Wednesday, November 24, 2004

head cold insanity

I've been working thru a bad head cold the last few days & this morning i think my tension exploded in an unexpected place.
I spent last night gettin really frustrated as i kept getting the hiccups during my coughing spells & the simple fact that i could not breathe.
matter of fact, i've felt a lot of anger the last few days. a lot of misanthropy.
why? heck, look around. i think the thing that got me started last week was this commercial for a show called "In search of David's heart" or something like that where the main female character yells out "i lost my brother & no one knows how that feels!".
well abig reality checking fuck you to you girly. you ain't the first person on the earth to lose a loved one & to turn something like that into an ego trip is complete bullshit. now, i understand, in those situations we react in those ways sometimes. but this speaks to the unhealthy relationship our culture has not only with death, but with life.
now, mind you, this opinion is not coming from someone who does not know. I lost my 16 year old brother in a car accident a few years ago. i know what it is like to lose a sibling. but that is life! that's how it all works! why do people pretend that it should be some other way? it is your belief that makes it such a suffering.
so anyway, this girl in the show supposedly goes off in search of the person who got david's donated heart. I'm sorry, but this is absurd. it is unhealthy.
why is it that we feel the need to do such things? why can we not simply accept?
yeah, i miss my brother, but i do not suffer at all about it. why? because it does not matter! He had the gift of life, now he's gone. one day i'll be gone, you will be gone, we all will. but are we? do we go? does it matter? we create these belief systems in order to temper our suffering, yet there exist relationships with death throughout the world that do not even bring suffering into the equation.
i think it wiser to seek a relationship with death that allows one to live.
we all seem to be so preoccupied with death. not necessarily on a concious level, but all of our fears go right back to it. It brings impatience, intollerance, greediness, and a whole slew of other negative emotions & thought patterns.
th majority of us in the west especially do not have a healthy relationship with either life or death. it's why we are so torn, so at each others throats.
so many people feel the need to be so right about everything because they are afraid that they might be wrong. so many defence mechanisms, all leading back to that fear of death.
"i have to do something meaningful before i die", "i have to leave my mark", these are not thoughts of an enlightened individual but rather defense mechanisms of the ego. it is this fear of losing our sense of self that tends to rule so many of us.
but what is "self"? do you really know? I'm not sure if i do. am i my mind? am i my body? am i beyond both? maybe all of these are true. we just don't know. we cannot know except through experience.
One thing that really tends to bother me is the way in which people feel the need to believe in so many absolutes.
an example: this morning in beans & bagels, the woman in front of me in line commented on a little news clipping that they have up that talks about a teacher in florida that does not want evolution taught in her classroom because she finds it offensive. yes, she happens to be a creationist. yeas , she is closed minded & a programmed individual. but here's the thing: this woman & one of the employees acted as if she was insane & they were not, while i'm more thatn sure froim the exchange that they believe that evolution should be taught without any questions. so what did i do? in my feverish state, i got overwhelmed & exploded on them saying that evolution is nothing but a theory. it is NOT proven. there is no missing link, or rather, the link is missing. not only that, but that anyone who believes that there are only 2 versions of where we come from, creationism or evolution are downright stupid. anyone that is that simple minded has no right to decide what anyone should be taught. I mentioned the fact that there are OTHER takes on where we came from too, not just those two. the one thing that i ws trying to get across that i did not say directly is that they are no different than the christian woman. they simply believe that their theory is more right than hers. they do not want to be inclusive, they want their own type of exclusivity. this is not being interested in truth. this is pure dogmatism. i also pointed out that science is a religion in which all equations have an unknown variable in which there is FAITH that the variable will at some FUTURE TIME be known. not only that, but peer review is it's own form of a priestly caste. all answers in science lead to more questions which eventually lead to the unknown. to believe that it is not faith is to be very very deluded.
anyway, as you can read, i'm still a little bit in a tempermental feverish state, so i'm gonna stop writing now.
i hope this wasn't all a bunch of bs.
i don't think so, but then, who ever said that i had a clue as to the nature of reality?
anyway, as far as where we came from goes, what does it even fuckin matter? your here now, so why not be in the present? knowing where we came from is nothing but a mindgame. it does not matter. all that matters is how we create our reality NOW, in the eternal present moment. remember, past & future are only abstract. they no longer or are yet to exist. any thoughts about them by definition MUST be subjective. so choose your metaphors wisely, because they color your present.

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