Friday, December 23, 2005


After a good workout last night, some time simply being & relaxing, and a lot of contemplation, I have to say that I am breathing deep.
it always seems as if all of the aspects of my life that seem unknown, up in the air, and pregnant with possibilities collide at once in a huge swell of energy.
I've been learning to focus it, but sometimes it seems to end up getting a little out of control.
I express myself. It flows out, and sometimes it confounds people. Other times it consoles them.
all of the time it helps me make sense of whatever the heck is going on inside of me & around me.

I've noticed quite often in life that I have this notion that I am not allowed to make mistakes, to go through rough & confusing times & emotions.
sometimes it proves true. Others are not always comfortable with it. Some want to instantly console & make it go away, others simply wish to turn their backs. The best know full well that it is all a part of the learning process & something that I have to go through, just as they have to go through their own experiences.

I keep feeling this calling, this need to help others realize their experiences, to help them acquire a clearer vision of their own path.
many times while doing this I will forget my own.
then I realize, oh yeah...Didn't I say that I am walking the pathless path? What the heck did I expect?

On Wednesday night, reality fell out from under me & I was all of a sudden in the void.
instantly. The experience came out of nowHere.
all of a sudden the immensity of the illusion really set in, and there was my ego asking out loud "well, what the fuck do I do now?"
all human understanding..Interpretations, metaphors, beliefs, religions, sciences, everything. Illusion. Nothing but language. Nothing but interpretation, nothing but all of us painting a giant canvas that we call life together. teh great tangled hierarchy of infinite interconnection.
believing it rationally is one thing, but actually experiencing it quite another.
now comes the process of integration - how to be a part of everyday life, how to PLAY, how to CELEBRATE, how to LET GO and simply be IN THE MOMENT.

I had forgotten it all too readily, being all wrapped up in a new swell of emotions.
I must not be allowing myself the community that I would thrive in because when someone so wonderful that I feel such an intense connection to comes around, I dive head first. And each time it seems that I dive faster & deeper.
it's all genuine, real. And I think those who think that it is wrong or misguided are really missing out on one of the most joyous and alive aspects of living.
sometimes I myself miss it. Many times.
but then I find it again, and realize that I had simply lost focus, gotten tangled up in this identity, this imagining of who I am or am supposed to be, how I am supposed to act, what I am supposed to do and say.
all self imposed, as I have spent the majority of my life attempting to outpace my programmers.

now I find myself once again on teh edge of the cosmic cliff. Staring into infinity.
everything possible. If I can keep my heart pure, my motives selfless, and my being focused.

to share, it is all I want to do.

I am almost ready to announce that my whole life is dedicated to this.
to learning, to teaching, to sharing, to birthing more love & awareness of our connections.
but there is still that trace of ego there that maybe I need in order to get some other things done, in order to develop the languages, metaphors & images that will aid me on this journey.

all I know is that I am surrendered to it.
I am in sannyas with the infinite.

I am looking forward to the new connections I am making, they are with wonderful beings.
I need to make sure to remain open to these experiences. Completely.

cultural programming brings in fear in order to try to control, to protect, to maintain an old vision of what this self is supposed to be. Like the death throws of our current cultural paradigm, it going to be a trying & challenging task to deal with these issues.
but it is something that we all need to be concentrating on.
there are some big changes coming.
and that is the understatement of the century.

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