Thursday, May 26, 2005

oh joy!

Amazing things are happening.
I can feel it.
spring! yay!
the garden is planted (except for tomato plants which i frikkin need to go get!),
my home is getting cleaner ever week as i go thru it room by room spring cleaning.
new friends abound.
and certain relationships deepen in extremely exciting & exhiliarating ways.
I'm at a point where i need to stop stopping.
life, love, it's calling, saying "experience me, you've been watching from the sidelines for too long. It's time for you to join in the dance!"
for so many years of my life i have been observer.
the transition from one state to another can be daunting.
but step by step i walk out of the shadows & into the light.
i'm not yet used to attention, but it grows.
it becomes increasingly apparent to everyone that i am moving into something altogether different. i can see it in the way people look at me.
i'm having a strange time adjusting.
but i need to keep stepping further outward, exposing myself, being increasingly authentic.
i can only hope that by doing this, i can possibly facilitate the same transformation in others.
knowing that i've found someone that understands this, that is as excited & perplexed by the same things, brings me so much joy.
i can hardly wait to explore further with her! (and i know she's readin this!;^) )

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

remember to exorcise every morning!

I find it interesting how life is.
so many misperceptions, so much maya.
humans can become so caught up in their own interpretations of things that they don't see things as they actually are.
Then again, what actually is?
Multiplicity is a concept that most are not comfortable with, so it's difficult for many to grasp the concept that there is truth to every perception, that it all exists simultaneously as different "dimensional" manifestations.
So, we pretend that we know what we are observing & make all kinds of crazy thoughts & judgements about it that bend our emotional bodies this way & that.

As I try to move more & more into beingness that drops these judgements, I am experiencing just how much b.s. there actually is in a normal interaction.

Let me give an example.
I have not been going to breakfast at B&B for the last couple of weeks. I've been getting up earlier & have been in & out of there before any of the others arrive.
The last time i was there with them, I was pretty much ignored & excluded from the conversations for the most part.
There was one instance where a joke from the onion was shared with me, but besides that, it was as if i was a ghost.
I know that i had upset S. on some level with the posts that i made here on this blog about our conversations, as she felt that i misunderstood her & misrepresented her.
There are multiple lessons in that right there.
Did I hear her wrong initially? or did she think she said something other than what she actually did? does it even really matter?
it shows just how easy we fall into our own illusions & experience things thru these filters that we create for ourselves (or are more often created in us by culture at large, or those who decide which path culture shall take).
I did not apologize to her, I simply said that i wasn't even that attached to my own argument, but was rather putting it out there to see what would happen, to experience how others would perceive the ideas that i was expressing.
Not only that, but that the entire dialogue & my writing about it was in itself nothing but a device for coming to an understanding, for sparking a deeper look into the questions.
Well, even though she said that she did not lose any sleep over it, she made mention of my misunderstanding the first thing that morning (or maybe the morning before) and with vigor!, so obviously, it rubbed her the wrong way, as she said she hates being misunderstood.
Now, there are at least two ways to look at this statement.
firstly, that it is the perceiver who misundertood, secondly, that the speaker did not elaborate in a way which could be understood by the perceiver.
Language is a sketchy thing. It's BS for the most part & gets in the way. So many people have immediate & reptilian reactions to certain words, phrases & concepts.
it's sad really, as it makes for an extremely shallow dialogue.
It is not so easy to dissect what someone is saying. One must know something of the speaker, of their reality template, their beliefs or non beliefs, their general reality filters or perception of the world in order to comprehend what is actually being said.
Even a look can be completely misinterpreted.
and in a world so afraid of connection, of intimacy, being authentic & loving is almost always misinterpreted as action meant to goad the receiver into giving something in return, as if all of life is like a banking or business transaction!
this saddens and frustrates me so much!
so,each day i exorcise. let a little bit more of my self go.let a little more of my judgement go. I reflect on my interactions & their echoes, at my responses & the way in which i have shared myself, how i have expressed myself throughout the day.
it is so easy to get caught up in our perceptions though.

to get back to breakfast... today i actually saw S.
she was there earlier & I joined her for a bit.

once again i exist as ghost.

it was early & I did not expect her to talk much really, but at least to maybe say more than hello. Instead when i asked if i could join her i got an "If you really want to" and then NOTHING was said to me the entire time except in extremely brief response to a couple of things i said (as in 3 or 4 word sentences)

Now, I look at this & think that the easy & troubled, or neurotic way to perceive this is to believe that she is basically telling me that she is not interested in my being there or interacting with me anymore. but this is only my preception, i do not know it as truth.(although my intuition tells me that it is the case)
she could just have easily not felt like talking & wanting to be left alone in general.
It's not for me to say, and really it doesn't even matter.
Who even knows how she interpreted my absence from breakfast for the last couple of weeks? for all i know, may have taken it personally, but then she also could very well care less.
It doesn't even really matter to me. I find it interesting more than anything.
It's not as if i have expectations (other than respect maybe).
I do not know if there were any expectations placed upon me.
What i do know is that there is a lot of silence, and with that, i slip away into life & enjoy myself.

