Thursday, October 06, 2005

clearing it out

I've been purging, slowly, but ever so surely & steadily, all of things things that have accumulated over the years.
moving some of stacie's stuff back into my apartment woke me up to a lot...things that i'd had in the back of my mind & would think a bit about, but not yet want to deal with.

cleansing my home, body, lifestyle...all of it.
i put it off because i become afraid of the power that i know i have when i am at my best.
afraid to shine in a time when those who question things the way i do have a high risk of persecution of the worst kind.
but i guess that is no different from any other time, truth be known.

There's always been a strange calling in me...since i was a young boy.
one which i've never wanted to speak of, due to it's grandiose nature.
yet it feels completely natural to me, and i recognize the same calling in others who have come before, most recently, osho.

I even remember thinking in college, after reading some of V.I. Lenin's works, that there needed to be something new...that all of this pandering to the old dreams of how america was supposedly founded & what democracy & capitalism means, to blanket mindsets of communism and socialism, libertarianism, secularism...allof these comprtmentalized things...
i remember thinking that a goal i had was to synthesize these, and to be try to find the flaws, look at it as a problem solver, and attempt to envision a new way, one that surpasses all that has come before.

Too many in the west relax into this thought, this concept that we are at the pinnacle, that there is nothing new to come after this, and i say that not only is this completely false, it is also death incarnate, it is slavery of the worst sort.
It is living in illusion, and it is insanity - doing the same thing over & over & expecting a different result.

I've always walked the middle path, straying to & fro in order to experience differnt ways & thoughts. a year as an ecstatic christian, years studying different esoterica.
totally believing what i am ingesting at the moment in order to empathize, to experience the way/mindset of that which i am ingesting. connecting rather than judging.
oh, sure, there has been a lot of judgement in my life, it's hard to escape it being an aries. i have a tendency towards policing & criticizing. it is my nature.
i knew that long before knowing that the sun sign of aries reinforces this.
this question is can i manage to find the most visionary & creative & constructive channels for this energy?

lately, one question that has loomed huge for me is "why am i having a problem with intimacy when it comes to new people in my life?"
friends, lovers, it matters not. i have had a difficult time commiting to anything other than "the path" lately.
it creates a situation where i do not even attempt to enter into close relationships wiht others due to my challenging way of being. I fear causing them pain, being an asshole, being something other than what they expect due to their cultural conditioning.

it's hard to live in close proximity with people who do not even have the same reality template as you do.
I have met very few who are even close to resonance with me.
i don't know how to deal with it.
when one is trying to give birth to an entirely new world, how can one hold onto the old? how can one even resonate with it?
I've been coming to a point where all of the things that are taken for granted as reality, as how things should be. are becoming false, illusions, control mechanisms.
so many believe that they are there to help us rise above, to become better...but have we really? have they done anything good for us?
we are living in a time where very few realize how disposable they treat the world to be, as if it only exists to serve their immediate needs & that they do not have to take responsibility for anything other than making money.

i do not feel at home in civilization any more.
all of the things that are supposed to be my creative tools even feel like addictions, like they are in so many ways unnatural, even though some of them, such as the internet, are some of the very elements which are making the new reality capable.
our conception of the cosmos, of life, of everything has to broaden, to expand, and to become more empathic.
the connections have been entering back into the realm of science for the last century & people still want to act like it's not happening, still living in an aristotelian/ cartesian world.

all of this mind junk I'm writing right now...even this is a sort of masturbatory thing...but it leads somewhere....

we need to stop getting caught up in the process & remember that although the process is life, what we experience & is so damn rich & full of contradictions, when we reach the other side of the river it's time to abandon the boat.

i may be full of my own illusions, but at least i am aware of it.

i just need to somehow make peace with intimacy again.
with sharing openly in more than simply a friendly manner.
tough to do when i believe that i should have the same love & respect for everyone.
i do not believe that family is any more deserving just because they are family.
i do not believe that community is any more deserving simply because i live there.
it's all connected..everywhere, all time.
why would i ever wish to limit my love?
and if i cannot meet the preconceived notions of what someone else limits love to be, how can i ever be in a "normal" relationship?
so many questions... i must experience even deepr to find the answers.


  1. I love cleaning closets and starting fresh, too.

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