Wednesday, December 06, 2006

cycles of expansion

The bittasweet taste
It sits on my tongue
If for only an eternal moment

Long enough for me to recognize
That tender revitalizing
Which blooms at its center

The bitter just a shadow
A projection
A protective coating
Made of preconceived notions

Roll it around on your tongue long enough
And the bitterness dissolves
Leaving such a grand sensation

..OH HO HO!..

my heart shouts!
as the sensation awakens

Each time
The Goddess comes
And does her dance


Reminding me
Of the splendor
To which she gives birth

I get lost in the dance
Not unlike
A whirling dervish

These moments in time
Of intense focus on one
Bind me


Or is it all
A grand part
Of the dance
Of all dances?

I needlessly fight with it
Attempting to break free
All of the while
Remaining intensely focused
On possibilities
Unwilling to cast them
They multiply.
And I freeze in my tracks.
If only for just a moment.

But in this frozen moment
Awareness is birthed
Only to be understood
Once integrated.

I drop to a tight crouch
Like a collapsing star
And forget for a moment
That once I collapse
Back to center
I will go


Like breath
In .. out
Back .. forth
Contract .. expand



Sight beyond sight
Available when I allow it
When I do not impose
Intention and desire.

Goals destroying the now
Ensnaring one in futures
That do not exist
False destiny
The shunning of response-ability
Of freedom
For safety
And the ability
To find Prescient sight.

..To know the future is to be enslaved by it...

When we get so caught up
In what we think we should do
We do not recognize
The truth that is


My polarities
And process
Twist me

Seems that each time
I forget
For just a little while

Can come slowly
And then, all of a sudden,



I am reminded of why I chose
As a master example

In love
I do not lose

Because there is nothing to be lost.
Only that to be shared

Once touched
Once energies mingle
They are eternally entangled

Quantum non-locality
Is what the scientists wish to call it.
But that is only one
of the many names

Devotion runs deep
When connections are made
It is my

If you have been caught
In the deepest of my gazes
You know
Not through my words
But through experience

I may have overwhelmed
Stepped all over your boundaries
Sometimes, even I do not know
The devices I am playing
Until we look back
And laugh
All the wiser

Seemingly chaotic
A little bit crazy
But I DO know what I am doing
Although not always consciously
And it is exactly as it should be

I had been led away
From trusting myself
And my perceptions
My intuition.
Too many times

But I am learning
To trust myself
At times seemingly over-dramatic
Playing with my own emotions
Letting them flow freely in me
Discovering their tastes
Their nourishment

Emotion is not a trap
But being a slave to it is

Without it,
Can we still call ourselves

The subtle balance
Inner .. outer
Mind .. body .. spirit
Me .. you
Individual .. community
Love .. friendship
Devotion .. freedom
New vision .. surrender
Doing - being

I see more than you imagine
And what you think is my imagination
May really be closer to the truth
Than you want it to be

Thinking I do not recognize
That which is under your mask


If you only knew

i do not need
But for a few primal things
The necessities
Of the flesh

But there are wants that come and go
And I try not to judge them
Rather to embrace them
And recognize them
So they can be transformed
Either through action
Or through inner awareness

Being human
I falter
As do all

I ache for a playmate
A lover
As is natural
I am not wrong for doing so
And I am not wrong in expressing
When I find someone I wish to play with

The number of fellow seekers in my life
Constantly expands
Enriching everything
And I welcome it.

Know that my expression
Of possible intimacies
Is not a static state
It is ever changing
And all whom have taken that chance
And danced that dance with me
Have always returned
If only to say
..Thank you..
And to allow me a chance
To do the same.

I do not say this boastfully
But as an expression of
And as a barometer
Of my truth

One thing is for sure
My love in unceasing
Once you have come through my door
It is forever open to you

Do not hesitate

I will never cease to surprise

Sunday, December 03, 2006

changes and opportunities

New daily rituals, things rearranged.
A time of change.
I keep on reassuring myself that I flow with it.
That it is heading somewhere, even though all I can see is a big nothing.
The blank slate.
No fate.
The golden path?

Shouts an inner voice.
How do we deal with that which is unknown.
Then I chuckle to myself.
..What else is there?..
That which is known is already past.
It is not even NOW.
Then another voice chimes in..
..But we want things to go THIS way!..

I just want to rest for a moment, I swear!
Just a moment is all!
Yet life does not stop.

I have been painting and it has been meditative.
It takes me out of my mind, my overanalysis.
Yet I always come back to the thoughts.

Infected with this headspinning, heartpounding inspiration.
It is good.
I learn as I yearn.
Feel less taxed as I relax.
Let it be.
As is.
And let it grow
As it will

Doors opening.
I have been invited out of the foyer and down a corridor.
Just as I ask which door to take
Someone opens a door, and says
..hey man, come check this out
opportunity awaits for you..

Music flowing.
Guess the time has arrived.
Kindred souls
Appearing all around.
Tempering myself, not being overwhelmed,
overindulgent in emotions, expressions.
It can be difficult.
But with the tension comes all of the reward.
Tuning those strings.
To play my song.
Do you hear it in the breeze?
It calls for you.
Smacks you.
And lets you know you are alive.

A fire over-stoked can create too much smoke,
burn the fuel too fast.
A stead flow,
A gentle breeze
Tender prodding when needed to keep the coals red and glowing.
Tending the flame.

I see you with that iron rod.
Use it gently.
Yes you.
I know I need to be turned over now and then,
rearranged in relation to those I share my flame with.
I hold this flame and keep it alight for us.
Sit with me.
Enjoy the warmth.
Let my eyes shine in your direction
And see the fire behind them.
It burns for the Beloved
Whom I witness in you.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

trusting love

Amazing electricity crackling in the crisp fall air.
Love all around.
I almost do not know what to say.
All I know is that I have not felt like this in a long, long time, if ever!

Fears pass through my mind.
Overwhelmed and feeling like I jumped off of a cliff without wings.
Flirting with my neurosis and managing to do a little dance around it for the most part.
I get stuck in this idea that somehow I am going to end up being starved, that I will be left with nothing, not recognizing how totally overflowing the entire experience is.
It is hard to remain centered and calm – to accept whatever path manifests as I feel deeper and deeper the desire for a particular path to emerge.
I am not sure I have ever been in love like this before and I have been in love countless times.

