Wednesday, April 27, 2005

increasing transparency (updated)

Yesterday one of my closest friends was totally taken aback at how open i am on this blog. It kinda scared her. It made me start to think about transparency, and the call that is being made for it.

So many are starting to demand transparency in their leaders, in the government & in corporate organizations, yet these same people refuse to have transparency in their own lives.
Their are definitely major privacy issues these days. It seems that no matter where one turns, businesses and other draconian forms of organization want your information. It has become an obsession. Many like to think that this is a good thing, that it will lead to better goods & services. What they fail to realize is that in no way shape or form is this the prime motivating factor in this mad dash to learn everything about you and to implement the ability to track your purchases, your movements, etc.
It is all profit & exploitation related. Once again, we find that the false idol of "The Economy" is worshipped without question.
Sure there are the few that stand up against or refuse to participate on at least subtle levels, but how many of us simply REFUSE to participate?

I myself spent quite a few years extracting myself from the info-flow. no credit card, bank account, preferred customer cards... I always figured who the hell has the need to know what i spend where i spend it, etc. etc.
recently i started using a prepaid mastercard. for the simple fact that there are so many things that one cannot even get access too without such a form of identification. also using paypal, as ebay & auction seems to be a transaction system that is as close to bartering as the current capilast system seems to manage.
Here's the thing. I may use such technology - to my own advantage, but i have absolutely NO qualms with dropping it immediately if need be. In other words, I am not enslaved to the technology, I am not totally reliant.heck i've even started gardening & walking long distances so that i do not even HAVE to rely completely on anyone outside of myself to survive - or at least i am developing a relationship with these technologies of self reliance. Now I know that there is no such thing as complete independence, it's not how the world works, it's about symbiosis. but there IS a type of relationship with reality that is based on this symbiotic relationship and it does not include the myth of scarcity which we have surpassed.

So anyway, back to my main point about privacy:
It seems to me that one of the most effective ways to combat the whole debate of privacy is to live as an open book, without fear.
People seem to miss the whole point about the privacy issue. They believe it is about the need to not have to share. I don't believe this is true. I think it is in actuality about the fear of repercussions for living how one wants to live in a society that proscribes some very particular ways of being.
Now, if we recognize THIS, we can start to get somewhere, we can get to the heart of the matter.
People poopoo technologies all of the time because of the chance that they can be used as control structures rather than as tools of positive progress. We must always remember, it is NOT necessarily the technology that is the problem, but the way in which it is used.
A while back I rstarted reading a book called "The End of Privacy" by Charles Sykes. I had to stop readin the dang thing because the author is so asleep!
The one thing that put me off is the fact that he believes that all of our relationships are defined mainly (and he stated it more in lines with this being the SOLE way) by who we are willing to tell what, who we are willing to share with. That we love certain people because we trust in their privacy, that they will not pass on to others that which we share. This is not love, this is like a business relationship!
To this i say...if you live like this, if your relationships are based on such shallow ideologies, you are not even you!
You are nothing but a persona, a false mask that you are presenting to the world. How is it that you can expect honesty, compassion, honor, trust,respect, or depth to anything in life if you are not willing to be truthful about yourself NO MATTER WHAT?
You are just an actor, not a realized human.
Do not get me wrong, there is nothing WRONG in this, it is simply a TRUTH. It is a spot along the path, and all of us make our own way up the mountain, some following the path of others that have come before, others creating their own trails that may only be tread once, or may be retread by those who follow. We are all examples to others and must take responsibility as such, while still attempting to maintain our own authenticity.
It is a great dance! we should rejoice in it, not be frightened! but then again, very fact that so much risk is involved hightens the entire experience. Move through the fear, embrace it, and you will come out the other side wiser, more expansive, and understanding more about yourself and others.
Repress it, deny it, curl up in fear and you simply stay static, as if dead.
It is not easy to make the step into the truth, into the awakened state. it is a tough road, but one that is necessary for the very survival of our species.
not everyone is ready, not everyone is willing, but we must at least stop pretending that we are being real, that we are being our "selves" when we are projecting nothing but illusions that we wish others to believe about ourselves and that we ourselves wish to believe as well.
This only compounds & perpetuates the problems that we have. The less we dialogue in an open manner with each other, the fewer chances we have to live experiences that help us grow and transform.
We have become so afraid of ridicule, of being rejected, of being thought of as mad, that we have abandoned our true selves, we have handed them over to those who wish to define the types of realities that we are able to experience. We have handed them over to the weakest so as not to hurt anyone's feelings.
We can move forward with our own spiritual evolution and be compassion at the same time. These things are not mutually exclusive.
Only through our own opening can we truly find freedom.
Only through awakening to our own individual true natures can we find that which we are all really hungry for. Only in this way will our actions & being come from authenticity rather than surface programming.
It is there inside of all of us, we simply need to recognize it.
So, to be truly beyond the fear of being controlled by information, we must move beyond it, we must simply tell "them" that we don't care what they think of us, that we will be who we want to be unabashedly. otherwise, how can one even begin to think that they are part of a true democracy or a culture of freedom?
The time has come for childish rules to be abandoned in favor of deeper understanding and deeper relationships.
the only way any you will create or get to experience a world that is about growth, love, compassion and plurality is if YOU make the steps towards it. and do not get me wrong here, i mean YOU specifically.
Stop waitng for someone else to make the first move.
You are responsible for your own world. so know that you are blessed, that you are divine, and that your expression is no less important or meaningful than anyone else's. Just remember that in the end, even your self is an illusion, and that you and I are one and the same, like tips of waves on the ocean.
so, knowing that, what is there really to be afraid of? your problems are mine & mine are yours. we're all in this together, so have faith in life. surrender. let that big ego go, recognize it as nothing more than a tool for interaction. it is NOT YOU, just a part of your being which you need to communicate, nothing more.
know you are beloved.
know that you are blessed.
and love yourself, be your own best friend & have compassion for your failed experiments. We are all learning, practicing, becoming.
It's okay to stumble, to feel negative, to fail.
Do not be so attached.
and remember most of all, sin is not doing something wrong, it's simply missing the mark. So like a zen archer, practice, develop alertness, and do not concentrate so much on the actual shot as to the process of it's becoming & realization. In this you may find the key to your own transformation.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

