Tuesday, December 27, 2005

holidays

lack of sleep.
that is the easiest way to describe my holiday weekend.
it was good, but tiring.
a mixture of various forms of transportatioin from foot to train to car & back.
i don't mind riding the train.
not many details to share.
just some hagning out with family & friends.
now i need to prepare for the next long train trip this weekend.
i have a feeling that it is going to be the best adventure i have been on in a long time.
for now, it's time to clean my home and keep moving forward with all fo my various creative projects.
wish i felt like writing more...maybe later...

new dj mix posted

just posted a new mix i did while riding the amtrak this christmas.
it's just under 75 minutes long & 65MB.

get it here

a little latin, a little broken, and a lotta northern european electronic groove.
a few iffy spots, but pretty smooth overall.

here's the tracklist:

1) Bauchklang - Sunshine
2) Planet Deep -Only Freak
3) Untitled - Four Flies (Gerd's Copy Mix)
4) Jazzhino - Constelacao (Quant remix)
5) Amplified Orchestra - The Prophecy
6) Roy Ayers - Holiday (Broken version)
7) Nathan Haines - Long (4hero remix)
8) Jaymz Nylon as African Audio Research Program - How Deep Is Deep? (Champion Soul remix)
9) Mark De Clive-Lowe - State of the Mental (Maddslinky remix)
10) Flowriders - Pheremone
11) Colonel Red - U Gimme That Feelin'
12) Delgui feat. Marilyn David - Boogie Bridge (Gerd's 4lux remix)
13) Robert Strauss - The Empire Strikes Back

Friday, December 23, 2005

Refresher

After a good workout last night, some time simply being & relaxing, and a lot of contemplation, I have to say that I am breathing deep.
it always seems as if all of the aspects of my life that seem unknown, up in the air, and pregnant with possibilities collide at once in a huge swell of energy.
I've been learning to focus it, but sometimes it seems to end up getting a little out of control.
I express myself. It flows out, and sometimes it confounds people. Other times it consoles them.
all of the time it helps me make sense of whatever the heck is going on inside of me & around me.

I've noticed quite often in life that I have this notion that I am not allowed to make mistakes, to go through rough & confusing times & emotions.
sometimes it proves true. Others are not always comfortable with it. Some want to instantly console & make it go away, others simply wish to turn their backs. The best know full well that it is all a part of the learning process & something that I have to go through, just as they have to go through their own experiences.

I keep feeling this calling, this need to help others realize their experiences, to help them acquire a clearer vision of their own path.
many times while doing this I will forget my own.
then I realize, oh yeah...Didn't I say that I am walking the pathless path? What the heck did I expect?

On Wednesday night, reality fell out from under me & I was all of a sudden in the void.
instantly. The experience came out of nowHere.
all of a sudden the immensity of the illusion really set in, and there was my ego asking out loud "well, what the fuck do I do now?"
all human understanding..Interpretations, metaphors, beliefs, religions, sciences, everything. Illusion. Nothing but language. Nothing but interpretation, nothing but all of us painting a giant canvas that we call life together. teh great tangled hierarchy of infinite interconnection.
believing it rationally is one thing, but actually experiencing it quite another.
now comes the process of integration - how to be a part of everyday life, how to PLAY, how to CELEBRATE, how to LET GO and simply be IN THE MOMENT.

I had forgotten it all too readily, being all wrapped up in a new swell of emotions.
I must not be allowing myself the community that I would thrive in because when someone so wonderful that I feel such an intense connection to comes around, I dive head first. And each time it seems that I dive faster & deeper.
it's all genuine, real. And I think those who think that it is wrong or misguided are really missing out on one of the most joyous and alive aspects of living.
sometimes I myself miss it. Many times.
but then I find it again, and realize that I had simply lost focus, gotten tangled up in this identity, this imagining of who I am or am supposed to be, how I am supposed to act, what I am supposed to do and say.
all self imposed, as I have spent the majority of my life attempting to outpace my programmers.

now I find myself once again on teh edge of the cosmic cliff. Staring into infinity.
everything possible. If I can keep my heart pure, my motives selfless, and my being focused.

to share, it is all I want to do.

I am almost ready to announce that my whole life is dedicated to this.
to learning, to teaching, to sharing, to birthing more love & awareness of our connections.
but there is still that trace of ego there that maybe I need in order to get some other things done, in order to develop the languages, metaphors & images that will aid me on this journey.

all I know is that I am surrendered to it.
I am in sannyas with the infinite.

I am looking forward to the new connections I am making, they are with wonderful beings.
inspiring.
I need to make sure to remain open to these experiences. Completely.

cultural programming brings in fear in order to try to control, to protect, to maintain an old vision of what this self is supposed to be. Like the death throws of our current cultural paradigm, it going to be a trying & challenging task to deal with these issues.
but it is something that we all need to be concentrating on.
there are some big changes coming.
and that is the understatement of the century.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

exorcising faulty programming

she burns my ego away, and i cannot resist my willingness to play.
confronted inside with all of my ghosts, past present & yet to be.
emotional immaturity or overzealous visions for what could be?
i do not, cannot know, unless i experience.
yes, experience, it reveals truth, subjectively, it's true, but truth nonetheless.

schizophrenic messages from the past come knocking, telling me not to believe what i hear.
intuition saying so many wonderful things, yet being smacked by a bipolar past of dealing with psychological games.
having to face things left untended, things that one wishes would simply fade into the past.
wanting to let go. wanting to again live dangerously, risking so much with no attachment to outcome.
more easily said than done.

i do not forget what happened before, knowingly & willingly venturing into dangerous waters, accepting the risk of disaster,
of broken heart, of being "wrong".
there is nothing to fuck with your head quite like someone telling you one night that they will do everything in their power to make sure that they get to experience sharing their life with you. calling you Pan, Dionysian...
surrendering into feelings long bottled up & letting them flow forth like a swollen river, finally accepting them, expressing them, after too much time of repression. she let so many truths that i felt, that i knew to be true finally be expressed.
I have not heard from her but once or twice since that day, and those words were so surreal, unreal.
she ran the other way.and i understand. but understanding does not stop the hurting.
the only thing that ends that is moving on & tending to the wounds, learning, moving deeper into an understanding of both myself & the other.
my intuition - challenged for so long, off & on. one day told it is all true, the next denial.
why did i let it go on for so long?
because i knew the truth & wanted to hear it from her lips.
and i did.
i let myself get battered in the process of proving to myself that i was right. treating my intuition as if it were a holy thing.
and in a way, it is. it has always been a wonderful guide.i give it great respect.
but maybe she was right, maybe i had too much 'self' involved in the whole thing.
and she always thought i would talk ideas to impress her - but really it is just who i am! it is what i do!
but thank creation for that night, for those last moments, because they made it all worth it.
to know one is loved in such a way, even if the other is not ready, may never be, is immeasurably rewarding.
but a proper goodbye would have been nice.

i have not thought much about this for a long time.
i had been turned off.
failed attempts at connection over the past year (apologies to E, & A), innumerable crushes to entertain me as i pass the time waiting...for what?
i am not quite sure.
am i a devotion junky?
can i simply not help but devote myself to whoever i am completely enamored with at the moment? whether it be intellectual, spiritual, physical, emotional? (and when i say devotion, i MEAN it!)
is it even wrong if i do? or is it a step towards the ultimate love?
what exists in between? do I? can I?

I have finally met someone that i feel wonderful about again.
I was beginning to wonder...how long?
and then i relaxed, gave in, & out of nowhere...

Communicating with her has opened me up & started to peel back layers that are needing much attention, much pruning.
I adore her. maybe too much. but she deserves it.and i want her to KNOW completely that she deserves it.
but i cannot help it. i feel something coming from her that resonates, that strikes deep.
my intuition once again buzzing like crazy.
saying yes! adventure!
and then that hurt part, still recovering saying "Remember how that last one took back everything she said?how she swore that she never said the things she did & that you imagined them & were arrogant & selfish in your pursuit?"
(never mind the truth of the things that she DID actually express over those 2 years!)
a fear I want & need to get through, to move through, to grow through.
to let that shit go. for good.
at least i am long past pining for it, missing it...
i have to be if i am even going to consider a serious relationship with anyone.
it is only fair.

i want to live dangerously.
i want to surrender. to not worry, to simply be & relax.
so much...
and when i find that place inside where i simply am, relaxed into my being....bliss.
and when the fear, the insecurity, the programming of the past comes a knocking, the heartrate & bloodpressure rising...
it can become all too easy to fall into the negative - thoughts of not deserving, of being rejected, of being lied to.
it is not always easy to catch oneself. the recognition may not come until afterwards.
I've had enough headgames for this lifetime.
i want to rest.
i want to love.
i want to share.
i want it to be simple.
not so fuckin complex this time.
i want sanity.
real communication
a partner that is really a partner.

i do not know if i am capable of living the philosophies i tend to believe. i do not even know if they are natural to my being.
but it is time to experiment & find out, otherwise I can never truly know.

i do not know if i am deluding myself at all about what i am feeling right now.
i wish i did. i know that it feels real, authentic.
meeting in person will be wonderful, will reveal so much.
things that cannot be revealed any other way.
excited, anxious, a little afraid,not of her, but of myself, of my fears and my ability to deal with them in a mature manner.
i want her to experience the best parts of me.
i get so damn excited that i can get out of control with my emotions. it's the piscean aries mix. those fish give a lot of depth & dreaming to that highly excitable & dynamic aries energy.
better to be too deep than too shallow, don't ya think?

