Thursday, June 30, 2005

clean it out / raise it up

Ok, so, i've decided that no more talky talky about good diet & no follow-through.
With hot weather here, a constant supply of greens from the garden, and basically feeling like i need to get on with it, I've made the move to a cleaner diet.
It's even looking like it may be a mostly raw diet as well. Lots of salads, fruits & nuts. an occasional stir fry and a move back into a vegetarian diet & even dropping dairy as well.
I'm simply tired of being tired & unmotivated physically.

I haven't been walking as much as i have in the past few years.
i've used the heat as an excuse, but it wasn't one a couple of years ago. I'd walk home in the blazing sun & absolutely love the sweatyness, teh feeling of being baked in the sun & pushing my body forward until i arrive home ready for a cool shower.

so, this is gonna be a great experiment. coupled with meditation & maybe even some yoga, i should be gettin in gear in no time.

then maybe i'll be lookin as sharp as "theMan" hehe.(see his progress as posted by his lovely lady here)
his journey into a more disciplines healthy lifestyle is quite inspiring.

painting is from
Alex Grey's
Chapel of Sacred Mirrors

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

come on already, gimme rain!

i really miss the good ol' summer storms that make their way across the midwest.
i experienced quite a few good ones growing up in central illinois.

they could be so damn intense the way the sun would shine fiercely on the upper parts of the towering thunderheads.

i think my garden would really love a good storm least a little rain....
...wait a minute....
do i hear thunder?

Summer Storm - by Doug Shelton - click to go to gallery
Summer Storm, by Doug Shelton
click on image to go to gallery

Monday, June 27, 2005

relaxin'/ healin' the blind

it was a rather relaxing weekend.
friday night spent hangin & making music with bob & doug, breakfast at b&b on saturday then cleaning with occasional breaks for episodes of Freaks & Geeks
(i'm currently on disc 3)

It's felt good to be getting things in order, and a weekend to myself was much needed.

I'm sittin here right now watching an awesome Live set from Mark De Clive-Lowe at FabChannel , which has over 300 live sets from the Paradiso in Amsterdam (in amazingly high quality of both video & audio)

so many new projects in mind...things set in motion...
i have to be careful not to become a hermit while tinkering with ideas & projects.

no mystical jargon least not from me...

instead, i'll give ya another quote from osho
this one is from page 197 of Volume 1 of "I Say Unto You - talks on the sayings of Jesus"(see sidebar for pic of the book):

"You cannot help the blind man to know
what is white, or what is colour, or what is light.
All your help is going to give him something wrong.
There is no way to help the blind man by definitions,
by explanations, by theories, by dogmas, by scriptures.
The only way to help him is to heal his eyes." - osho

Thursday, June 23, 2005


this picture is from a couple of weeks ago.
I absolutely love the catalpas.
Big heart shaped leaves, lovely almost orchidlike flowers, and long slender seedpods.
a truly erotic tree if ever there was one.
some of them looked like gigantic bouquets.
second only to when the lilly of the valley plants are blooming outside my bedroom window.

spread the love

Love Is a Quality, not a Quantity

"When your love is conscious, you can be friendly to many people and there is no question of jealousy. Nobody will feel that because you love so many people his share is going to be less." -osho

watch an 8 minute long video of him speakin on this


No Thought For the Day:

"It is the most beautiful moment in one´s life when there is neither confusion nor certainty. One simply is — a mirror reflecting that which is. With no direction
to go anywhere, with no idea of doing something, with no future
— just utterly in the moment, tremendously in the moment." -osho

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Let it Bloom

Silence is all that is needed.
All things bloom in their own time.

fighting to make things happen,
denying true sensations, whether good or bad,
we are drawn away from our true selves.
How to be authentic when one knows how it may effect others?
friends, lovers, family, community...
all are effected.
so, do i simply move forward without worrying about how they are affected,
or do i only move in a way in which all are blessed?
are these things even compatible?
what to do, what to do....


go inward


relax, flow, breathe.

it will all come about as it should.

all it takes is nurturing the inner, the seed.

the seed is internal,buried in the mud, the organic ooze which births life.
when it is in its natural surroundings, it's "zone of evolution", it does not need any intended nurturing.
rain naturally falls, the sun naturally shines and warms the soil, then the foliage, and life comes into being, and there can be a blooming.

