Sunday, November 28, 2004


well, i'm still fighting a head/chest cold.
just can't quite get rid of it.
i'm gettin tired of coughing!'s a new painting I'm working on.
it's a long way from finished.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Lagavulin fueled scribblings

well, I finally went to Sonotheque for the first time last night & had a blast. I drank a little too much scotch (still felt it this morning!) but managed to scribble 5 napkins worth of notes on heirarchies (transcribed below), met some nice peeps, got to say hey to jeremy ellis (gotta love the intimacy of clubs), dance a little dance, and catch my lovely friend/landlady Margaret vaccuuming half naked at 2:30 in the morning with her inner front door ajar.
what a night! :^)
i just wish i would have drank a little less and had a cdr to give to mr. ellis.
oh well.'s what i wrote on those napkins...

napkin 1
-the 4 sided base/ five sided pyramid: defined top & bottom. all points do not touch sphere surrounding it.(in pyramid heirarchy based on this form) As one moves upward choices narrow. bottom supports top, carries burden/weight. is this even found in nature?possible crystal elements? the heart of pyramid heirarchies.
-tetrahedron, equal sides. no definite top or bottom. all sides, surfaces, angles are EQUAL. points are nodes which connect with spphere surrounding and represent connection points rather than determining or controlling points. basic building block of Platonic / Sacred Geometry. the heart of NESTED heirarchies. 4 paths to perimeter. 4 directions.
- 4 sided (square)base pyramid, symbol of slavery. symbol of dominator (per Eisler) or Taker (per Quinn) society an culture. Wherever you see this, there will be an undemocratic,violent,contrl oriented culture based on exploitation and control of information, opportunity, metaphors. Dogmatic beliefs. Controlling, patriarchal religions. predominately male although they convice women to be empowered not thru balancing the male aspect with the female, but thru becoming like the male.
napkin 2
-tetrahedron: 4 sides, no base. all points touch sphere. all points equal distance from center. no one point is dominant. top point is relative. can be built infinitely outward w/all connections being equal. in nested heirarchy one moves OUTWARDS, or expands. as one moves to the next outer step, they encompass the previous, hence, expansion of possibilities, experiences, etc.
A living, ever flowing, always adapting structure that can fit whatever form is needed. does not concentrate on exploitation but rather depends on integration and connection. "wider circle of influence". relies on differentiation, non centralization. the equality of tetrahedron (straight line or "male" energy) and sphere (curved, or "feminine" energy) is indicative of an equality, partnership (per Eisler) or Leaver (per Quinn) society or culture. Less focus on individual, more focus what individual differentiation adds to whole, while still acknowledging and celebrating diversity/individuality.
napkin 3
-nested heirarchies, tetrahedrons, will be representative of pluralistic, liberty based societies which have beliefs focusing on non-absolutes. think zen or taoism, animism, pantheism. oneness thru multiplicity. Equally male /female, yin/yang, etc. etc.
based on expansion of consciousness. reincarnation and multiple lives common.
less emphasis on ego as main definition. does not see ego as enemy, but as tool, technique to use to discover the "new" or the "novel" (novel as defined by McKenna)
the Move from the 4 sided, square base pyramid heirarchy to the tetrahedron/sphere/nested heirarchy is the MAIN and most important element in the move towards an egalitarian and liberty based culture.
one CANNOT have equality within the structure of the 4sb pyramid. it is IMPOSSIBLE!
It is inherent to their structure that they create inequality and domination. This is exactly why they are NOT found thru-out nature. they are not...
napkin 4
...evolutionarily viable. Anything that does not promote diversity/ multiplicity is NOT harmonious with nature/evolution, which promotes SYMBIOSIS above all else.
survival of the fittest does not exist except WITHIN symbiotic relationships.
Freedom comes only through surrender. Not surrender to authority, but rather thru surrender to the infinite, realizing that we MUST still remember to celebrate our individuality. we are each simply one of the infinite expressions of the creative force (whatever that may be). thru each of our individual contributions -"what we do best & enjoy doing"- we contribute to the whole that makes up our shared reality/culture. It is the recognition of the strength of differentiation that brings synergy, peace/ an expandsive environment. It leads to high culture in the arts, science and all other aspects of culture with EQUAL emphasis on all aspects. It celebrates the "Novel" rather than destroying it. integrates & asks "why?"
napkin 5
it probes deeper, searches for real, authentic answers. it is authentic. It does not differentiate between what is alowed & what is not. It accepts the Oneness of all instead of relying on Duality as a method of control. There is no "good" or "bad" in anested heirarchy. rather it is based on "what works". that which does not work is looked upon as a learning experience. mistakes are NOT frowned upon, but are considered a natural part of the learning process. Supportive relationships are more common than judgemental ones. Compassion rules. understanding and acceptance are key. one can still criticize, but it is in the mindset of further & deeper understanding af both the criticizer & the criticized. judgement (the mindset of "I'm right, you're wrong") does not apply. th mindset of "how many differing views and opinions" is more in tune with this way of being.
This is liberty, freedom, community, acceptance, and it can become a deep love.

wow, that was a lot to try to read off of napkins. and written while intoxicatd no less! so pardon grammatical errors, etc, as it was just notes :) i had sloppy little pics of the differing pyramids & spheres too.
Eisler refers to Rianne Eisler, Quinn to Daniel Quinn, and McKenna to Terrence McKenna.


