Tuesday, December 27, 2005


lack of sleep.
that is the easiest way to describe my holiday weekend.
it was good, but tiring.
a mixture of various forms of transportatioin from foot to train to car & back.
i don't mind riding the train.
not many details to share.
just some hagning out with family & friends.
now i need to prepare for the next long train trip this weekend.
i have a feeling that it is going to be the best adventure i have been on in a long time.
for now, it's time to clean my home and keep moving forward with all fo my various creative projects.
wish i felt like writing more...maybe later...

new dj mix posted

just posted a new mix i did while riding the amtrak this christmas.
it's just under 75 minutes long & 65MB.

get it here

a little latin, a little broken, and a lotta northern european electronic groove.
a few iffy spots, but pretty smooth overall.

here's the tracklist:

1) Bauchklang - Sunshine
2) Planet Deep -Only Freak
3) Untitled - Four Flies (Gerd's Copy Mix)
4) Jazzhino - Constelacao (Quant remix)
5) Amplified Orchestra - The Prophecy
6) Roy Ayers - Holiday (Broken version)
7) Nathan Haines - Long (4hero remix)
8) Jaymz Nylon as African Audio Research Program - How Deep Is Deep? (Champion Soul remix)
9) Mark De Clive-Lowe - State of the Mental (Maddslinky remix)
10) Flowriders - Pheremone
11) Colonel Red - U Gimme That Feelin'
12) Delgui feat. Marilyn David - Boogie Bridge (Gerd's 4lux remix)
13) Robert Strauss - The Empire Strikes Back

Friday, December 23, 2005


After a good workout last night, some time simply being & relaxing, and a lot of contemplation, I have to say that I am breathing deep.
it always seems as if all of the aspects of my life that seem unknown, up in the air, and pregnant with possibilities collide at once in a huge swell of energy.
I've been learning to focus it, but sometimes it seems to end up getting a little out of control.
I express myself. It flows out, and sometimes it confounds people. Other times it consoles them.
all of the time it helps me make sense of whatever the heck is going on inside of me & around me.

I've noticed quite often in life that I have this notion that I am not allowed to make mistakes, to go through rough & confusing times & emotions.
sometimes it proves true. Others are not always comfortable with it. Some want to instantly console & make it go away, others simply wish to turn their backs. The best know full well that it is all a part of the learning process & something that I have to go through, just as they have to go through their own experiences.

I keep feeling this calling, this need to help others realize their experiences, to help them acquire a clearer vision of their own path.
many times while doing this I will forget my own.
then I realize, oh yeah...Didn't I say that I am walking the pathless path? What the heck did I expect?

On Wednesday night, reality fell out from under me & I was all of a sudden in the void.
instantly. The experience came out of nowHere.
all of a sudden the immensity of the illusion really set in, and there was my ego asking out loud "well, what the fuck do I do now?"
all human understanding..Interpretations, metaphors, beliefs, religions, sciences, everything. Illusion. Nothing but language. Nothing but interpretation, nothing but all of us painting a giant canvas that we call life together. teh great tangled hierarchy of infinite interconnection.
believing it rationally is one thing, but actually experiencing it quite another.
now comes the process of integration - how to be a part of everyday life, how to PLAY, how to CELEBRATE, how to LET GO and simply be IN THE MOMENT.

I had forgotten it all too readily, being all wrapped up in a new swell of emotions.
I must not be allowing myself the community that I would thrive in because when someone so wonderful that I feel such an intense connection to comes around, I dive head first. And each time it seems that I dive faster & deeper.
it's all genuine, real. And I think those who think that it is wrong or misguided are really missing out on one of the most joyous and alive aspects of living.
sometimes I myself miss it. Many times.
but then I find it again, and realize that I had simply lost focus, gotten tangled up in this identity, this imagining of who I am or am supposed to be, how I am supposed to act, what I am supposed to do and say.
all self imposed, as I have spent the majority of my life attempting to outpace my programmers.

now I find myself once again on teh edge of the cosmic cliff. Staring into infinity.
everything possible. If I can keep my heart pure, my motives selfless, and my being focused.

to share, it is all I want to do.