too many seeds, too many beings have been removed or relocated from their origin of being.
these need to be nurtured, to maybe have some extra water showered on them,
to be carefully placed in the right spot in the garden so that the variation in light comes at least close to mimicing its natural environment.
only then do these transplanted, "internationalized" seeds germinate and grow, only with much nurturing does the growth become noticable on the outside.otherwise, the growth is easily retarded. it becomes easy for little carelessness to lead to withering away.
so we must take care & nurture ourselves & all around us in this increasingly virtual world.
Only then will a new flowering occur.
Only then are people drawn to the fragrance, which only comes with the opening of the flower.
how to relate to all of those noses getting so close?

with love & compassion, and the hope that they understand that the flower is not just for them, but to be shared by all.

Please don't pick the flowers

No Thought For The Day:

"Be life-affirmative. Life is synonymous with God.
You can drop the word God — life is God.
Live with reverence, with great respect...gratitude.
You have not earned the life, it has been a sheer gift from the beyond.
Feel thankful and prayerful, and take as many bites of it as possible and chew well and digest well." -osho

Tuesday, June 21, 2005


"Whenever you follow your potential, you always become the best.
Whenever you go astray from the potential, you remain mediocre.
The whole society consists of mediocre people for the simple reason
that nobody is what he was destined to be — he is something else." - osho

It is so easy to get lost in mediocrity. I am steeped in it most of the time, not making any movement or effort towards reaching my potential.
I do a lot of inner work, yet I seem to have difficulty transfering that into the outer world.
Maybe I am afraid of my destiny. it seems to be so absurd. So over the top & crazy.
Grandiose in scale, at times it has verged on the messianic.

how to express, how to be, how to relate, how to not let arrogance or egotism overcome what could otherwise be an immensely beautiful transition.
all of these are huge concerns of mine. hence, i am obsessed with this "egolessness".
only by understanding & being egoless will there be a state where my being overflows in the way in which i feel that it is destined to.

normal, everyday life is so meaningless to me. so much of it disinterests me.
it could be that i am simply ready for a new worklife.been workin the same job for much too long, and it is making me feel increasingly unfulfilled.

I think that i ahve decided that my music should be a main focus right now. the further i move into it, the more fulfilling it becomes.

I've also been having ideas of comedic expression...sketch comedy, ala Mr. Show or UCB...with a mystical edge
gotta start writin ideas...

Eventually i wish to build a community, where i do not know.
and no, i don't wanna start a cult for all of you that were wonderin! haha!
the thought of a new kind of commune or self sustaining community is interesting.
so many unbelievably creative ideas have been spawned over the last century.
technology is even moving into an age of sustainability, however slowly.
if we'd simply get over the profit motive, the second third world countries would not have to work throught the horribly savage early steps of the industrial & energy revolutions.
we need to learn to share.

ok..i feel like i'm simply babbling at this point so that's it for today.

Monday, June 20, 2005

intuition / aloneness

"Loneliness is absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself. Aloneness is very positive. It is a presence, overflowing presence.
You are so full of presence that you can fill the whole universe
with your presence and there is no need for anybody.
" -osho is both freeing and complex.
the majority of our society, or our culture puts much weight into our connection to others. we tend to define ourselves not by who we actually are, but by how we are perceived by others. this can lead to immense suffering when the others do not experience or interpret our own being in the way in which we believe we are portraying ourselves. Even the portrayal is a falsehood. it is like being an actor.

only when we are able to be alone, to be content with our own being, free of distractions, free of tonics, free of all but our ability to simply be, can we become authentic & truly move into a oneness of being with the divine, with cosmos.

it is so easy to get caught up in how we relate to others. we judge ourselves not by the actual feedback that others give us, but by the perceived feedback - our own neurosis, our own self degrading mindsets. and by mindset i mean a collection of ideas about self which have been programmed into us, whether by our own doing or by outside influence. it does not matter who it is which is doing the programming, only that it is completely altering the actuality of what is happening all around us.