well, interesting that i wrote all that i did about death the other day, as my mother's brother, my uncle, passed on that evening after dealing with multiple problems over the last couple of years.
i don't really have much to say about it right now. I may wite more later about it.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

head cold insanity

I've been working thru a bad head cold the last few days & this morning i think my tension exploded in an unexpected place.
I spent last night gettin really frustrated as i kept getting the hiccups during my coughing spells & the simple fact that i could not breathe.
matter of fact, i've felt a lot of anger the last few days. a lot of misanthropy.
why? heck, look around. i think the thing that got me started last week was this commercial for a show called "In search of David's heart" or something like that where the main female character yells out "i lost my brother & no one knows how that feels!".
well abig reality checking fuck you to you girly. you ain't the first person on the earth to lose a loved one & to turn something like that into an ego trip is complete bullshit. now, i understand, in those situations we react in those ways sometimes. but this speaks to the unhealthy relationship our culture has not only with death, but with life.
now, mind you, this opinion is not coming from someone who does not know. I lost my 16 year old brother in a car accident a few years ago. i know what it is like to lose a sibling. but that is life! that's how it all works! why do people pretend that it should be some other way? it is your belief that makes it such a suffering.
so anyway, this girl in the show supposedly goes off in search of the person who got david's donated heart. I'm sorry, but this is absurd. it is unhealthy.
why is it that we feel the need to do such things? why can we not simply accept?
yeah, i miss my brother, but i do not suffer at all about it. why? because it does not matter! He had the gift of life, now he's gone. one day i'll be gone, you will be gone, we all will. but are we? do we go? does it matter? we create these belief systems in order to temper our suffering, yet there exist relationships with death throughout the world that do not even bring suffering into the equation.
i think it wiser to seek a relationship with death that allows one to live.
we all seem to be so preoccupied with death. not necessarily on a concious level, but all of our fears go right back to it. It brings impatience, intollerance, greediness, and a whole slew of other negative emotions & thought patterns.
th majority of us in the west especially do not have a healthy relationship with either life or death. it's why we are so torn, so at each others throats.
so many people feel the need to be so right about everything because they are afraid that they might be wrong. so many defence mechanisms, all leading back to that fear of death.
"i have to do something meaningful before i die", "i have to leave my mark", these are not thoughts of an enlightened individual but rather defense mechanisms of the ego. it is this fear of losing our sense of self that tends to rule so many of us.
but what is "self"? do you really know? I'm not sure if i do. am i my mind? am i my body? am i beyond both? maybe all of these are true. we just don't know. we cannot know except through experience.
One thing that really tends to bother me is the way in which people feel the need to believe in so many absolutes.
an example: this morning in beans & bagels, the woman in front of me in line commented on a little news clipping that they have up that talks about a teacher in florida that does not want evolution taught in her classroom because she finds it offensive. yes, she happens to be a creationist. yeas , she is closed minded & a programmed individual. but here's the thing: this woman & one of the employees acted as if she was insane & they were not, while i'm more thatn sure froim the exchange that they believe that evolution should be taught without any questions. so what did i do? in my feverish state, i got overwhelmed & exploded on them saying that evolution is nothing but a theory. it is NOT proven. there is no missing link, or rather, the link is missing. not only that, but that anyone who believes that there are only 2 versions of where we come from, creationism or evolution are downright stupid. anyone that is that simple minded has no right to decide what anyone should be taught. I mentioned the fact that there are OTHER takes on where we came from too, not just those two. the one thing that i ws trying to get across that i did not say directly is that they are no different than the christian woman. they simply believe that their theory is more right than hers. they do not want to be inclusive, they want their own type of exclusivity. this is not being interested in truth. this is pure dogmatism. i also pointed out that science is a religion in which all equations have an unknown variable in which there is FAITH that the variable will at some FUTURE TIME be known. not only that, but peer review is it's own form of a priestly caste. all answers in science lead to more questions which eventually lead to the unknown. to believe that it is not faith is to be very very deluded.
anyway, as you can read, i'm still a little bit in a tempermental feverish state, so i'm gonna stop writing now.
i hope this wasn't all a bunch of bs.
i don't think so, but then, who ever said that i had a clue as to the nature of reality?
anyway, as far as where we came from goes, what does it even fuckin matter? your here now, so why not be in the present? knowing where we came from is nothing but a mindgame. it does not matter. all that matters is how we create our reality NOW, in the eternal present moment. remember, past & future are only abstract. they no longer or are yet to exist. any thoughts about them by definition MUST be subjective. so choose your metaphors wisely, because they color your present.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

osho on alexander the (not so) great

One has to wonder whether or not this part of Alexander's life is in the new movie. I certainly am NOT going to go see such glorification of barbaric egotistical violence to find out, so someone who does see it let me know...
the following is taken from Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh's Book of the Secrets Vol.2(pgs 158-160):