I am almost ready to announce that my whole life is dedicated to this.
to learning, to teaching, to sharing, to birthing more love & awareness of our connections.
but there is still that trace of ego there that maybe I need in order to get some other things done, in order to develop the languages, metaphors & images that will aid me on this journey.

all I know is that I am surrendered to it.
I am in sannyas with the infinite.

I am looking forward to the new connections I am making, they are with wonderful beings.
I need to make sure to remain open to these experiences. Completely.

cultural programming brings in fear in order to try to control, to protect, to maintain an old vision of what this self is supposed to be. Like the death throws of our current cultural paradigm, it going to be a trying & challenging task to deal with these issues.
but it is something that we all need to be concentrating on.
there are some big changes coming.
and that is the understatement of the century.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

exorcising faulty programming

she burns my ego away, and i cannot resist my willingness to play.
confronted inside with all of my ghosts, past present & yet to be.
emotional immaturity or overzealous visions for what could be?
i do not, cannot know, unless i experience.
yes, experience, it reveals truth, subjectively, it's true, but truth nonetheless.

schizophrenic messages from the past come knocking, telling me not to believe what i hear.
intuition saying so many wonderful things, yet being smacked by a bipolar past of dealing with psychological games.
having to face things left untended, things that one wishes would simply fade into the past.
wanting to let go. wanting to again live dangerously, risking so much with no attachment to outcome.
more easily said than done.

i do not forget what happened before, knowingly & willingly venturing into dangerous waters, accepting the risk of disaster,
of broken heart, of being "wrong".
there is nothing to fuck with your head quite like someone telling you one night that they will do everything in their power to make sure that they get to experience sharing their life with you. calling you Pan, Dionysian...
surrendering into feelings long bottled up & letting them flow forth like a swollen river, finally accepting them, expressing them, after too much time of repression. she let so many truths that i felt, that i knew to be true finally be expressed.
I have not heard from her but once or twice since that day, and those words were so surreal, unreal.
she ran the other way.and i understand. but understanding does not stop the hurting.
the only thing that ends that is moving on & tending to the wounds, learning, moving deeper into an understanding of both myself & the other.
my intuition - challenged for so long, off & on. one day told it is all true, the next denial.
why did i let it go on for so long?
because i knew the truth & wanted to hear it from her lips.
and i did.
i let myself get battered in the process of proving to myself that i was right. treating my intuition as if it were a holy thing.
and in a way, it is. it has always been a wonderful guide.i give it great respect.
but maybe she was right, maybe i had too much 'self' involved in the whole thing.
and she always thought i would talk ideas to impress her - but really it is just who i am! it is what i do!
but thank creation for that night, for those last moments, because they made it all worth it.
to know one is loved in such a way, even if the other is not ready, may never be, is immeasurably rewarding.
but a proper goodbye would have been nice.

i have not thought much about this for a long time.
i had been turned off.
failed attempts at connection over the past year (apologies to E, & A), innumerable crushes to entertain me as i pass the time waiting...for what?
i am not quite sure.
am i a devotion junky?
can i simply not help but devote myself to whoever i am completely enamored with at the moment? whether it be intellectual, spiritual, physical, emotional? (and when i say devotion, i MEAN it!)
is it even wrong if i do? or is it a step towards the ultimate love?
what exists in between? do I? can I?

I have finally met someone that i feel wonderful about again.
I was beginning to wonder...how long?
and then i relaxed, gave in, & out of nowhere...

Communicating with her has opened me up & started to peel back layers that are needing much attention, much pruning.
I adore her. maybe too much. but she deserves it.and i want her to KNOW completely that she deserves it.
but i cannot help it. i feel something coming from her that resonates, that strikes deep.
my intuition once again buzzing like crazy.
saying yes! adventure!
and then that hurt part, still recovering saying "Remember how that last one took back everything she said?how she swore that she never said the things she did & that you imagined them & were arrogant & selfish in your pursuit?"
(never mind the truth of the things that she DID actually express over those 2 years!)
a fear I want & need to get through, to move through, to grow through.
to let that shit go. for good.
at least i am long past pining for it, missing it...
i have to be if i am even going to consider a serious relationship with anyone.
it is only fair.