Like binary stars, both shining, doing a lil cosmic dance together.

I am scared of my own fate.
This path that is presenting itself to me, that I have been putting off for so long.
There are going to be sacrifices that have to be made, some things put aside for focus on others – which expressions take on the most importance and attention and energy?

I have been hiding from the world.
I have been afraid of owning my gifts and thrusting them outward into the world.
I have been learning most of all how to be at peace in my non-doing, in my nothingness.
Without that peace, it almost feels as if everything I do is nothing but an escape from facing my true nature.
I am reading Dune right now, after being a bit obsessed with the longer , more in depth miniseries from the Sci-Fi channel (mostly because of the inclusion of the Children of Dune stories).
I get a little weird when I read these kind of stories.
I connect with characters like Paul Mua’Dib all too well.
I have ever since I was a young boy.
The super hero, the archetypal hero, the dreamweaver, the walker between worlds, the underdog, the last hope…all of those archetypes.
Yet at the same time drawn to the likes of Buddha, lao tzu…
Leaves me confused.
Stuck between the promethean and zen.

Can I let go of the last bits of “regular life” in order to move into something more in tune with what I want my path to be?

How do I deal with this new love that I feel, so overflowing, overwhelming, leaving me craving more and more and more of it.
Honey, you know you make me feel just as high as you say I make you feel when we are together.
I do not even want to imagine a life without your sweet taste.
And I am so ready to deal with a little bit of bitter mixed in to give it all spice!

I know I have to take things as they come, that I cannot have everything I want the way I want it when I want it as I want it.

Sometimes it is so incredibly difficult to let go, to trust life, to trust love, and to open your heart and keep it open. To let that love flow through, to not grasp, but to flow, to experience, to become overflowing.

The love mixed with challenge, with facing all of the things that make me grow, that make me thrive and make me a more incredible being, more capable of loving, living, celebrating.

I find myself repeating the Bene Gesseritt mantra:

“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little death that brings the total obliteration.
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing, only I will remain.”

I must remember.
I am love.
I live to love.
This is my divine contract.
I am also warrior,
Always will be.
When the time calls
I shall not hesitate
But love must always take precedence over the fight.
For it is love which encompasses it all.
Only fight as much as you must to birth love.
Loving is it’s own reward.
So I choose bravery over cowardice.

Monday, October 30, 2006

truth and illusion

So much to digest over the last week.
Truth yet again put into question.
What is real, what is not?

One thing that many people do not understand is that half truths, lies, and deceit hold their own truths.
It is only when we hold onto illusion that they do us damage.
Otherwise, they can reveal just as easily and readily as truth does.
Sometimes people simply cannot face their own truths so they deceive themselves.
Then this extends outwards.
Of course, there are times when people can also be deceitful in order to gain selfishly.
When these people meet with someone of truth, they are confronted with the mirror.
An awakened individual cannot be shaken by deceit.
A person who lives in truth stands strong.
Seeing and witnessing the deception can be tricky, but it I can also be a bit of a laugh if one remains lighthearted.
I, luckily, have enough experience rising and falling at this point that I am used to the ride.
One of the most interesting manifestations is that the person who lives the authentic awakened life will almost always create a situation in which the deceiver is forced to face their own deception.
But the situation is not actually created, it simply arises out of the very essence of the awakened.
It canot help but be otherwise, because when deceit and illusion come face to face with truth, they cannot help but dissolve, for the lies have no firm foundation.
A being of truth, of love, of trust cannot be shaken.
There is no doubt to cause the cracks. The weight of the deceit is thrown completely onto the shoulders of the deceiver.
At this point, the time comes for the one in illusion to either meet with their own truth or fall deeper into lies and illusion.
If you are accepted even in your deceit, if you are loved even while wearing the veil, imagine how much more love and acceptance will be there once the veil is lifted!
It is the flowering of truth, of authenticity which matters.
The seed of that flower may lie in shit for awhile before it germinates.
It may be completely mistaken for something to be tossed by many.
But the being who seeks authenticity and awareness recognizes.
It is all the foundation for something more.
The transmutation will happen.
When, one cannot say. But one can nurture the transformation.

Overcoming our lies and deceptions about ourselves as well as others is one of the most freeing transformations we can make.
It nurtures connections, acceptance, and empathy.
We all fumble.
We all fall.
We all suffer.
And we all need some solace now and then.

True deep connections survive the crucible.
They transform and accept mistakes, shortcomings, misgivings, and misunderstandings.

When we relax and flow and let things naturally be what they are, life provides.
There is no need to feel poor.
Wealth is all around waiting.

Recently there has been much talk about intention and it’s power.
In many ways this is good, but people of the west tend to be very irresponsible in the way in which they present this material.
I especially feel this way about videos such as ‘The Secret’.
There is no talk of the fact that all desire leads to suffering.
There is no talk about the role of ego.
There is not talk about negative vs.. positive.
There is no talk about the emptiness.
In truth, what “The Secret” is talking about is just as much about black magic as it is white.
ALL intention is based in the EGO.
It must be so, because it it’s the individual telling existence that what existence is providing is not god enough for you. You want more. It is in a very real sense, greed.
It is you telling the cosmos that you know better than the whole of creation what is needed and what is good.
It is completely and utterly based on a distrust of existence.

Here, I am going to quote Osho from his book “Only One Sky – On the Tantric Way of Tilopa’s Song of Mahamudra”:

“…Things are just the physical part of thoughts, and thoughts are the mental part of things.
Because of this fact, because thoughts are things, many miracles happen.
If a person continuously thinks about you and your welfare, it will happen - because he is throwing a continuous force at you.
That is why blessings are useful, helpful. If you can be blessed by someones who has attained no-mind, the blessing is going to be true – because a man who never uses thought, accumulates thought energy, so whatever he says is going to be true.

In all Eastern traditions, before a person starts learning no-mind, techniques are given and much emphasis that he should stop being negative, because if you once attain to no-mind and your trend remains negative, you can become a dangerous force.
Before the no-mind is attained, one should become absolutely positive. That is the whole difference between white and black magic.
Black magic is nothing but a man who has accumulated thought energy without throwing his negativity beforehand. And white magic is nothing but a man who has attained to much thought energy, and has based his total being on positive attitude. The same energy with negativity is black: the same energy with positivity becomes white. A thought is a great force, it is a thing.”

