Sunday, October 31, 2004

makin up for friday five

well well, since kitten is bringin back her friday five, i'm gonna follow suit even though it's already sunday!
heck, i'll make it my sunday six! ;^)
her questions plus one extra of my own...

1. Do you celebrate Halloween?
not any more than any other day i guess. kinda disappointing since i'd probably love dressin up.

2. Scariest movie you've ever seen:
scary movies never really scare me. hmmm....
i was extremely disturbed by both The Serpent & the Rainbow & Jacob's Ladder when i first saw them

3. Did you carve a pumpkin this year?
No carvin this year, although i am growing hard gourds in my garden which will get carved into marvelous works of art when they cure. last time i careved pumpkins was probably back in about '97 or '98

4. Best costume you've ever worn or seen:
The best i wore was a blue elephant suit in kindergarten.
that i've seen, well, i was entertained last week when on the WGN morning news two of them were at the Fantasy Super Store or whatever it's called & one was dressed up as "super sperm" and the other was a box of facial tissue that said "blow me".

5. Trick.. or treat?
giving or getting? the trickster is great, but the treats are better.

6.What do you do with that extra hour you get when the clocks "fall back"?
sleep. but while i'm resetting the clocks, i always think about how it's the perfect moment for people to reflect on the fact that time & all of those things we use to coordinate & organize our lives are our own creations, and we can really change them whenever we want.

a little fresh air

Well, the trip downstate was good & tiring.
i didn't get much sleep.
headed down on the amtrak on friday morning & spent the day with my friend Tracy & met her kids & some of her friends.
tracy, her friend Laurie (or lori or howver she spells it, i don't know) ended up doin a little bar hopping in Lincoln that night. It was a good time.
It felt nice to be out in the country when i was out at tracy's home in Hartsburg.
just to see so much sky & so few buildings.

on Saturday I went past my family's old house & went out to the park that i'd always run around in in my youth. so many old, old trees out there.
spent some time hanging out with my dad, had lunch wiht him & some of his friends & then on the drive back stopped off at my mom's in bloomington & had dinner there.

even though i got an extra hour of sleep last night, i'm still exhausted.
i'm definitely gonna hit the hay early tonight.

i had a lot of realizations over the weekend that i'm not sure are even expressable, but i definitely discovered that integration is happening in me. my spirituality & beliefs are not merely abstractions.

not wanting to be at work today, but what can ya do?

Thursday, October 28, 2004

on the road again

this weekend I'm heading down to my home town Lincoln,IL.
gonna see my dad, my old friend tracy, and my mom too.
not only that, but I'll be coming back driving the family's old caravan.
almost 200,000 miles & still going. I really need to take care of some projects I've been wanting to do: bookshelves, make a new 'puter desk, a turntable & mixer table...
i want to turn this home into the vision that i've had for it for quite some time.
organic shapes, curves, just like my art.
havin the minivan shure will help with getting supplies & stuff. and maybe since i now have a vehicle to haul stuff, maybe I'll try to start playin out more. get that music thing goin...
I'll take pictures of my trip.
yeah, even after lambasting the lens in my last post!
as long as it's just a momentary thing, it's a great way to share , ain't it?
i love looking at pictures, envisioning the stories behing the photos.
did you know?:
from what i've read about subtle energies, kirlian photography & such, there is a huge difference between digital & chemical photography. i mean beyond the obvious differences.
at some point most of us have heard about how so called "primitive people" are afraid of cameras & believe that by taking your picture that you are stealing their spirit or soul.
did you know that in a way, they are right?
supposedly, chromatic/ chemical/ analog/traditional, whatever ya want to call it photography captures the subtle energy of the subject matter. that is, the energy pattern is translated onto the photo paper by the sunlight -it basically imprints itself onto the light, just as multiple wave patterns combine to form complex waveforms, as in a sound wave.
since there is an actual analog contact of the energies without any translation other than the lens, there is a direct connection between subject (the photographed) and object (the photo paper & emulsion).
with digital, there is no direct contact. the light is converted into code, into linearly structured information. it is a facsimile of the subject, nothing more.
so, if you were some spell caster or whatever, someone unbalanced enough to think you need to manipulate someone through spell, through ritual, a traditional photo would hold the actual essence of the individual, while a print of a digital pic would not.
ok , so that's kinda strange info, but i think it's interesting.
and hey, this blog IS called absurd notions, right? ;^)