i want to live dangerously.
i want to surrender. to not worry, to simply be & relax.
so much...
and when i find that place inside where i simply am, relaxed into my being....bliss.
and when the fear, the insecurity, the programming of the past comes a knocking, the heartrate & bloodpressure rising...
it can become all too easy to fall into the negative - thoughts of not deserving, of being rejected, of being lied to.
it is not always easy to catch oneself. the recognition may not come until afterwards.
I've had enough headgames for this lifetime.
i want to rest.
i want to love.
i want to share.
i want it to be simple.
not so fuckin complex this time.
i want sanity.
real communication
a partner that is really a partner.

i do not know if i am capable of living the philosophies i tend to believe. i do not even know if they are natural to my being.
but it is time to experiment & find out, otherwise I can never truly know.

i do not know if i am deluding myself at all about what i am feeling right now.
i wish i did. i know that it feels real, authentic.
meeting in person will be wonderful, will reveal so much.
things that cannot be revealed any other way.
excited, anxious, a little afraid,not of her, but of myself, of my fears and my ability to deal with them in a mature manner.
i want her to experience the best parts of me.
i get so damn excited that i can get out of control with my emotions. it's the piscean aries mix. those fish give a lot of depth & dreaming to that highly excitable & dynamic aries energy.
better to be too deep than too shallow, don't ya think?

I know that i have been letting myself get carried away, and while it feels wonderful, it may not be the most healthy thing.
so, i apologize to all involved if i am ever too much.

I care. more than the average bear.
i fall in love easily when i meet wonderful beings.
considering it would be bliss to me to be in love with the world, this is a good thing.
i just long to feel the touch of someone who cares. one person (and one in particular)
to be close and just be able to relax into her, to simply BE, together.
such simple things can grow to be huge out of control visions & dreams for the future.
invitations for suffering.
that is not what i want.
i want to be at peace.
not at war with myself.
not at odds with reality, what is meant to be.
i think i've had about enough abstraction for now...
anyone got a little something to ground this here freak?,
cus he's been floating out into the mystical void a little too much lately!
a really big hug would do just right.

but i'm a big boy, i can take it.
i just really needed to express this.
to let it out.
now i can sleep peacefully.

peace & love to all of you.

her being is so beautiful

Random connections

Yesterday afternoon, I decided to walk home from work; to brave the cold.
it was a good walk. A little more taxing than normal, but really really good.

an interesting thing occurred on that walk. A few things actually.
I guess I should back up a bit though...

I finally felt relaxed. relaxed into my work even.
it was good. Much needed.
the new excitement that has entered my life has been keeping me more often in a state of excitement than not.
well, for a little while that afternoon, I managed to be in the now.
the most natural sensation, and all to rare for most of us.

so, back to the walk...

being the holiday season, there are a LOT of people out on Michigan Ave.
well, I took a route up said Ave. As I had decided to walk home up the lakefront.
I had some Utah Philips & Ani DiFranco goin in the headphones & was feeling pretty blissful, even while navigating through the throngs of holiday shoppers who are not used to being pedestrians & tend to not have a clue about the dynamics of traveling by foot within a public setting (I blame the automobile for this one).
a HUGE thank you to j-dog for the Utah/Ani tracks.
they went unbelievably well with the crisp sunny winter day & the thin sheets of ice that stretched out a bit into the lake.
I love watching the drift of the plates & the "rivers" of water that exist between them, thinning & swelling as the ice glides back & forth.

back to the interesting thing that happened...
it was a few blocks before I enter the lakefront, just south of the watertower.
I was walking up the east side of the street and approaching an intersection.
so many people, in both directions, and my natural pace was already rising & I was making my way around people, waiting for the oncoming traffic to clear.
as I was starting to pass & move around everyone, I felt someone from the oncoming group of people grasp my forearm.
it was a quick firm squeeze, the kind that only someone who feels connected to you would give. An nonintrusive hello raised to a level of the need to physically connect, to cross that boundary.
it felt comforting.
I turned to see who it was but nothing registered. I could see no one looking back at me, no one who wanted me to see that it was them.
but then maybe I was not looking hard enough.
I was so lost in the actual experience of the feeling that was created by the action itself that I did not even really feel the need to put a face to it.
just as wonderful to leave it in it's pure form.
but I do wonder who it was.
heck, it could have simply been someone who wanted to know what my jacket felt like, or simply a random act of connection.
no telling really.
but it was interesting nonetheless.

once I got to the lakefront, it washed away though as other things were on my mind.
other people...another person...yeah, you know...
I smiled the whole walk home.
thinking about how much I just want to put my arms around her...

