Sunday, September 25, 2005

Loss

Here I sit, once again preparing to send stacie on her way, away from me.
We have not been together for about 4 years now, yet I feel that we are closer than we have ever been.
She and her husband Thomas are moving to Berlin.
today is the day in which we are moving their furniture into storage.
I am coming into possession of her book collection & a chest of drawers.
I am grateful, yet at the same time hope that they are not simply a reminder of that which I have had to let go of.
Nothing like having a constant reminder in your bedroom!

this is teh second time that I've had to swallow my feelings for her & let her go on her adventures.
many of you would probably say that I am out of line even thinking such things considering that she is married to someone else, but then, I'd say that you have not experienced the true timeless connection that comes with true love.
it's not about possession, owning, claiming rights...
it is about the sharing that occurs.
simply knowing that she is now going to be across the Atlantic, that we will not be able to look into each other's eyes as we talk.
it makes me sad.
I so want to ask her to stay, but I can't.
we've said what has needed to be said.
we had a wonderful day together last Sunday, and in many ways, I wish that we could just say goodbye at that.
that we would not have the frustrations that come with moving things, with final goodbyes.
I know that we will still be in touch, but it will just not be the same.
once again, I have been a temporary in reality, but a permanent in spirit.
maybe one day the physical sharing will stay, I will become more than a catalyst, a temporary blip in someone's life.

Opportunities have come gone, none of them feeling so natural, well, there was one, but that's another story...

I know things are blossoming for me, if only I could get unstuck from the mud.
my head does, but my life does not.
what I am afraid of, I cannot quite pin down, but I need to stop being afraid.

the time has come to shed the old, to be born into the new & to shine like the sun.

I just need to make it through the next two days....

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