Alexander was coming to India, and he met a great saint - Diogenes. Diogenes was one of the most penetrating minds ever born. He lived like Mahavir. He is the Mahavir of Greek civilization and culture. He left everything, renounced everything - not because through renouncing things he was going to get anything: that is not real renouncing, not authentic renunciation. If you renounce something to get something, that is a bargain. If you think that you are going to have some reservation in heaven and that is why you renounce, it is not renunciation. If you renounce the bodily pleasures to have spiritual pleasures, this is not renunciation.
Diogenes renounced everything - not because out of it he was going to get something: he renounced just to see if when he has nothing, whether there is any meaning or not. He thought that if one possesses nothing, if even then one has meaning, a purpose, a destiny, then death cannot annihilate anything because death can annihilate only possessions - and the body is also a possession. He left everything. He had only one thing: a wooden bowl out of which to drink water. He thought this is not much of a possession. Then one day he saw a child drinking water from his hands. He immediately threw the bowl. He said," If a child can drink water with his hands, am I more weak than a child?"
When Alexander was coming to India to win, to make the world empire, somebody informed him that just on the way, where he would be stopping, there lived a great sage who was just contrary to him. He was told, "You are to make a world empire, and he has even thrown away his bowl because he says that as he is happy without it, why carry this burden. And you say that unless the whole world becomes your empire, you cannot be happy. So he is just at the opposite pole, and it would be good if you meet him."
Alexander was fascinated. It happens that the opposite always fascinates. The opposite always fascinates; it has a deep sexual attraction. Just as man is attracted to woman or woman is attracted to man, there is the same attraction with the opposite. Alexander could not by-pass Diogenes. It was not good for him to go to Diogenes, and it was impossible that Diogenes would come to him. There was no end.
Diogenes was informed. Many. many messengers came to inform him that "The Great Alexander is passing this way. It would be good if you meet him." He said," The Great Alexander? Who has said this to you! I think he himself. So tell your Great Alexander that he has nothing to give to me, and there is no need for him to meet me - and I am a very small man." He used to say, " Really, I am a dog, not a man at all - just a dog, so there is no need. It is below his dignity to meet this dog."
Then Alexander had to come. Diogenes is reported to have said, "I hear you are going to win the whole world, so I thought, I closed my eyes & thought, Okay! If I have won the whole world, then what?" It is reported that Alexander, after hearing this, became very sad. "Then what?" he said to Diogenes. "Do not talk such things. You make me very sad."
Diogenes said,"But you will become very sad when you win the whole world. What can I do? I am just imagining, and I have come to conclude that this is useless. You are after a suicidal effort. You yourself are trying to win the whole world, so then what? If you succeed, 'then what?'"
Alexander returned from Diogenes very disturbed, upset,sad. He said to his companions, "This man is very dangerous. He has shattered my dreams." And he could never forgive Diogenes. The day he died, he remembered him again, and he said, "It may be that fellow was right. 'Then what?'"

Monday, November 22, 2004

down time

not feelin too hot today.
hope it's not the flu coming on just in time for turkey day travel plans.
Saturday i had breakfast with Crystal & tarina at Svea in Andersonville.
a great Swedish breakfast.
the conversation was great & so was the food.
came home afterwards & saw crystal off as she headed back down south.

i spent the rest of the day painting & watched A Day Without A Mexican
it was alright. not as good as i'd hoped for though.

not much else to tell right now.
more when i'm interesting again ;^)

Saturday, November 20, 2004

oh yeah!

well, i beat Ratchet & Clank 3 on Thursday night. the boss battle waws something else! only took my a couple of tries though.
Now it's time to work thru it another time in challenge mode. tougher & capable of upping all weapons & health even more.

also, i'm getting ready to post a bunch of records for sale on ebay.
I'll make a webpage with pics of everything & let y'all know before i post so you can browse thru & see if there's anything ya want.

I've been spending a lot of time painting again.
also working through book ideas.
more later...

Thursday, November 18, 2004

AYRO & John Arnold LIVE - I'm in heaven!

Just found out last night that a couple of my favorite musical artists of this year are coming to Sonotheque the night after Thanksgiving! YAY!
it'll be a night of futuristic detroit funk & soul.
find out details here
check out more info &some of their tunes here:
Ayro(Jeremy Ellis): album listening post - live in NYC
John Arnold

anyone wanna go?

the cracked pot

Mr. Maples (aka:toda_V) has become very dependable when it comes to forwarding great little insightful emails from over there at postDawn Nurseries.
once again we must thank him for sending this little gem...

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole
which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while
the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot
arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the
woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the
perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was
ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of
what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the
woman one day by the stream: "Old Woman, I am ashamed of myself, because
this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your
The woman smiled and replied, "Cracked Pot, did you notice that there are
flowers on your side of the path, but not on Perfect Pot's side? I have
always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the
path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."
"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate
the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this
beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each
have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You just have to take each person for what they are and look for the good in
To all of my crackpot friends, have a great day, and remember to smell the

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

ethical holiday shopping

here's a nice article on the use of sweatshop labor in the garment industry.
last night's Frontline was about how Wal-mart does business.
i STRONGLY suggest watching it if you see that it's going to be on your local PBS station again, or check it out online.
next week's episode covers the culture of credit cards.
I have to say that i am simply amazed at the recent Frontline specials.
it's wonderful to see some in depth coverage of such important issues.
also wonderful is the fact that they have created a great feedback & interaction system to go along with the shows.
matter of fact, they have ALL of their shows viewable online here
maybe i should be putting a link to them in my sidebar....

also, remember that the day after Thanksgiving is International Buy Nothing Day.
Participate by NOT participating.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004


Such an interesting mood i've been in the last few days.
Having crystal around is very nice :) last night we watched some Bill Hicks. (thank you foys!)and laughed our asses off.