I know that i have been letting myself get carried away, and while it feels wonderful, it may not be the most healthy thing.
so, i apologize to all involved if i am ever too much.

I care. more than the average bear.
i fall in love easily when i meet wonderful beings.
considering it would be bliss to me to be in love with the world, this is a good thing.
i just long to feel the touch of someone who cares. one person (and one in particular)
to be close and just be able to relax into her, to simply BE, together.
such simple things can grow to be huge out of control visions & dreams for the future.
desires.
attachments.
invitations for suffering.
that is not what i want.
i want to be at peace.
not at war with myself.
not at odds with reality, what is meant to be.
i think i've had about enough abstraction for now...
anyone got a little something to ground this here freak?,
cus he's been floating out into the mystical void a little too much lately!
a really big hug would do just right.

but i'm a big boy, i can take it.
i just really needed to express this.
to let it out.
now i can sleep peacefully.

peace & love to all of you.

her being is so beautiful

Random connections

Yesterday afternoon, I decided to walk home from work; to brave the cold.
it was a good walk. A little more taxing than normal, but really really good.

an interesting thing occurred on that walk. A few things actually.
I guess I should back up a bit though...

I finally felt relaxed. relaxed into my work even.
it was good. Much needed.
the new excitement that has entered my life has been keeping me more often in a state of excitement than not.
well, for a little while that afternoon, I managed to be in the now.
the most natural sensation, and all to rare for most of us.

so, back to the walk...

being the holiday season, there are a LOT of people out on Michigan Ave.
well, I took a route up said Ave. As I had decided to walk home up the lakefront.
I had some Utah Philips & Ani DiFranco goin in the headphones & was feeling pretty blissful, even while navigating through the throngs of holiday shoppers who are not used to being pedestrians & tend to not have a clue about the dynamics of traveling by foot within a public setting (I blame the automobile for this one).
a HUGE thank you to j-dog for the Utah/Ani tracks.
they went unbelievably well with the crisp sunny winter day & the thin sheets of ice that stretched out a bit into the lake.
I love watching the drift of the plates & the "rivers" of water that exist between them, thinning & swelling as the ice glides back & forth.

back to the interesting thing that happened...
it was a few blocks before I enter the lakefront, just south of the watertower.
I was walking up the east side of the street and approaching an intersection.
so many people, in both directions, and my natural pace was already rising & I was making my way around people, waiting for the oncoming traffic to clear.
as I was starting to pass & move around everyone, I felt someone from the oncoming group of people grasp my forearm.
it was a quick firm squeeze, the kind that only someone who feels connected to you would give. An nonintrusive hello raised to a level of the need to physically connect, to cross that boundary.
it felt comforting.
I turned to see who it was but nothing registered. I could see no one looking back at me, no one who wanted me to see that it was them.
but then maybe I was not looking hard enough.
I was so lost in the actual experience of the feeling that was created by the action itself that I did not even really feel the need to put a face to it.
just as wonderful to leave it in it's pure form.
but I do wonder who it was.
heck, it could have simply been someone who wanted to know what my jacket felt like, or simply a random act of connection.
no telling really.
but it was interesting nonetheless.

once I got to the lakefront, it washed away though as other things were on my mind.
other people...another person...yeah, you know...
I smiled the whole walk home.
thinking about how much I just want to put my arms around her...

Saturday, December 17, 2005

chili

it's been a great day.
the guiness that i am drinking hte remainder of after putting some into the from scratch chili I am making is makin me feel nice & chill & I am so hapy that i do not have to work tomorrow!

i received some cds in the mail from j-dog today & i swear that I popped the first one in (Padiro Axé -incredible Capoeira music!) and almost started cryin cus it struck me so much. (yeah, i can be all sensitive like that)
wow. so beautiful. I've just started listening to the other cds (Savage Aural Hotbed & Utah Philips & Ani DiFranco) & I just want to...
well, let's just say I can hardly wait till New Year's.
It will be so amazing to finally be able to look into her eyes.

I can smell the scent of that chili wafting in here...3 kinds of dried peppers, plus fresh poblanos & chipotles with some adobo.everything fresh ground by mortar & pestle. garlic, cumin & so many other spices...even a little garam masala.
mmm. i just licked the spoon...SPICY!
right on.

got some christmas shopping done today & started the most important xmas project of all.

think I'll chill for the rest of the eveing & tomorrow will be a day of creativity.

wish i was cooking for more than one...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

energy flows

last night i started doing the Budokon workout again & it was incredible.
i had been having a moody evening and once i hit that point where one relaxes into the workout it all washed away.
i think the martial arts portion is a little bit too hard on my achin toe cus that baby is hurtin today. very tender.
i feel like such a baby talkin about that so much, but damn, when you feel dull pain with each step, it really plays a big part of they day.
even so...it seems that the motion from exercise & movement does help the joints become more flexible. I've decided i probably did not break or fracture any of the bones, but probably did tear some cartilage or connective tissue.
the bruising is almost all visibly gone now.
so, it's a little warmer today, but cooling down tonite, so i'm gonna go for the walk again today & see how it goes.
i just feel so energized today.
total aries energy too. powerful.

the work day has been calm, smooth, yet busy.
need to get some food soon though - blood sugar dropping...
don't want that kinda fussiness to set in.

things are pretty much lined up with all fo the travel plans now, which is good.
now i have to decide what to pack, but no hurry with that.
more of a hurry to finish up the christmas gifts.

i wonder how much of a madhouse the train station is going to be...
i am always a bit amused at how stressed out some people get getting on the train.
just gotta relax & go with the flow. especially during the holidays.
otherwise it's just too much stress.

so, now i'm going to do something i have not done in a long time!

OSHO QUOTE!:

"You see the people ?
they are miserable because they have compromised on every point,
and they cannot forgive themselves because they have compromised.
They know that they could have dared, but they proved cowards.
In their own eyes they have fallen, they have lost self-respect.
That´s what compromise does."

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Early winter

So, we've been getting snow & rain here in Chicago like we have not gotten in a long time. Usually, December is still a relatively warm winter month, say,averaging mid thirties to mid forties. At least it had been the last few years. And I am damn sure of it, cus I spent those winters walking home 7 miles a day.
hope it's not the beginning of the next ice age! :^O
haha

so I've been finalizing all of my holiday travel plans & I sure am going to be spending quite a bit of time on the road. Thankfully I will hardly be driving any of it if I even have to drive at all.
means I can do some djmixin on the laptop, take a nap, read a book, meditate, watch the landscape go by...
since I'm goin Amtrak I am seriously thinkin about upgrading to business class for the longer trip so I can be sure to have an AC outlet for the laptop. 9 hours is a long ass ride. It would be good to be productive for some of it.
heck maybe I can even get a new website designed in that time. hehe.

I am looking forward to all of it.

it will be good to see family at Christmas. I do not get to see them enough.
and new year's is going to rock my world I'm sure.

but the next few weeks need to be about me gettin prepared for all of it.
final present making or buying (prefer making)and all of that.

having a toe that is still not cooperating the way I'd like it to and all of this icy snowy dirty city to have to trek thru to get things done is sometimes a little, well...taxing. but worth it.
I just do not feel like diggin that caravan out of the snow & takin a chance of it dying on me in this weather.
best to let it sit peacefully.

i've been playing a lot with traktor dj studio too. Finally getting the hang of it and finally have the ability to headphone cue, something I was not able to do before.
the interface I have that lets me do it sux ass (noisy as all hell & sometimes freaks traktor out - it's a low end edirol 2i/2o + headphone jack usb thing), but until I get something that works better, it'll do.
it excites me to have someone awaiting to hear my mixes..someone that is a natural mover & shaker and I'm sure a dancer extraordinaire. I cannot wait to see her in motion!
I'll cook up the beats & you get the dance troupe together j-dog. We'll put on a show that'll make even those with the deepest sonic wallflower psychosis shake their asses.

life can be oh so good when ya surrender to it. Make the leap, take the chance.
wow.
I think this is going to be an amazing winter!

