Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Gone

Well, spent the last 2 days helping stacie & thomas move things out of their apartment.
I took a lot of the furniture, which was weird, because I was actually moving it back into my home (I still live where we lived together for 5 years).
sitting that chest of drawers in the spot that it used to find its home in brought tears to my eyes.
so hard to say goodbye to her, I love her so much.
we've grown so damn close over the years.
closer now than ever.
yet here I was once again saying goodbye to her as she rode off in a taxi to the airport, on her way on the next journey.
I hope all goes well for them.
I wish them only the best.

yet deep inside, I know that I really wish she was here with me.

the stress of dealing with this all was made even worse by Margaret, who decided that I was way out of line for having the bench seat from the mini-van in the garage for a day (not in anyone's way, mind you). and besides this, she is blaming me for a roach problem that has developed in the back of the basement & in her apartment.
never mind that she said that she first saw them in her tub & sink (which points to entrance from the sewer), or that out of the "hundreds" she says she's killed, there have been all of 2, yes 2! in my apartment, one by the back door (wish is attached to the basement where she has been seeing them), and one on my counter already dead, right next to the back door.
there were many very frustrated & rather juvenile things that she wrote to me about it all basically saying that it would be my fault if the problem persists.
never mind that what she describes as things stored in the basement that could harbor them includes more of her stored things than mine.
something must be making her feel really out of control right now,cus she's on a self -righteous rampage.
I could go on & on but I will not, it's not worth the effort.
I'll just say that she has a real good knack for being bossy when she wants things her way but shirking responsibility when she does not want to deal with something.
makes me want to move.
very very frustrating.

but so far, today has been calm & quiet. It's been nice.
I hope the day stays that way.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Loss

Here I sit, once again preparing to send stacie on her way, away from me.
We have not been together for about 4 years now, yet I feel that we are closer than we have ever been.
She and her husband Thomas are moving to Berlin.
today is the day in which we are moving their furniture into storage.
I am coming into possession of her book collection & a chest of drawers.
I am grateful, yet at the same time hope that they are not simply a reminder of that which I have had to let go of.
Nothing like having a constant reminder in your bedroom!

this is teh second time that I've had to swallow my feelings for her & let her go on her adventures.
many of you would probably say that I am out of line even thinking such things considering that she is married to someone else, but then, I'd say that you have not experienced the true timeless connection that comes with true love.
it's not about possession, owning, claiming rights...
it is about the sharing that occurs.
simply knowing that she is now going to be across the Atlantic, that we will not be able to look into each other's eyes as we talk.
it makes me sad.
I so want to ask her to stay, but I can't.
we've said what has needed to be said.
we had a wonderful day together last Sunday, and in many ways, I wish that we could just say goodbye at that.
that we would not have the frustrations that come with moving things, with final goodbyes.
I know that we will still be in touch, but it will just not be the same.
once again, I have been a temporary in reality, but a permanent in spirit.
maybe one day the physical sharing will stay, I will become more than a catalyst, a temporary blip in someone's life.

Opportunities have come gone, none of them feeling so natural, well, there was one, but that's another story...

I know things are blossoming for me, if only I could get unstuck from the mud.
my head does, but my life does not.
what I am afraid of, I cannot quite pin down, but I need to stop being afraid.

the time has come to shed the old, to be born into the new & to shine like the sun.

I just need to make it through the next two days....

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Return to dream city


I don't know about the rest of you, but I have a few locations that keep repeating in my dreams.
I intuit that the is one city in particular, and I have to wonder if it is a real place, not necessarily in this dimension, but maybe in another.
is it possible that I am having bleed-over between my multi-dimensional aspects of self?
I like to think so.
Last night I found myself in one of the areas of this city again. It is getting to the point that I can actually map certain locations - I can feel the layout and I know where the location I was in is in relation to other areas from other dreams.

the scenario last night was one in which a friend asked if I could substitute teach for him. I agreed not thinking about the fact that I do not have a college degree which would allow me to do so. When I realized this, the dream changed directions.
I was on a street that reminded me of the south loop end of Michigan Ave. here in Chicago.
As I turned onto a sidestreet, the level dropped, and I was all of a sudden in an area that seemed to be for driving instruction. I crossed this area & ended up in a small complex that was a couple of restaurants. One was more round in layout & had something to do with clowns, ice cream & hamburgers. haha.
I walked thru them & exited onto a street that went downhill into a mare familiar area that had more of a familiar feel.
When I got to the bottom of the hill I realized upon looking back that I knew the area. This is the point in which dreams collided.
I realized that the hill I had just come down is one that leads out of the city into a heavily wooded area, one that I have the feeling is still wilderness. I also know that before the dense woods there is another small town at the top of that long hill that has many shops, of the independent kind...a general store, a shop of esoterica that I had visited before for I don't remember what, along with a few other places. Kind of the last stop before leaving civilization.

