Wednesday, October 20, 2004

finding center

over the last few days i've been developing a voice, a storytellers voice.
i find myself talking to the air about things, about enlightenment, about awareness, about finding an authentic self.
i feel as if i am overflowing,that i can no longer contain that which has been filling me. i want to share, to show, to maybe bring some awareness, to wake up some dreamers, to wake up myself.
i look inwards at ways i have been on my journey, choices I've made, how i have participated, or not participated. how i have let fear rule my actions, and how i have let reality flow.
always the inner fighting. why? why sometimes listen to that inner felling , that thing which happens & is beyond words. sometimes it happens when you look deep into another's eyes. a feeling can be there, as if you've known this being before.
but then, maybe you are remembering that you are yet to discover them. I'm not convinced that time is linear - before , after - maybe it is all at once - multidimensional. maybe that past life is just you in another realm at the same time as you are right now,how can you know?
i'm not so sure that we build an understanding over time as much as we clear away our unknowing, our blindness to what has always been there.our unwillingness to see. all we've needed to do is learn to see, learn to feel.learn to be authentic, to be ourselves & see through our own eyes rather than those given to us as our predecessors felt the need to pass on their own programming, errors & all.
go deeper, take the next step.
an example: i was listening to a man, Thomas Moore, talk about contradiction and oneness. about accepting the now, the as you are, yet even though he promoted the acceptance of contradiction, he could not make the smallest steps. he could not understand zen. he even said that the yin yang was not about balance, for if it was, it would have a straight line & not a curved one. he could not recognize the motion represented, the dance of creation, the true balance that only exists as a living existence. only through a static state can a straight line be drawn. only through death, through the discontinuation of change, of being, of life itself.straight lines are a part of crystalization, where else do they really exist? that is the only place in nature you will find them, and even there, if you look close, the illusion of the straight line disappears.it may be microscopic, but eventually, the line falls apart.
another thing he could not understand is how time could be contradictory. he believes that time is cyclical , circular. this is all fine, yet he then states that some people believe it must then be spiral because it must be going somewhere, must inlude the dynamic of the linear.
he says an emphatic no.
he could not make the next step, he could not envision that maybe this spiral itself is forming a circle, a tube torus, like a donut. or maybe this spiral is then forming another, and then another, and then another. how can one say that they know the true form of the infinite? that they can definitively say that time is a circle? this is absurd.
Maybe it is due to his original programming as a Catholic, and as a part of western society. Some westerners simply cannot make the leap that is needed to understand eastern ideas. westerners like to pretend at moving past their linearity, their need for duality, but if you look close, it is almost always still there.it must be. it is inescapable uless one finds true awareness, and even then, it can be elusive.
I have come to a kind of understanding about this in the unfolding of my knowing of osho/bhagwan shree rhajneesh & all that happened with him & his communes. Here was a man that presented many wonderful things, yet always kept responsibility in the hands of the individual. this did not work well in the ashram/commune setting, where certain individuals seemed to have created what they desired at the expense of others.
All throughout osho/ bhagwan's talks/books (which are merely transcripts of talks) he repeatedly presents this idea of not following, of not leading, of simply presenting & helping one to see what is already there. in this way, his name osho is correct where as bhagwan is not. for he uses the techniques of the zen master. it is not a technique of truth.it is a way of bringing awareness, of shaking foundations, of waking up the dreamer.he does not have the compassion of a boddhisatva.
he is not interested in bringing comfort, in making things easier. he is solely interested in your awareness.
this can be very dangerous. from what i am starting to understand about what happened, it seems that as westerners flocked to him, they wanted to follow, to be led.actually, i don't think it was JUST the westerners, but that they were even more out of balance than others. they brought with them all of the issues which had been controlling them, and expressed them on each other & themselves. they looked at osho as the one to make decisions for them, when he was in fact testing them, seeing if they had the courage to find their own lessons in his words.
in one sense, this relieved osho of responsibility for the happenings in his ashram, in another, it was the ultimate lesson, for even he fell victim to the addiction of followers, of defining himself by that which surrounded him while pretending that this was not the case. delusion can even come to one considered an enlightened master. the truth is that every single being in the ashram was resposible for what occurred, for we are all the masters of our own lives, we simply have to make the steps to recognize it & actualize it.
this is the most important lesson. as long as you are in the flesh, you are still fallible. you are human, and this is perfectly right, otherwise, you would not have been born. you have been given a gift. a chance to discover the potential that exists in all things. the absolute beauty. the miracle of all that is.
true enlightenment does not come in this world, only when one is ready to step into the next.
while we are here, all we can do is wake up.
find awareness & you will find life. you will find god. everywhere.

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