It's interesting how moments & people manifest & then fade away.

sometimes i think the holding on too tight things is what causes everyone so much trouble. best to be supportive yet freeing.
allow us all to take the paths we must in order to find ourselves & then move past that too.

All i know is that I have some really wonderful people in my life.
I'm blessed.
So many wonderful seeds starting to sprout.
just have to remember that not all seeds fall on fertile ground.
there's no sadness to it, it's just the way things are.
I guess my own desire that troubles me is the one involving the hope that i leave something inspirational with those i meet.
It saddens me when i feel that is not the case.

I think i just need to get used to it though. on this journey, there are bound to be quite a few stones in the soil.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

the spiral keeps spinnin

well, i finally finished my remix of Knaebot's song Constant at the end of last week.
it can be downloaded from my site by right clickin save as here It's 7.3M and a little over 10 minutes long.
yet another laptop frree production with the computer only being used for recording & mixing (protools free runnin on OS9.2.2)

I feel like with this mix even more of my inflences got thrown into the blender. I'm very happy with the results.

Most of this last week was spent working on it getting synth parts & sounds the way i wanted. It's amazing how many hours one can spend on such a thing!

Beyond that, I was up early every day the last few weesk & was into work early too.
Means i missed breakfast at B&B with the gals but that's ok.
It was great to get out of work earlier every day.

Last week i hit the clearance bins at the Virgin Megastore & scored once again. Only spent 16 bucks & got the following on Vinyl:
Ben Mono's album Dual - prob. my favorite album I've gotten in the last year & sounds even more astounding on vinyl!
an Incognito remix 12" with a killer Kyoto Jazz Massive remix,
a Black Science Orchestra remix 12" (a mr scruff-like mix by ted patterson)
a John Beltran remix 12" featuring Andreas Saag and Elsa (stateless) and a sweet remix by Kirk DeGiorgio in his Offworld guise.
and last & probably for me to pass on on ebay or something...
got the Chris Clark album on Warp from last year too. have yet to listen to the whole thing but there are definitely a few tracks i found interesting.

I have such a love hate relationship with IDM (Intelligent Dance Music). very rarely am i ever surprised by any of it. It seems a little color by numbers to me. Maybe due to the fact that so many laptop composers are using the same software programs. I think that it just might be possible that the struggle to make create the music one wants to helps with the creative side, and when it gets to be too easy to program a song, there's not much challenge or depth there anymore. Maybe I'm just not being turned onto the right artists for my tastes.

Beyond that, I've spent the last week pretty much chillin.
also spent some time with bob & co. which was really nice. Before now, we'd pretty much only randomly bumped into each other.
I foresee music collaborations in the future.

Been reading Rajneesh's book "the Mystical Experience". very nice. an earlier one from a kundalini meditation workshop in 1970.

many interesting other developments too that i'm imagining will manifest themselves within the next week.
should be interesting.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

I'm just not interested in being right! I simply want to make you think!

" Sometimes I am amazed at how goofy i can be.
This morning i gave S. a printed copy of my last post (symbiotic frolic).
i KNEW that there was going to be criticism right away, not the bad kind, mind you, but rather a kind that is well intentioned & actually made me happy.
I was so amused at how she started swatting at me with the papers! it made me laugh!
i swear, in so many ways i feel like she is my zen guru!
she calls me on shit & it's great.
She is definitely the right person for me to have put this definition of religion thing in front of.
I knew that she would give good argument. we haven't really had the chance to go that deeply into it, but i hope we will.