On sunday, i was pleasantly surprised to see dana at beans & bagels. she used to work there & has been in Belgrade for over a year now & headed back there sunday too.
only got a couple of minutes to talk, which was unfortunate as i'd love to hear about her experience there, but what can ya do? especially when everyone is wanting to say hello to her :) maybe i'll get to hear about it when she's back in another year.

I've felt very out of myself over the last 2 days. aloof, happy in a strangely giddy kind of way. feels like something's comin on..something's starting to happen.
maybe i'm finally putting some motion into my vision! actually moving forward with plans. now that is a nice thought.

painting, music, musings...
I think i'm finally starting to lighten up a bit on myself.
it's about frikkin time.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

organizing & uncluttering the self

well, cleanin up my apartment felt wonderful. still a little bit left to do, but what has been done already makes me feel so much better. it even motivated me to paint last night. It was the first time in over a year since I'd used my oil paints (water solvable) and I'd forgotten how much of a joy they are to use.
I actually returned to working on a painting that i hadn't touched in a year & a half.
I'm always amazed at how my skills develop when i'm not actually painting. It's as if i do the mental work & then when i finally get back to the canvas, it just comes naturally. maybe due to the freshness. whatever it is, i love it!

I had a brief moment of lucid dreaming last night. wish i could tell about it, but it would not be prudent ;^) .I just wish i would not have awoken from it!
those moments in dreams that come back with us, the ones that we can remember the tactile sensations from as if it had actually happened..damn, ya just gotta love 'em.
i want more of that! that's the kinda stuff that makes one question what's real & what is imagined and does it even really matter which is which?

Lookin forward to goin over to the foy's for an early turkey day dinner.
then, later this evening Crystal gets in town to stay for the week. It will be great to see her.
to much to do before then, so off i go...

Saturday, November 13, 2004

i don't like goodbyes

It's true...i don't really believe in them. Goodbyes feel so absolutist. considering i don't really buy into absolutes, it's difficult for me to deal with goodbyes.
I say this because i finally sent the big email to patricia and got a response right away. it was good, it was insightful, but it also leaves me wanting to continue the conversation.
She's the first person EVER in my life to tell me that she needs to not see me again. A tough pill to swallow. especially coming from someone that i love so deeply. But she needs something for herself right now that does not include me & that's ok.
the thing is, now that this process is being gone thru, at least on my part, i realize how helpful I could be to her process as well. I don't think she could handle it, she's not yet "wired" for it. but as i've come to recognize what is/has been going on, i've come to understand how much of a "teacher" role i have been playing & was not concious of. now that i recognize it, i feel as if i could actually be effective & have a wonderful interaction in that way with her. There's been discussion about finding what we need within ourselves. this is so true. but we cannot expect to discover our own tools only thru trial & error.
yes, we can find them in that way, but there is a reason why teachers, mentors, gurus, and leaders of all sorts have always been around. we ALL learn from outside of ourselves as much as we do from inside. It's simply a matter of recognizng what is authentically our own & what comes from without. We can take these techniques that we obtain thru learning from others who have walked similar paths and transmute them into our own, apply them in a manner that is true to ourselves.
It is a wonderful feeling to find inspiration wherever one can be in another person, in a tree, in the sky, even in bad art!
We get so caught up in trying to come up with all of the answers ourselves that we forget that the self is really just a barrier, that everything "out there" is just as much a part of us as everything inside is. All of our thoughts and interpretations of the world are reflections of our selves. So when we find inspiration fom outside, it is not really from anything separate from ourselves. we need to remember that the connection exists, that we are all here to share individual experiences & add to the collective being that is "the tao" or "god" or "the collective unconcious" or whatever you feel you are comfortable calling it.
I feel myself ever so more pulled into the path of the teacher. every day a little bit more. Not teacher in the sense that most in the west know. More in the sense of the guru. and yes, i did say that.
Most people do not understand what guru means.
one of the best goofy little ways to understand is to think of it like this: a guru is someone who reminds you- "gee, you are you". it is not about instilling knowledge in a dogmatic sense.
maieutic (definition - in context) teaching seems as if it is the most effective method.
It is the art of letting the answers come from within the student, letting them answer their own questions & guiding them to their own truths.
This is a selfless way of teaching & in that respect is very much in resonance with the art of zen, although the zen master can be a bit more forceful in technique, using the methods of catching one offguard in order to bring wakefullness, to bring the student into the present.
anyway, my point is that I continually find myself wanting to give, to help, to guide people to their own truths and towards the path of wakefulness & awareness.
It seems like we are living in a world of zombies these days.
so much unawareness, ignorance, and narrow mindedness.
the thing is, many don't like to be woken from their slumber, so this type of teacher is not always welcome. this type of teaching brings real change, not merely coping skills for modern civilization.
I'd go on some more, but i need to clean the apartment, a chore put off for a little bit too long.
a clean apartment sure does help to clear the mind & heart.

