Tuesday, April 19, 2005

the politics of attraction

well, well, well...
for some reason i just stay away from this thing lately.
don't miss it much to tell you the truth.

this last weekend, i had quite a bipolar time. flippin out over feelings & issues that had been swept under the rug & brought forth by a new presence in my life, and having an extremely therapeutic gardening session.

I've had so many absolutely wonderful people come into my life over the lasst few months, the majority of them female. I love women, pure & simple. not in the I've gotta bed 'em way, but in the i Love to spend time with them way. maybe it's because i grew up with 3 sisters, i dunno, but i enjoy them immensely. there's something there that men just do not usually seem to have. mostly, a willingness to go deep & be personal.

one of the amazing things I've been witnessing is just how much these new women (and a few men) have been very much a mirror to myself. in them i've seen many many sides of myself reflected, things needing to be nurtured, things that need to be dropped, things that have nagged at me for years,and fears that i have that don't crop up until exactly when you don't want them to.
this mirror, what it helps show me is that i am developing an empathy that moves ever deeper. when i see these things in the mirror, it keeps judgement at bay, because i can see myself in the other - the connection - the truth. It's something that we ALL need to develop more of in these times, when we feel so separated from one another all too easily. It does not even have to be the actual presence of the other that causes the feeling, but the simple knowing of that divine connection that runs through us, that ability to see ourselves in others, and them in us.

I am one who does not move forward unless my intuition screams yes, especially with relationships. it must feel absolutely natural, i must feel at home.
In meeting so many new women, i've definitely been blessed with a more in depth understandinig of exactly what it is that i seem to look for in that special someone. it's not that i have a list, or that i have rules, but there are nonetheless certain things that i am pulled towards again & again, & the older i get, the more obvious my attractions become to me.
that said, i recently met someone who is the first girl in a couple of years that i've come straight out & told that i am attracted to her. it stunned me a bit to do it, and brought up a lot of security issues that i'm working through. it amazed me what it brought up from inside me & how it freaked me out, if only for a day or 2.
I really really like this girl & there seems to be a flow of language between us that is both natural & understood. i like that... a lot.
but of course, there are politics...involving coworkers (of hers not mine), one in particular. Someone that i was hanging out with & that i just started to feel wrong about - different incompatible views, and a shallowness to the similarities that is not where i am now, but where i was maybe 10 years ago. we just see things differently and are in different places, but she does have her cool aspects too.
but issues have arisen out of it & i don't want to cause problems in their workplace, so i'm trying to be as patient good & aware as i can be given the situation.it's tough...having to pass a frikkin note so there's not an uproar because we're all sitting at the table for the morning gathering at B&B together. hoping for those few moments when i have a chance to be one on one with the girl that keeps making me want to kiss her...just so we can speak without political ears listening...it's goofy.
but i definitely know that i want to explore the feelings that i am discovering for this new girl.
i feel like i'm writing a frikkin john hughes movie, but it's my life!

so, i don't know what's gonna happen, but i think i've found a new compadre if nothing else.
now i've just gotta figure out how to allot my time to everyone & still maintain all of the things i need for myself!
a tough one to figure out.

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