Monday, December 12, 2005

finally!

i'm thinking that today my foot may be healed enough to walk home!
the sun is shining, it's a little warmer than it has been and i'm feeling inspired all of the way through, so I'm gonna go for it & just make sure that i stick next to a bus route in case it starts giving me problems.
that really kinda sux because today is the kind of day that i cherish walking up the lakefront.
in the winter, the water & the sky have this quality that they simply do not have the rest of the year. the colors are amazing.
it is also nice that there is less fear of being overrun by cyclists & rollerbladers.
now i'm talkin myself into tryin that.

i just discovered that i am able to get the days off that i am neeeding for my new year's trip to CoMO! whoohoo!
i'm so damn excited! better get ready j-dog cus here i come!
(and i have a feelin I'm not going to be wanting to come home!)
*shiver of excitement*

many many new things to think about & take care of.
but i'm ready for it!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Breathe

It has been while since I've hit this thing up with a more philosophical post.
too long.
new inspiring insights, challenges, possibilities.
they can be overwhelming.

every once in awhile that wave of novelty comes crashing our way.
bringing the unexpected. But it isn't that the best things always come?
when least expected, emerging from the chaotic backgound noise of life.
visions manifesting.
hopes.
dreams.
we hold onto them inside, many times not preparing for the fact that they may emerge, manifesting into the greater reality.
then, all of a sudden, there it is.
right in front of you, and you are scared, because now there are no excuses.
the choice is right in front of you.
then the real questions arise.
are you really willing to play? To explore this new reality?
or are you going to turn your back & walk away?

so many times we all too readily move back into our own comfort zone, not wanting to disrupt the very things which have left us feeling dissatisfied to begin with.
so, our discontent continues, and we go on dreaming.
hoping that the next dream will become reality and then maybe yet again turning our backs on that one.
addicted to dreaming. Is this what we have become?
a culture that thinks that it never really deserves to manifest it's dreams?
that all we can have are the scattered remnants of them once they have been broken, smashed?
are we so addicted to our discontent?

breaking free, letting go, flowing, we are able to let these things manifest, to be what they are.
not to fight them, this is key.
being in charge will only destroy it.
control, ego, get in the way of manifestation, and in a way, are a distrust of life.
life supports life. It supports you & I if we let it.
if we open to it, surrender to it, allowing it to be free, natural.
once again I am brought back to the wave...
so many times I end up at this metaphor...
that life is an ocean, experiences the waves. There's no need to worry about controlling the wave, that is where surrender happens.
control, artistry, awareness is needed to ride the wave, and this can be done in whatever style the individual chooses, that which most suits the personality, the needs, and the path of the rider.
some get all tricky & cunning & have to be overly fancy, expressing all of the amazing tricks which they can perform.
others simply relax & ride longboard style, flowing, having a much more gentle relationship with the wave.
it's all good.
ride how you must.
but also remember that you are more than likely going to have to share the wave & be aware of those riding alongside of you.
there are going to be wipeouts, and you may even decide to ride in dangerous waters with more intense waves.
they key is simply to be prepared , centered, understanding that the eternal part of you, the part that is beyond pronouns & nouns, that is a verb, that is truly your becoming, that this is the heart of it all.
everything emanates from it, from this one that is beyond individuality.
we've each been given teh gift of individual expression. Not a true separation, but a chance to express the one in our own way.
life as art.
by expressing our own individual ways and being, we add to the fabric of the whole, or rather, reveal more of it as it is timeless.it is beyond the individual.
the cosmic hologram.
everything everywhere at all times, ready to be revealed.
eyes to see. Ears to hear, touch to feel, breath of life.

as we move into the age of Aquarius, into the age if individuality, of liberty, of liberalism, we absolutely MUST first come to terms with the lessons of the piscean age.
too many are throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Throwing out the connection of community, of group consciousness, of harmonic resonance between individuals, believing that it is slavery.
one can hardly blame this for occurring considering that the lesson must be learned within the context of Kali Yuga.
an age of resistance & disharmony, an age of an entropic resetting of the dials, so to speak.
The examples of pseudo christianity, nazism, and every other ego centered mass movement of psi and physical violence of this age leave a nasty taste.
but one needs to understand that these were not necessarily the only products of groupmind.
this is a point where i find the philosophies of those like Ayn Rand to be very childish & shallow.
i personally feel that Rand, an Aquarian herself, is a good example of an unawakened aquarian conciousness, or maybe a partially awakened one. being disconnected from the whole, obsessive about one's own personal truth & worshiping the ego as if it is god.
Being obsessed with their own correctness, there is a tendency to not see the underlying net, that which connects. It is overlooked completely.
Instead it is abandoned and rationality takes a totalitarian role, obliterating the subtleties of intuition, emotion, feeling. distrusting them, scorning them.
shallow, underdeveloped, and scared.
replacing these things with the principle of action for action's sake.
novelty for novelty's sake.

but always remember this.

this unawakened aquarian mindset holds on to negative aspects of that which came before in order to assert it's own dominance, it's need to be right.
the only reason it does this is because it is uncentered.
when centered, it truly can be the "fountainhead' , but it must be CENTERED and have moved BEYOND EGO ,
realizing that one is NOT the ego but that ego is a tool only,an inner technology of expression & interaction.
not something to be worshiped or put on a pedestal.
the true lesson & potential come when the individual expression of the aquarian mindset and the lessons of the piscean age are fully integrated BEFORE moving into the individualistic mindset.
there is a damn good reason why the lessons of the piscean age come before the aquarian one.
it is to avoid the pitfalls of the egoistic drive for dominance.

when the ego is not understood in a manner which makes it a tool rather than a god, horrible things occur.
the worst things come into being. and this is what has been happening all over the world as individuals who have not spent the time developing the connection to the greater world, to life, to the cosmos, heck, even to their neighbors, move forward forcefully into the world, demanding that their way of expression & being takes precedence.
if we are to avoid the fate of past civilizations this time around, we MUST integrate the empathy of the piscean mindset BEFORE moving into our individual pushes into the aquarian energy of individualization & plurality.
whenever these two principles are divorced from each other disaster is bound to occur.
and it is the child of the unawakened, unaware, non integrated being.
when the two are integrated, a new way is created from which flows forth a truly visionary, empathic, and collaborative reality. enlightened liberty.

we are a generation in transition, we can be the ones who lead this movement into the new world, birthing the new human.
we simply happened to be born at this time of intense novelty, catalytic reactions of spirit, science, mysticism, philosophy & religion.
we cannot be so casual about it, cynical, disconnected, wanting to escape it.
we've been given a gift.
we've been given wonderful tools.
we just need to get used to using them creatively at least as much as we use them for simple entertainment.
space/time is in a sense collapsing.
an effort must be made to preserve the energy, the expression of regionality, the personality of place.
monoculture is not an answer, an all or nothing path.
it is an opportunity to create a wider supplemental language & medium for a global dialogue, but it must not come at the expense of plurality.
there is nothing wrong with a one world mindset, as long as it includes the diversity which gave birth to the process to begin with.
life supports diversity, not homogenization.
let those who want there monoculture have it.
i have no problem with that.
but NOT at the expense of those who do not which to participate.
let those who want to be gods do so, let them design their world from top to bottom if they want to,
their reproduction, their genetically modified food, all of it.
just kick their asses off planet, as they have no right to destoy a natural living system which can & does flourish without them. to do so is the ultimate act of war against creation. to destroy that which does not need the human in order to replace it with something that exists simply to fulfill the needs of ego, of abstracted philosophies.

the mindset of the future, of the cosmic human should resonate with the following:
planets are expressions and are exactly what they are meant to be. their living systems should be left in tact to folow it's natural flow. those who do not wish to abide by those living symbiotic systems need to express themselves elsewhere, in a vaccum which is a blank slate for their creativity.
so, get to building those spaceships & space stations and get on with it so we can do our own thing here.
develop your nanotech to do so, but make sure to avoid that grey goo! be wise in your endevours!
you will even be welcomed back onto tera, as long as you are willing to live & abide by cosmic law & live in symbiotic accordance with the natural systems of the planet while present.

we must also be sure to not get caught up in the western museum mindset of turning traditional ways of being into static museum pieces. life is not static. so know that i am not stating that we should worship "old ways" as being something that do not ever change or metamorphosize.
i am simply saying that respect & a depth of understanding must be present. a willingness to truly come to a knowing, a resonant wisdom about that which we encounter during exploration.
this is the same attitude which should be present in ALL exploration.
every single problem that has ever existed or come into being because of exploration, colonization is due to this philosophy not being integrated.
maybe we are just now finally growing into it.
we should not beat ourselves up for the past.
we only have the now.
it's time for a change.
it's time to awaken to the new world.
it's time to stop acting like spoiled adolescents.
and we all need to be empathic, understanding & supportive as we all transform,
cus it's going to be a rough & we are ALL going to need each other.

i for one, am ready for it.
are you?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Wow!

What a strange & exhilarating week it has been.
first things first...
the intensification, and crossing of boundaries that happens with new people...expecially one that i find REALLY attractive & am feeling incredible resonance with.
since i try to keep the namin names to a minimum on here, let's simply refer to her as J.
most of you reading this will probably know who i am talking about anyway ;)
it has been wonderful to expand our communications, especially making the leap to the phone.
distance can be such a pain though, but with patience, meeting in person will happen, i'm pretty damn sure of that!
i keep having this intense impule to just blow off work & drive.
if only finances & teh state of my vehicle would allow that...hence the need for a little patience.

on saturday i did my new workout for the first time and it seriously kicked me ass.
I'm so psyched - know how powerful this shit is gonna be.
i just wish that i did not have carpet as it does not lend itself well to yoga/martial arts.
i managed to do some heavy damage to my left index toe by catching it on the floor & twisting it under the foot. every single joint in that toe is black & blue & bruised.
luckily it does not hurt much (only when strained or abused, both of which i am avoiding)and has nearly a full range of motion. it was only really stiff for a day.
still not able to do the long dist walks though as the underside, next to the ball of my foot is tender enough that i can feel it with every step.
that is when it is actually nice to have the carpet.

it feels so good to have this wonderful feeling runnin through me again.
both with myself, and with the way i am feeling about someone new.
it's been a bit too long.
it's giving me some real perspective, and definitely presenting me with some psychological findings about myself that i am all too ready to deal with & drop.
interesting when ya realize how messed up past situations became..how they affected you...that maybe it was not you who did not quite get it but that the other person was a little bit on the multiple-personality tip.that and knowing that the way in which she said goodbye was completely insane. but i digress...you can check the archives for that shit.
makes me very thankful that this new resonance, this new excitement, feels healthy centered & supportive, even though it is so new and even long distance & with no expectations. I reallu like trusting life, especially when it is like this!
always good to find another person who makes ya feel like you are comfortable being yourself.
it's one of the best things in the world. better yet when that feeling is accompanied by the push, the prodding to be even more, even better, to grow! the perfect blend of compassion & criticism is one of the biggest turn ons in the world to me.

here's to the now & here's to what is to be!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

mmm...velocity sensitive goodness

after a small amount of time figuring out what preset to use, I finally got my new trigger finger working in LIVE5 with the impulse drums...mmmmm...drum pads....
i'm in heaven...can't wait to try it with the korg ESX



PLAY DEM PADS!