I'm starting to really enjoy this writing thing. I better start writing a book or these entries are gonna get longer & longer.
maybe I'll even participate in that blogger blog your novel thing that's goin on.
wonder what kind of crazy crap I'd write...
something for me to chew on for the weekend.
on that note, hope y'all have a great weekend & tune in next week for the start of my next drama...

meme theme

There used to be that wonderful friday five list that would let us give a little maybe not so important but rather insightful nuggets of ourselves.
well, kitten has posted a little list of her current state of things & I'll ingest the meme & filter it in my own way here.
so here's my list:

Current state of things

Wearing: thrift store jeans that are reaching their last days but looking more & more like designer jeans that idiots pay unthinking amounts for (and i payed $2.50!), my highly worn Orb -Orbus Terrarum tour shirt with the glowing crescent moons that magically spell out orb using negative space. a great shirt for the halloween season! my indigo gravis rivals on my feet and my wool pendleton poorboy on my head (see pic at right)

Drinking: water. can't get enough.

Upset that: I ruined what could have been the best friendship i'd ever have. sorry patricia. it would have been an amazing friendship! it's gonna be hard to find anyone to match the resonance we'd get going when talking about life. (but i know the world will supply!)

Luxuriating in: the knowledge that all of this will pass & new & wonderful experiences await.

Reading: Just finished Cat's Cradle (thanks kitten!)by Vonnegut and also The Discipline of Trancendence by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh. Currently reading The Book of the Secrets vol 1. by Bhagwan (osho)which is about the tantric method -actually 112 of them (and no it is not all about sex! tantra is about seeking enlightenment thru experience rather than as a thoughtform. it deals with experiential reality rather than abstract reality)

Learning: How much i still have to learn & unlearn about much damage i can unmeaningfully do to others in the process of fertilizing their becoming.

Downloading: Cosmic Waves

Wanting: Peace, rest, love. a way of earning a living that is saturated with the spiritual essence that i wish to live by.

Listening to:the sound of a fan blowing cool air on me & laura lee interviewing Jame's O'Dea

damn, i sure am getting mystical these days...

a lot is occuring right now, including closure with patricia. i finally heard from her & yes, we are going our separate ways. difficult, but probably necessary,especially for her, and i care about her well being & happiness.
i'm finding that i could write a whole damn book based on all of the realizations this experience has brought me and continues to bring.
i hate goodbyes, but sometime, one must simply let go. there is no choice.
besides, it does not matter in the grand scheme of things. allthere is is the moment, the right now. we hope for tomorrow, we remember the past, and all but the present is completely abstract. it isn't real. our memories are not objective & neither are our wishes. One does not know a shared experience more intimately or correctly than the other. it is all translation, it is all fleeting, and it is all different tomorrow than it was today. bhagwan presents a great metaphor in this regard, it is an old metaphor, not his, but this does not matter...and here i will extrapolate & make it my own...
you go to a river & you put your feet in, when you pull them out & put them in again, is it the same river? is there even a river as a thing, or is there just the riverness? you cannot touch the same water twice. it is impossible, even when you are in the motion of putting your foot in the water, as it passes through, there is always newness, new water, never the same.not even for a moment can the motion of the river be captured - the river is not a thing, it is a flowing, a verb, a state of movement. in this same way, we experience life, yet we go on pretending that this is not so, that the you i experience today is the same as the you i experienced a moment ago, a day ago, a lifetime ago. this is why we are so obsessed with pictures, with documenting, with capturing still moments. because deep down we know that this understanding of reality is not true. all is ever changing, so we obsessively latch on to an attempt to give concreteness to the single moment. to capture it, to solidify it as if this somehow makes it more real, more genuine then the actual experience itself! this is completely absurd! how can one think that the representation of the experience is more real than the actual experience? how can one think that the very thought, the memories are more real than the experience? all of these are merely shadows cast by the light of the living being, the experience as it exists withing the flow of the river of life.
do not get me wrong. i am not against the lens. i am not against pictures. they are wonderful symbols that we can use to share and remindd. to trigger the memories we have of those experiences. but some people just et so caught up in the act of documenting their experiences that one must wonder if the experience is actually more one of documentation. which of the aspects of the experience becomes the dominant?
which is more beautiful, a tree or a painting of that tree? it MUST be the tree. the tree is complete in and of itself, it does not need the observer to have its beauty. the beauty is inherent in its very being. the painting is just a notion, an observation, howver beautiful, but it is not the tree & it is only possible through an interpretation, thru the seeing of the artist. it is not even really a representation of the tree, but is a picture of the artist, as is all art.
do not get these things confused. in a time of media saturation this is very difficult, but we must remain aware.
every time we put a lense between ourselves and our experience, we extinguish a little bit of the beauty of the moment in order to replace it with a memory. What would happen if all of a sudden we all became completely present & just absorbed the entirety of our experiences?
be present. realize that the way in which we are having to document everything is converting the world. we are turning the world into a museum, into a lifeless paid for experience. the more we put between ourselves & our experiences, the more we mediate them, the less authentic we become - the more we become sleepwalkers - the more we lose our ability to see.
we should be attempting to wake up from the dream.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Eminem's New Video Highlights 9/11, Illuminati