so often we believe we know the motivations of others. we refuse to believe that there may be an underlying complexity, that the other may be working through their own journey, as they most definitely are. we get caught up in judging the journey of another based on our own journey, but they are not the same path, nor can they ever be.
we fool ourselves often, and on occasion, we do find resonance which seems to be of a higher order of communication - those feelings and intuitions that happen without any words being spoken.
we must be wise in recognizing the difference, knowing when we are making things up & when they are being presented to us authentically.
it is difficult to do this, it takes time, practice, and an openness to the other that many are afraid of.
it is a surrendering to life. it is a move beyond rationality.
don't get me wrong, it is not a matter of dropping the rational, but merely moving beyond it.
in a sense, one could almost say that intuition is the integration of rationality to such an extent that it no longer must be thought about, it simply IS. at that stage, the mind does not have to do the work, but rather, the heart does it. feeling becomes paramount.
one should follow the tingles, the intuitions, the butterflies that come to us & tickle our insides.
we cannot always express these feelings in the ways in which we may desire to due to the situation, cultural constraints, etc., yet we should never deny them, as they are an intrinsic part of our exploration of ourselves and the world at large.
it is once again simply a matter of awareness, of witnessing the self, of allowing every aspect of life to be a seed for new growth.
it can be a lot of fun. it can also lead to pain.
but it is the only way to discover our own truths.

i want to make a shirt that says:
"Is your knowledge experiential or are you simply a repeater?"

Friday, June 17, 2005

mild frustration

so, last night i finally got Ableton Live runnin on my ol' 500mhz G4 desktop.
started up teh demo session so i could get a little hands on taste & know what the hell i'm doing, and, believe it or not (and i seem to have quite the knack for this) i managed to max out the capabilities within a few minutes.
tweaked the presets with a few effects & whammo! CPU usage up to 97% and glitch city.
made for some interesting sounds for sure, but not a usable set.

so, i either need to rethink how i'm going to use Live, or I need to upgrade.
I don't imagine that my 500mz G3 ibook will fair any better with it...

could it be time fo...dare i say it...a mac mini?
sure seems like a good idea for a portable live setup. that & a cheapo second hand 15" lcd would be perfect. all i'd need tro do is get or make a nice case for the screen.
of course, it would help if i had the fundage to get that shit, which i do not.
so, guess i'll just have to figure it out in due time & for now use Live like i was using protools free before - as a harddisk recorder & mastering suite.
at least i won't have to boot into 9.2 to record anymore. ahoohoo!

it's cool & breezy out today. i'm lovin it.
got up early & watered the garden before all of the peeps in the neighborhood were out & about. just me & the birds & squirrels.

my work week is finally over & it's time to head out for yet another beautiful walk.
not sure what's up yet for this weekend, but i'm sure it will be enjoyable no matter what comes up.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

non judgement

"Be less of a judge and you will be surprised when you become a witness and you don´t judge yourself, you stop judging others too.
And that makes you more human, more compassionate, more understanding" -osho

and here'smy wonderful StarIQ planetary horoscope for today:

Jun 16, 2005
Transiting Mars Trine Natal Neptune

Time to trust. Trust that others try to help you. Trust your urges to
burst forward into some activities that are unlike you, but that come
from the needs of your spirit. Trust that a flow exists in the universe.
Trust that the unconscious lives deep within, guiding you with wonderful
and powerful emotions. If you made a movie biography of yourself, what
would you film? Those scenes are the ones to direct in real life. As you
direct them, they become real.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005


the cool breeze blows.
spring caresses me.
it is good to have the early humid hotness relaxing into a more pleasant atmosphere.
the garden, it grows, slowly but surely, with promises of good eats.
this season, tomatoes should abound. many varieties as well as reseeded sweetness from last season. (oh how i loved those navidad grape tomatoes)

My spring cleaning is finally getting to where it should be.
piles of clothes getting folded, dishes getting done, clutter being sorted & put in a more user friendly space.

it amazes me how much cleaning of that sort clears the head.

i keep intending to create a meditation space, or spaces, both inside & out.
it would be very nice to have it near the garden, or even within it.
maybe get up a bit earlier, with the sunrise, and spend time out there, meditating & gardening before having to journey into the big fortress of the center of the metropolis to earn that which i must to keep a roof over my head.

today i am blessed with what looks like it's going to be a half day. i can hardly wait to take my walk home.