There are no defined lines. It is all flowing, constantly shifting.
According to people such as Gregg Bradden, the power of intention is only born out of no-mind, out of emptiness. And it is transformed and brought life through positive visualization – seeing the state desired as already being the case.

I personally still have reservations about this power of intention stuff.
It all too easily meets the definition of the false religion of the antichrist for one thing.
Secondly it is based on selfishness.
Even your good intentions for another are YOUR intentions, not the intentions of that person, so in a very real sense , it is a mild act of violence, as it is seeking to impose one person’s reality onto another.
One cannot know the meaning of the experience.
Someone’s negative experience that you wish to heal may be exactly the experience they need to transcend something they are dealing with, something that they have to learn.
You may be short-circuiting their experience and doing them a disfavor rather than helping.
Believing that your good intentions are exactly what the other needs is in this case most definitely an act of self-righteousness – of saying that “I know what is good for you”
So, let the thoughts form, let the blessings flow, but let existence itself take care of the manifestation.
You are not in control, nor can you ever be.
Control is a sickness, a dis-ease. It is a dis-trust.
Control and mastery are not the same thing.
Do not try to control the wave, rather master your ability to ride it. To flow with it.
In this, one can find infinite artistry.
The only thing one has a right to control is one’s own awareness.
Anything other than that is an act against existence.
Our technologies are against existence for the most part, so we create a situation in which we are not in balance with nature and our natural systems.
It is not that technology is bad, but that the relationship which we give it is one of distrust.
It is created because we distrust nature, including our own.
It is not supplementary, but rather dominating and aggressively exploitive.

We must all be careful with the ‘spells’ we cast, the illusions we project, the things we seek.
We are all interconnected, and truth, awareness, and authenticity will help set us all free.
And rejoice
Otherwise you will simply find yourself in misery.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

trying to understand this

How is it that some of us are made to starve physically when all we want is a little touch? A little lovin?

My experience throughout my life has been one that lends to frustration.
It is the cosmic joke in my life.
So many women love me so deeply.
Such incredibly deep connections.
Yet they will not cross into the zone of physical intimacy with me.
I ask, “why?”
Am I too intense?
Is it simply not the way I am supposed to be living?
Not once has it been said that it is an issue of attraction.
Almost every time, the attraction is there, but for some reason, it is not allowed to be expressed.
Brings me back once again to the concept of Brahmacharya.
Moving beyond sexuality and purely into the spiritual.
Dropping sex altogether.

Being an aries with major fire and an intense sensuality and romantic, devotional nature, it seems and feels absurd to even think about moving in that direction.

In one of the early and seminal books by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, titled “From Sex to Samadhi” he talks about the ladder.
How if we do not climb those first rungs…the rungs of the “lower” chakras, we cannot expect to be properly grounded in the higher ones.
To skip them is to in many ways not build a correct or stable foundation.
Sexuality is not to be looked at as crass, as something undeserving or wrong, animalistic and in the way or corrupting of spirituality.
Rather, it is to be seen as a possible gateway, a chance for transformation, for learning, for intimacy and the combining of the higher and lower.
He also states how at some point it is likely to be dropped, not needed anymore.

What happens to those of us that have already moved into the upper but never got a chance to properly deal with our sexuality due to childhood programs that managed to run well into adulthood?

I myself, have come face to face with the ugliness of misguided sexuality on many occasions in my life, and very very rarely did I ever participate.
I think of the chances for casual sex back in high school, the times that I was right there, being begged for it, yet I refused, because I did not feel that it was healthy or natural.
They were not women whom I wanted to allow my energies to mingle so closely with. The intention was escape, not a coming together.
It was not the way in which I wanted to share myself with that particular person at that time. There was not the level of connection, of meaning, which I find necessary in ANY endevour I participate in.
Somehow, it seems like in the reaction to backwards hamfisted rules about sexuality brought forth by dominator religions born in the middle east (the judeo-christian-islamic triad) many go in a meaningless direction instead of seeking a deeper truth about the role of sex and sexuality.

It seem to be only in some eastern traditions such as tantra (which is mistaken to be nothing but a sexual thing when it is in actuality a complete life philosophy that happens to include a healthy relationship with sex) and some western mystical and magical traditions that the legacy of a healthy relationship and a deep understanding of the energetics behind the ecstatic experience have survived and flourished.
They are only recently coming back into the mainstream mindset, and can really be a disruptive force for many.

In an age where meaningless animalistic sex is rampant, porn flourishes, it is not surprising that life itself is becoming more and more crass and meaningless.
Understand this – porn is not representative of the freeing up of sexuality. It is rather the debasing of it. Making it meaningless. It is an entropic and enslaving function.
Leftists and liberals need to understand that an opposite reaction to a stupid original notion does not make it healthy or right. It is nothing but a childish reaction.

And most importantly, hedonism without awareness or depth is entropic in nature, as it feeds on the suffering of others so that a few can live a life of escapism.
There is nothing wrong with a pleasurable life, with hedonism itself, but rather in the way it is approached and the qualities brought to it.
It is the same with all things both internal and external.

To quote from a book I once read but can’t remember the name of right now;
“How we fuck is how we create the world.”

Here is a brief primer on the energetics of ecstacy and sex.

We are all conduits. We birth energy and intention into the world with our every thought and belief.
When we are in ecstatic states, we become hyper tuned, so to speak.
Our channels open up wider, we have more of an influence on the energies in the world.
This is probably the MAIN reason why we are kept in fear, in suffering, and in a state of being terrorized.
If we are free from the fear and understand our own ability to influence the world around us directly, we become powerful and no longer need those who wish to control us through culture and belief systems to tell us what is what, or to provide for us the things which we have the ability to provide for ourselves and our communities.
When we come to an understanding that our every thought and action influences the world around us indirectly through the energy and intention we create with our beliefs, we have to wear our own responsibility.
Many are simply not ready for this.
And the implications are staggering.
If what quantum theorists posit to be true actually is, if we really have that much influence on reality simply through our beliefs and perception, then one must begin to question even the right to privacy in personal beliefs. Because if this influence is true, nothing is private, as we all directly effect everything and most importantly everyone around us.