Thursday, November 11, 2004


last night i went over to the foy's & watched "How's Your News?" definitely check that one out. we watched the political convention special.
ate some sweet ass Chili made by Danialle, later on had coffee, over at the Grind, a newer coffee shop in Lincoln Square right across from the Davis.
also watched danialle battle it out online playin some halo2. looks pretty cool.
I'll stick with my R&C3 for now though...
i guess the third c could be company, as in spending some time in good company. Jason & Lance were both over too & it was nice to hang out with all of them.
I borrowed a Bill Hicks dvd from Chadd that i'm really looking forward to watching.
probably will check that out tonight.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

frontline: coming soon: the persuaders | PBS

frontline: coming soon: the persuaders | PBS
Douglas Rushkoff is one of the most forward thinking, insightful, & broad minded media & culture critics of our time. this is sure to be every bit as good as his previous special
Merchants of Cool
find out more at the website & if you cannot check it out tonite, it will be online for streaming within a week or two of its original airing.
so, stop playing those video games for an hour and a half & tune in! ;^)

and view the excellent in depth press release about the show here

Green, Leafy Spinach May Soon Power More Than Popeye's Biceps

Green, Leafy Spinach May Soon Power More Than Popeye's Biceps this is symbiosis in action. cyborg action is afoot! look out! ;^)
I know we are all going to be amazed with the new energy concepts that are going to be presenting themselves to the mainstream over the next decade.
times are changing..maybe not as quickly as some might like, but i really think we can be wise enough if we want to be.
just gotta remember that it isn't necessarily the technologies that are detrimental but rather the conciousness which puts them to use.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Chance encounters

So, Sunday was a day full of unexpected things...
first, on my morning stop into Beans & Bagels, I was surprised to see Jodi working at my local location again (if only for the day). That was a very pleasant way to start the day even though neither of us were quite awake enough yet to hold any kind of conversation...So off to work I went.
then between locations from work I see danialle, her sister & chadd going out for breakfast (as mentioned in yesterday's post).
then, on my walk home from work, as I'm walking thru the park next to Stockton just south of the zoo, there's my friend Danna standing next to her car.
she'd had the unfortunate mishap of her exhaust pipe rusting loose from the cat. converter, so she had to pull over. ended up having some Thai food for dinner with her & Erik.
all in all, an unexpected day.
I then went home & played R&C3 for a few hours. I swear, it keeps getting better & better. I can hardly wait to try out the multiplayer mode.
I hope that yesterday was a sign of things to come.
I like happy accidents & chance encounters.
the unexpected is so much more fun!

Sunday, November 07, 2004

a new look, a full title

well, watcha think? i spent more than a few hours tweakin on saturday. still a few minor things to fix -rounded corners mainly.
but i've been wanting to customize this blog for quite awhile.
let me know what you think.
i'm sure that this is just the first of many new incarnations.

it's another beautiful day, and i really need to get out in the garden & dig up & pot the thai chili pepper plants. they are doin so great, even a few small gourds were ready to pick & cure too, while the bigger ones are still on green vines for now. I'll wait till the vines are startin to dry & then I've gotta figure out a good storage place to cure them.

as i was coming out of work up north this morning, i saw kitten & theMan going to Nookies Tree with kitten's sister. they asked me to join them, but unfortunately, i had to come downtown to continue workin.

well, my guilty pleasure is back as Ratchet & Clank 3 : Up Your Arsenal was released last week. it's the first vid game I've ever paid full price for as a new release.
but very VERY worth it. holy crap. each level is better than the last. & this one had multiplayer & online options too. it's going to be worth hours & hours of play.
time to get a network adapter. ;^)

i've been trying to make sure that i don't spend hours on end playing it,so I've been playin in a couple to 4 hour increments. it's just so addictive! and so many mini games! oh joy!

enough already. time to get outside & enjoy some of these last days of semi warm sunny weather before the chicago late fall & winter set in.

Thursday, November 04, 2004

The Abyss of Ignorance

well, since that last post was a little harsh & not too nice to the followers of YHWH, i figured I'd balance it out with some wisdom from a Kabbahlist.
thanks to toda_v once again for the quote:

"Human heads can be hidden in the comfortable clouds of apathy for many
lifetimes. It is so easy to look down upon inferiors, supposing oneself at
the top of the Tree because there seems nothing but obscurity above. If any
feel brave enough to try penetrating that problem, the abyss of ignorance
opens out to engulf them.
Ignorance is probably the worst evil on the whole Tree. In practice, of
course, it applies everywhere, but it is always theoretically in this
position as separating man from the principles of understanding, wisdom,
awareness of highest purpose and, lastly, eternal light. In other words, it
cuts us off from all that is really worth existing for. Like the other evils
ignorance is a deliberate condition. The word means what it says: willful
refusal to learn. It was once said that all humans make the same mistakes,
but those who are wise learn from them, while those who are foolish will not
That is real ignorance.
Why would anyone prefer ignorance to other options? The old, old reason
again - artificial egoic status. Here this works two ways. If we can prevent
others from learning as much as ourselves we can hold them at a disadvantage
and by refusing to recognize anything which might make us seem smaller
our own self-estimations we feel big by contrast. On the principle of 'in a
kingdom of idiots a fool is wise,' whether we accept ignorance in ourselves
from the worst of motives, or encourage it in others to their detriment, it
remains what it is, an evil which divides our entire Tree of Life against
the best interests of us all.
Bearing in mind the nature of ignorance, we should realize it cannot be
countered by mere information, instruction, or so-called education.
Well-educated and informed people may yet choose to adopt a course of
ignorance for covering their particular purposes. The old truism of none
being so blind as those who will not see illustrates the evil of ignorance
quite accurately. In the Tree of Life, this ignorance gap is crossed safely
only by experience directed accurately at our highest possibilities or apex
of awareness. With the Tree of Evil it is either not crossed at all, or for
those relatively few intrepid individuals gaining uncertain footholds on its
other side, the next evil of antipathy greets them gloomily. Antipathy, or
anti-feeling, is a sort of 'Let's hate it first, then see if we can bear it
later,' affair."