Saturday, December 17, 2005


it's been a great day.
the guiness that i am drinking hte remainder of after putting some into the from scratch chili I am making is makin me feel nice & chill & I am so hapy that i do not have to work tomorrow!

i received some cds in the mail from j-dog today & i swear that I popped the first one in (Padiro Axé -incredible Capoeira music!) and almost started cryin cus it struck me so much. (yeah, i can be all sensitive like that)
wow. so beautiful. I've just started listening to the other cds (Savage Aural Hotbed & Utah Philips & Ani DiFranco) & I just want to...
well, let's just say I can hardly wait till New Year's.
It will be so amazing to finally be able to look into her eyes.

I can smell the scent of that chili wafting in here...3 kinds of dried peppers, plus fresh poblanos & chipotles with some adobo.everything fresh ground by mortar & pestle. garlic, cumin & so many other spices...even a little garam masala.
mmm. i just licked the spoon...SPICY!
right on.

got some christmas shopping done today & started the most important xmas project of all.

think I'll chill for the rest of the eveing & tomorrow will be a day of creativity.

wish i was cooking for more than one...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

energy flows

last night i started doing the Budokon workout again & it was incredible.
i had been having a moody evening and once i hit that point where one relaxes into the workout it all washed away.
i think the martial arts portion is a little bit too hard on my achin toe cus that baby is hurtin today. very tender.
i feel like such a baby talkin about that so much, but damn, when you feel dull pain with each step, it really plays a big part of they day.
even so...it seems that the motion from exercise & movement does help the joints become more flexible. I've decided i probably did not break or fracture any of the bones, but probably did tear some cartilage or connective tissue.
the bruising is almost all visibly gone now.
so, it's a little warmer today, but cooling down tonite, so i'm gonna go for the walk again today & see how it goes.
i just feel so energized today.
total aries energy too. powerful.

the work day has been calm, smooth, yet busy.
need to get some food soon though - blood sugar dropping...
don't want that kinda fussiness to set in.

things are pretty much lined up with all fo the travel plans now, which is good.
now i have to decide what to pack, but no hurry with that.
more of a hurry to finish up the christmas gifts.

i wonder how much of a madhouse the train station is going to be...
i am always a bit amused at how stressed out some people get getting on the train.
just gotta relax & go with the flow. especially during the holidays.
otherwise it's just too much stress.

so, now i'm going to do something i have not done in a long time!


"You see the people ?
they are miserable because they have compromised on every point,
and they cannot forgive themselves because they have compromised.
They know that they could have dared, but they proved cowards.
In their own eyes they have fallen, they have lost self-respect.
That´s what compromise does."

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Early winter

So, we've been getting snow & rain here in Chicago like we have not gotten in a long time. Usually, December is still a relatively warm winter month, say,averaging mid thirties to mid forties. At least it had been the last few years. And I am damn sure of it, cus I spent those winters walking home 7 miles a day.
hope it's not the beginning of the next ice age! :^O

so I've been finalizing all of my holiday travel plans & I sure am going to be spending quite a bit of time on the road. Thankfully I will hardly be driving any of it if I even have to drive at all.
means I can do some djmixin on the laptop, take a nap, read a book, meditate, watch the landscape go by...
since I'm goin Amtrak I am seriously thinkin about upgrading to business class for the longer trip so I can be sure to have an AC outlet for the laptop. 9 hours is a long ass ride. It would be good to be productive for some of it.
heck maybe I can even get a new website designed in that time. hehe.