When it comes to the ecstatic experience, or the orgasmic experience, and we are opened up so wide to the cosmos, to “god”, we then have to be doubly responsible.
If we bring selfishness or debased meaninglessness into the equation, we bring more of that into the world. If we bring love and prosperity, a sharing, a giving and loving attitude and intention into the mix, we birth more beauty into the world.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the majority of the human world’s problems are not caused by politics or religion directly, but rather indirectly, by influencing unhealthy, uncentered ecstatic activity.
Getting off as an escape brings nothing but less awareness, a deadness.
It is but a temporary jolt of pleasure.
This does not mean that it is not a starting point, but rather I would suggest that one move deeper.
It makes no sense to me that so many prefer sexual partners whom they do not know rather than those they love the most.
It seems to me that one would want to share the deepest of possible intimacies with one they love dearly, which they are forming a deep loving bond with.
But so many are confused about this.
And then they wonder why satisfaction never comes in their sexual relationships, why they are always at odds and fighting some unseen frustration.

Some psychologists and humanists would argue that sexuality is strictly an animal function, a way of people bonding in communities, finding their spot in the hierarchy. But I would say that they are not recognizing that their view is totally informed by the religious history of the west and by using the example of less evolved species in order to inform our own actions, which is not an evolutionary standpoint or view, but an entropic one. Looking at previous, supposedly less advanced examples to inform the future is like driving with the rearview mirror. It is obnoxiously ignorant and shortsighted.
If evolution is truly the case, then we should never be worshiping our elders, as it is the next generation which is ALWAYS more capable than the previous.

Time and again, good friends express their frustrations as they try to connect with situations and people that are obviously not naturally occurring, while right in front of them are loving relationships that may be wide open to this deeper expression.
The usual explanation is one of not wanting to taint the dynamic, or bring it down to a lower level. Or that the friendship could not survive if the sexual aspect does not.
At least this is my experience.
Yet this is exactly what they are doing by going to meaningless frustrating sources to fulfill their sexual and physical needs. They go to the shallow end of the pool instead of diving deeper into the ocean of love that is already there, waiting for them to dive in.

Our culture is destroying our ability to connect intimately within our own communities.
We have been convinced that we should not. That it will lead to complications that only exist in the abstract, in the fear that resides in the mind.
We have been taught to distrust our own ability to create our own connections and solve our own problems. To have friendships that can survive experimentation and growth.
It is the schizophrenic desire to either own or be able to completely remove oneself which causes the problem. Many do not see or experience the in between.
What if it is really possible to explore deeper relationships within ur own communities and have the support of that community as the experiment unfolds?
Is it not usually the friend who deals with the aftermath?
How is it that we have come to accept the idea that this should be separated from the actual experience? Shouldn’t we be going deeper into that experience with the actual participants? In a partnership that is based on mutual growth and self discovery?

I personally do not know what to do anymore.
I am frustrated with this cosmic joke which is being played with me.
I might as well not even have a cock.
What is the point if no one who I wish to share myself with is willing to participate?
Especially when I have so much to give in terms of intimacy and love?
I am NOT going to lower myself down to the animalistic, meaningless, crass world of one night stands and meaningless copulation.
It is simply not my way.
So, all I can do is accept.
Be ok with that which actually is given.
And maybe one day I will be blessed enough to start a family of my own.
One can only hope!

And I come back, once again, to it being just me, by myself, with no life partner, no one to share my daily experiences with, no one to sleep next to, no one to share even the simplest of intimacies with.
I say that, yet I see, right in front of me, the door I have been looking for.
A friend that will walk in that middle ground, be an amazing healing force in my life, even if that one boundary of intimacy will more than likely not be crossed.
And I feel infinitely blessed.

Maybe part of my frustration is due to getting older.
I’m half way to 70, and the world is becoming more and more a place of confusion and a place where we can’t quite be sure if we will be here tomorrow.
Yet another part of that frustration due to having the most amazing beings in existence in my life. (and that frustration is birthed completely of my desire for more)
Especially the most recent arrival, who completely and utterly blows me away.
It is difficult to not be able to express such intimacies with one whom I feel I have even lived previous lives with.
We search a lifetime for someone who can walk the walk with us, who shares that common deep language of our soul.
I do not understand how when that is found it is not allowed to blossom, to flourish, to be a coming together in ALL aspects.
But that is not only my choice to make, it is a process of co-creation, and once again I have to withhold for the other, or walk away, and I cannot walk away from such a deep love and connection.
So the drama continues.
And with it my depth and understanding grows too.

Can one really expect a new partner to come along and be ok with a friendship between a male and female which in all aspects other than sex is on a level of intimacy that could possibly rival marriage?
That is a lot to ask.
In my experience it gets to be a mess of jealousy.
The new person does not know enough about my past or the way in which I love to properly perceive my intentions. They do not realize that I may be overflowing and have enough love for everyone.
And I do not want to give up the friendship.
I WILL NOT give up those friendships for a relationship.
That is notloving behavior, but rather behavior based on fear and insecurity.

Matter of fact, I cannot see any other relationship even matching the richness of that deep friendship.
Rather, I see that deep connection being the seed for partnership, the place where good healthy balanced relationships start.

So I move on…slightly frustrated, a little amused, a little sad, and wondering if I can handle this process yet again.

The key is always to look at the gain rather than the loss.
And I have gained one of the most beautiful bonds I could ever imagine.

Someone who is healing, giving, loving beyond belief.
Someone who wants to be an active part of my unfolding and wants me to be a part of hers, intimately - in a way that is of the deepest variety of experience.

I cannot turn away from that.
The only thing I can do is dive deeper, knowing that somehow, someway, it will naturally be what it is meant to be.
Life takes care of us if we let it.
It is just a matter of trusting and letting go.
Let it flow.
And let love be free.