- William G. Gray (Exorcising the Tree of Evil)

getting over arrogance

well, from watch I've witnessed over the last few days, I feel inspired.
looks like the left is starting to realize that it's overly secular outlook does not fly in most of the country. i think this is going to open up a much larger discussion about spirituality in politics. notive i did not say RELIGION in politics.
separation of church & state is necessary, but this does not mean that spirituality & faith do not influence our decisions. it should if it is the central part of our lives. i know that there are a lot of secularists that cringe. grow up. stop acting like ignorant atheist communists. your attitude is that of a child. atheism is nothing but a reactionary stance towards dogmatic religion & is as fundamentalist minded as any bible thumping fundamentalist "christian".
in a truly liberty based, democratic society, the only thing truly allowable in the secular world of control is agnosticism. that is, not choosing one way over another but being a pivoting point, a nexus point where all of those things collide & coexist. to be a binder, not a divider.
harsh words? maybe, but your intolerance towards those with faith is intolerable! just like it's opposite. the right & left are , in the vernacular of David Icke, opposames. they support & feed each other.
if you are one of those on the left i am referring to,YOU are the opposition to the right which keeps the pendulum swinging.
you talk about tolerance & accepting diversity, but if that does not match what you INTELLECTUALLY believe, you get pissed off. GROW UP!
get outa your head & get into your heart. have you forgotten how to feel?
have you signed so many petitions that you've forgotten how to take direct action?
i am not speaking to everyone, but those who need to hear this know who they are.

I'm no longer going to temper my attitude. if people don't like it, they can go elsewhere. every other ignorant asshole gets a frikkin cable news show to spew their filth & bile, so it's about time that those of us who see differently & seek real viable solutions speak up & stand up.
no fear. screw the feds & any cultural censorship. those that don't agree with the status quo need to be outlandish, to be bold, but still be understanding. COMPROMISE, SYMBIOSIS!
no hiding. DIALOGUE! getting past rhetoric!getting past dogma. speeding up that feedback loop & learning to listen.
know what i mean?
I really feel that we need to get a good dialoue going in this culture about christianity & it's true history, and the fact that modern christians are not even followers of christ, but of constantine & the mithraic traditions.
christ stood against his vengeful & insecure father. he practiced & taught love & compassion while his father was telling the jews to slaughter innocent people in his name & take their women (rape them)to build a nation. and the best excuse that his followers can come up with to accept this fact is that they were not killing humans, but rather, the nefilim, the hybrid offspring of angels & women.this is how the original tribes of israel gained their "homeland".
nice. karma is a bitch ain't it?
(bet someone will give me hell for that one!)

enough foolishness for today.
ignore what i say & trust your own experience.
ignore what they say & trust your own experience.
ignore what you say & trust your own experience.
move beyond words & you will kiss the divine.

i think my mind is slipping away...
yay! i'm one step closer!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

many lessons to learn

ok, well, i don't have the time to go on & on about all of the thoughts I'm having post -elections, but i'm gonna warn ya that there are some ideas coming that many in the left will not want to face.
I'll be writing quite a bit about them in the future. i need to go a little further with my thoughts first.
here are some teasers:
-the left needs to learn PATIENCE. the majority of America is not yet ready for the type of changes that are starting to sweep our culture. it takes time for these cultural memes to percolate thru the country. trying to force these beliefs on people that are not yet wired for them never works.
the best example is gay marriage.
if it would not have been pushed so forcefully, there would not have been so many states passing legislation to ban it. Once again, those that deserve to have the liberty to be themselves have it quashed because they did not see beyond their pride & self righteousness to see what kind of effects they would be dealing with. Basically, the way in which this meme was attempting to spread, the technique, was not effective. it ended up creating more problems than would have existed if the subject would not have been brought up. I'm not saying it should NOT have been brought up, but that the time was not yet ready. hence, the need for patience, for understanding & working with instead of against those that one sees as enemies.
as long as that polarisation is a part of the self definition of ANY group, this problem will persist due to the violent nature of the discourse.
now, realize that i am saying this while being the only straight employee in a gay owned & operated business. I believe in ANYONE'S right to express their connection with others. I also think the need to have that recognized by the state is juvenile & creates a relationship with the state as parental figure. truly childish.
on the same token, there should be equal legal rights to any type of domestic coupling. or even grouping for that manner. if there is a group of people that wish to live in a familial tribal setting without one on one partnerships, that should be allowed as well. if the right really wants to look at a solution for such problems as abortion & the desacralization of sex,the meaningless & profane relationships that many people have, the disconnection from the creative force, maybe they should be looking beyond their religion & cultural setting & see how effective the tribal template is. it has been going for millions of years & the only reason it is diminishing is because the "civilized world" will not allow any other way of being other than it's own to exist. it seeks to destroy all other ways of being.
One other big lesson those on the left should learn, especially all of the urban people out there, is that middle america is NOTHING like you. they do not even live within the same culture. in the city it is easy to forget, there are so many that are the same. sameness is everywhere, even though there is diversity as well. in fact, the diversity is mistaken for being the natural state of human affairs when it is actually a newer way of being. for the majority of america, this is not the reality that they face. they are scared of urban america. they believe in the myths. when they come to experience the city, they go to the areas that were specifically designed to impress them & make them spend money. they get to experience this soft inner shell which they think is surrounded by the forces of darkness. and not only that, but they enter into a world where people do not look each other in the eyes as they walk down the street. into a world in which so many act in such a completely self absorbed manner