now, i'm no big fan of eminem, but his new vid. is pretty damn powerful.
it's a collaboration with GNN (Guerilla News Network) and has a whole lotta imagery in it.
if they'd only showed that kerry isn't as different as we all wanna believe...Skull & bones skull & bones!check out the vid on alex jone's prison planet site.
here's the link.
it takes a while to download (took me about five minutes on dsl) but very worth it.

The "War on Terror" as Defined by 1984's Emmanuel Goldstein

Why is it that no matter how many writers present stories & metaphors in order to help us see, so many still remain blind?
In this case, Orwell once again shows his insightfulness.
here's the link. text links go to news items that are examples of the idea in action.
The "War on Terror" as Defined by 1984's Emmanuel Goldstein

Sunday, October 24, 2004

academics shmakademics

Well, I went to the Humanities Open House at the University of Chicago on Saturday.
it was ok, but i was a little disappointed.
maybe i expect too much.
but then again, there's always a tendency towards overspecialization in academics.
I have to say that Hyde Park is beautiful.
It was my first trip down there. I'm definitely going to have to go exploring down there.
Stacie went with and attended different lectures than i did. during the lunch break me took a little walk around the neighborhood & found a nice small "world bazaar" store with all types of beads, drums, etc. very cool. gotta go back there.

I also talked to tracy, an old flame of mine from high school this weekend. we had some wonderful conversations. it's always interesting how years can go by yet connections still remain. I hadn't seen her in over a decade & a few years ago when my brother Daniel died, there she was at my parents doorstep offering her support.
I'm amazed by some of the wonderful things she says to me. It's great to be reminded that I leave people with the feelings i do. i must be doing something right in this life! thank god(dess)!
hope i keep being that.

to back up to friday...i walked over & checked out the Rockwell Beans & Bagels.
it's a beautiful little place. I saw Lucia who i hadn't seen in months, and brought Jodi some grape tomatoes & music. sat & had a sandwich & finished "The Discipline of Trancendence" by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh which consisted on multiple transcripts of his talks on the Diamond Sutra of Buddha and various questions from his sanyasi.