Monday, October 16, 2006

autumn colors - new dj mix

day 26 of 365 days

new dj mix!
feeling inspired.
love will do that.

here is the link:
Oct 15 mix by Slipp Chilll - 66.35 min. 91.5 MB @ 192kbps
mixed in Traktor 3

01. As One - Isatai
02. Clara Hill meets Atjazz - Nowhere (I Can Go)
03. Roy Ayers - I Am Your Mind (Basement Jaxx Summer Classix mix)
04. Alice Russell - Could Heaven Ever Be Like This (Bugz In The Attic mix)
05. John Arnold - Geminade
06. Likwid Biskit - Herbs and Spice
07. Positive Flow - Come Fly With Me (Mr. Gone's Re-confunkshun Mix)
08. Jerome Sydenham & Kerri Chandler - KÚ KÚ
09. Bugz In The Attic - Booty La La (Psyan's Booty Bounce Mix)
10. Delgui Feat. Marilyn David - Boogie Bridge (4/4 Tweak mix)
11. Bugz In The Attic - Move Aside (Cosmic Brokefunk mix by Slipp Chilll)
12. As One - Leviathan

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Blue Apples

day 24 of 365 days

a taste of enlightenment....

If i'd done this correctly in terms of the story in Eden, then i guess there should already be a bite outa that sucker, eh? ;^)

So, what exactly happened in the garden?

While doing some research for a book I am in the process of writing, I came across an interesting take on the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. But not as interesting as William Henry's (see BLUE APPLES link above).
It comes in the form of the Manichaen interpretation of the story, In which Mani attempts to explain that it is Yahweh that is the liar and that the Serpent is actually telling the truth when Eve takes the Fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.
I find this shortsighted but on the right track, and will explain my understanding after a little bit of background, which i have borrowed and seriously revised in terms of proper language (attempting to remove persuasive and coercive terminology and phrasing) from this page:

From approximately 210AD to 276 AD, It is believed that Mani lived in the area of asia currently referred to as Iran.
Manichaeism, a highly influential religion, was founded around him.

Manichaeism is extreme in its insistence on duality.
The Cosmos is seen as a battleground for the war between the material and the spiritual, represented as the "bad" and "good" gods respectively.
Christians of the period (and some currently) recognized the evil god as represented by Satan, but would not accept the idea that Satan could have as much power as Yahweh.
In accordance with the story of Lucifer, they hold that Satan (mistakenly considered to be a specific entity, namely Lucifer, rather than being an "office" or position of power or metaphorical description of an archetypal way of being and expression), unlike Yahweh, is a created being.
A Fallen Angel cast down from service to Yahweh due to his insistence on being separate but equal.(this is the birth of what we refer to as EGO - hence, egotism is Luciferianism - it is also the mechanism through which cancer cells flourish living at the expense of all cells around them and denying the symbiotic relationship to the whole - but that is another topic altogether that gets into holography and all kinds of stuff like that.)
This becomes a very important point in the story of the Garden, especially since there is the possibility that the Serpent is a third entity altogether, as the Serpent is not referred to by name as either Satan or Lucifer.

The Manichees were a syncretic religion, attempting to include the religious traditions within their experiential scope within their dogma and symbolism. As a result, they preserved many apocryphal Christian works, such as the Acts Of Thomas, that otherwise would have been lost. While eager to describe himself as a "disciple of Jesus Christ", Mani found the orthodox church rejecting him as a heretic.

It is quite possible that it was Mani's interpretation of the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden which led to his eventual demise at the hands of the "Christian" establishment.
According to Mani's understanding, When Eve takes the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, It is not the Serpent who is the liar, the "evil" god, but rather Yahweh who is deceitful and evil.
This is where I personally feel that Mani shows himself to be an unenlightened being.
His insistence on a dualistic nature keeps him blind from the possibility of BOTH beings telling the TRUTH.
the following in quotes is directly from the previously mentioned website:
(text in parentheses are my additional notes)

"Mani said that the Serpent told Eve the truth. That if she took of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil she would become as God and not die as the Evil God (Yahweh) told her.
Mani in identifying the serpent as the Good Spiritual God made it clear that the God we identified as Good (Yahweh) was the evil physical God because he lied when he told Adam and Eve that if they ate the fruit they would die.
The serpent who Mani said was the Good Spiritual God told Eve that if they ate the fruit they would not die but would become as God which was true.
That statement about identifying which voice was the Good God, the invisible one or the serpent is borne out in this scripture.", I see this as an oversimplification in the extreme.
First of all, there is no clear definition of what is meant by the term "die" within this passage. This could very easily be a mystical language, especially considering the context!
the death of the self? the death of a way of knowing and being up until this point (the point of tasting of the fruit), when we are reborn into something new? is it possible to die and not die at the same time?
I say an emphatic YES!
what is being discussed here is none other than that which the eastern philosophies and religions term Enlightenment, It is also represented in the Death and Resurrection of the many SUNs of GODfrom Christ to Krishna, from Osirus to Mithras and on and on)
It may refer to the dissolution of the self in order to be born into a higher state on consciousness, of being.
first step is the fall from innocence, the split which creates the situation in which one can know the "self" .
The foundation is built.
only then can one KNOWINGLY rather than ignorantly return to the state of ONENESS from which we supposedly rose or fell, depending on your interpretation.

Yet both Mani and the author of the website can't get over the Aristotelian hump, even though further down the webpage the topic is quantum physics which blows dualistic either/or logic out of the water in favor of a both/and inter-relationship.

more from the webpage:

" 'John 8:44 You are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father you will do.
He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him.
When he speaks a lie, he speaks of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.'

So you see Mani is saying that the serpent is the Good God because he told the truth when he said that by eating the fruit, Adam and Eve would become as God, whereas God told them they would die.

' Genesis 2:16. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat:
17. But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you shall not eat of it: for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.'

OK That's God's side, now let's hear from the Serpent

'Genesis 3:4. And the serpent said to the woman, You shall not die:
5. For God knows that in the day you eat that, then your eyes shall be opened, and you shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.'

Now we have two entities here.

One says if you eat you shall die. The other says that..s a lie you will not die but if you eat you shall be as gods.

So who is the liar and remember the Bible says Satan the Devil is the father of lies.

(this has got to be one of the most oversimplified and non-explanatory sentences in the whole website - we need actual passages that equate the devil, the serpent, and satan here, otherwise, this point is null and void)

'Genesis 3:22. And the Lord God said, Behold, the man has become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
23. Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden'

So there is the answer.
The Bible says that it is Satan that is a liar and the father of lies. In this story it is the Serpent that said you will not die you will be as Gods.
It was God that said you will die.
According to the Bible they did not die but became as Gods. You can see for yourself, is become as one of us.
Therefore it was the Serpent who was telling the truth and God who was lying.
Thus who is Satan?
So Mani is correct."