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

chillywilly

gettin a little chilly out there.
at least here.
things are good. had a couple fo days of what felt like the begining of the flu but it seems to have passed.
got a new showerhead that seems to ahve solved my horrible water pressure problem.
this morning's shower was the best shower i've had in years.
i may be designing a new website for work. looking forward to that & maybe along with it a change of duties at work.
gettin over my moodiness that has been ruling me for the past couple of weeks.
probably helps to have new flirtations in my life :)
(shout out to the CO,MO crew! goddesses in the hizzous! haha!)
i want this shirt:

Monday, November 28, 2005

our greatest tool

there is one and only one tool, one technology whichh takes so many forms which should be the central focus of our transformation of the current worldstate.
it is meditation.
if one learns to clear the mind, to drop everything, to enter into the state of "no-mind" if only even for a moment, one can learn how to drop all programming, and once we drop out programming, we can no longer be controlled.
we can begin to see through the veil, to see the type of subtle manipulations that occur, to move past having blind faith in anything and moving into an existential reality.
it does not matter whether one is liberal or conservative, right or left, siner or saint.
all of these definitions are falsities, they are masks, they are programs.
each of us as differentiated being has complete control over how we relate to the "other".
we choose how we relate to death, how we relate to birth, to creativity to everything!
the sooner we are capable of moving into this way of being, this natural ability, the sooner we can create visionary & cocreative communities rather than buy into the communities whihc have been designed & handed to us in the marketplace., given to us by the priests & politicians, by all of those who have weaseled their way towards the top of the pyramid.

we need a new type of hierarchy, one based on the tetrahedron rather than the square based pyramid.
no matter how much power any new age zealot wants to convince you that the "egyptian" square based pyramid produces, it is only in an extremely localized way.
when one moves into cosmic awareness, there is no longer an up or down, a top or bottom. these become completely irrelevant except in relation to other localized manifestation.
there is no top and bottom if there is no gravity!
so, if up and down , top and bottom, are situational, relative in nature, how can we ever even begin to believe that a structural system which is designed for specific reference (i.e. having an "up" and a "down" or "top" and "bottom") will work in a pluralistic society?
it cannot! EVER!
it is not designed by nature to do so!
it is designed as an exploitive device.

truly understand this...all of the politically minded out there that think that you can change things from within the system...
the system itself is evolutionarily flawed at it's very core. it CANNOT and WILL NOT survive.
it needs to be dropped.
nothing else will do.
many of us like to believe that civilization as we know it is so tremendously beautiful because it has allowed us to be still for longer times, to search more inwards. but this is totally untrue!
we must work MORE to survive & provide for ourselves within civilization than we ever would have had to as hunter gatherers.
we have created one of the most inefficient, non symbiotic ways of being possible.
i am not saying it is wrong, taht it shuld not have happened. that would be a waste of time & nothing but an act of egotism.
rather, the time has come to move beyond, to start to create & actualize a new way.
so many want the answer to be readymade - we are so incredibly programmed as consumers in that way!
but it cannot be readymade! life cannot be readymade!
it is a dance, an experiment, a work of art.
it is ok to make mistakes, to fail along the way - the key is to learn, to integrate yet remain vital & fresh.
the beauty is in teh recovery, in the dynamic that occurs when one learns how to recover & move on from the mistakes.
and this applies to all aspects of life.

we must loosen up. not be so serious, and not think that sitting around talking politics & social issues means anything because it is nothing more than hot wind.
it is our every action and interaction which matters most.
it is our expression of creativity, teh way we speak, the way we look, the wya we relate whcih matterrs most.
you can say things all day long - that is the realm of those who are more interested in being right, of being judged as holy or intelligent.
it is total fakery.
it is posing.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

randomness

been workin my way thru the start wars movies this weekend.
it really surprises me how many of the most extraordinary aspects of that movie were not intended, or at least that lucas is not talking about the intent in the bonus material, or if he does it is much much shallower than i thought it would or should be.
anyway...

beyond that nnot much happening. I have wanted to be a hermit lately.
i dunno if it is winter or what. feel like i need to reset my dials.
yesterday i was thinkin that i'd like to have a month of silence.
seems a bit excessive, but could be radically effective.
no music or vid stimuli. hard to imagine.
i am so addicted to both.

sittin in B&B right now on sunday morning & just thinkin about all of the bs i let swirl around in me & take over.
my out of control crushes and the inability or unwillingness to ask any of these crushes out.
matter of fact ,i sit here looking at one of them right now.
if only i was younger....

two guys are sitting talking about past politics & the iron curtain a couple of tables away & i'm realizing how much that kinda stuff makes me laugh. i've become so awakened to the truth about the veil of politics that i can't even imagine believing that political answers will ever solve everything.
they solve nothing. like bullshit bandaids they are, allowing the wound to turn gangreen under their shallow understanding & care for things.
politics only exist to feed ego, to make people feel that they are involved.
yes, there are some things which do actually manage to work being created & dealt with in this manner, but very few. and really, all political solutions just create more political problems.
politics os of the head.
it is ideological, and can never be what it aims at being because of this.
it is for textbooks & classrooms, for dead minds, minds that are enslaved by history.
if this is not the case, why is it that the same situations keep recycling?
it is due to lack of visionary solutions. it is due to this idea of right & wrong, of identity with ego, with nation, with place, with family even.
all of these walls we put up. separating ourselves, destroying connections. reinforcing otheers thru false notions of what it means to love.
if you really believe that some people are more worthy of love than others, then you do not know what love is!
you have missed it!
love cannot be contained. it has no limits. NONE!!!!!!!
yes, we have to be aware and awake when it comes to sharing, to experiencing, but it is not a limitation.
it does not mean shut off!
it means go deeper. seek empathy. understanding. connection.

i keep finding myself a bit disturbed y how cut off one of myfriends is, doing whatever he can to keep unintended interactions out of his life. headphones as a wall.
walls all over. yet trying to bridge a wall that I'm not so sure he is aware of the consequences of.
cryptic? a little. but for now i leave it at that.
I think i simply need to come to the realization that i am in a position to help him wiht his understanding of what is happening before it is too late.
it involves international affairs, with a very sketchy country.
and i do not think that he wishes to realize the truths behind the government which is helping him realize his project.
the big red C. it is going to be interesting to see how that country acts over the next few years.
hard to believe that people are not wondering why it is that they are attempting to inplement a HUGE language program in the US. they already make the majority of what we buy.
(if that ain't enough clues for ya, i dunno what to say)
so, i aqm trying to figure oout how to open nmy friend up to questioning motives.
it is easy to get caught up in not paying attention to that when one is receiving lots of funding for their programs from this big names in international affairs.
it'a going to be an interesting decade. nuff said.

back to star wars to finish... has anyone realized that in truth that movie is a battle between monotheistic/dualist theology & zen/ non diety based beliefs?
the sith are not much different that yahweh, ya know.
the judaic tradition, including christianity can pretend all they want, but read that frikkin Talmud. one of the first major idealogical acts of genocide was performed by teh followers of YHWH when they took the "holy land" salughtering everyone, including children & taking the virgins of their enemies as their wives.
THIS is the foundation of monotheism.
and the excuse: they were nefilim! offspring of fallen angels.
i don't buy it.
the blasphemous question: what if yahweh is the greatest deceiver ever?
espousing love while spreading the most hateful doctrine ever throughout the world?
is this not exactly what history shows us?
it is why so many morons become atheists.
and it is understandable.
but to simply abandon possobilities of something more because of one horrendous version of "god" is childish.
it is shallow, and those who do so know no depth.
they cannot, as they have built a wall, a limit to what they can believe, what they can perceive.
but at least they have also abandoned the notion of this parentlike figure.
they have simply contracted rather than expanded.
and it is too bad.
i am amused at how the whole "inteligent design" debate has now got BOTH sides of the BS creationism vs. evolution argument all fussy.
maybe we are ready to start growing into a broader discussion.
something with possibilities, with vision, with some life to it.
one can only hope.

enough ranting.

so how many of you did i upset today?

enjoy it. it may be the seed to someething new.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

day of nothing

today...
nothing.
feel empty,
want nothing,
nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me sad,
yet there is some sort of undefinable yearning underneath it all.
a need to connect. to feel. to be.