"Looking at a sunset, just for a second you forget your separateness: you are the sunset. That is the moment when you feel the beauty of it. But the moment you say that it is a beautiful sunset, you are no longer feeling it; you have come back to your separate, enclosed entity of the ego. Now the mind is speaking.
And this is one of the mysteries, that the mind can speak, and knows nothing; and the heart knows everything, and cannot speak. Perhaps to know too much makes it difficult to speak; the mind knows so little, it is possible for it to speak." - osho

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


not feeling like writing much right now.
silence...pondering things inside, relaxing...
a nap sure sounds good right about now :)

more osho...

"I do not belong to the category of the learned. My whole life has been based on a fundamental truth which can only be called unlearning. Whatever the society has forced me to learn, through the schools and the colleges and the universities, my work has been how to unlearn it; how to clean myself from all this junk, rubbish and all kinds of crap. I am not a learned man. Perhaps I might be the most unlearned man in the world. And I would hate to be respected by the present humanity - it does not have that intelligence, nor has it that heart, nor has it that being." - Osho

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Who's really the "badguy"?

here is a link to video footage of a recent tasing arrest.
be patient, let it load & watch it, remembering that this is a ROUTINE TRAFFIC STOP for SPEEDING!
in recent months there have been an ever increasing amount of deaths from police officers overzealously using tasers during arrests.
i think for every time they use their tasers, we should get to put electrodes on their balls & shock them ten times for each time they shock civilians.
Fuck the state.
They are proving more every day who's side they are on & it's not the side of the people.
anyone wanna help me design taserproof clothing?
go to this link & simply enter "tasers" into the search engine & you will find at least 75 articles on the hazards & implementation of tasers.
remember, not only could you could be next, but it could kill you.


I'm excited that tonite I will be going to witness Mouse on Mars perform at Sonotheque!
it has been a few years since I have seen them. always a fun time.
and the fact that they are going to be at a club both small & acoustically beautiful makes it all the.
I've been to sonotheque a few times now, and each time I have had a wonderful experience, whether it be the friendliness of the staff or just random conversations struck up with strangers.
Not to mention that they manage to have some of the finest musicians & dj's comin thru there, and the intimate setting makes for the ability to say hello to them, pass along cdr's, and basically have a very human experience.

I spent late afternoon & early evening yesterday in my garden doing some massive weeding. I had been putting it off for a little over a week, and managed to let my arugula go to flowering (oops). It was a miniature jungle out there from 1 to 12" tall!
Once i got it all cleaned up, there they were...all of the little seedlings sprouting that i actually WANT to be there. There were some surprises as well: the broccoli that is growing where i swear i did not plant any (i let one of them go to flower last year), and it seems that it just may be possible that the amazing navidad grape tomatoes reseeded as well, as there are a few stray tomato plants that actually germinated from seed! and they are already almost a foot tall. too cool, especially in this zone 5 climate of Chicago.
I still want to get some larger tomato plants, and maybe peppers too.
there are also squash & zuccini coming up & i think i saw some thai chili plants sproutin too.
now if i can only keep on top of the weeding!

It's been a hot & humid week & i finally busted out the AC a couple of days ago.
Noona doesn't seem to be too happy about it. maybe the noise, maybe the fans i need to use to circulate the air throughout the apartment...but she's just gonna have to adjust.
I DID leave her favorite windows for her though. I usually put the unit in one of them (which is the most centralized in the apartment) but this year i decided to let her have it.
Not sure it's going to work though as the back end of the place is just not getting much of the cool air.

Been keeping rather busy for myself lately. so many cool peeps to hang with, new connections to nurture.
I've been a little sloppy about it in some regards, but am blessed to have someone that is very understanding willing to share in some honest & open expression that is both scary at times & needed & healthy too.

I've been so used to not being allowed to be myself to the extent that i want to be in relationships that it is refreshing to have someone tell me that i can be myself totally.
The amount of respect that exists in that connection amazes me, and i know that i will cherish it for years, an interesting feeling since it is a rather young and new connection (at least in this life!)
yeah E, i'm talkin about you. thanks for amazing me. you're the bomb.
know that you'll only get the highest respect from me. (HUGE HUGS)

I'm really diggin that i am once again moving into a time of social discourse & gatherings. It feels good. I'd been hibernating for far too long.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005


Lately it seems as if I have been overwhelmed.
so much flooding my life, as the waves roll over me & I toss & turn, attempting to mount my board & ride with grace.
I'll manage to get up on it occasionally, displaying a natural skill that surprises me, only to then plunge back into the tumultuous currents.
Luckily, I am surrounded by magnificent friends.