So to 'correct' the misunderstanding..I'll say this...
maybe my definition of religion is a little TOO wide, but there needs to be a deeper discourse about the subject.
The understanding that most have about religion is very shallow.
Considering the ethical issues that are cropping up as we move into this strange new world we are creating, how can we simply glance over what religion means? what spirituality means?
there are many that would throw out the baby with the bathwater.
We cannot simply condemn religion as being barbaric or a last vestige of the old human.
It must be transformed & redefined. It must expand.
It is the very mud from which the mystical lotus blooms.
The lotus must leave behind the darkness of the mud, the murkiness in order to climb thru the cleansing waters & reach the open sky, where it's beauty blooms.
It's roots are still in the mud, in the base material from which it's being was launched.
It is beyond the middle, the water, in both directions, above and below. if water is this world we live in, the "material" one, then the lotus exists both before & after/ above & below.
Cut the roots before the blossom and the beauty never comes to full fruition.

If one wants to move past even the flowering, beyond the need for such expression, to move into the infinite and out of the material, out of maya, there is a very small time between the flowering and when the lotus comes to seed.
This is when the roots must be cut, not before, not after. But remember, this is only for those who wish to be released from the wheel of incarnation in this world.
there is nothing wrong in wanting to go another round. many have unfinished business. Let them finish it, they must, or they will not be ready for the journey beyond! they cannot be!
and there is so much beauty in this life! one onnly has to learn to witness it, to live it!
Many religions would wish for you to believe that this is the fallen world, but it has it's own beauty, it's own purpose. It may be a school, It may be meaningless, but nonetheless, it has it's beauty, that cannot be denied!
Do not be so busy trying to escape from this place that you forget to even recognize this gift of life which you have been blessed to express.
do not get me wrong, I recognize the pain & suffering as well, but even these serve their own beautiful purpose if one allows them to.

To return to S.:
she was perplexed & frustrated that i actually believe the same as she does...what is ususally considered zen, taoism, whatever...that which in truth cannot be named.
All language fails to express it. it is an experiencial reality...yet I would continue to make a statement that even non belief is a religion of sorts.
It matters not if it is or not, i was simply making a point, testing, seeing if even I believed what i was saying.
When it comes to zen & taoist traditons, there is quite the slippery slope.
One cannot truly distill the experience of the tao into words, yet traditions do so.
people will quote the tao te ching as if it is the bible. stupidity!
read it for yourself, use it as a spark for your own journey into EXPERIENCE. Do not use it as a book to quote wise ideas to others. That is not what it is for. that is not what any scriptures or words are for. fundamentalism is the very weakest of idiotologies...i mean, idiologies. atheism is the same. the only difference between fundamentalist "religion" and atheism is one of action. the belief in an absolute knowledge is the same in both systems of belief. They both scoff at agnosis, not realizing that it takes more strength & willingness to surrender in admitting that one does not know or that one cannot know.
Atheism & fundamentalism in general serve only one purpose, the survival and empowerment of the ego. At least fundamentalist religions usually still maintain some sort of level of surrender, however misguided.
but atheism is just egotistical and on top of that, extremely unimaginative.
of course, who am i to say, it could very well be that it is a belief that those individuals need to go through.

In a way, taoism died the day lao tzu was asked to write it all down, if it was even he who did the writing.
as osho would say,
NO enlightened master EVER writes anything down, their disciples do that. The enlightened master only even uses language because it is a must for communication with most people.
It stands in the way of understanding at least as much as it aids in such.
masters speak, they do not write .
even osho, who has hundreds of books published that are transcriptions of his "discourses" his "jokes" as he would say on occasion, only wrote personal letters. he did not write any of his books, and this is very apparent when reading them. It is an experience of a completely different order to listen to him.
he was such a madman! such a trickster! yet i love him so!
There is a resonance there that scares me & thrills me all too much.

I purposely used a certain language in my last post, making sure to state "I currently am believing..."
It is not a belief that i have, but rather something that i am believing so that i can go thru it & understand it.
it is a quesion which i seek to move past, to understand on some level.
once i am feeling at least a little content with my relationship with that question, it will be dropped & i will more than likely never speak of it again unless someone else brings it up.

I enjoy asking odd questions, making odd statements and basically throwing a wrench into whatever system is in front of me.
I wish to stop the gears for long enough that i can get a good look & see exactly what it is that makes that system work.
Like a Gurdjeiff or a zen master...i sometimes aim to stun to catch off guard, in order to awaken, to bring one to the present or simply jar them into a line of thinking that is not "normal" for that person.