infinite techniques, infinite possibilities

Here i sit, attempting to figure out which way is out (there is no up or down only in & out - think about it cosmically!)
My whole life is become a technique for transmutation, and I don't quite know what to make of it. How does one maintain normal relationships or passing friendships when EVERYTHING becomes a vehicle for enlightenment & awakening?
I can't quite figure it out.

As I recently posted, there has been quite the influx of new people into my life, especially women. But I must also mention that I am also finally meeting some men that i enjoy spending time with too. This is even bigger than the girls. I have a very difficult time finding men that i actually get along with on a steady basis & wish to hang out with. Don't get me wrong, there are some great men who have been in my life, i just usually prefer the company of the ladies.
so, anyway...

I've discovered my latest lesson.
there are way too many similarities between the new (S) and the old (P).
For those of you who have been readin this for some time, you are probably at least a little bit familiar with my whole drama with Sweet P. (Who i'll refer to simply as P.)
I've noticed quite a few similarities between her & S. an almost manic need to organize, an awesome & inspiring way of checkin me on things (ever had someone criticize you & it actually turns you on?). They even have a very similar bodytype & are about the same age with P. being only slightly older. One HUGE difference though is like night & day. one outgoing (S.) one not so much (P.).
It almost feels as if I've been given a retry. A chance to be able to feel so wonderfully & ecstatically attracted to someone and learn how to let that simply be a friendship without needing to feel & express my own desire to be with that person. I failed miserably with that lesson with P. Now, I need to make sure that I do not do the same with S.
I think I've simply been single for WAY too long.
It makes me start to believe that when i DO find someone that resonates, it may be the last one I'll ever find.
I keep reminding myself that we are moving into a time when outstanding people are multiplying in a way that is staggering. People are waking up all over.
If they have yet to implement their new lessons in their lives, they certainly have the stuff bouncing around inside of them.
One of the main reasons I wish to nurture this new friendship with S. is because she is so damn inspiring to me. What she refers to as her OCD to me represents a type of discipline & ability to organize that is seriously lackin in my life. I guess in a way I simply hope to learn by her example. Maybe by simply being in her presence & witnessing her, I can learn through osmosis.
She is such a busy being. theater rehearsals, tons of friends, I wonder if there is even room for me in her life beyond our nice lil breakfast at B&B.
I think I may simply need to except that for what it is & simply enjoy.
Souns like a good plan to me.
I just need to let all good things come my way in their own time.
Sometimes it's so easy to forget that it's only when we surrender to life that we truly live.

On a side note, Friday I had Dinner at the Grind with TheMan and I'm sure our conspiracy & hermetically themed conversations made everyone around us think we were a little nutso. but that's cool, cus it was awesome to have someone to have the conversation with! We also watched a hilarious interview by Conservative Christian Bob Larson(with some good points thrown in)with Zena LaVey of The Satanic Church and the one eared Nikolas Shreik of the Werewolf Order. lotsa fun. oh, and i finally got to see the awesomely artistic inside of a G5.

