now make me want to weep.
a little solitude & peace would be so nice right now, or simply to be wrapped in the arms of a special someone....
but alas, i make due with what is at hand.
i am reminded of hesse's siddhartha: "I can think, I can wait, and i can fast."

i just feel that i've been waiting for so damn long....

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