Like a bucky fuller, david icke, or an osho, I move more and more into living life as an experiment.
if my beliefs in this regard are to be quantified in any degree, i would have to say that i am a few things that all go together quite well. I tend towards animism. I like to believe that everything is sacred & imbibed with spirit because for me, that WORKS. it creates creative & loving relationships in my life & helps keep me from having profane relaationships with things as well as with people.
It has led me to a sort of "time travel" in the moment, i can witness an objec'ts past & an abstract way, not in some psychic way that's gonna get me a job with the coppers! haHA!
What i mean is that i have an awareness about what went into something, the energy, materials, work, suffering, etc.
i can also see where it is going, i.e.: was it designed for reuse, recycling? is it going to a landfill so that in the future it will be mined for raw materials and cause the use of even MORE fuel & energy to transform it once again? What about the health effects for both ourselves & future generations of ALL beings?
Animism works for me in this way. It makes me really think & feel about things. It brings me deeper into empathy with my surroundings.

i would also say that i lean towards tantra.
Now, most people, when they hear this, immediately think it is about sex. This is not the case, but the oversexualized mind will immediately gravitate towards that aspect.
there are differing schools of tantra, the one that i am most familiar with is Vigyana Bhirava Tantra, the 112 techniques which Shiva spoke to Devi as she sat on his lap wrapped in each others embrace.
My understanding of these techniques is this: that ANYTHING can be a technique for enlightenment, for trancendence, for moving into the experiencial reality that is beyond the mind, that is sometimes referred to as...dare i say it...God.
ANYTHING! isn't that awesome!?!
there's no one magic bullet! we all get to have the freedom of discovering what works for us personally! an individually tailored technique for trancending the individual! crazy!

I love it!
It is the opposite of yoga in many ways. it is not against anything. everything has the ability to be a great teacher to you. it becomes a matter of awareness.

But i have a problem cropping up with this.
When one starts experiencing everything as a vehicle for growth, how does one maintain friendships? relationships?
everything is changed! nothing is the same!

I sit learning as a friend converses with me. I can feel the transformation happening right then & there. It could even be that the words that had just come out of my mouth the last time i talked have no more meaning and seem utterly absurd to me.
Sometimes it is the opposite & i find more depth of understanding in a fleeting thought then i though possible.

the only thing i can make of this is that it is the point where the ego must be dropped. The "I" doesn't deal very well with this situation. rather...the MIND does not deal well with it because it is so damn busy thinking about what it all means that it begins to pull one out of the flow, the no-thing, the becoming.

It's time for me to really start to meditate, going deep wthin, beyond the mind.
otherwise, I'll simply end up like the sad mystics of the west such as nietzche, becoming mad & having a breakdown instead of a breakthrough.
something i most definitely wish to avoid!

enough of my blah blah blah for today.


Monday, May 02, 2005

symbiotic frolic

"Before I get into the thick of it, I just want to say..
beautifully done & they better make a movie for each of the five books!

now, on to the good stuff...

At Friday morning breakfast, there was talk about I heart Huckabees as I'd loaned it to S. to watch & she thought it was even better than the high hopes that she'd had for it. Our discussion went in the direction of shared realities vs. personally created ones, perception & the definition of religion.

Now, I get into a bit of trouble when it comes to that one because I go further & include much much more in my definition of religion. Here's MY basic definition: Religion is any belief system that relies on rules or guidelines in order to direct action and at the same time includes an element of faith in the unknown.
Understandably, this definition upsets many people because then just about everything, even science is included.

If there is an unknown in the equation, there is an element of faith that at some point that unknown will be known - hence it is religion, it is based on abstraction and the hope that which is being sought can be known.

There will inevitably be those on the side of science that say that science is mutable & adapts it's "laws" and theories as increasing experimentation occurs. They do not see that what they are discovering is only an artifact of human perception and human created systems of understanding & technology. None of their experimients mean anything in terms of being universal unless perceivers other than humans or human influenced creations come up with the same results.
They also tend to not see the evolving form which religion uses to spread itself.
All it takes is a small excursion into the history of religions & myths - and in these days, it's not hard to find esoteric and strange takes on just about any religious tradition.

I don't really care if anyone thinks I am wrong & that their academic version of the definition of religion is correct (which i understand as religion being a belief system based on dogma) and that i'm just loonie..
I myself believe that there are quite a few "religions" out there (especially in the strange realm of the "new religions") that are not necessarily "dogmatic" but still have basic loose guiding principles or philosophies.

The discussion pretty much turned to a lighter topic when S. said that she believes in nothing (and i intuit that in this discussion she means this in the western existentialist respect - absence, abyss - & NOT in the eastern mystical sense - no-thing, no nouns, all being, all verbs) whereupon I said that even that "belief" has it's own guiding principles because it is defined - she actually states it as fact -which removes it from the existential realm & into the realm of abstraction, of the mind, of defining it- and is therefore also a type of "religion" to which she kinda chuckled & said "Now we go around in a circle".