On Saturday I went to Sonotheque to see I.G. Culture (a founding father of my favorite West London Broken Beat Scene) spin & ended up having an interesting talk with this guy Bill that covered such topics as Osho, The Landmark Foundation, The Spanish Civil War, and more. a nice unexpected interaction.
I also managed to get a cdr of my newer songs I'm workin on into the hands of mista I.G. Culture. That made me feel blissful as i left.

Sunday I simply woke up late, went for a walk, got some grub & started watching teh Sci Fi channel's Dune miniseries on dvd.

enough for now... i hope everyone out there is doing well.
many blessings to all of you!

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

the politics of attraction

well, well, well...
for some reason i just stay away from this thing lately.
don't miss it much to tell you the truth.

this last weekend, i had quite a bipolar time. flippin out over feelings & issues that had been swept under the rug & brought forth by a new presence in my life, and having an extremely therapeutic gardening session.

I've had so many absolutely wonderful people come into my life over the lasst few months, the majority of them female. I love women, pure & simple. not in the I've gotta bed 'em way, but in the i Love to spend time with them way. maybe it's because i grew up with 3 sisters, i dunno, but i enjoy them immensely. there's something there that men just do not usually seem to have. mostly, a willingness to go deep & be personal.

one of the amazing things I've been witnessing is just how much these new women (and a few men) have been very much a mirror to myself. in them i've seen many many sides of myself reflected, things needing to be nurtured, things that need to be dropped, things that have nagged at me for years,and fears that i have that don't crop up until exactly when you don't want them to.
this mirror, what it helps show me is that i am developing an empathy that moves ever deeper. when i see these things in the mirror, it keeps judgement at bay, because i can see myself in the other - the connection - the truth. It's something that we ALL need to develop more of in these times, when we feel so separated from one another all too easily. It does not even have to be the actual presence of the other that causes the feeling, but the simple knowing of that divine connection that runs through us, that ability to see ourselves in others, and them in us.

I am one who does not move forward unless my intuition screams yes, especially with relationships. it must feel absolutely natural, i must feel at home.
In meeting so many new women, i've definitely been blessed with a more in depth understandinig of exactly what it is that i seem to look for in that special someone. it's not that i have a list, or that i have rules, but there are nonetheless certain things that i am pulled towards again & again, & the older i get, the more obvious my attractions become to me.
that said, i recently met someone who is the first girl in a couple of years that i've come straight out & told that i am attracted to her. it stunned me a bit to do it, and brought up a lot of security issues that i'm working through. it amazed me what it brought up from inside me & how it freaked me out, if only for a day or 2.
I really really like this girl & there seems to be a flow of language between us that is both natural & understood. i like that... a lot.
but of course, there are politics...involving coworkers (of hers not mine), one in particular. Someone that i was hanging out with & that i just started to feel wrong about - different incompatible views, and a shallowness to the similarities that is not where i am now, but where i was maybe 10 years ago. we just see things differently and are in different places, but she does have her cool aspects too.
but issues have arisen out of it & i don't want to cause problems in their workplace, so i'm trying to be as patient good & aware as i can be given the's tough...having to pass a frikkin note so there's not an uproar because we're all sitting at the table for the morning gathering at B&B together. hoping for those few moments when i have a chance to be one on one with the girl that keeps making me want to kiss her...just so we can speak without political ears's goofy.
but i definitely know that i want to explore the feelings that i am discovering for this new girl.
i feel like i'm writing a frikkin john hughes movie, but it's my life!

so, i don't know what's gonna happen, but i think i've found a new compadre if nothing else.
now i've just gotta figure out how to allot my time to everyone & still maintain all of the things i need for myself!
a tough one to figure out.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

bad poster...bad

yeah, well...i haven't been much interested in posting lately.
here's the latest...
helped with set design painting last weekend & got a nice sunburn :)

made the move to cellular after saying for a long time i never would.
the expence of my landline was just too great.
i don't lose internet due to using a cable modem, so it's all good.
now i just have to deal with being bombarded by microwaves (although not much worse than your standard cordless phone)

also, i'd recommend renting "the Corporation" watched it last night & it's a very good presentation of what a corporation is & how they work & are designed. very very cool documentary.

heading downstate this weekend to see my mom & sister & her family. it'll be nice to see them all (have not seen them since christmas).

not much else to say today. been listening to wacky webradio & just won a lot of 23 bhagwan shree rajneesh books, so i'll have plenty of reading for the next half year ;)

hopefully i'll be inspired to write more soon. i'm just likin my silence right now. feels good. liberating.