I would also suggest that many in the left, or rather, many that are passionate about ANY belief or cause, have a tendency to insulate themselves from reality by surrounding themselves with an insulating barrier of like minded people. in doing so, other thought patterns are kept from entering the discourse, and since everyone in the group keeps hearing the same thing repeated over & over, the tendency comes to believe that everyone thinks that way & sees things as you do.

if there is anything that is obvious, it is that we do not have a truly representative system of government. if we did, there would be 2 leaders when there is a near 50/50 split in the popular mindset. each would be equally represented. this whole notion that 51 vs 49 represents some movement totally to one side over the other is completely absurd and is the perfect example of how insanely dualistic & black/white the american mindset is.
it needs to change.
left & right are both extreme, arrogant, shortsighted, intolerant, and childish.
we should all be able to live in the way in which we find proper. without the need to convince others to live in the same way. this plurality is part of the natural system of life, the one that comes from the creator, if you need to believe that.
this violence of the mind must stop. we have forgotten the heart.
we must find out hearts again, and realize that we are all on this trip called life together & that no matter how different our beliefs may be, we all need to support & encourage each others journeys into the unknown.
we all get to decide the world we live in. we just need to take the actions into our own hands. every day, in every interaction. that's the ONLY way in which anything is every going to really change.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

National Day of Delusion and Confusion

ok, so it's election day.
let's start out with some fun before i go off on a rant...
i think both of these are pertinent to today.

The Parable of the Bitter Tea
by Rev. Dr. Hypocrates Magoun, P.P., POEE Priest, Okinawa Cabal
When Hypoc was through meditating with St. Gulik, He went there into the kitchen where he busied hiimself with preparing the feast and in this endeavor, he found that there was some old tea in a pan left standing from the night before, when he had in his weakness forgot about its making and had let it sit steeping for 24 hours. It was dark & murky and it was Hypoc's intention to use this old tea by diluting it with water, And again in his weakness, chose without further consideration and plunged into the physical labor of the preparations. It was then when deeply immersed in the pleasure of that trip, he has a sudden loud clear voice in his head saying "It is bitter tea that involves you so." Hypoc heard the voice, but the struggle inside intensified, and the pattern, previously established with the physical laboring and the muscle messages coordinated and unified or perhaps coded, continued to exert their influence and Hypoc succumbed to the pressure and he denied the voice.
And again he plunged into the physical orgy and completed the task, and LO as the voice had predicted, the tea was bitter.
-Principia Discordia page 00037 (all hail ERIS!)

and heck , here's page 38 too!:
One day Mal-2 (Malaclypse the younger) asked the messenger spirit Saint Gulik to approach the Goddess and request Her presence for some desparate advice. Shortly afterwards the radio came on by itself, and an ethereal female Voice said
"O! Eris! Blessed Mother of Man! Queen of Chaos! Daughter of Discord! Concubine of Confusion! O! Exquisite Lady, I beseech You to lift a heavy burden from my heart!"
"I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own people, mothers imprison sons, children perish while brothers war. O, woe"
"But nobody WANTS it! Everybody hates it!"
At which moment she turned Herself into an aspirin commercial and left the Polyfather stranded alone with his species.

okay, now for the rant...
yep i'm gonna vote. why, simply because i don't want to have to field all of the bullshit questions from everyone as to why i would not.
first of all, i'll admit to being about as stubborn as possible when it comes to ethics & how i express myself. i WILL NOT do something that i do not feel ethically ok with. PERIOD!
that said, i am breaking that rule for this one day.
I do not want to.there is probably not a single person on the ballot who i feel deserves the position they are running for.
here's the number one reason: they all talk about being leaders when THAT IS NOT THEIR JOB. THEY ARE SERVANTS! if we are choosing leaders, then we are NOT a representative democracy. it is not supposed to be about us following them, but about them doing what we tell them to do.
the electoral college system is obsolete. it's antiquated.
it is not a truly representative system.

