Tuesday, November 22, 2005

day of nothing

today...
nothing.
feel empty,
want nothing,
nothing makes me happy, nothing makes me sad,
yet there is some sort of undefinable yearning underneath it all.
a need to connect. to feel. to be.

I'm tired of this feeling, theis stuckness.
even when i accomplish things, it does not stick.
i have been getting great feedback from my myspace music page.
yet this is only a temporary high.
an indicator of direction. pointing in a direction of success, of acceptance, of people enjoying my creativity.
yet today, after leaving work early & coming home before coming over here to B&B to get a sammich, i looked at my music equipment & thought 'why have i been spending so much money on this stuff? am i really going to use it like i think i will? is that even what i really want to do?"

this is the puch/pull struggle that i have inside of me.
there is a huge part of me that wishes to wash all of that away, to let go of any desire to move forward with it.
today, at this moment, it feels so frivolous, meaningless, unimportant.
it is a day when the flame seeks fuel.
when the journey of enlightenment calls constantly.
how to marry these realities.
how to follow that path yet interact in a somewhat normal manner with people.
i am having a difficult time with this right now.

there is an urge to have someone close, to seek a mate, to act on one of my many crushes.
yet i cannot seem to shed this overwhelming feeling that i am not ready, or that i would cause massive damage to anyone who becomes involved with me.
such an interesting feeling i have right now. feeling both lost found at the same time.
but it remains so damn abstract.

what am i doing & why am i doing it?
am i really so self absorbed right now that i will not let anyone in?
or am i simply so busy getting the "in" out that there is no longer an "in" for anyone to enter?
is this what it feels like to experience the dissolution of the ego?

maybe it''s all just simple. really simple. like the fact that i have not been able to take my normal morning showers for over a month due to water pressure problems that for some odd reason margaret willnot take care of even though she can have some very unprofessional tree trimmers come & wreak havok on our huge trees so that she can have a sunnier yard that she will not use at all this winter.

at least i feel like i've come up with some ideas for art projects that excite me.

i mean, what is my problem? why is theis seriousness overwhelming me?
i want to play! to let go! to be free of this sstupid mindset.
of this mind!
yet i feaer if i let go of it, nothing will be done externally.
it will all disappear, and right when it is ripe for moving outward, for success, for recognition, for all of those things that i guess exist really for no other reason than to feed ego.

have i become so caught up in wanting to see things differently than everyone else, to see deeper, to feel deeper, to make connections synthesizing things, that i can no longer relate to the culture i am living in?

the truth is, i think i'm full of shit.
i think i've been spending the last few days confronting all of my hypocricies, all of my errors in who i think i am, who i envision myself to be.
i have become so damn hypersensitive as to how i effect others - to the point where it too often leadsto that fear of hurting others.
i feel childish feeling that way, yet at the same time, feel that it is something that is extremely important for me to work through.
I know that with every revelation, i expandmore, become more loving & aware, and free myself a litle bit more from all of this cultural programming which has been imbedded in my psyche since birth.

i just wanna play dammit!
i need to get over myself, and soon!

and dare i say, seet p, you really did a number on me..i'm only now realizing how much you screwed with my head, either lying to yourself or lying to mehen droppiing me like a hot potato into the fire.
i wish you would have taken more responsibility with your words, your actions, your looks.
no one has looked me in the eyes the way you did, and now here i am hoping that i will feel that again.
i have not found it yet, i will not give up, but it is frustrating.
i wish you would have made the leap.

to all of the new peeps in my life, i greatly appreciate you, you are wonderful & i look forward to getting to know you more & more.
so many wonderful women out there...goddesses.
does one of you want to walk by my side ? ;^)

i;'m not even gonna proofread this one..post away!

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