From where I was standing in the intersection at the bottom of the hill, there is also a major entry to an interstate type of road that splits into two levels.
I remember traveling the upper level before. The entire passage skirts one side of this city. I cannot quite explain the layout here, but the exits & entrances are a little bit confusing. I can see them in my head & can probably even draw them, but at the same time, it seems that all of them do not exist at once, but only as being observed, very much as quantum physics says that particles exist.

oh, I forgot about the semi dilapidated house which I passed by on my way from the restaurant to the road. In this yard, and crossing a type of bridge that was more like crossing a log. If I remember correctly, it was crossing a small ravine like situation. As I crossed it, there were 2 African American males coming from the other direction, both of which were dressed like Baptists & singing songs of praise. As we met & said hello, they asked about my necklace - an osho mala, and when I began to explain to them what it represents, I could feel them turn off/shut down, as if I could actually witness the brain function switch off in protection of that which they believe. A wall was erected, so to speak, and they turned & went on their own way, continuing as if they had never crossed my path at all.

back to the intersection...

well, unfortunately, at the point I made connections, my alarm went off. Of course, this may also be the only reason I remember all of this so vividly.

maybe I should start mapping out this world on paper. Maybe even paint it.
I wonder how much of it I can bring back into this realm & if there happens to actually be a place or will be a place where this exists in this material world.

In the past, I also remember a huge town square area that reminded me of "eastern block" countries. It was a huge t-shaped plaza with a huge pale salmon colored building at front & center.
I remember military action happening, tanks to be precise, or huge vehicles that were similar to tanks.
I was on foot, trapped in a sense, when all of a sudden woman which I felt intensely in tune with popped out of the top of one of the vehicles & called me to her in order to get me in there & out of harms way.
I do not remember any more details of that dream than that (the dream was at least a few years ago), except for the fact that when I awoke from that dream, that was the first time that I realized the repetitive nature of this city.

It may be time for me to start practicing lucid dreaming, to start exploring & attempting to figure out just what is goin on here.

so very interesting & intriguing.
I want to know what that city is & just what it means to me.
I can feel it's importance.
it feels more important than this world which we tend to consider the more real.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

ready, set ,go!

and we're off...
more earthchanges & drastic weather rearing it's head.
get ready folks...
nature is gettin ready to smakc us & let us know that no matter what we may say or believe, we have NOT stepped free of evolution.
We are being shown just how poorly designed our way of life is.
it is not in tune with nature and the natural cycles, and since this is the case, we suffer & break instead of bend & dance.

in other news...
rockin a new iBook as of yesterday & am finally able to run my audio programs the wya they are supposed to run! whoohoo!
chose the iBook instead of powerbook for both cost effectiveness & ruggedness.
this means the following: new website design coming, dj mixes to be uploaded (finally!), and a basic movement forward on the digital creative front.

for now, it's back to work...

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Yahoo complicit in the rounding up of Chinese dissidents

as if the ever expanding google empire is not scary enough...
from the unknowncountry.com newsletter:

Yahoo has been accused of turning over information to the Chinese police that has led to the imprisonment of a Chinese reporter for ten years, for allegedly transmitting state secrets abroad.

The reporter, Shi Tao, transmitted information about an official document outlining media restrictions ahead of the 15th anniversary of the 1989 Tiananmen Square massacre, according to Reporters Without Borders.

According to Reporters Without Borders, Yahoo is known to collaborate with China in tracking down dissidents, and fully co-operates with Chinese authorities in giving them full access to supposedly private material on Yahoo's Chinese sites.

The company collaborates with this totalitarian regime because China is a lucrative market

read more about it here

Monday, September 05, 2005

encounters

well, this sure was an interesting weekend.
spent friday night running errands & cleaning.
felt good to get things done before the weekend started.

saturday proved to be a little trying.
I found out that stacie is moving to berlin with her husband thomas.
I guess i just don't like the idea of being so far away from her.
she's been one of the most important people in my life for so long.
I'm glad i got to share the times we have as both partners and as friends.
we spent most of the day & evening together and it was really nice.
I'm going to miss her more than i can express.

sunday had its interesting moments as well.
I think I saw pete.
i've always wondered when that would happen.
I was actually a bit amused by it, probably because it did not effect me at all, and i had thought that it would.
happened on the el & he decided to get on the car in front of me when he saw me. (as he was transferin from the red to brown lines)
at least i think that was him....
he probably thinks that i still have plans to come try to steal sweet p away from him.
no worries pete, i've let it go.
i still care, but i've relinquished the desire.
later this month it will be a year since patricia & i last saw wach other or spoke to one another.
i miss her, but I'm not all depressed about it .
it was an amazing experience to get to spend the time with her that i did.
I hope both of them are well.
i hope both of them are happy.

so many intense experiences occuring for so many people these days.
i wish great strength to us all.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

reports of Cannibalism In New Orleans

well, I guess we can't really be surprised at this.
Survival is survival.
Cannibalism in New Orleans

anotha new song posted

I just finished uploading my newest song to my myspace page
It's called "Belly Full of Butteflies (How I feel When I Look In Your Eyes)"
makes me think of mouse on mars collaborating with 4hero or something like that.
I hope you enjoy!
I'm having so much fun with the ESX!