-end of passage from website I think this is idiocy.
for a person who is attempting to play off some sort of righteous esoteric knowledge, this is an extremely weak argument.
It is attempting to use rational logic to understand a form of expression that is not based in logic and reason, but rather in mysticism.

I see it thusly:

By eating of the fruit, we lose our innocence and are split into duality. good/bad and all of that.
ask yourself, do you believe that the activities or possible actions that occurred both before and after eating of the fruit were different?
was there even an issue whether or not adam had sex with eve out of wedlock before eating of the fruit?
or how about if they liked backdoor antics, so to speak? is a possibility isn't it?
a visceral one...
or was that made a sin only after eating of the fruit?
or is it only the perception of whether or not that action is good or evil which was born upon the tasting of that fruit?

to taste the Fruit is to Die to Innocence.
the "good god" Yahweh does not lie about this.
but the Serpent does not lie either.
The messages of the two are COMPLIMENTARY.
In order to understand the world in dualistic terms, in terms of good and evil, one must sacrifice their innocence. To know of good and evil is to be as gods, or so says genesis.
The Serpent says that you will know as the gods know (as the higher beings know).
You will be started upon the path to a deeper understanding and relationship to the divine.
through opposites, definitions and refinement of understanding are possible.
Being able to compare, contrast. there are two sides.
but both sides are still a part of one coin, so to speak.
If the serpent truly says that Yahweh is lying, then the serpent is lying, not Yahweh.
In this way the serpent may be attempting to convince Eve that she does NOT have to give up her innocence to know good and evil. It is a very subtle point, but very important.
This is how people become enslaved.
Humans are misled about the repercussions of their decisions while those who wish to control have complete knowledge of them;
then, when the truth is revealed and the humans realize the price, those who knew what was up from the beginning conveniently provides a solution or sustenance that creates the situation which they so desired from the onset.
This is a kind of metaphysical dangling of the carrot.

Just follow the not worry...there are no holes in the road...oh, sorry..there was one right there...let me give you this splint for your broken don't ever take it off. I've given it to you so you can walk. now that you have been damaged, you cannot walk without it, so never take it off, you must now walk as i tell you to walk, for your own good, for your SAFETY.

So, be aware, and do not think that anything comes for free.
something must always be sacrificed.
But the dualistic path is the long path.
yet in a very real way, it is the Crucible through which we must go in order to reach "Heaven"
It is most impressively expressed in the tradition of Alchemy, the marriage of opposites.
There lies a rich language of symbols and language which stretched thru all traditions.
The answers are never in the dogma. it is dogma which separates.
it is the mystical which connects all things and transcends differences.
it is the DIRECT EXPERIENCE which is the truth, not the shadows of tradition.
an d the most visceral question of all:
"How worthy is a God of being believed in if he cannot even manage to forgive the one who was once his most highly respected servant? If even god is not capable of that kind of compassion, yet I am , what does that mean?"

Wednesday, October 04, 2006


day 18 take 2


wonderous dreams


my heart









her divine sweetness

day 18 of 365 days

Monday, October 02, 2006

Relax, it's all good

day 16 of 365

Road north and over to Foster Beach this morning.
I am LOVING riding the new bike.
Totally different experience than my other bike.
Actually enjoyable!
Decided to head home at exactly the right time because it is now stormin bigtime!
Yay fall thunderstorms!

congratulations to EB and BQ.
you too are great and I know that you will have a wonderful life together!
Way to go E!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

changes coming

day 15 of 365





All twisted

Massive change

Just around
The corner

Will there be



The time



I must
To the


The branches


Will not



It is time

To Live





day 14 take 2

day 14 take 2, originally uploaded by intuitive cat.
it is not
the urban self
which is clear
but rather
the meditative

OSHO - the rebel...a reminder

OSHO, originally uploaded by Tone 777.

People are afraid, very much afraid of those who know themselves. They have a certain power, a certain aura and a certain magnetism, a charisma that can take out alive, young people from the traditional imprisonment....

The enlightened man cannot be enslaved - that is the difficulty - and he cannot be imprisoned....
Every genius who has known something of the inner is bound to be a little difficult to be absorbed;
he is going to be an upsetting force.
The masses don't want to be disturbed, even though they may be in misery; they are in misery,
but they are accustomed to the misery.
And anybody who is not miserable looks like a stranger.

The enlightened man is the greatest stranger in the world;
he does not seem to belong to anybody.
No organization confines him, no community, no society, no nation.

Osho The Zen Manifesto: Freedom from Oneself Chapter 9

Whether he is wealthy or poor,
the Rebel is really an emperor because he has broken the chains of society's repressive conditioning and opinions.
He has formed himself by embracing all the colors of the rainbow, emerging from the dark and formless roots of his unconscious past and growing wings to fly into the sky.
His very way of being is rebellious - not because he is fighting against anybody or anything, but because he has discovered his own true nature and is determined to live in accordance with it.
The eagle is his spirit animal, a messenger between earth and sky.

The Rebel challenges us to be courageous enough to take responsibility for who we are and to live our truth.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

steamroller wheels a' turnin'

Well, the city of Chicago finally decided to re"pave" the alley at work.
It has been resurfaced at least 3 times since i started working there and they do a shitty job every time.
Once again they left a nice little trench right along our building for water to gather in & flow right into our basement.
I do not really understand why they believe that asphalt is going to stand up to the rigors of daily delivery truck traffic, the slamming down of load/unload ramps and dumpsters galore.
but that is the way they roll...
the drainage has always been a problem.
there used to be a small trench cut the length of the alley that led to teh stormdrain at the end.
Those were the good days.
Hold i reminiscing about better days in the alley behind work?
That's just wrong.
But i did always make sure that tranch was clear of debris.

This morning, the trip to work was a mess.
I guess there were 2 separate problems on the Brown Line el this morning.
The first, wich effected my trip to work, was a power outage - or at least that is what is reported.
Later, there was a woman who jumped in front of one of the trains.
Maybe it was really only the one incident and then the story got covered all strangely, I am not quite sure.
Too lazy to go look for news links right now.