Which in a way is exactly the point.

It's all circular arguments & made up abstraction, there is no such thing as an absolute truth, at least not one which we can be rationally aware of in human incarnation.
This whole thing was started by me saying something that is the exact opposite of what is accepted as correct & proper.
That I am currently believing that religion should ABSOLUTELY NOT be a private matter.
I attempted to explain why but since it was first thing in the morning & i had yet to eat, I wasn't very eloquent. I was rather testy actually.
Afterwards, though, I started to get the thoughts flowing & wrote down a few things.
In a way, this is aimed mostly at finding a proper language that would
be understood by S., who is an actor. Here is what i wrote, with a few edits & additions:

. . .. ... ..... ........ ............. ..................... ..................................

A play, theater, a drama is being created; a story unfolding, coming
into being moment to moment. Each of the actors in this play must focus,
communicating with one another & coming together as a unity in order to
create this vision, this momentary reality together which they wish to
share with others, as well as amongst themselves.

Each of these actors has their own method, or non-method.
Maybe it came from outside of themselves, from training, from schooling, from a previous actor who was an inspiration or from a teacher's example.

It is also possible that it could simply be a natural phenomenon of the individual,
an innate ability to transform the self into the being which is being called upon for the created consensus reality.
It more than likely is a mixture of both, bringing even more complexity and adding to the depth.
In one sense it matters not, yet in another it matters immensely. It depends on whether or not there is any intention of "quality" involved. There is also the element of aesthetic choice. It depends on the intention of the collective.

This drama, this play, is like a pot of soup.Each actor adds a spice, their own flavor to the soup. This necessitates a dialogue, whether spoken or felt, among the actors.
It is very easy to make a soup that is not pleasant to the palate, or which cannot be ingested at all.
It could even make one ill! Too much salt, a rotten vegetable or meat, something too sweet...
...any of these things and more can disturb the balance of the soup, of the collective creation, altering the overall flavor & experience.

Because of this, it is important for each individual to understand the
responsibility in choosing which ingredient they bring to the whole,
to the consensus reality, to the soup, so to speak.

In this way also, what we choose to believe about the world, or personal "religion", determines how the consensus reality will manifest.
Not only are we responsible for our own being, our own life & the way in which it manifests, but as all of our beliefs color & determine our actions & how we relate with the "outer" world, they directly effect those around us.

I am NOT writing about imposing some particular way, some defined beliefs that will work or should work for everyone. This would only lead to disaster & draconian idiocy & repression. It is not even an evolutionarily viable way of looking at it. It would be utterly absurd to even attempt to create a world where everyone believes the same thing (and this is what the aim of the so-called Illuminati or New World Order is).

What I am proposing is a simple recognition of the interconnection, the symbiosis through which reality asserts itself.
When one thinks of evolution, they should DROP COMPLETELY the idea of survival of the fittest.It is survival of the FIT - those beings which are capable of creating symbiotic relationships with their surroundings.
If they do not, they will NOT survive, as the community of life around them will NOT support them.

(a wonderful starting point for this question is "The Story of B" by Daniel Quinn)

We have surpassed the time of Malthusian scarecity. It is no longer true, it is a MYTH used as a control structure, so that the entire world can be exploited for the temporary abstract gain of a very few people who feel an absolutely insane urge to fulfill their unenlightened egos. the fact that they actually call themselves "Illuminated" is downright hilarious! (and super freaky scary!)

We all are interconnected, as stated many times before, like the waves of an ocean (that metaphor works all too well).
the ripples we each send out effect all of the other waves. remember this.

Be aware, be thoughtful & remember that the person that you would rather have nothing to do with is just another aspect of YOU.
It is not that person which you have such a difficult time with, but rather the feelings which you create inside of yourself in response to your perception of how that person should be in juxtaposition to who they have been in the past.

Are you so sure that you've got all of the answers?

Are you so sure that you are the one that has it all "right"?

Maybe you are one of the many who consider ourselves rather clueless and simply searching possibilities.

I can be none of the above & all of the above. I wrestle with it just like the rest of you. As awareness increases, I notice a lessening of time lapse between
situation & realization. I've been pondering the notion that awareness comes when that realization reaches the realm of being instantaneous, being totally in the PRESENT.
somehow, that way of being still eludes me.

yet still I walk the middle path.


enough for today. "