Wednesday, November 30, 2005


gettin a little chilly out there.
at least here.
things are good. had a couple fo days of what felt like the begining of the flu but it seems to have passed.
got a new showerhead that seems to ahve solved my horrible water pressure problem.
this morning's shower was the best shower i've had in years.
i may be designing a new website for work. looking forward to that & maybe along with it a change of duties at work.
gettin over my moodiness that has been ruling me for the past couple of weeks.
probably helps to have new flirtations in my life :)
(shout out to the CO,MO crew! goddesses in the hizzous! haha!)
i want this shirt:

Monday, November 28, 2005

our greatest tool

there is one and only one tool, one technology whichh takes so many forms which should be the central focus of our transformation of the current worldstate.
it is meditation.
if one learns to clear the mind, to drop everything, to enter into the state of "no-mind" if only even for a moment, one can learn how to drop all programming, and once we drop out programming, we can no longer be controlled.
we can begin to see through the veil, to see the type of subtle manipulations that occur, to move past having blind faith in anything and moving into an existential reality.
it does not matter whether one is liberal or conservative, right or left, siner or saint.
all of these definitions are falsities, they are masks, they are programs.
each of us as differentiated being has complete control over how we relate to the "other".
we choose how we relate to death, how we relate to birth, to creativity to everything!
the sooner we are capable of moving into this way of being, this natural ability, the sooner we can create visionary & cocreative communities rather than buy into the communities whihc have been designed & handed to us in the marketplace., given to us by the priests & politicians, by all of those who have weaseled their way towards the top of the pyramid.

we need a new type of hierarchy, one based on the tetrahedron rather than the square based pyramid.
no matter how much power any new age zealot wants to convince you that the "egyptian" square based pyramid produces, it is only in an extremely localized way.
when one moves into cosmic awareness, there is no longer an up or down, a top or bottom. these become completely irrelevant except in relation to other localized manifestation.
there is no top and bottom if there is no gravity!
so, if up and down , top and bottom, are situational, relative in nature, how can we ever even begin to believe that a structural system which is designed for specific reference (i.e. having an "up" and a "down" or "top" and "bottom") will work in a pluralistic society?
it cannot! EVER!
it is not designed by nature to do so!
it is designed as an exploitive device.

truly understand this...all of the politically minded out there that think that you can change things from within the system...
the system itself is evolutionarily flawed at it's very core. it CANNOT and WILL NOT survive.
it needs to be dropped.
nothing else will do.
many of us like to believe that civilization as we know it is so tremendously beautiful because it has allowed us to be still for longer times, to search more inwards. but this is totally untrue!
we must work MORE to survive & provide for ourselves within civilization than we ever would have had to as hunter gatherers.
we have created one of the most inefficient, non symbiotic ways of being possible.
i am not saying it is wrong, taht it shuld not have happened. that would be a waste of time & nothing but an act of egotism.
rather, the time has come to move beyond, to start to create & actualize a new way.
so many want the answer to be readymade - we are so incredibly programmed as consumers in that way!
but it cannot be readymade! life cannot be readymade!
it is a dance, an experiment, a work of art.
it is ok to make mistakes, to fail along the way - the key is to learn, to integrate yet remain vital & fresh.
the beauty is in teh recovery, in the dynamic that occurs when one learns how to recover & move on from the mistakes.
and this applies to all aspects of life.

we must loosen up. not be so serious, and not think that sitting around talking politics & social issues means anything because it is nothing more than hot wind.
it is our every action and interaction which matters most.
it is our expression of creativity, teh way we speak, the way we look, the wya we relate whcih matterrs most.
you can say things all day long - that is the realm of those who are more interested in being right, of being judged as holy or intelligent.
it is total fakery.
it is posing.