I'm tired of this feeling, theis stuckness.
even when i accomplish things, it does not stick.
i have been getting great feedback from my myspace music page.
yet this is only a temporary high.
an indicator of direction. pointing in a direction of success, of acceptance, of people enjoying my creativity.
yet today, after leaving work early & coming home before coming over here to B&B to get a sammich, i looked at my music equipment & thought 'why have i been spending so much money on this stuff? am i really going to use it like i think i will? is that even what i really want to do?"

this is the puch/pull struggle that i have inside of me.
there is a huge part of me that wishes to wash all of that away, to let go of any desire to move forward with it.
today, at this moment, it feels so frivolous, meaningless, unimportant.
it is a day when the flame seeks fuel.
when the journey of enlightenment calls constantly.
how to marry these realities.
how to follow that path yet interact in a somewhat normal manner with people.
i am having a difficult time with this right now.

there is an urge to have someone close, to seek a mate, to act on one of my many crushes.
yet i cannot seem to shed this overwhelming feeling that i am not ready, or that i would cause massive damage to anyone who becomes involved with me.
such an interesting feeling i have right now. feeling both lost found at the same time.
but it remains so damn abstract.

what am i doing & why am i doing it?
am i really so self absorbed right now that i will not let anyone in?
or am i simply so busy getting the "in" out that there is no longer an "in" for anyone to enter?
is this what it feels like to experience the dissolution of the ego?

maybe it''s all just simple. really simple. like the fact that i have not been able to take my normal morning showers for over a month due to water pressure problems that for some odd reason margaret willnot take care of even though she can have some very unprofessional tree trimmers come & wreak havok on our huge trees so that she can have a sunnier yard that she will not use at all this winter.

at least i feel like i've come up with some ideas for art projects that excite me.

i mean, what is my problem? why is theis seriousness overwhelming me?
i want to play! to let go! to be free of this sstupid mindset.
of this mind!
yet i feaer if i let go of it, nothing will be done externally.
it will all disappear, and right when it is ripe for moving outward, for success, for recognition, for all of those things that i guess exist really for no other reason than to feed ego.

have i become so caught up in wanting to see things differently than everyone else, to see deeper, to feel deeper, to make connections synthesizing things, that i can no longer relate to the culture i am living in?

the truth is, i think i'm full of shit.
i think i've been spending the last few days confronting all of my hypocricies, all of my errors in who i think i am, who i envision myself to be.
i have become so damn hypersensitive as to how i effect others - to the point where it too often leadsto that fear of hurting others.
i feel childish feeling that way, yet at the same time, feel that it is something that is extremely important for me to work through.
I know that with every revelation, i expandmore, become more loving & aware, and free myself a litle bit more from all of this cultural programming which has been imbedded in my psyche since birth.

i just wanna play dammit!
i need to get over myself, and soon!

and dare i say, seet p, you really did a number on me..i'm only now realizing how much you screwed with my head, either lying to yourself or lying to mehen droppiing me like a hot potato into the fire.
i wish you would have taken more responsibility with your words, your actions, your looks.
no one has looked me in the eyes the way you did, and now here i am hoping that i will feel that again.
i have not found it yet, i will not give up, but it is frustrating.
i wish you would have made the leap.

to all of the new peeps in my life, i greatly appreciate you, you are wonderful & i look forward to getting to know you more & more.
so many wonderful women out there...goddesses.
does one of you want to walk by my side ? ;^)

i;'m not even gonna proofread this one..post away!

Monday, November 14, 2005

flow-er

many small things happenin...
been continuing to slowly work on the new painting.
been spending more time learning how to use Ableton Live & devise my new setup for making music.
speaking of music, i went to see jeremy ellis & john arnold at the Darkroom on friday & it was a great time.
always inspiring to watch them rock out on their MPC's. FREESTYLE!*wink to jeremy*
had a hard time getting myself to be motivated to go on my own, but glad i did, as within 15 minutes of getting there jeremy sat down next to me at the bar & we gt to chat for a bit & i gave him a cd.
having mostly been an outsider, a floater, never part of any particular scene, i'm amazed at how kidlike i sometimes feel when i get the chance to meet those who i like to think of as artistic peers.
i've been spendin too much time at home & not enough time socializing.
feelin a bit retarded in that way...lost social grace or something.
well, not really, but lost my sense, my awareness of the fact that i thrive in those situations if i simply loosen up.

not much else to report...lots of crushes (normal)... still reading lots of bhagwan/osho...
still wondering if i'll find someone willing to put up with a strange fellow such as myself ;^)
not worried about any of it.
just happy to be living & able to be, to express, to smile, and to be lucky enough to see the array of beautiful people that i see within a day.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

back in the visual groove

well, i know it's been a while since i last posted.
simply have not felt like writing for this thing.

yesterday/night was spent painting in a way in which i have not painted in a LONG time.
started at a little after noon and did not really stop except for a few breaks until 2am.
still not quite finished, but here are a few pics:










had no intention when starting this & just went with what the grain of the old drawer bottom told me.
will probably have it finished by the end of the night tonite.
i have 4 more drawer bottoms to paint & love the medium.
time to start hittin the alleys.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

it demands my attention

discipline...
moving my thoughts into flesh.
rebuilding a positive relationship with my body, my vehicle for experience.
as I've moved ever further into the mystical, I've managed to neglect my health.
not completely, but i know that i definitely am not as healthy physically now as i was this time last year.
I was looking at pics side by side & thought DAMN! i look bloated!
it's teh jawline..shows there so much for me.
I have not walked this year like i have over the past few.
I did not even eat that much of what i grew in my garden, but rahter, gave most of it away.

amazing to me that i'm acting in this manner considering one of my good friends is a living example right in front of me, changing his diet & such & managing to lose a good deal of weight over the last year.
cellular memory is a bitch & i need to start reprogramming that shit!

Capoeira has raised it's head in my world again...will i answer the call?
i better! i need to!
i can thnk of nothing better to reconnect me with body, with movement, with life.
i have sat like a rock for too long.
contemplating, burning the inner fires yet not moving that energy outwards in to my physical world.
I think that newfound friends are having & will have a very positive influence in this new movement.

now if i can grow the balls to take action ;)
no more excuses.


why is i fear my own power so much?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Smashed Pillars of Conservatism

way to go Whitley.
yet another great article for everyone, left right & middle.
time to get over those preconceived notions of conservative & liberal and get down to the nitty gritty.
click here to read

clearing it out

I've been purging, slowly, but ever so surely & steadily, all of things things that have accumulated over the years.
moving some of stacie's stuff back into my apartment woke me up to a lot...things that i'd had in the back of my mind & would think a bit about, but not yet want to deal with.

cleansing my home, body, lifestyle...all of it.
i put it off because i become afraid of the power that i know i have when i am at my best.
afraid to shine in a time when those who question things the way i do have a high risk of persecution of the worst kind.
but i guess that is no different from any other time, truth be known.

There's always been a strange calling in me...since i was a young boy.
one which i've never wanted to speak of, due to it's grandiose nature.
yet it feels completely natural to me, and i recognize the same calling in others who have come before, most recently, osho.

I even remember thinking in college, after reading some of V.I. Lenin's works, that there needed to be something new...that all of this pandering to the past...to old dreams of how america was supposedly founded & what democracy & capitalism means, to blanket mindsets of communism and socialism, libertarianism, secularism...allof these comprtmentalized things...
i remember thinking that a goal i had was to synthesize these, and to be visionary...to try to find the flaws, look at it as a problem solver, and attempt to envision a new way, one that surpasses all that has come before.

Too many in the west relax into this thought, this concept that we are at the pinnacle, that there is nothing new to come after this, and i say that not only is this completely false, it is also death incarnate, it is slavery of the worst sort.
It is living in illusion, and it is insanity - doing the same thing over & over & expecting a different result.

I've always walked the middle path, straying to & fro in order to experience differnt ways & thoughts. a year as an ecstatic christian, years studying different esoterica.
totally believing what i am ingesting at the moment in order to empathize, to experience the way/mindset of that which i am ingesting. connecting rather than judging.
oh, sure, there has been a lot of judgement in my life, it's hard to escape it being an aries. i have a tendency towards policing & criticizing. it is my nature.
i knew that long before knowing that the sun sign of aries reinforces this.
this question is can i manage to find the most visionary & creative & constructive channels for this energy?

lately, one question that has loomed huge for me is "why am i having a problem with intimacy when it comes to new people in my life?"
friends, lovers, it matters not. i have had a difficult time commiting to anything other than "the path" lately.
it creates a situation where i do not even attempt to enter into close relationships wiht others due to my challenging way of being. I fear causing them pain, being an asshole, being something other than what they expect due to their cultural conditioning.

it's hard to live in close proximity with people who do not even have the same reality template as you do.
I have met very few who are even close to resonance with me.
i don't know how to deal with it.
when one is trying to give birth to an entirely new world, how can one hold onto the old? how can one even resonate with it?
I've been coming to a point where all of the things that are taken for granted as reality, as how things should be. are becoming false, illusions, control mechanisms.
so many believe that they are there to help us rise above, to become better...but have we really? have they done anything good for us?
we are living in a time where very few realize how disposable they treat the world to be, as if it only exists to serve their immediate needs & that they do not have to take responsibility for anything other than making money.

i do not feel at home in civilization any more.
all of the things that are supposed to be my creative tools even feel like addictions, like they are in so many ways unnatural, even though some of them, such as the internet, are some of the very elements which are making the new reality capable.
our conception of the cosmos, of life, of everything has to broaden, to expand, and to become more empathic.
the connections have been entering back into the realm of science for the last century & people still want to act like it's not happening, still living in an aristotelian/ cartesian world.

all of this mind junk I'm writing right now...even this is a sort of masturbatory thing...but it leads somewhere....

we need to stop getting caught up in the process & remember that although the process is life, what we experience & is so damn rich & full of contradictions, when we reach the other side of the river it's time to abandon the boat.

i may be full of my own illusions, but at least i am aware of it.

i just need to somehow make peace with intimacy again.
with sharing openly in more than simply a friendly manner.
tough to do when i believe that i should have the same love & respect for everyone.
i do not believe that family is any more deserving just because they are family.
i do not believe that community is any more deserving simply because i live there.
it's all connected..everywhere, all time.
why would i ever wish to limit my love?
and if i cannot meet the preconceived notions of what someone else limits love to be, how can i ever be in a "normal" relationship?
so many questions... i must experience even deepr to find the answers.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

who's truth?

the more i ingest, the more i hear, the more i realize just how misguided, shortsighted, and overspecialized most people are.

