Wednesday, May 25, 2005

remember to exorcise every morning!

I find it interesting how life is.
so many misperceptions, so much maya.
humans can become so caught up in their own interpretations of things that they don't see things as they actually are.
Then again, what actually is?
Multiplicity is a concept that most are not comfortable with, so it's difficult for many to grasp the concept that there is truth to every perception, that it all exists simultaneously as different "dimensional" manifestations.
So, we pretend that we know what we are observing & make all kinds of crazy thoughts & judgements about it that bend our emotional bodies this way & that.

As I try to move more & more into beingness that drops these judgements, I am experiencing just how much b.s. there actually is in a normal interaction.

Let me give an example.
I have not been going to breakfast at B&B for the last couple of weeks. I've been getting up earlier & have been in & out of there before any of the others arrive.
The last time i was there with them, I was pretty much ignored & excluded from the conversations for the most part.
There was one instance where a joke from the onion was shared with me, but besides that, it was as if i was a ghost.
I know that i had upset S. on some level with the posts that i made here on this blog about our conversations, as she felt that i misunderstood her & misrepresented her.
There are multiple lessons in that right there.
Did I hear her wrong initially? or did she think she said something other than what she actually did? does it even really matter?
it shows just how easy we fall into our own illusions & experience things thru these filters that we create for ourselves (or are more often created in us by culture at large, or those who decide which path culture shall take).
I did not apologize to her, I simply said that i wasn't even that attached to my own argument, but was rather putting it out there to see what would happen, to experience how others would perceive the ideas that i was expressing.
Not only that, but that the entire dialogue & my writing about it was in itself nothing but a device for coming to an understanding, for sparking a deeper look into the questions.
Well, even though she said that she did not lose any sleep over it, she made mention of my misunderstanding the first thing that morning (or maybe the morning before) and with vigor!, so obviously, it rubbed her the wrong way, as she said she hates being misunderstood.
Now, there are at least two ways to look at this statement.
firstly, that it is the perceiver who misundertood, secondly, that the speaker did not elaborate in a way which could be understood by the perceiver.
Language is a sketchy thing. It's BS for the most part & gets in the way. So many people have immediate & reptilian reactions to certain words, phrases & concepts.
it's sad really, as it makes for an extremely shallow dialogue.
It is not so easy to dissect what someone is saying. One must know something of the speaker, of their reality template, their beliefs or non beliefs, their general reality filters or perception of the world in order to comprehend what is actually being said.
Even a look can be completely misinterpreted.
and in a world so afraid of connection, of intimacy, being authentic & loving is almost always misinterpreted as action meant to goad the receiver into giving something in return, as if all of life is like a banking or business transaction!
this saddens and frustrates me so much!
so,each day i exorcise. let a little bit more of my self go.let a little more of my judgement go. I reflect on my interactions & their echoes, at my responses & the way in which i have shared myself, how i have expressed myself throughout the day.
it is so easy to get caught up in our perceptions though.

to get back to breakfast... today i actually saw S.
she was there earlier & I joined her for a bit.

Silence.
once again i exist as ghost.

it was early & I did not expect her to talk much really, but at least to maybe say more than hello. Instead when i asked if i could join her i got an "If you really want to" and then NOTHING was said to me the entire time except in extremely brief response to a couple of things i said (as in 3 or 4 word sentences)

Now, I look at this & think that the easy & troubled, or neurotic way to perceive this is to believe that she is basically telling me that she is not interested in my being there or interacting with me anymore. but this is only my preception, i do not know it as truth.(although my intuition tells me that it is the case)
she could just have easily not felt like talking & wanting to be left alone in general.
It's not for me to say, and really it doesn't even matter.
Who even knows how she interpreted my absence from breakfast for the last couple of weeks? for all i know, may have taken it personally, but then she also could very well care less.
It doesn't even really matter to me. I find it interesting more than anything.
It's not as if i have expectations (other than respect maybe).
I do not know if there were any expectations placed upon me.
What i do know is that there is a lot of silence, and with that, i slip away into life & enjoy myself.

It's interesting how moments & people manifest & then fade away.

sometimes i think the holding on too tight things is what causes everyone so much trouble. best to be supportive yet freeing.
allow us all to take the paths we must in order to find ourselves & then move past that too.

All i know is that I have some really wonderful people in my life.
I'm blessed.
So many wonderful seeds starting to sprout.
just have to remember that not all seeds fall on fertile ground.
there's no sadness to it, it's just the way things are.
I guess my own desire that troubles me is the one involving the hope that i leave something inspirational with those i meet.
It saddens me when i feel that is not the case.

I think i just need to get used to it though. on this journey, there are bound to be quite a few stones in the soil.

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