Sunday, November 27, 2005


been workin my way thru the start wars movies this weekend.
it really surprises me how many of the most extraordinary aspects of that movie were not intended, or at least that lucas is not talking about the intent in the bonus material, or if he does it is much much shallower than i thought it would or should be.

beyond that nnot much happening. I have wanted to be a hermit lately.
i dunno if it is winter or what. feel like i need to reset my dials.
yesterday i was thinkin that i'd like to have a month of silence.
seems a bit excessive, but could be radically effective.
no music or vid stimuli. hard to imagine.
i am so addicted to both.

sittin in B&B right now on sunday morning & just thinkin about all of the bs i let swirl around in me & take over.
my out of control crushes and the inability or unwillingness to ask any of these crushes out.
matter of fact ,i sit here looking at one of them right now.
if only i was younger....

two guys are sitting talking about past politics & the iron curtain a couple of tables away & i'm realizing how much that kinda stuff makes me laugh. i've become so awakened to the truth about the veil of politics that i can't even imagine believing that political answers will ever solve everything.
they solve nothing. like bullshit bandaids they are, allowing the wound to turn gangreen under their shallow understanding & care for things.
politics only exist to feed ego, to make people feel that they are involved.
yes, there are some things which do actually manage to work being created & dealt with in this manner, but very few. and really, all political solutions just create more political problems.
politics os of the head.
it is ideological, and can never be what it aims at being because of this.
it is for textbooks & classrooms, for dead minds, minds that are enslaved by history.
if this is not the case, why is it that the same situations keep recycling?
it is due to lack of visionary solutions. it is due to this idea of right & wrong, of identity with ego, with nation, with place, with family even.
all of these walls we put up. separating ourselves, destroying connections. reinforcing otheers thru false notions of what it means to love.
if you really believe that some people are more worthy of love than others, then you do not know what love is!
you have missed it!
love cannot be contained. it has no limits. NONE!!!!!!!
yes, we have to be aware and awake when it comes to sharing, to experiencing, but it is not a limitation.
it does not mean shut off!
it means go deeper. seek empathy. understanding. connection.

i keep finding myself a bit disturbed y how cut off one of myfriends is, doing whatever he can to keep unintended interactions out of his life. headphones as a wall.
walls all over. yet trying to bridge a wall that I'm not so sure he is aware of the consequences of.
cryptic? a little. but for now i leave it at that.
I think i simply need to come to the realization that i am in a position to help him wiht his understanding of what is happening before it is too late.
it involves international affairs, with a very sketchy country.
and i do not think that he wishes to realize the truths behind the government which is helping him realize his project.
the big red C. it is going to be interesting to see how that country acts over the next few years.
hard to believe that people are not wondering why it is that they are attempting to inplement a HUGE language program in the US. they already make the majority of what we buy.
(if that ain't enough clues for ya, i dunno what to say)
so, i aqm trying to figure oout how to open nmy friend up to questioning motives.
it is easy to get caught up in not paying attention to that when one is receiving lots of funding for their programs from this big names in international affairs.
it'a going to be an interesting decade. nuff said.

back to star wars to finish... has anyone realized that in truth that movie is a battle between monotheistic/dualist theology & zen/ non diety based beliefs?
the sith are not much different that yahweh, ya know.
the judaic tradition, including christianity can pretend all they want, but read that frikkin Talmud. one of the first major idealogical acts of genocide was performed by teh followers of YHWH when they took the "holy land" salughtering everyone, including children & taking the virgins of their enemies as their wives.
THIS is the foundation of monotheism.
and the excuse: they were nefilim! offspring of fallen angels.
i don't buy it.
the blasphemous question: what if yahweh is the greatest deceiver ever?
espousing love while spreading the most hateful doctrine ever throughout the world?
is this not exactly what history shows us?
it is why so many morons become atheists.
and it is understandable.
but to simply abandon possobilities of something more because of one horrendous version of "god" is childish.
it is shallow, and those who do so know no depth.
they cannot, as they have built a wall, a limit to what they can believe, what they can perceive.
but at least they have also abandoned the notion of this parentlike figure.
they have simply contracted rather than expanded.
and it is too bad.
i am amused at how the whole "inteligent design" debate has now got BOTH sides of the BS creationism vs. evolution argument all fussy.
maybe we are ready to start growing into a broader discussion.
something with possibilities, with vision, with some life to it.
one can only hope.

enough ranting.

so how many of you did i upset today?

enjoy it. it may be the seed to someething new.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

day of nothing

feel empty,
want nothing,
nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me sad,
yet there is some sort of undefinable yearning underneath it all.
a need to connect. to feel. to be.