I tend to freak out when I go deeply into thoughts about sanyas or brahmacharya

I am increasingly pulled toward the mystic, to the point where I am wondering how much longer I can even manage to work a regular job.
the one which I am currently working is not fulfilling in the least.
I've made the call out to existence to present me with a new path.
now I let go & keep my eyes & ears peeled.

Music... I am finally moving deeper into it. It has become my current dominant artform. I have not painted or made visual art in months and I do not miss it. possibilities born, leading to freakouts, leading to new birth yet again.
I am moving into territory through which I have never been & it is frightening at times.
Further from tradition I stray, with no intent of returning.
civilization, to you I say goodday. You've had your say & you disappoint me.
refusing to grow into wisdom, you keep making all efforts possible to retard the growth of your very flesh & bones.
civilization, it is time for you to leave your parent's home & make it on your own.
In this I witness that you are not wrong, but that you have outgrown your home, your surroundings. You are trampling on your family, on the very things which nurtured your growth. You must move out of your adolescence & into adulthood, developing nurturing relationships with your community.
civilization, I beg of you, enough already! Stop acting like a spoiled brat & realize how much you take! How profanely you treat yourself & your family!
You cannot even eat from the ground which is under your feet! No! Instead you must take from those who live far away, so that you may live in your virtual world, cocooning yourself from the reality of your separation, your sickness, your dis-ease.
You plant pretty flowers in order to pretend at being natural. Why can you not decide to grow food? Your pristine gardens are an abomination. Your museum mindset boxing up & labeling everything that crosses your path.
I beg of you...let it go!
be free & with that set the world free as well. It is not yours to own. It is not yours alone to witness.
it is not simply for the humans.
it is for all that is,was & ever shall be.
it is not that we were cast out of the garden, but that we do not recognize that it is everywhere around us, that it is we who have turned this paradise into a prison.

walk away. a little more each day, and before you know it, your life will be completely transformed.

Friday, June 03, 2005

So Much

So much to say that i do not know where to i will wait until later when i have time to sit & ponder, to give it more thought, more feeling.
for now I somply give you more words of osho:

"Knowledge gratifies the ego, wisdom happens only when the ego is gone, forgotten. Knowledge can be taught; universities exist to teach you. Wisdom cannot be taught, it is like an infection: you have to be with the wise, you have to move with the wise, and then only something will start moving inside you."

Wednesday, June 01, 2005


It seems that no matter which way i turn, no matter what decisions i make these days, inner turmoil is the result.
I am so undecided about everything in my life with the exception of my "spiritual path".

Relationships, friendships, social life, and culture in general have become dissonant in so many ways.I can't seem to stop resisting. I have a feeling that this is a transitional stage, that i am moving into something new, but i just have not yet quite gotten there - if there is even a there to get to.

It leaves me sad most of the time.
It is difficult to feel idios, disconnected, expecially when i know that this is mostly of my own doing.
I ask too much of both myself & others, but i cannot stop it & neither do i wish to.

Every bit of gnosis that is birthing in me and that is coming to me from without as well is giving the scariest message imaginable. I can't seem to escape it.

I look up into the skies, and i see how even they have been stolen, covered in a mist so unnatural, as so many are entranced by the myth of the need to "do", to "go", to express all things outwardly.

Would an individual culture that creates an inner fulfillment within those which are its very body be so exploratory? would they even have the impulse to search out other cultures & experience them? Or is this something driven by an absence of fulfillment within ones own culture?

We are born into our cultures, not getting to choose them until we have already been programmed during our most receptive & impressionable years. At the same time, we are lucky enough to be alive at the time of the birthing of the new human, however difficult it may be.