I am looking forward to all of it.

it will be good to see family at Christmas. I do not get to see them enough.
and new year's is going to rock my world I'm sure.

but the next few weeks need to be about me gettin prepared for all of it.
final present making or buying (prefer making)and all of that.

having a toe that is still not cooperating the way I'd like it to and all of this icy snowy dirty city to have to trek thru to get things done is sometimes a little, well...taxing. but worth it.
I just do not feel like diggin that caravan out of the snow & takin a chance of it dying on me in this weather.
best to let it sit peacefully.

i've been playing a lot with traktor dj studio too. Finally getting the hang of it and finally have the ability to headphone cue, something I was not able to do before.
the interface I have that lets me do it sux ass (noisy as all hell & sometimes freaks traktor out - it's a low end edirol 2i/2o + headphone jack usb thing), but until I get something that works better, it'll do.
it excites me to have someone awaiting to hear my mixes..someone that is a natural mover & shaker and I'm sure a dancer extraordinaire. I cannot wait to see her in motion!
I'll cook up the beats & you get the dance troupe together j-dog. We'll put on a show that'll make even those with the deepest sonic wallflower psychosis shake their asses.

life can be oh so good when ya surrender to it. Make the leap, take the chance.
I think this is going to be an amazing winter!

Monday, December 12, 2005


i'm thinking that today my foot may be healed enough to walk home!
the sun is shining, it's a little warmer than it has been and i'm feeling inspired all of the way through, so I'm gonna go for it & just make sure that i stick next to a bus route in case it starts giving me problems.
that really kinda sux because today is the kind of day that i cherish walking up the lakefront.
in the winter, the water & the sky have this quality that they simply do not have the rest of the year. the colors are amazing.
it is also nice that there is less fear of being overrun by cyclists & rollerbladers.
now i'm talkin myself into tryin that.

i just discovered that i am able to get the days off that i am neeeding for my new year's trip to CoMO! whoohoo!
i'm so damn excited! better get ready j-dog cus here i come!
(and i have a feelin I'm not going to be wanting to come home!)
*shiver of excitement*

many many new things to think about & take care of.
but i'm ready for it!

Saturday, December 10, 2005


It has been while since I've hit this thing up with a more philosophical post.
too long.
new inspiring insights, challenges, possibilities.
they can be overwhelming.

every once in awhile that wave of novelty comes crashing our way.
bringing the unexpected. But it isn't that the best things always come?
when least expected, emerging from the chaotic backgound noise of life.
visions manifesting.
we hold onto them inside, many times not preparing for the fact that they may emerge, manifesting into the greater reality.
then, all of a sudden, there it is.
right in front of you, and you are scared, because now there are no excuses.
the choice is right in front of you.
then the real questions arise.
are you really willing to play? To explore this new reality?
or are you going to turn your back & walk away?

so many times we all too readily move back into our own comfort zone, not wanting to disrupt the very things which have left us feeling dissatisfied to begin with.
so, our discontent continues, and we go on dreaming.
hoping that the next dream will become reality and then maybe yet again turning our backs on that one.
addicted to dreaming. Is this what we have become?
a culture that thinks that it never really deserves to manifest it's dreams?
that all we can have are the scattered remnants of them once they have been broken, smashed?
are we so addicted to our discontent?

breaking free, letting go, flowing, we are able to let these things manifest, to be what they are.
not to fight them, this is key.
being in charge will only destroy it.
control, ego, get in the way of manifestation, and in a way, are a distrust of life.
life supports life. It supports you & I if we let it.
if we open to it, surrender to it, allowing it to be free, natural.
once again I am brought back to the wave...
so many times I end up at this metaphor...
that life is an ocean, experiences the waves. There's no need to worry about controlling the wave, that is where surrender happens.
control, artistry, awareness is needed to ride the wave, and this can be done in whatever style the individual chooses, that which most suits the personality, the needs, and the path of the rider.
some get all tricky & cunning & have to be overly fancy, expressing all of the amazing tricks which they can perform.
others simply relax & ride longboard style, flowing, having a much more gentle relationship with the wave.
it's all good.
ride how you must.
but also remember that you are more than likely going to have to share the wave & be aware of those riding alongside of you.
there are going to be wipeouts, and you may even decide to ride in dangerous waters with more intense waves.
they key is simply to be prepared , centered, understanding that the eternal part of you, the part that is beyond pronouns & nouns, that is a verb, that is truly your becoming, that this is the heart of it all.
everything emanates from it, from this one that is beyond individuality.
we've each been given teh gift of individual expression. Not a true separation, but a chance to express the one in our own way.
life as art.
by expressing our own individual ways and being, we add to the fabric of the whole, or rather, reveal more of it as it is timeless.it is beyond the individual.
the cosmic hologram.
everything everywhere at all times, ready to be revealed.
eyes to see. Ears to hear, touch to feel, breath of life.