didn't really feel like coming back to work today, but so be it. gotta pay the bills!
more thoughts on the open house lectures when i get time to really sit down & write out my thoughts.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

finding center

over the last few days i've been developing a voice, a storytellers voice.
i find myself talking to the air about things, about enlightenment, about awareness, about finding an authentic self.
i feel as if i am overflowing,that i can no longer contain that which has been filling me. i want to share, to show, to maybe bring some awareness, to wake up some dreamers, to wake up myself.
i look inwards at ways i have been on my journey, choices I've made, how i have participated, or not participated. how i have let fear rule my actions, and how i have let reality flow.
always the inner fighting. why? why sometimes listen to that inner felling , that thing which happens & is beyond words. sometimes it happens when you look deep into another's eyes. a feeling can be there, as if you've known this being before.
but then, maybe you are remembering that you are yet to discover them. I'm not convinced that time is linear - before , after - maybe it is all at once - multidimensional. maybe that past life is just you in another realm at the same time as you are right now,how can you know?
i'm not so sure that we build an understanding over time as much as we clear away our unknowing, our blindness to what has always been there.our unwillingness to see. all we've needed to do is learn to see, learn to feel.learn to be authentic, to be ourselves & see through our own eyes rather than those given to us as our predecessors felt the need to pass on their own programming, errors & all.
go deeper, take the next step.
an example: i was listening to a man, Thomas Moore, talk about contradiction and oneness. about accepting the now, the as you are, yet even though he promoted the acceptance of contradiction, he could not make the smallest steps. he could not understand zen. he even said that the yin yang was not about balance, for if it was, it would have a straight line & not a curved one. he could not recognize the motion represented, the dance of creation, the true balance that only exists as a living existence. only through a static state can a straight line be drawn. only through death, through the discontinuation of change, of being, of life itself.straight lines are a part of crystalization, where else do they really exist? that is the only place in nature you will find them, and even there, if you look close, the illusion of the straight line may be microscopic, but eventually, the line falls apart.
another thing he could not understand is how time could be contradictory. he believes that time is cyclical , circular. this is all fine, yet he then states that some people believe it must then be spiral because it must be going somewhere, must inlude the dynamic of the linear.
he says an emphatic no.
he could not make the next step, he could not envision that maybe this spiral itself is forming a circle, a tube torus, like a donut. or maybe this spiral is then forming another, and then another, and then another. how can one say that they know the true form of the infinite? that they can definitively say that time is a circle? this is absurd.
Maybe it is due to his original programming as a Catholic, and as a part of western society. Some westerners simply cannot make the leap that is needed to understand eastern ideas. westerners like to pretend at moving past their linearity, their need for duality, but if you look close, it is almost always still must be. it is inescapable uless one finds true awareness, and even then, it can be elusive.
I have come to a kind of understanding about this in the unfolding of my knowing of osho/bhagwan shree rhajneesh & all that happened with him & his communes. Here was a man that presented many wonderful things, yet always kept responsibility in the hands of the individual. this did not work well in the ashram/commune setting, where certain individuals seemed to have created what they desired at the expense of others.
All throughout osho/ bhagwan's talks/books (which are merely transcripts of talks) he repeatedly presents this idea of not following, of not leading, of simply presenting & helping one to see what is already there. in this way, his name osho is correct where as bhagwan is not. for he uses the techniques of the zen master. it is not a technique of is a way of bringing awareness, of shaking foundations, of waking up the dreamer.he does not have the compassion of a boddhisatva.
he is not interested in bringing comfort, in making things easier. he is solely interested in your awareness.
this can be very dangerous. from what i am starting to understand about what happened, it seems that as westerners flocked to him, they wanted to follow, to be led.actually, i don't think it was JUST the westerners, but that they were even more out of balance than others. they brought with them all of the issues which had been controlling them, and expressed them on each other & themselves. they looked at osho as the one to make decisions for them, when he was in fact testing them, seeing if they had the courage to find their own lessons in his words.
in one sense, this relieved osho of responsibility for the happenings in his ashram, in another, it was the ultimate lesson, for even he fell victim to the addiction of followers, of defining himself by that which surrounded him while pretending that this was not the case. delusion can even come to one considered an enlightened master. the truth is that every single being in the ashram was resposible for what occurred, for we are all the masters of our own lives, we simply have to make the steps to recognize it & actualize it.
this is the most important lesson. as long as you are in the flesh, you are still fallible. you are human, and this is perfectly right, otherwise, you would not have been born. you have been given a gift. a chance to discover the potential that exists in all things. the absolute beauty. the miracle of all that is.
true enlightenment does not come in this world, only when one is ready to step into the next.
while we are here, all we can do is wake up.
find awareness & you will find life. you will find god. everywhere.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