The new almost instantaneous access to information by many in the more priveledged societies (I've read that it's only somewere around 13% of humans that are on the internet) and the postmodern aesthetic have led to a plurality of choices.
This in turn has led many to attempt to abandon old beliefs that they were born into.
There is still a huge problem though - that most never move past a reactionary stance. They refuse to come to a new understanding of such concepts as "god" and maintain a rather superficial & cynical attitude towards religion & spirituality.
One belief system is simply replaced by another in a superficial, circular progression, rather than a spiral, expansive one.

Because of this, many still hold on to old patterns & never find the authenticity which they are seeking.
This creates situations in which many that would be considered compassionate & humanitarian end up taking part in extremely misguided & entropic endeavors.
Many of these are disguised as multinational, or UN led humanitarian efforts, especially ones involving mass vaccinations (which have been found on many occasions to be tainted with sterilizing agents, and in the case of the polio vaccine, a "monkey virus" that is the most carcinogenic agent known & causes cancer)

We are immersed in a culture which is so entranced by entropy that even in many of it's best & most innocent attempts at doing the "right thing"it is raping, abusing & destroying the entire planet & it seems that the majority of this culture's embodiment refuse to wake up from their slumber and take notice of what it is that they are acting out during their sleepwalking trance.

Makes it easy to fall into a misanthropic attitude.

I can understand why it is so difficult for people to accept responsibilty & move into a more authentic & deeper existence. It takes a lot of courage to accept that which is challenging, which is ugly, which exposes that all which one has been "taught", has been steeped in since birth, is not only a half truth, if not an all out lie, but is not even a viable evolutionary option for the long haul.

To accept that one's entire life until this moment has been determined to a huge amount by a projected reality of a very small group of people through thousands of years of control structures & mediation of almost all aspects of reality is not only crushing, it is absolutely traumatic!
In it's own way, it is a kind of death. One which can lead to an amazing rebirth.

We are living in a time where the elite have influenced and permeated culture to such an extent that there is no need for "conspiracy", as the reality that the majority of people are willing to maintain is self-regulating. the medium is the message, as I believe mccluhan once said.
control the way, the very methods through which reality is viewed and you've got a lot of influence over culture without having to take any direct action.
I mean, how hard do you really think it is to make graphic artists sell their souls?
The economy is the god of all gods, or so it would seem, as almost all seem to bow at her altar...nevermind that she was invented to control your sense of self worth & your exploitation, that she is completely abstracted.
You don't need to look at the CEO's and such to see where the heart of the problem lies.

Just look at who is willing to do the actual creative task - to implement the reality, and there is where you will find the most misguided & the ugliest of all.
They are also the most powerful, and maybe this is the cause of their whorish behavior, as power can be a seductive master.
All they would have to do is stop doing The bidding of their masters & it would all fall down. We would be free.
Yet, here is where you find the artist who does not look inward, but rather is giving away their creative gift to those who wish to do no more than exploit & profit from every single thing in existence.
these artists create the beautiful images & myths which fuel the hunger which their masters are all too ready to feed.

Seems like they are all vampires to me...though i'm sure there are a few injecting their own media viruses into the mix.

For the most part the images & myths cover up the reality.
I ask you what is the truth?:
clothes...where'd they come from? who made 'em & under what conditions?
all of yer tech toys? your food? your fuel? your entertainment?
start adding up the "real" cost of our obsession with "doing" and one will quickly realize that we have invented one of the most inefficient cultures imaginable.
All in the worship of Economy.

This way of being is so intensely gluttonous that its entropic nature is starting to rush at us full force as taker civilization overwhelms the entire planet.

Civilization, life as we know it , is swiftly coming to a close.
It has to one way or another.
We need to start being the visionaries which we were born to be.
Yet, we must remember that authentic action is only birthed from authentic being. It is the being which MUST come before the action. Otherwise we will remain idiotic,inefficient, and unfulfilled.
we can create that which comes after this civilization.

We need to quit letting the weakest of the species lead us. You just know that those in charge couldn't take care of themselves if they had to.

So let us all be reborn as metaphorical Pharoah slayers. let no being outside of ourselves come between us and our own personal relationships with the infinite.
No more obsessive need for control.
no more regressive need to judge.
Compassion & Justice are not compatible.
Are you love & connection, or are you judgement & disconnection?
and just exactly how do you think that choice effects the world?