Too many cannot see past their own agendas.

Too many cannot see past their own spoiled brat attitudes.

Too many believe that others should take care of them so that they do not have to be responsible for themsleves while still thinking that they deserve complete freedom while continuing to act like overgrown children.

I am tired of civilization.

I am tired of its adolescent attitude toward all that is.

I am tired of secular humanism & it's egotistical belief that humans are the most important thing in the universe.

I am tired of organized religions persecuting & attempting to destroy all things mystical & authentic so that they can replace them with parental control psychology.

I am tired of ANYONE who believes that they are immune from criticism.

I am tired of people who believe that interacting is about one person stroking the other so that you can feel good about your own disfunctions instead of it being about us all creating relationships which propel us into self knowledge & growth.

I'm tired of everything in the civilized world being controlled by a financial framework that is not real. If money can be made out of thin air to loan a person so that they can have a car or a plasma tv, then there is no reason that it cannot be made up out of thin air when it is needed for disaster relief.
It's all abstract, so we should be using it to our advantage, not so that it takes advantage of us.

We are not the servants of society, of civilization.
We are the masters.
We created it & we have the right to use it in the way in which we see fit.
Life is an all inclusive creative venture, an art project in which everyone is a potential artist, no matter how good or bad anyone considers them.

Stop thinking of your president, your teacher,your law enforcement officers, your doctor, etc. as your leader(s).
they are NOT.
THEY ARE YOUR SERVANTS.

Where did we get lost?

Oh, yeah, it was the day we put someone in charge of the food....

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Gone

Well, spent the last 2 days helping stacie & thomas move things out of their apartment.
I took a lot of the furniture, which was weird, because I was actually moving it back into my home (I still live where we lived together for 5 years).
sitting that chest of drawers in the spot that it used to find its home in brought tears to my eyes.
so hard to say goodbye to her, I love her so much.
we've grown so damn close over the years.
closer now than ever.
yet here I was once again saying goodbye to her as she rode off in a taxi to the airport, on her way on the next journey.
I hope all goes well for them.
I wish them only the best.

yet deep inside, I know that I really wish she was here with me.

the stress of dealing with this all was made even worse by Margaret, who decided that I was way out of line for having the bench seat from the mini-van in the garage for a day (not in anyone's way, mind you). and besides this, she is blaming me for a roach problem that has developed in the back of the basement & in her apartment.
never mind that she said that she first saw them in her tub & sink (which points to entrance from the sewer), or that out of the "hundreds" she says she's killed, there have been all of 2, yes 2! in my apartment, one by the back door (wish is attached to the basement where she has been seeing them), and one on my counter already dead, right next to the back door.
there were many very frustrated & rather juvenile things that she wrote to me about it all basically saying that it would be my fault if the problem persists.
never mind that what she describes as things stored in the basement that could harbor them includes more of her stored things than mine.
something must be making her feel really out of control right now,cus she's on a self -righteous rampage.
I could go on & on but I will not, it's not worth the effort.
I'll just say that she has a real good knack for being bossy when she wants things her way but shirking responsibility when she does not want to deal with something.
makes me want to move.
very very frustrating.

but so far, today has been calm & quiet. It's been nice.
I hope the day stays that way.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Loss

Here I sit, once again preparing to send stacie on her way, away from me.
We have not been together for about 4 years now, yet I feel that we are closer than we have ever been.
She and her husband Thomas are moving to Berlin.
today is the day in which we are moving their furniture into storage.
I am coming into possession of her book collection & a chest of drawers.
I am grateful, yet at the same time hope that they are not simply a reminder of that which I have had to let go of.
Nothing like having a constant reminder in your bedroom!

this is teh second time that I've had to swallow my feelings for her & let her go on her adventures.
many of you would probably say that I am out of line even thinking such things considering that she is married to someone else, but then, I'd say that you have not experienced the true timeless connection that comes with true love.
it's not about possession, owning, claiming rights...
it is about the sharing that occurs.
simply knowing that she is now going to be across the Atlantic, that we will not be able to look into each other's eyes as we talk.
it makes me sad.
I so want to ask her to stay, but I can't.
we've said what has needed to be said.
we had a wonderful day together last Sunday, and in many ways, I wish that we could just say goodbye at that.
that we would not have the frustrations that come with moving things, with final goodbyes.
I know that we will still be in touch, but it will just not be the same.
once again, I have been a temporary in reality, but a permanent in spirit.
maybe one day the physical sharing will stay, I will become more than a catalyst, a temporary blip in someone's life.

Opportunities have come gone, none of them feeling so natural, well, there was one, but that's another story...

I know things are blossoming for me, if only I could get unstuck from the mud.
my head does, but my life does not.
what I am afraid of, I cannot quite pin down, but I need to stop being afraid.

the time has come to shed the old, to be born into the new & to shine like the sun.

I just need to make it through the next two days....

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Return to dream city


I don't know about the rest of you, but I have a few locations that keep repeating in my dreams.
I intuit that the is one city in particular, and I have to wonder if it is a real place, not necessarily in this dimension, but maybe in another.
is it possible that I am having bleed-over between my multi-dimensional aspects of self?
I like to think so.
Last night I found myself in one of the areas of this city again. It is getting to the point that I can actually map certain locations - I can feel the layout and I know where the location I was in is in relation to other areas from other dreams.

the scenario last night was one in which a friend asked if I could substitute teach for him. I agreed not thinking about the fact that I do not have a college degree which would allow me to do so. When I realized this, the dream changed directions.
I was on a street that reminded me of the south loop end of Michigan Ave. here in Chicago.
As I turned onto a sidestreet, the level dropped, and I was all of a sudden in an area that seemed to be for driving instruction. I crossed this area & ended up in a small complex that was a couple of restaurants. One was more round in layout & had something to do with clowns, ice cream & hamburgers. haha.
I walked thru them & exited onto a street that went downhill into a mare familiar area that had more of a familiar feel.
When I got to the bottom of the hill I realized upon looking back that I knew the area. This is the point in which dreams collided.
I realized that the hill I had just come down is one that leads out of the city into a heavily wooded area, one that I have the feeling is still wilderness. I also know that before the dense woods there is another small town at the top of that long hill that has many shops, of the independent kind...a general store, a shop of esoterica that I had visited before for I don't remember what, along with a few other places. Kind of the last stop before leaving civilization.

From where I was standing in the intersection at the bottom of the hill, there is also a major entry to an interstate type of road that splits into two levels.
I remember traveling the upper level before. The entire passage skirts one side of this city. I cannot quite explain the layout here, but the exits & entrances are a little bit confusing. I can see them in my head & can probably even draw them, but at the same time, it seems that all of them do not exist at once, but only as being observed, very much as quantum physics says that particles exist.

oh, I forgot about the semi dilapidated house which I passed by on my way from the restaurant to the road. In this yard, and crossing a type of bridge that was more like crossing a log. If I remember correctly, it was crossing a small ravine like situation. As I crossed it, there were 2 African American males coming from the other direction, both of which were dressed like Baptists & singing songs of praise. As we met & said hello, they asked about my necklace - an osho mala, and when I began to explain to them what it represents, I could feel them turn off/shut down, as if I could actually witness the brain function switch off in protection of that which they believe. A wall was erected, so to speak, and they turned & went on their own way, continuing as if they had never crossed my path at all.

back to the intersection...

well, unfortunately, at the point I made connections, my alarm went off. Of course, this may also be the only reason I remember all of this so vividly.

maybe I should start mapping out this world on paper. Maybe even paint it.
I wonder how much of it I can bring back into this realm & if there happens to actually be a place or will be a place where this exists in this material world.

In the past, I also remember a huge town square area that reminded me of "eastern block" countries. It was a huge t-shaped plaza with a huge pale salmon colored building at front & center.
I remember military action happening, tanks to be precise, or huge vehicles that were similar to tanks.
I was on foot, trapped in a sense, when all of a sudden woman which I felt intensely in tune with popped out of the top of one of the vehicles & called me to her in order to get me in there & out of harms way.
I do not remember any more details of that dream than that (the dream was at least a few years ago), except for the fact that when I awoke from that dream, that was the first time that I realized the repetitive nature of this city.

It may be time for me to start practicing lucid dreaming, to start exploring & attempting to figure out just what is goin on here.

so very interesting & intriguing.
I want to know what that city is & just what it means to me.
I can feel it's importance.
it feels more important than this world which we tend to consider the more real.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

ready, set ,go!

and we're off...
more earthchanges & drastic weather rearing it's head.
get ready folks...
nature is gettin ready to smakc us & let us know that no matter what we may say or believe, we have NOT stepped free of evolution.
We are being shown just how poorly designed our way of life is.
it is not in tune with nature and the natural cycles, and since this is the case, we suffer & break instead of bend & dance.

in other news...
rockin a new iBook as of yesterday & am finally able to run my audio programs the wya they are supposed to run! whoohoo!
chose the iBook instead of powerbook for both cost effectiveness & ruggedness.
this means the following: new website design coming, dj mixes to be uploaded (finally!), and a basic movement forward on the digital creative front.

for now, it's back to work...