I ended up getting off of the train a few stops south of home and walked back to get my bike and ride to work.
It was a nice change of pace and i got to try out my new bike on a longer ride.
i have GOT to transfer my toeclips and fenders onto that thing. I missed the clips a lot today. Especially when I hit the headwind.

Out tonite to see my friend Ami G play out.
have not seen her in a long time. should be fun.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Killing People is Rude

Killing People is Rude, originally uploaded by intuitive cat.
Nuff Said

day 11 of 365

day 11 of 365
Originally uploaded by intuitive cat.
I seem to be going with the ebb and flow of things pretty well these days.
Keeping myself busy and creative.
Surprised that phorography has grabbed me for now.
but what can ya do?
It's all i can do to not spend hours in front of Photoshop working on images.

I'm looking forward to a few possible autumn roadtrips.
Wondering who time will be spent with as everything shifts around a little bit more.

Wishing I could quit my job and dive headfirst into projects galore.
Feeling a need for more time outside.
More nature.
More green.
I manage to find a few spots here and there around the city.
Marta has been helpin out in that regard too.
Our recent trip up to a Nature preserve in Crystal Lake was a blast.
We even got to sit in the woods through a downpour.
Then layed out on some picnic tables basking in the sun.
kinda wish i was in Bimini with her swimming with the wild dophins right about now....
but what can ya do?

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

day 10 of 365

day 10 of 365
Originally uploaded by intuitive cat.
It was an amazingly beautiful day today.
Went out wandering this afternoon, needing to be in the sun.
Headed west over to Albany Park just to lay out on the grass and soak up some sun for awhile.
Then headed up California Ave. til i reached the park and Nature Trail at Lawerence.
I was hoping for more graffiti finds, but was astonished at how many great photos i managed to take.
I had forgotten how much i love the random finds as well as the act of simply being observant.
I can see how it could become a meditative thing.
It definitely helps bring one to awareness, being in the now.
I also found a bike today abandoned by the woods.
I left it there for hours waiting to see if anyone would claim it even searching through the woods to see if perchance it belonged to a fisherman/woman or someone else wandering around in there.
But alas, no one to be found.
and the bike is exactly my size.
the one i have been riding for the last 5 years is actually a bit big for me, and I have always felt that the geometry was all outa whack for my body.
It was simply not comfortable to ride.
But this bike, riding it around this evening i was like "Oh yeah! This is what it is supposed to feel like to ride a bike! This is fun!"
click on the photo above or the flickr thingy to the right to see my pics from the day.

Friday, September 22, 2006

day 6 of 365

day 6 of 365
Originally uploaded by intuitive cat.
loving this project.
it is such an interesting time right now.
i feel on the verge of somany great things
i know they are happening
i can see them in the corners of my vision.
i will things manifest?
so much love, but always a step in way in the one way i am craving the most. companionship.
but it's all good.
the love i am enveloped in is warm and inspiring.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

fire heart

fire, originally uploaded by intuitive cat.
surrounded by silence
i am brought back home
to the me that is not me
the play that was not played
sannyas calls yet again.

i hear my wordless name upon the wind
whispering to me

"let go and ride the breeze.
we will dance until the day we settle
back into the earth
and give our bodies
to tomorrows trees."

in the words of the Muadib

"It is time for the Dreamer To Awaken!"

but that is just the beginning,
the foundation.
one must also listen
to his son Leto

"Follow the Golden Path"

free from fate
choosing destiny
no longer a slave
wearing our new robes
of response-ability

the new human rises
dissolving obsolete programs
rising above primal brain circuitry
moving into awareness

there is no battle,
no war
but the war between
control and trust.
represented in flesh
by the priest and the mystic

yet even those who are against existence
cannot live without it.
they just go on creating
hell on earth
as they project
on even the most innocent.

discover and cultivate
your sweetest fragrance
and let it waft thru the air
caressing all you meet.

the blooming flower in the desert
inspiring all to celebrate
and recognize
the Gift of all gifts:

Monday, September 18, 2006

day 2 of the 365 day self portrait project

I've spent the last couple of years feeding all of this information into myself.
techniques of self realization, enlightenment.
asking what it means,which brand of enlightenment is which?
what exactly are these strange experiments of mystics which are meant to set us free from all of the programming which has been imprinted on us since birth?
I have spent so much time analyzing, grokking these things that i have forgotten to partake in the gifts they bring.
I have not shed the junk.
it is still clogging my system.
it brings fears. idiotic ones.
the kind that stop me in my tracks for no rational reason whatsoever.
allowing past patterns to be projected forward to a place where they do not belong.
all i can do is ask for understanding and compassion from those who have to bare the fruits of these dis-eases inside of me.
no matter how open or expansive i want to be, i have been getting gummed up.
one minute it is there, the next it is gone, and i revert to a less developed, less aware state.
all i want to do is love.
people project their own ideas of love and relating.
it cannot be helped.
this is why we must all develop our communication ability.
the only way in an ever changing world to be dancing gracefully is to be able to have that communication, to let it flow.
there is an element of trust involved that many are not ready for.
so many of us bare wounds which we almost get addicted to licking.
we won't leave them alone, wearing them like badges.
we call ourselves rebels, free beings, yet continue to build walls around ourselves in order to protect us from our fears of loss, of rejection, of suffering.
not trusting the other to want to play fairly or respectfully.
and without a dialogue this is going to be the case due to the expectation of it being so.
those same walls keep out the deepest of experiences.
the kind we can look back on years from now and laugh.
thinking it silly how afraid we were going into the situation.

we can either cringe at ourselves or accept our own ugliness and work with it, refining, transmutiing,
while loving, accepting the process, the mistakes, the foolishness and embarassing moments.
i cannot help but be a fool. over and over.
some would say that the one who jumps fast, who is willing to leap is the weaker,
the one who is mistaken, the one who does not have the strength.
the foolish one. taking unnecessary risks.
but i beg to differ.
it is only those who are willing to jump which will fly.
you must risk to gain.
i lose nothing. even the suffering is a gain.
i gain experience, wisdom, and the blessing of interacting with divine beings
(yeah, every one of you!).
it is only in desire, in expectations in wanting the other to meet my definition in which the problems and suffering arise.
and how can any of those things be anything but illusions unless there is a deep empathy and understanding of the other?
everyone is practicing, experimenting, learning.
judging ain't gonna help.
guiding people to their own truths will.
we all get to dance together.
and there are many dances,
close intimate ones with partners, synchronized ones with groups, and expressive explosions of the individual.
aesthetics. each providing it's own language and dimension of experience and possibilities.