rest easy

What an uneventful weekend. I slept a lot.
i painted my front windows with watercolors.
watched a few movies & cleaned house a little.
i liked the sleeping part. the earlier sunset is really messing with me. it happens so quickly.
next weekend I'm going to the Humanities Open House at the University of Chicago.
I'll be attending lectures on "The Rhetoric of Rhetoric","How Does Culture Outrun Biology?", and "The Eucharistic "We" and the Triumph of the Chiastic".
I'm really looking forward to it.
I saw Jodie over at Beans & Bagels yesterday for the first time in months. It was very good to see her. Ever feel like there's a connection from past lives with someone that you've met but still don't really know that well? That's how i feel about her. I keep meeting more & more people that i connect on this level with.

Picked the last of the grape tomatoes. still need to get out there & grab the thai chilis.
Whitey (who comes & collects the game money at work & i talk gardening & such with) brought me a bunch of tomatoes from his garden today, mostly green.
gonna weigh down that backpack a bit for the walk home.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

timeline link / my strange past

an interesting page about world history timelines - focusing on turning points.: I haven't read thru it yet. I found it while doing a search for "Michael Zadok" which is the name of a comic character i created in high school called "The Saint". it was during my weird christian phase. I created a whole team a la x-men that battled the anti-christ. the saint wielded the flaming sword of st. michael.
the anti-christ figure was called killjoy.
i actually won an honorary mention in an art comtest for a big scene that i drew of one of the battles. i think the drawing is extremely mediocre, so they must not have had many entries ;^).
I never really wrote any stories for the characters, cus the phase passed pretty quickly and i lost interest.
so yeah, there's a little strange nugget of my past for ya.

inner/outer travels

I'd like to thank toda_V for this wonderful quote that he sent my way (along with many others that he's been sending recently from his "kabbalahconcepts" yahoo group)
it's always interesting to me how inefficient western civilization is at obtaining that which it seeks. we have this habit of taking the longest & most expensive path...
anyway, on to the quote

"Our most important journeys are Inner ones. There is no use visiting every
place in this world physically if we do not take our minds with us.
Furthermore, our minds are capable of travel experience quite apart from our
bodies. An imaginative invalid with well developed faculties for inner
exploration travels far more widely and to better purpose than someone who
covers thousands of miles each week thinking of nothing except commercial
cares of material concerns. Apart from survival necessities, the best
reasons for bodily travel are to provide the mind with more opportunities
for excursions into Inner Dimensions, thus becoming more experienced and
knowledgeable entities. Yet by itself travel is only moving our bodies
around so that sense impressions via our brains supply our minds with
unfamiliar stimulit to which we react on deeper than average levels. It is
the newness of the stimuli which evokes responses from us causing expansive
or other changes in our Inner Cosmoi. If we took the time and trouble to
learn the art of Inner travel along this Path, we could explore quite new
Inner territory and areas of existence which would provide us with
sufficient spiritual stimuli to enlarge ourselves enormously. Why do we not
travel inside ourselves more often? We might go to the ends of the earth and
come back with nothing worth having, yet journey inside ourselves for less
than half an hour and return with the keys of a whole new life."

- William G. Gray (The Talking Tree)

Saturday, October 09, 2004

weekend travel

well, I'm in St. Peter's Missouri this weekend at my sis Diana's. took the train down to bloomington IL to my ma's & then we drove from there. so, yesterday was a day full of travel & waiting. not bad though. I've gotta say that I've definitely been mastering the art of patience. it's so rare that I'm ever bored these days! i could sit with nothing to do for hours & not feel boredom creeping in.
i'd like to think that this is a sign of being at home in myself, of not needing to fill time with frivolous things in order to not BE with myself.
I had a blast playing with my nieces Mariah & Olivia last night. they are so goofy, imaginative & loving.
Had strange dreams last night too, the strangest being seeing a photo of patty holding a child with pete's head on it. ha! funny & disturbing at the same time.