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Yahoo complicit in the rounding up of Chinese dissidents

as if the ever expanding google empire is not scary enough...
from the unknowncountry.com newsletter:

Yahoo has been accused of turning over information to the Chinese police that has led to the imprisonment of a Chinese reporter for ten years, for allegedly transmitting state secrets abroad.

The reporter, Shi Tao, transmitted information about an official document outlining media restrictions ahead of the 15th anniversary of the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre, according to Reporters Without Borders.

According to Reporters Without Borders, Yahoo is known to collaborate with China in tracking down dissidents, and fully co-operates with Chinese authorities in giving them full access to supposedly private material on Yahoo's Chinese sites.

The company collaborates with this totalitarian regime because China is a lucrative market

read more about it here

Monday, September 05, 2005

encounters

well, this sure was an interesting weekend.
spent friday night running errands & cleaning.
felt good to get things done before the weekend started.

saturday proved to be a little trying.
I found out that stacie is moving to berlin with her husband thomas.
I guess i just don't like the idea of being so far away from her.
she's been one of the most important people in my life for so long.
I'm glad i got to share the times we have as both partners and as friends.
we spent most of the day & evening together and it was really nice.
I'm going to miss her more than i can express.

sunday had its interesting moments as well.
I think I saw pete.
i've always wondered when that would happen.
I was actually a bit amused by it, probably because it did not effect me at all, and i had thought that it would.
happened on the el & he decided to get on the car in front of me when he saw me. (as he was transferin from the red to brown lines)
at least i think that was him....
he probably thinks that i still have plans to come try to steal sweet p away from him.
no worries pete, i've let it go.
i still care, but i've relinquished the desire.
later this month it will be a year since patricia & i last saw wach other or spoke to one another.
i miss her, but I'm not all depressed about it .
it was an amazing experience to get to spend the time with her that i did.
I hope both of them are well.
i hope both of them are happy.

so many intense experiences occuring for so many people these days.
i wish great strength to us all.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

reports of Cannibalism In New Orleans

well, I guess we can't really be surprised at this.
Survival is survival.
Cannibalism in New Orleans

anotha new song posted

I just finished uploading my newest song to my myspace page
It's called "Belly Full of Butteflies (How I feel When I Look In Your Eyes)"
makes me think of mouse on mars collaborating with 4hero or something like that.
I hope you enjoy!
I'm having so much fun with the ESX!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

what gives?

ok, so i sit here watching CNN coverage of new orleans and....
well, i'm hearing something that seems a bit stupid to me.
They are trying to stop looting, while at the same time saying that there is no food or supplies.
hellooooooo.....
what they heck do you think people are looting for?
let's see...why don't we let everything rot in the stores...or maybe just let it sit there for a few months getting ruined so that someone can claim it as property.
pardon me, but i think that the survival of those that are still there is a whole lot more inportant than maintaining some bullshit capitalist notion of property while people are suffering & needing supplies & a way out.
now, saying this, i'm not ignoring the fact that there are probably some selfish screwheads out there that are wanting to steal non survival items, but, hey, remember...they can't really take them anywhere, so what's it matter?
an item under water is an item under water no matter where is is in locality.
Lives are the only things that should matter.
if there is going to be ANY concentration on physical items, it should be on collecting all of the most toxic things that are going to harm the ecosystem by being introduced.
i mean, we've already pretty much killed the gulf of mexico.

to hell with property. let people take what they need to survive until they can get outa that place.

could this be our first big test of how we deal with increasing earth changes?
will we learn the lessons we need to? (like not to build a city in a bowl next to a major body of water?)

my heart is with everyone effected & in this event.
may existence be with you in your time of need.

Monday, August 29, 2005

relative

what a morning...katrina hittin N.O.
and i find out that one of the best guys here at work got his head cracked open by a mugger with a baseball bat this weekend. sigh.
I ws short on the phone with C today too, as she was seeking a sympathetic ear about the destruction of so much beauty down in N.O.
i wasn't very sensitive, with all of the stuff on my mind, to tell ya the truth, i didn't really give a shit about a bunch of buildings in comparison with having someone that i know laid up in the hospital in god know;s what condition.
but i did not have a chance to even tell her about that, so i simply came across as insensitive, i'm sure.

as for the rest of the weekend, it was interesting & a nice surprise.
had a couple of awesome dinners with bob & co. including a trip to chinatown & to libertyville.
he's doing a taping of "check , please" today & reviewing the dinners.
he's also going to have a national news story done on the chinese language program that he is heading.
too cool.

spent sunday worling on music & watching a Celebrity Fit Club 2 marathon.
makes me wanna get in shape seein that bunch gettin discipline.
gotta say that i am a little enamored with tocarra jones right about now. hehe.
what a sweet smile.
and what a bunch that is on that show!

the garden is producing lots of grape tomatoes & a few romas. cukes too.
i've been feelin a little lazy about goin out there & watering it though.

just finished the rajneesh book on Krishna & i think it's the best one i've read yet. the last bit is from the first time he gave witness to sannyas.
very good stuff.

i feel like taking a nap.
too bad i've gota work some more...
oh well...at least i still have a home.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

osho makes me laugh

so many ways in which this freako enriches my life.
wish he were still enbodied so i could meet him.
then again...i feel like i already know him intimately.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

imitation as the ultimate crime

The following is an excerpt from
"Krishna, The Man and His Philosophy"
by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (aka osho)

"... Imitation in itself is unnatural and ugly and wrong.
In this whole world no two persons are alike, the same; they cannot be.
Each person is different, unique, and incomparable. There is no way to compare you with any other person in the whole world. You are like you; you are you.
Never a person like you has happened in the long past of mankind, and never one like you is going to happen again in the future.
God is a creator; he is creativity itself; he is always original, and whatever he creates is original.
He never makes a carbon copy; he has no use for carbon papers in the whole process of creation.
He never repeats; you cannot accuse him of repetition.
And therefore,
if you deny your individuality and try to follow and be like somebody else, you are violating the fundamental law of life.
Imitation is a crime against God.

He made you an individual and you are trying to be somebody's copy.
he gave you individuality, and you are trying to impose somebody else's personality on yourself, an alien personality.
This is the basic fear and fundamental problem of our life.

Up to now all religions of the world have taught imitation.
Parents and teachers all over the world exhort young men and women from their early childhood to be like others; they never ask them to be like themselves, to be themselves.
They insist to you, "Be like Krishna, Christ or Buddha, but never commit the mistake of being like yourself."
Why?
How is it that all educational institutions in the world teach you to be imitators and they never ask you to be yourself?

There are good reasons for it.
The most important reason is that if everyone becomes himself, he will be a free individual, a rebel - not a conformist, a camp follower.
He will be a danger to the institutions of parents, teachers, priests, managers of society, and to society itself.
Every society is afraid of non-conformists and rebels. It honors the conformists, the yes-sayers.
That is why everybody, from the president down to the parents pressures children, with one voice, to be followers, imitators.
Otherwise they can't be certain who will turn into what.

There is no danger if you become like Rama, because everything about Rama is known, what he does and what he does not do. He is predictable.
And if you become another Rama you will be as predictable, and society will know what you are going to do. And if you deviate from the outlined path they will declare you an outlaw and punish you.

If everyone is allowed to be himself, then it will be difficult to say what is right and what is wrong, what is virtue and what is sin.
Therefore the society wants you to fit into its well-defined patterns and clear-cut molds.
It does not care if by this effort your individuality is destroyed, your life is ruined, and your soul is impoverished.
Its sole concern is to turn men into machines so that the status quo is maintained at any cost.

It seems man lives for society, society does not exist for man.
The individual has no importance; he is just a cog in the societal machine.
It seems education is not meant for man; on the contrary, man is meant for education, for being educated the way the society wants.
It seems tenets and doctrines are not made to serve man; on the contrary, man is born in the service of tenets and doctrines.
It seems religion is not for man; man is for religion.
It is ironic that man is not an end unto himself, he is just a means.
And things that are meant to be means have become ends unto themselves.
This is the danger. This is the curse of imitation, that man has been reduced into a thing, a non-entity.

Imitation is destructive, it kills the individual.
And this danger is inner, spiritual; it is not circumstantial.
It is a kind of slow poisoning.
Whether you imitate Krishna or Buddha, it makes no difference; all imitation is suicidal.

There is no mold, no pattern, no type into which man can be fitted.
Every person is a unique and different individual, and he is meant to be himself.
It is his freedom, his birthright."

new song

well, i just posted the first song that i made with the toy that is pictured in the last post. it's on my myspace page here
a tasty mid tempo electro funk treat.
i apologies to maestro vibert for the unintended aping!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

drivin life



a thought....

The Ego is a component, one element of the vehicle, not the driver.
it may serve a very important purpose during certain maneuvers,
but it does not determine where & how the vehicle travels.
It is merely an ally in the process...
kinda like power steering.
the same could be said for the mind.
it is like the "brainbox" of the car.
it may keep the electrical systems running,
all of the cylinders firing,
but it alone is not in control,
it in turn is being controlled by the driver,
which is "beyond" it.
and the driver, in turn, is separate from the vehicle,
entering & exiting it as needed.
together all of the components mesh in a synthesis.
this synthesis allows action, motion, time/space changes
and the ability to experience all of these things.
but we should never forget that the driver is not the vehicle.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Sannyaspin

Just a quick one today to let y'all know that i just posted a rough version of my newest song over on my Myspace music page.
You can both stream it and download it.
here's the link
the song will auto start & there are controls on the player.

