Wednesday, December 21, 2005

exorcising faulty programming

she burns my ego away, and i cannot resist my willingness to play.
confronted inside with all of my ghosts, past present & yet to be.
emotional immaturity or overzealous visions for what could be?
i do not, cannot know, unless i experience.
yes, experience, it reveals truth, subjectively, it's true, but truth nonetheless.

schizophrenic messages from the past come knocking, telling me not to believe what i hear.
intuition saying so many wonderful things, yet being smacked by a bipolar past of dealing with psychological games.
having to face things left untended, things that one wishes would simply fade into the past.
wanting to let go. wanting to again live dangerously, risking so much with no attachment to outcome.
more easily said than done.

i do not forget what happened before, knowingly & willingly venturing into dangerous waters, accepting the risk of disaster,
of broken heart, of being "wrong".
there is nothing to fuck with your head quite like someone telling you one night that they will do everything in their power to make sure that they get to experience sharing their life with you. calling you Pan, Dionysian...
surrendering into feelings long bottled up & letting them flow forth like a swollen river, finally accepting them, expressing them, after too much time of repression. she let so many truths that i felt, that i knew to be true finally be expressed.
I have not heard from her but once or twice since that day, and those words were so surreal, unreal.
she ran the other way.and i understand. but understanding does not stop the hurting.
the only thing that ends that is moving on & tending to the wounds, learning, moving deeper into an understanding of both myself & the other.
my intuition - challenged for so long, off & on. one day told it is all true, the next denial.
why did i let it go on for so long?
because i knew the truth & wanted to hear it from her lips.
and i did.
i let myself get battered in the process of proving to myself that i was right. treating my intuition as if it were a holy thing.
and in a way, it is. it has always been a wonderful guide.i give it great respect.
but maybe she was right, maybe i had too much 'self' involved in the whole thing.
and she always thought i would talk ideas to impress her - but really it is just who i am! it is what i do!
but thank creation for that night, for those last moments, because they made it all worth it.
to know one is loved in such a way, even if the other is not ready, may never be, is immeasurably rewarding.
but a proper goodbye would have been nice.

i have not thought much about this for a long time.
i had been turned off.
failed attempts at connection over the past year (apologies to E, & A), innumerable crushes to entertain me as i pass the time waiting...for what?
i am not quite sure.
am i a devotion junky?
can i simply not help but devote myself to whoever i am completely enamored with at the moment? whether it be intellectual, spiritual, physical, emotional? (and when i say devotion, i MEAN it!)
is it even wrong if i do? or is it a step towards the ultimate love?
what exists in between? do I? can I?

I have finally met someone that i feel wonderful about again.
I was beginning to wonder...how long?
and then i relaxed, gave in, & out of nowhere...

Communicating with her has opened me up & started to peel back layers that are needing much attention, much pruning.
I adore her. maybe too much. but she deserves it.and i want her to KNOW completely that she deserves it.
but i cannot help it. i feel something coming from her that resonates, that strikes deep.
my intuition once again buzzing like crazy.
saying yes! adventure!
and then that hurt part, still recovering saying "Remember how that last one took back everything she said?how she swore that she never said the things she did & that you imagined them & were arrogant & selfish in your pursuit?"
(never mind the truth of the things that she DID actually express over those 2 years!)
a fear I want & need to get through, to move through, to grow through.
to let that shit go. for good.
at least i am long past pining for it, missing it...
i have to be if i am even going to consider a serious relationship with anyone.
it is only fair.

i want to live dangerously.
i want to surrender. to not worry, to simply be & relax.
so much...
and when i find that place inside where i simply am, relaxed into my being....bliss.
and when the fear, the insecurity, the programming of the past comes a knocking, the heartrate & bloodpressure rising...
it can become all too easy to fall into the negative - thoughts of not deserving, of being rejected, of being lied to.
it is not always easy to catch oneself. the recognition may not come until afterwards.
I've had enough headgames for this lifetime.
i want to rest.
i want to love.
i want to share.
i want it to be simple.
not so fuckin complex this time.
i want sanity.
real communication
a partner that is really a partner.

i do not know if i am capable of living the philosophies i tend to believe. i do not even know if they are natural to my being.
but it is time to experiment & find out, otherwise I can never truly know.

i do not know if i am deluding myself at all about what i am feeling right now.
i wish i did. i know that it feels real, authentic.
meeting in person will be wonderful, will reveal so much.
things that cannot be revealed any other way.
excited, anxious, a little afraid,not of her, but of myself, of my fears and my ability to deal with them in a mature manner.
i want her to experience the best parts of me.
i get so damn excited that i can get out of control with my emotions. it's the piscean aries mix. those fish give a lot of depth & dreaming to that highly excitable & dynamic aries energy.
better to be too deep than too shallow, don't ya think?

I know that i have been letting myself get carried away, and while it feels wonderful, it may not be the most healthy thing.
so, i apologize to all involved if i am ever too much.

I care. more than the average bear.
i fall in love easily when i meet wonderful beings.
considering it would be bliss to me to be in love with the world, this is a good thing.
i just long to feel the touch of someone who cares. one person (and one in particular)
to be close and just be able to relax into her, to simply BE, together.
such simple things can grow to be huge out of control visions & dreams for the future.
desires.
attachments.
invitations for suffering.
that is not what i want.
i want to be at peace.
not at war with myself.
not at odds with reality, what is meant to be.
i think i've had about enough abstraction for now...
anyone got a little something to ground this here freak?,
cus he's been floating out into the mystical void a little too much lately!
a really big hug would do just right.

but i'm a big boy, i can take it.
i just really needed to express this.
to let it out.
now i can sleep peacefully.

peace & love to all of you.

her being is so beautiful

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