as we move into the age of Aquarius, into the age if individuality, of liberty, of liberalism, we absolutely MUST first come to terms with the lessons of the piscean age.
too many are throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Throwing out the connection of community, of group consciousness, of harmonic resonance between individuals, believing that it is slavery.
one can hardly blame this for occurring considering that the lesson must be learned within the context of Kali Yuga.
an age of resistance & disharmony, an age of an entropic resetting of the dials, so to speak.
The examples of pseudo christianity, nazism, and every other ego centered mass movement of psi and physical violence of this age leave a nasty taste.
but one needs to understand that these were not necessarily the only products of groupmind.
this is a point where i find the philosophies of those like Ayn Rand to be very childish & shallow.
i personally feel that Rand, an Aquarian herself, is a good example of an unawakened aquarian conciousness, or maybe a partially awakened one. being disconnected from the whole, obsessive about one's own personal truth & worshiping the ego as if it is god.
Being obsessed with their own correctness, there is a tendency to not see the underlying net, that which connects. It is overlooked completely.
Instead it is abandoned and rationality takes a totalitarian role, obliterating the subtleties of intuition, emotion, feeling. distrusting them, scorning them.
shallow, underdeveloped, and scared.
replacing these things with the principle of action for action's sake.
novelty for novelty's sake.

but always remember this.

this unawakened aquarian mindset holds on to negative aspects of that which came before in order to assert it's own dominance, it's need to be right.
the only reason it does this is because it is uncentered.
when centered, it truly can be the "fountainhead' , but it must be CENTERED and have moved BEYOND EGO ,
realizing that one is NOT the ego but that ego is a tool only,an inner technology of expression & interaction.
not something to be worshiped or put on a pedestal.
the true lesson & potential come when the individual expression of the aquarian mindset and the lessons of the piscean age are fully integrated BEFORE moving into the individualistic mindset.
there is a damn good reason why the lessons of the piscean age come before the aquarian one.
it is to avoid the pitfalls of the egoistic drive for dominance.

when the ego is not understood in a manner which makes it a tool rather than a god, horrible things occur.
the worst things come into being. and this is what has been happening all over the world as individuals who have not spent the time developing the connection to the greater world, to life, to the cosmos, heck, even to their neighbors, move forward forcefully into the world, demanding that their way of expression & being takes precedence.
if we are to avoid the fate of past civilizations this time around, we MUST integrate the empathy of the piscean mindset BEFORE moving into our individual pushes into the aquarian energy of individualization & plurality.
whenever these two principles are divorced from each other disaster is bound to occur.
and it is the child of the unawakened, unaware, non integrated being.
when the two are integrated, a new way is created from which flows forth a truly visionary, empathic, and collaborative reality. enlightened liberty.

we are a generation in transition, we can be the ones who lead this movement into the new world, birthing the new human.
we simply happened to be born at this time of intense novelty, catalytic reactions of spirit, science, mysticism, philosophy & religion.
we cannot be so casual about it, cynical, disconnected, wanting to escape it.
we've been given a gift.
we've been given wonderful tools.
we just need to get used to using them creatively at least as much as we use them for simple entertainment.
space/time is in a sense collapsing.
an effort must be made to preserve the energy, the expression of regionality, the personality of place.
monoculture is not an answer, an all or nothing path.
it is an opportunity to create a wider supplemental language & medium for a global dialogue, but it must not come at the expense of plurality.
there is nothing wrong with a one world mindset, as long as it includes the diversity which gave birth to the process to begin with.
life supports diversity, not homogenization.
let those who want there monoculture have it.
i have no problem with that.
but NOT at the expense of those who do not which to participate.
let those who want to be gods do so, let them design their world from top to bottom if they want to,
their reproduction, their genetically modified food, all of it.
just kick their asses off planet, as they have no right to destoy a natural living system which can & does flourish without them. to do so is the ultimate act of war against creation. to destroy that which does not need the human in order to replace it with something that exists simply to fulfill the needs of ego, of abstracted philosophies.