Monday, August 01, 2005

notta

I've been takin some time off from the mind and all of that & concentrating on the garden, making music, mixin songs, and to tell ya the truth, I've been playin a lot of Star Wars Battlefront.
gotta have some fun, ya know?

I seem to be heading into a very lucrative time of my life, that's for sure.
unexpected messages from unknown people...all good, all inspiring.
it's truly amazing how this internet thingy can really connect people that are far away from each other.
for those that get all bent out of shape about it not being in the flesh, i say to you...PLURALISM!
this isn't taking away that possibiity, but helping it grow more expansive.
we get to explore a bit more, exchange idea, creations, etc.
it's wonderful and I'm lovin it.

I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to manage to upgrade my computer world.
my old first gen snow ibook is just not cutting it for the musical app's. matter of fact, neither is my graphite era 500Mhz G4 desktop.
If I'm really gonna get serious about my music, I'm gonna have to invest, and I hate spending that much money.
even more than that, i hate debt, and there is no way that i can afford to get the kind of powerbook I'd need to do the job by paying for it upfront in cash.
ya see...i don't do credit cards. I have a prepaid that acts like a debit card, and i got that simply to make my life easier when it comes to online stuff.
and let me tell you, it's made things a LOT easier.
I gues at some point I'll end up getting a CC again, but I'm not looking forward to it.
I don't like banks. they are sinister, the most sinister of ALL institutions.
if you want to know why i believe this, simply educate yourself about fiat lending...they only actually have 10% of anything they loan, which means that 90% of what you borrow is created out of thin air.
think about that...i mean...really think about that...
that means that, not including interest, 90% of what a bank gets paid back on loans was nothing more than numbers punched into a computer.
but ya better believe that if you do not pay it back, they will take REAL physical wealth, such as property.
it's a black hole. there is NEVER more coming out of a bank than there is coming in.
once again, think about this...it means that banks are designed to collect all of the assets of a culture. they are eating machines.
anyway....
it's a real pain in the ass not liking or wanting to use banks, that's for sure.

I suppose I'm gonna have to do that too at some point.
especially if I'm gonna start traveling more, which is something tht i am feelin comin into my life.
Invites keep coming in.
I feel like I am becoming internationsl without even having to leave my home...yet another interesting aspect of the wired world.

all i know is that these are damn interesting times we're livin in.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

more on CODEX

follwing is a link to a pdf file of a flyer that may help you and others understand the truth about the new CODEX standard, which has already been implemented in a few european countries & has been slipped into the CAFTA treaty.
this is VERY IMPORTANT
IT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING YOU ARE READING ABOUT TERRORISTS.
here is the link to the flyer
for more info go here

share your all-oneness


"...But the real love is not an escape from loneliness,
the real love is an overflowing aloneness.
One is so happy in being alone that one would like to share;
happiness always wants to share.
It is too much, it cannot be contained;
like the flower cannot contain its fragrance,
it has to be released"
-osho

Sunday, July 24, 2005

beyond repression




"Up to now, humanity has been schizophrenic
because you have been told to repress, to reject,
to deny, many parts of your natural being.
And by rejecting them, by denying them, you cannot destroy them
they simply go underground.
They go on functioning from your unconscious;
they become really more dangerous. "
-osho

are you ready for the dark night?




well, I've kept the political & conspiracy posting to a minimum lately, but I've just gotta make a post about the latest London bullshit.

We have now seen the true colors of the future of the "anti-terrorist" New World Order agenda, and it includes cold blooded termination of innocents with NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

I mean truly...think about this...as if it was happening to YOU.
You are on the subway & you see someone running for the train.
Behind them are a bunch of people that you might assume to be plain clothes officers, but in no way shape or form are they identifiable as anything other than people with guns. Understand this fully. THEY FEEL NO NEED TO EVEN PROVE WHO THEY ARE TO YOU.

When they catch up with the individual running, two of them pin him down so that he cannot move, and then shoot him five times while he is utterly defenseless. No questions, no nothing, just outright blatant cold blooded murder.

For anyone that does not believe that this is the mindset of the whole show, you are going to have an unbelievably rude wake up call the day they come to your door, to your work, or hassle you in a public venue.
you are now officially the enemy of the state.

anyone that stands in their way is going to be dealt with with nothing but pure hate.

I firmly believe that this is the beginning of a state of being in the world which most are not at all prepared to believe to be reality.
a world where made up news is handed out free in front of mass transit stations, vanity becomes a focus point, and all the pussies that don't like what's happening start talking about fleeing.
well, guess what, there is not going to be anywhere to flee to ya idjuts.
this is it, the BIG SHOW.

You may not want to believe it, but this is the culmination of thousands of years of creating culture & civilization. It is a set up, designed to enslave the entirety of humanity.(if you do not believe this, trace the history of royal bloodlines.)
sound over the top? yeah it does.
but guess what, if we don't start to question it & work & play towards freedom RIGHT NOW, it's too late.
Those who are weak will be trampled.
those who stand tall are our only hope.
It would take days of writing to explain the whole scenario to you.
instead i will point you in a few directions.
some of you may have looked there, others refuse to go...
but the first thing you must do in order to move past your slavery, to be free from the prison , is to DROP YOUR LABEL.being a liberal is being an idiot, being a conservative is being an idiot, being political is being a slave.Politics was not created by or for the people. it was created in order to instill a sense of duty & action in the pople so that the illusion of democracy can be upheld.
and remember, freedom CANNOT come through equality. Equality only brings rules, regulations, and limitations tro those who would otherwise rise higher. let those that are capable of this expansion, of this growth,be the guides for those who would choose to have everyone remain mediocre. We all have the POTENTIAL to be equal, but never all at once. all reach the highest heights in their own time. equality must be born, grown & nurtured. It cannot be externally enforced.

only through individuality, through your own experienced truth,through your own blossoming into a greater, more expanded & empathic being will you be set free.

all groups, organizations, are corruptible, even more so that the individual.
get an individual into a large group & it's easy to make them believe & act in any way you want.
get people to sign a petition & give you money & you psychologically disarm them from taking direct action.
you are doing a disservice.

this is the darkest post i've made in quite awhile & rightfully so.
here is the news article which catalyzed it (which i'd felt this to be the truth from the beginning): click here

i have to wonder though, in these times, how many really have the strength it is going to take to get thru this, to transform the darkness by bringing it back into the light.
remember this...in the judeo-christian tradition, the falling of lucifer was one of separation from the one, not from yahweh, the great deceiver & genocidal maniac who pretended to be god, but from the one that is all things.
The only path to truth is through the reintegration of the luciferian way back into the one, bringing those who feel separate back into advaita, the concept of being connected to the divine, and that there is absolute freedom in this, as it is an infinite expression with no limits.
matter of fact, the luciferians are NOT separate from god, matter of fact, they are merely expressing one aspect of the one.
it is this illusion, delusion, that they are separate or must be separate that thrusts them forward on their misguided mission to control all that is.
don't underestimate this...
they want to control EVERYTHING!
everything as property, including the weather! control of all aspects of the material world.
this is nothing more than the absolute worship of the ego, the false self.
it is the most faithless, cowardly way of being, yet those that act in this manner consider themselves to be the strongest of the strong.

although i do not really like the idea, maybe it is time to pay attention to that oh so unpleasant discourse between Krishna & Arjuna on the battlefields of the Mahabharata.

at what point do those on the side of the light decide that we too must use the dark night in order to keep those who wish to enslave the world at bay?
more importantly, will you recognize that the side which portrays itself as the righteous is just like the empire of Star Wars? that it guides both sides for its own agenda? that the entire conflict is manufactured towards a specific goal, namely a globalized state of total control & a manufactured, homogeneous & enslaving culture & civilization?
unless we recognize this, plurality will be suppressed, which MUST lead directly to evolutionary catastrophe, as diversity is the only thing which ensures survival.

right here, right now, i will give a way out to those who wish to control, a way in which they need not change.
get off my planet.
if you wish to completely control everything around you & live in a virtual world, then create it in space.
you have no right to take over a planet.
you have no right to determine the fate of a living system, i.e. a planet.
if you refuse to live in symbiosis with it, you should be thrown offworld.

so, for those of you that have gotten this far in the post, i say to you, inquire in the following & you will see the truth if you are willing to simply open your eyes.
ask about the multitudes of dead microbiologists, ask about the Codex standard which will take away your right to purchase vitamins & herbs freely, ask about terminator seed technologies, ask about chemtrails & weather modification, ask about HAARP, ask about our true origins, ask about planet x, ask about the reptilians, the dracos, the annunaki, enki, enlil, the whole bunch...
understand that the weird stuff can be understood as a metaphor in order to understand what is meant, you do not have to believe it to be reality.
look around you.
you pretend that you have real freedom, that it will always be so.
but you have NEVER had it.
it must be cultivated.
if you believe what you were told to believe when you were a child, you have no belief, you have a program. you did not choose it, it was chosen for you & imposed upon you.
no one can have authentic beliefs unless they have come to them of their own accord.
otherwise, they are false, inauthentic, and a form of enslavement.

there, i've vented, i've stated maybe too much.
my biggest question to you and to myself is this:
Will we be willing to drop our obsession with self entertainment when we are called to action? and how long exactly do we plan to wait?