also, i'd like to ask you all; how much do you actually know about the candidates that matter most? your local judges? your state rep's & senators? do you even know who your choices are before you go to the polls?
if not, don't you dare consider yourself an informed voter.
you keep wondering how we get in this mess & it's probably because 90% of americans are boastful ignorant fools.
i understand that people are bred & programmed to uphold this way of being. voting it further into existence solidifies this more & more with each passing year as we ignore the real problems that are at the roots of our way of life & entertain ourselves with what we are told is important & the real source of the problems.
it's really this simple: did the way we are trying to solve the problem work yesterday? did it work the day before? how about the day before that? well, then why the hell do you expect it to work NOW !?!
how about TRYING A DIFFERENT APPROACH. try a new solution. stop banging your frikkiin head against the wall like a madman!

i think people are going to feel very let down if Kerry wins & the changes do not come. there has been this great buildup of expectation, as if kerry is some sort of saviour. all i can say is that we're just opening the door to another demon.
he may be friendlier, he may be wiser, he may seem more humanitarian, but always watch what is happening behind his back.
remember that some of the most insidious acts happen in the name of humanitarian cause. an example: sterilizing agents being put in vaccines given in africa.
sound implausible? it's true. done by "humanitarians".(somewhere in my blog archives there's a link to the story)
my point is simply to stay awake & aware & don't let the bs rhetoric of your self empowerment thru voting delude you into thnking that we really live in as free of a society as is portrayed. if it were really free, there would be no problem with people living different ways of life, people would not have to work if they didn't want to, we would be able to choose the type of education we really want (and i mean REALLY, not from the short list. it's like pretending that judaism, christianity & islam are different religions & represent the expanse of religious diversity when they actually are all different variations on the same foundations -they are 3 different evolutionary steps in the same belief system)
anyway...enough of my bs for today:
now get out there & vote! we've gotta start somewhere! just realize that we need to do the work, not them!

Monday, November 01, 2004

aldous huxley on voting

i'd started a project of posting random pickings from my bookshelves & never kept up with it. i was surprised when doing a google search one day that someone had actually used the page as a reference.
anyway, here's what i had up:

Self-government is in inverse ratio to numbers. The larger the constituency, the less the value of any particular vote. When he is merely one of millions, the individual elector feels himself to be impotent, a negligible quantity. The candidates he has voted into office are far away, at the top of the pyramid of power. Theoretically they are the servants of the people; but in fact it is the servants who give orders and the people, far off at the base of the great pyramid, who must obey. Increasing population and advanced technology have resulted in an increase in the number and complexity of organizations, an increase in the amount of power concentrated in the hands of officials and a corresponding decrease in the amount of control exercised by electors, coupled with a decrease in the public's regard for democratic procedures. Already weakened by the vast impersonal forces at work in the modern world, democratic institutions are now being undermined from within by the politicians and their propagandists.

Human beings act in a variety of irrational ways, but all of them seem to be capable, if given a fair chance, of making a reasonable choice in the light of available evidence. Democratic institutions can be made to work only if all concerned do their best to impart knowledge and to encourage rationality. But today, in the world's most powerful democracy, the politicians and their propagandists prefer to make nonsense of democratic procedures by appealing almost exclusively to the ignorance and irrationality of the electors. "Both parties," we were told in 1956 by the editor of a leading business journal, "will merchandize their candidates and issues by the same methods that business has developed to sell goods. These include scientific selection of appeals and planned repetition….Radio spot announcements and ads will repeat phrases with a planned intensity. Billboards will push slogans of proven power….Candidates need, in addition to rich voices and good diction, to be able to look 'sincerely' at the TV camera."

From Brave New World Revisited by Aldous Huxley
pages 65-66
©1958 Aldous Huxley

blahbiddy blah

well, I've been feeling like I'm not sure which end is up with myself over the last few days.
i guess i'm questioning this whole "owning my way of being " thing.
I've always had a hard time with this fear of becoming overly arrogant, of being unthinking & uncompassionate about the way i interact with others.
usually, this manifests as verbal diarrhea.
somehow, every now & then, i lose the ability to censor myself or to stop going on & on about something. It becomes this extroverted process. I know that i am looking for feedback, but then i don't give enough space to get that feedback. I'll just keep on talking.
I've noticed that sometimes I'm like that with this blog too. I go on & on as if i know what I'm talking about.
well, i want to assure all of you that i most definitely don't think i know it all & simply have a tendency to be open about my internal processes.
I'm now starting to realize the toll that this can take on those around me though. I never ask if my friends care to bare the weight of that which i present. this is a bit selfish. i get into this mode of draggin people into the learning process & the experience without thinking about whether they are even ready or willing or not.
I need to be more thoughtful about this.
I'm definitely glad to be becoming aware of this.
i simply hope that i can keep that awareness & change the mode of being.
maybe it's because of the times we live in & the fact that i believe that this way of life most of us live is simply evolutionarily unstable. not only that, but it seems pretty damn obvious that it brings madness & trauma to more than it brings bliss.
we seem to be as inefficent as we possibly can be, avoiding the direct route at all costs.
all i know is that I've got some big changes coming (when do i not feel that way?) and i've really gotta make sure that they stick.
I guess this realization comes because for the first time in my entire life, I've had someone say that they never wish to see me again. this has never happened to me before. it makes me question my actions & who i am becoming.
i can only hope to go deeper within, to understand myself better so that i act out of love & compassion. truly, with the understanding of how i am effecting others.

more later...