Monday, July 11, 2005

let it go with no worries

photo by Cindy Lowe
(click pic to go to her site)

"Love is not a quantity, it is a quality,
and a quality of a certain category that
grows by giving, and dies if you hold it.
If you are miserly about it, it dies.
So be really a spendthrift!
Don´t bother to whom"

This is how I love.
some cannot understand it - how one can give so freely.
it is something that one just does. it cannot be taught as much as it can be moved into.

In a culture where so much emphasis is placed on pairing up, it can be difficult & perplexing to be so loving.
One never knows how the people they love will respond.
While this isn't an important component in the actual giving, it is important when it comes to everyday life.
With so many people closed off, being loving becomes such a huge act of intimacy for most.
people tend to be private & protective these days. it's not surprising really , with the state of the world & all.
but it is a sad state of affairs.

We latch on to those which we find comfort in, in which we feel safety, love, a homey quality. We start to think tht there can be no other possibility other than this one "right here in front of me".
but then, years later, we look back & realize that there have been many more chances & expressions since then, that the entire world is open to us and there is no way to predict who or what will come our way.
sometimes we hold on too closely to things we should let go of. other times we do not pay enough attention to what we have.

All i can think to do is to throw it all to the wind.
each time I talk with the different women i have loved in my life, and yes, i am still in touch with the majority of them, I am reminded of how much we can resonate even when we are gone, no longer together.
It also reminds me that i must be doing at least something right because for the most part they all still care about me deeply, as I do for them as well.

One thing i've definitely come to terms with is that for right now I am not in a place of wanting or needing a pairing up.
it just is not for me at this moment...tomorrow may be different, i do not know.

I've felt some amazing things in life that i feel comepletely blessed to have felt & i thank each & every one of you for those experiences, for sharing with me.
it has been beautiful.

but it is time for me to rebuild..for me to "regrow my lillies" as stacie said last night.
She'd had a dream. in it i was upset about giving away my favorite lillies that i had spent a long time growing, nurturing, and i wanted them back so badly.
i felt that i had done the wrong thing by giving them away.
but they could not be returned, and they can never be.
I simply have to nurture & grow them again from seeds.

This struck me on so many levels about so many of my relationships.
how freely do i actually give?
why do i have such a problem accepting gifts in return?

As i move further into the weird ass mystical stage i'm in, I feel a deepening.
I understand myself & the entire world with so much more depth every day.
it's amazing, it's a gift.

I only hope that those i share with will always understand that i always care, I really am being honest, and that whether or not I'm around in person, I'm always around in spirit, as every one of you has a home in my heart, and there's more than enough room for many many more.

so let's have a party in there, huh?!
and don'tcha ever worry about me having a good time,
Seeing you flourish is all that i need.
i love you all.

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