I'm tired of this feeling, theis stuckness.
even when i accomplish things, it does not stick.
i have been getting great feedback from my myspace music page.
yet this is only a temporary high.
an indicator of direction. pointing in a direction of success, of acceptance, of people enjoying my creativity.
yet today, after leaving work early & coming home before coming over here to B&B to get a sammich, i looked at my music equipment & thought 'why have i been spending so much money on this stuff? am i really going to use it like i think i will? is that even what i really want to do?"

this is the puch/pull struggle that i have inside of me.
there is a huge part of me that wishes to wash all of that away, to let go of any desire to move forward with it.
today, at this moment, it feels so frivolous, meaningless, unimportant.
it is a day when the flame seeks fuel.
when the journey of enlightenment calls constantly.
how to marry these realities.
how to follow that path yet interact in a somewhat normal manner with people.
i am having a difficult time with this right now.

there is an urge to have someone close, to seek a mate, to act on one of my many crushes.
yet i cannot seem to shed this overwhelming feeling that i am not ready, or that i would cause massive damage to anyone who becomes involved with me.
such an interesting feeling i have right now. feeling both lost found at the same time.
but it remains so damn abstract.

what am i doing & why am i doing it?
am i really so self absorbed right now that i will not let anyone in?
or am i simply so busy getting the "in" out that there is no longer an "in" for anyone to enter?
is this what it feels like to experience the dissolution of the ego?

maybe it''s all just simple. really simple. like the fact that i have not been able to take my normal morning showers for over a month due to water pressure problems that for some odd reason margaret willnot take care of even though she can have some very unprofessional tree trimmers come & wreak havok on our huge trees so that she can have a sunnier yard that she will not use at all this winter.

at least i feel like i've come up with some ideas for art projects that excite me.

i mean, what is my problem? why is theis seriousness overwhelming me?
i want to play! to let go! to be free of this sstupid mindset.
of this mind!
yet i feaer if i let go of it, nothing will be done externally.
it will all disappear, and right when it is ripe for moving outward, for success, for recognition, for all of those things that i guess exist really for no other reason than to feed ego.

have i become so caught up in wanting to see things differently than everyone else, to see deeper, to feel deeper, to make connections synthesizing things, that i can no longer relate to the culture i am living in?

the truth is, i think i'm full of shit.
i think i've been spending the last few days confronting all of my hypocricies, all of my errors in who i think i am, who i envision myself to be.
i have become so damn hypersensitive as to how i effect others - to the point where it too often leadsto that fear of hurting others.
i feel childish feeling that way, yet at the same time, feel that it is something that is extremely important for me to work through.
I know that with every revelation, i expandmore, become more loving & aware, and free myself a litle bit more from all of this cultural programming which has been imbedded in my psyche since birth.

i just wanna play dammit!
i need to get over myself, and soon!

and dare i say, seet p, you really did a number on me..i'm only now realizing how much you screwed with my head, either lying to yourself or lying to mehen droppiing me like a hot potato into the fire.
i wish you would have taken more responsibility with your words, your actions, your looks.
no one has looked me in the eyes the way you did, and now here i am hoping that i will feel that again.
i have not found it yet, i will not give up, but it is frustrating.
i wish you would have made the leap.

to all of the new peeps in my life, i greatly appreciate you, you are wonderful & i look forward to getting to know you more & more.
so many wonderful women out there...goddesses.
does one of you want to walk by my side ? ;^)

i;'m not even gonna proofread this away!

Monday, November 14, 2005


many small things happenin...
been continuing to slowly work on the new painting.
been spending more time learning how to use Ableton Live & devise my new setup for making music.
speaking of music, i went to see jeremy ellis & john arnold at the Darkroom on friday & it was a great time.
always inspiring to watch them rock out on their MPC's. FREESTYLE!*wink to jeremy*
had a hard time getting myself to be motivated to go on my own, but glad i did, as within 15 minutes of getting there jeremy sat down next to me at the bar & we gt to chat for a bit & i gave him a cd.
having mostly been an outsider, a floater, never part of any particular scene, i'm amazed at how kidlike i sometimes feel when i get the chance to meet those who i like to think of as artistic peers.
i've been spendin too much time at home & not enough time socializing.
feelin a bit retarded in that way...lost social grace or something.
well, not really, but lost my sense, my awareness of the fact that i thrive in those situations if i simply loosen up.

not much else to report...lots of crushes (normal)... still reading lots of bhagwan/osho...
still wondering if i'll find someone willing to put up with a strange fellow such as myself ;^)
not worried about any of it.
just happy to be living & able to be, to express, to smile, and to be lucky enough to see the array of beautiful people that i see within a day.