the mindset of the future, of the cosmic human should resonate with the following:
planets are expressions and are exactly what they are meant to be. their living systems should be left in tact to folow it's natural flow. those who do not wish to abide by those living symbiotic systems need to express themselves elsewhere, in a vaccum which is a blank slate for their creativity.
so, get to building those spaceships & space stations and get on with it so we can do our own thing here.
develop your nanotech to do so, but make sure to avoid that grey goo! be wise in your endevours!
you will even be welcomed back onto tera, as long as you are willing to live & abide by cosmic law & live in symbiotic accordance with the natural systems of the planet while present.

we must also be sure to not get caught up in the western museum mindset of turning traditional ways of being into static museum pieces. life is not static. so know that i am not stating that we should worship "old ways" as being something that do not ever change or metamorphosize.
i am simply saying that respect & a depth of understanding must be present. a willingness to truly come to a knowing, a resonant wisdom about that which we encounter during exploration.
this is the same attitude which should be present in ALL exploration.
every single problem that has ever existed or come into being because of exploration, colonization is due to this philosophy not being integrated.
maybe we are just now finally growing into it.
we should not beat ourselves up for the past.
we only have the now.
it's time for a change.
it's time to awaken to the new world.
it's time to stop acting like spoiled adolescents.
and we all need to be empathic, understanding & supportive as we all transform,
cus it's going to be a rough & we are ALL going to need each other.

i for one, am ready for it.
are you?

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


What a strange & exhilarating week it has been.
first things first...
the intensification, and crossing of boundaries that happens with new people...expecially one that i find REALLY attractive & am feeling incredible resonance with.
since i try to keep the namin names to a minimum on here, let's simply refer to her as J.
most of you reading this will probably know who i am talking about anyway ;)
it has been wonderful to expand our communications, especially making the leap to the phone.
distance can be such a pain though, but with patience, meeting in person will happen, i'm pretty damn sure of that!
i keep having this intense impule to just blow off work & drive.
if only finances & teh state of my vehicle would allow that...hence the need for a little patience.

on saturday i did my new workout for the first time and it seriously kicked me ass.
I'm so psyched - know how powerful this shit is gonna be.
i just wish that i did not have carpet as it does not lend itself well to yoga/martial arts.
i managed to do some heavy damage to my left index toe by catching it on the floor & twisting it under the foot. every single joint in that toe is black & blue & bruised.
luckily it does not hurt much (only when strained or abused, both of which i am avoiding)and has nearly a full range of motion. it was only really stiff for a day.
still not able to do the long dist walks though as the underside, next to the ball of my foot is tender enough that i can feel it with every step.
that is when it is actually nice to have the carpet.

it feels so good to have this wonderful feeling runnin through me again.
both with myself, and with the way i am feeling about someone new.
it's been a bit too long.
it's giving me some real perspective, and definitely presenting me with some psychological findings about myself that i am all too ready to deal with & drop.
interesting when ya realize how messed up past situations became..how they affected you...that maybe it was not you who did not quite get it but that the other person was a little bit on the multiple-personality tip.that and knowing that the way in which she said goodbye was completely insane. but i digress...you can check the archives for that shit.
makes me very thankful that this new resonance, this new excitement, feels healthy centered & supportive, even though it is so new and even long distance & with no expectations. I reallu like trusting life, especially when it is like this!
always good to find another person who makes ya feel like you are comfortable being yourself.
it's one of the best things in the world. better yet when that feeling is accompanied by the push, the prodding to be even more, even better, to grow! the perfect blend of compassion & criticism is one of the biggest turn ons in the world to me.

here's to the now & here's to what is to be!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

mmm...velocity sensitive goodness

after a small amount of time figuring out what preset to use, I finally got my new trigger finger working in LIVE5 with the impulse drums...mmmmm...drum pads....
i'm in heaven...can't wait to try it with the korg ESX