It's strange being in suburban st. louis. i don't know how anyone can live in suburbs. too much traffic, too many big corporate things. it makes me feel very lucky & blessed to have access on a daily basis to so many alternatives.
I'll post more about the trip when i return sunday night. hopefully with pics too.
i'm sure that there are a few of me lookin a little crazy while playin with mariah.
ciao for now!

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

catching up.

I know I haven't been very consistent with my postings lately.
this one'll be a little long...
I just haven't felt like sitting at the computer & typing.
so...where to start?
Last thursday I watched the prez debate over at Kitten & TheMan's place.
we went out afterwards for a drink & a few ours of great conversation.
a) the debate: I still think they are both bad news.
I just don't like 'em.
Here's the main philosophical difference i found:
the Bush syndicate's way of seeing the world is static. to seek a path that is forward, full speed, with no attention payed to anything but the abstract goal that is at the supposed end of such a path.
stay the course. lie if you need to to keep morale high. the abstract idea is all that is important it is what is to be worshipped at all cost, especially the cost of the majority of people who do not hold the majority of the wealth.
the Kerry Cabal's vision seems to be more rooted in flexibility, to grok, to utilize the feedback loop & analyze the effects of actions & adjust the response & action accordingly. It is the recognition of the fluidity of life & death. It surprised me to hear this. I would also say that Kerry has a more global view, which is as dangerous as it is visionary.
i can see some global government stuff being birthed under his watch.
mucho big brothero with either one.
When Bush made a quip about Yale I would have loved to have seen a big ass Jolly Roger drop down behind those two Skull & Bones members.
b) the pub!
the conversation was varied & awesome. I seemed to have sparked a little interest in the astrology stuff in Kitten.
I said a few somewhat onnery things about Leo's, but hey, if you'd seen what I'd seen...
I've had a lot of Leo's in my life. a girlfriend in high school, stacie, who i lived with for all of my late twenties & am better friends than ever with now, margaret, my friend & landlady, the former manager at work that i shared an office with for three years, and I'm sure there are a few more out there too.
I love 'em but man can they be a handful!
anyway, to tell a bit more about why birthchart info, etc. just might have some validity:
think of the universe as a big dish, a satellite dish. it's going to pick up your "signal" as you become manifest in the material world. (yep. that means that the moment of conception may be just as important as the moment of birth, but that's another area of thought altogether)
the dish is the universe, so everything on it is in constant motion, dancing around each other, pushing & pulling each other as they swing through their spiral orbits (there is no such thing as an eliptical orbit as the object which is being orbited around is also in motion/ in orbit around another body, so the movements never, ever, trace the same path.)
each pattern, each moment in spacetime manifests a different pattern on the dish. this is the "descrambler". it is what your signal is filtered through as it enters your body & life in the material world. different magnetic fields, subtle energy fields,morphic fields, fields of all kinds discovered & yet to be discovered all influence the way in which you manifest.
in that way, the sun sign is dominant as sol is the closest high energy emergence point. I'd even suggest that the hearts of suns are the gateways between dimensions of reality, but then, i watch too much Stargate SG1. ha!
it's interesting stuff & i've been very surprised at how accurate astrology can be, not as a predictor, but as a great tool to help one understand other people & how to deal with them. sometimes it sure makes certain people make a lot more sense!

we talked about all kindsa stuff, but this post is gettin long as is.

I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind & it was great. I had to stop waatching it about 3/4 the way thru & just let myself release with all that has been happening lately. it felt wonderful to let the tears come. i then went over to the computer & wrote the words that I'd been waiting to come to me & sent them off to patty.
it felt good to express it, & i have such a deeper understanding of all of it.
It's amazing how the situations that arise in my life due to that girl always change me, always teach me.
hence the deep connection. we've got a great feedback loop when we let it flow.
I'm gonna miss it.

It's gettin cold out these days so I've gotta be harvesting the last of the goodies from the garden.
there are thai chili peppers, more grape tomatoes, carrots, black beans & the pole beans, and the hard squash are gettin big!
wonder what I'll make with them...
next year i think i wanna put up a trellise & do it right.

oh yeah, i also added my e-mail addy to my profile if there happen to be any readers out there that wanna say hello.