Monday, November 01, 2004

blahbiddy blah

well, I've been feeling like I'm not sure which end is up with myself over the last few days.
i guess i'm questioning this whole "owning my way of being " thing.
I've always had a hard time with this fear of becoming overly arrogant, of being unthinking & uncompassionate about the way i interact with others.
usually, this manifests as verbal diarrhea.
somehow, every now & then, i lose the ability to censor myself or to stop going on & on about something. It becomes this extroverted process. I know that i am looking for feedback, but then i don't give enough space to get that feedback. I'll just keep on talking.
I've noticed that sometimes I'm like that with this blog too. I go on & on as if i know what I'm talking about.
well, i want to assure all of you that i most definitely don't think i know it all & simply have a tendency to be open about my internal processes.
I'm now starting to realize the toll that this can take on those around me though. I never ask if my friends care to bare the weight of that which i present. this is a bit selfish. i get into this mode of draggin people into the learning process & the experience without thinking about whether they are even ready or willing or not.
I need to be more thoughtful about this.
I'm definitely glad to be becoming aware of this.
i simply hope that i can keep that awareness & change the mode of being.
maybe it's because of the times we live in & the fact that i believe that this way of life most of us live is simply evolutionarily unstable. not only that, but it seems pretty damn obvious that it brings madness & trauma to more than it brings bliss.
we seem to be as inefficent as we possibly can be, avoiding the direct route at all costs.
all i know is that I've got some big changes coming (when do i not feel that way?) and i've really gotta make sure that they stick.
I guess this realization comes because for the first time in my entire life, I've had someone say that they never wish to see me again. this has never happened to me before. it makes me question my actions & who i am becoming.
i can only hope to go deeper within, to understand myself better so that i act out of love & compassion. truly, with the understanding of how i am effecting others.

more later...

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