Saturday, November 13, 2004

i don't like goodbyes

It's true...i don't really believe in them. Goodbyes feel so absolutist. considering i don't really buy into absolutes, it's difficult for me to deal with goodbyes.
I say this because i finally sent the big email to patricia and got a response right away. it was good, it was insightful, but it also leaves me wanting to continue the conversation.
She's the first person EVER in my life to tell me that she needs to not see me again. A tough pill to swallow. especially coming from someone that i love so deeply. But she needs something for herself right now that does not include me & that's ok.
the thing is, now that this process is being gone thru, at least on my part, i realize how helpful I could be to her process as well. I don't think she could handle it, she's not yet "wired" for it. but as i've come to recognize what is/has been going on, i've come to understand how much of a "teacher" role i have been playing & was not concious of. now that i recognize it, i feel as if i could actually be effective & have a wonderful interaction in that way with her. There's been discussion about finding what we need within ourselves. this is so true. but we cannot expect to discover our own tools only thru trial & error.
yes, we can find them in that way, but there is a reason why teachers, mentors, gurus, and leaders of all sorts have always been around. we ALL learn from outside of ourselves as much as we do from inside. It's simply a matter of recognizng what is authentically our own & what comes from without. We can take these techniques that we obtain thru learning from others who have walked similar paths and transmute them into our own, apply them in a manner that is true to ourselves.
It is a wonderful feeling to find inspiration wherever one can be in another person, in a tree, in the sky, even in bad art!
We get so caught up in trying to come up with all of the answers ourselves that we forget that the self is really just a barrier, that everything "out there" is just as much a part of us as everything inside is. All of our thoughts and interpretations of the world are reflections of our selves. So when we find inspiration fom outside, it is not really from anything separate from ourselves. we need to remember that the connection exists, that we are all here to share individual experiences & add to the collective being that is "the tao" or "god" or "the collective unconcious" or whatever you feel you are comfortable calling it.
I feel myself ever so more pulled into the path of the teacher. every day a little bit more. Not teacher in the sense that most in the west know. More in the sense of the guru. and yes, i did say that.
Most people do not understand what guru means.
one of the best goofy little ways to understand is to think of it like this: a guru is someone who reminds you- "gee, you are you". it is not about instilling knowledge in a dogmatic sense.
maieutic (definition - in context) teaching seems as if it is the most effective method.
It is the art of letting the answers come from within the student, letting them answer their own questions & guiding them to their own truths.
This is a selfless way of teaching & in that respect is very much in resonance with the art of zen, although the zen master can be a bit more forceful in technique, using the methods of catching one offguard in order to bring wakefullness, to bring the student into the present.
anyway, my point is that I continually find myself wanting to give, to help, to guide people to their own truths and towards the path of wakefulness & awareness.
It seems like we are living in a world of zombies these days.
so much unawareness, ignorance, and narrow mindedness.
the thing is, many don't like to be woken from their slumber, so this type of teacher is not always welcome. this type of teaching brings real change, not merely coping skills for modern civilization.
I'd go on some more, but i need to clean the apartment, a chore put off for a little bit too long.
a clean apartment sure does help to clear the mind & heart.

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