The time has come for me to dive deeper.
i have GOT to get this junk outa here before it strangles me.
i've been my worst enemy long enough.
i'm tired of excuses.

i need to learn to stand strong in front of the goddess and recognize my own godliness.
and own it.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

day 1 of the 365 day self portrait project

I will be taking a good look at myself over the next year.
much healing to be had.
growing up overweight left deep body image scars.
thanks to Danielle for turnin me onto this project.
should be an interesting journey.
self reflection.
it's quite an interesting thing.

Naqoyqatsi - alternative soundtrack mix finally done!

just posted a new dj mix which while not originally intended to be, ended up being sync'd to go along with the movie Naqoyqatsi, the third movie of the Koyanisqaatsi trilogy.
I've made both 128 and 320kbps versions available.
you can download them with these links:
Mechanized Mentalities 128kbps version . 77.2MB
Mechanized Mentalities 320kbps version . 192.8MB
the mix ranges from in your face to tongue in cheek and back again.
considering the subject matter of the movie I think i managed to create a pretty well balanced mix that remains playful in its intensity.
the playlist is in the graphic below
so, download the mix, rent or buy the movie, sync 'em up and enjoy!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Subjective and Objective Art

Osho's take on art is something that i know a lot of artists are not ready to face.
For many creative folks, they are so used to the art being born of friction and pain that they cannot imagine any other way of doing it, so they remain in unhealthy realities and fixations so that they have a constant nourishment for their creativity.
they fail to recognize that there is another more lifegiving kind of nourishment available.
life is not all suffering. and our fixation on that suffering does nothing but reinforce it.
that is what the "bhagwan" had to say:

Insight on Art by Osho

There are two types of creators in the world: one type of creator works with objects - a poet, a painter, they work with objects, they create things; the other type of creator, the mystic, creates himself, he works with the subject; he works on himself, his own being. And he is the real creator, the real poet, because he makes himself into a masterpiece.

The subjective art means you are pouring your subjectivity onto the canvas,
your dreams, your imaginations, your fantasies.
It is a projection of your psychology.
The same happens in poetry, in music, in all dimensions of creativity -
you are not concerned with the person who is going to see your painting,
not concerned what will happen to him when he looks at it;
that is not your concern at all.
Your art is simply a kind of vomiting.
It will help you, just the way vomiting helps.
It takes the nausea away, it makes you cleaner, makes you feel healthier.
But you have not considered what is going to happen to the person who is going to see your vomit.
He will become nauseous.
He may start feeling sick.

Look at the paintings of Picasso. He is a great painter, but just a subjective artist.
Looking at his paintings, you will start feeling sick, dizzy, something going berserk in your mind.
You cannot go on looking at Picasso's painting for long.
You would like to get away, because the painting has not come from a silent being.
It has come from a chaos.
It is a byproduct of a nightmare.
But ninety-nine percent of art belongs to that category.

Objective art is just the opposite.
The man has nothing to throw out, he is utterly empty, absolutely clean.
Out of this silence, out of this emptiness arises love, compassion.
And out of this silence arises a possibility for creativity.
This silence, this love, this compassion - these are the qualities of meditation.

Meditation brings you to your very center.
And your center is not only your center, it is the center of the whole existence.
Only on the periphery we are different.
As we start moving toward the center, we are one.
We are part of eternity, a tremendously luminous experience of ecstasy that is beyond words.
Something that you can be... but very difficult to express it.
But a great desire arises in you to share it, because all other people around you are groping for exactly such experiences.
And you have it, you know the path.

And these people are searching everywhere except within themselves - where it is!
You would like to shout in their ears.
You would like to shake them and tell them, "Open your eyes! Where are you going? Wherever you go, you go away from yourself.
Come back home, and come as deep into yourself as possible."

This desire to share becomes creativity.
Somebody can dance.
There have been mystics - for example, Jalaluddin Rumi - whose teaching was not in words, whose teaching was in dance.
He will dance.
His disciples will be sitting by his side, and he will tell them, "Anybody who feels like joining me can join.
It is a question of feeling.
If you don't feel like, it is up to you.
You can simply sit and watch."

But when you see a man like Jalaluddin Rumi dancing, something dormant in you becomes active.
In spite of yourself you find you have joined the dance.
You are already dancing before you become aware that you have joined it.

Even this experience is of tremendous value, that you have been pulled like a magnetic force.
It has not been your mind decision, you have not weighed for pro and for against, to join or not to join, no.
Just the beauty of Rumi's dance, his spreading energy, has taken possession of you.
You are being touched.
This dance is objective art.

And if you can continue - and slowly you will become more and more unembarrassed, more and more capable - soon you will forget the whole world.
A moment comes, the dancer disappears and only the dance remains.

. . .. ... ..... ........ .............

Is it ever possible to paint a totally satisfying painting?
Osho - The Book of Wisdom, Discourse 20

WHILE PAINTING, EACH MOMENT can be totally satisfying. But once the painting is complete it can never be totally satisfying, because if it is totally satisfying the painter will have to commit suicide. There will be no need to live any more.

That's why I say life is longing, pure longing -- longing to attain higher and higher peaks, longing to go deeper and deeper into existence. But each moment can be utterly satisfying; that difference has to be remembered. When you are painting, each brush, each color that you throw on the canvas, each moment of it, is totally satisfying. There is nothing more to it. You are utterly lost, possessed, if you are a creator.

If you are only a technician then it is not so. The technician is not lost while he is painting, he is separate from his painting. He is just using his knowledge. He knows how to paint, that's all. There is nothing in his heart to paint -- no vision, no poetry, no song. He has nothing to create, but just the technology. He is a technician, not an artist. He can paint -- but while painting it is not meditation for him, it is not a love affair for him. He is doing it; he is a doer, separate. But the creator is not separate while he is creating, he is one with it. He is utterly lost, he has forgotten himself.

That's why when painters are painting they forget about food, forget about thirst, forget about sleep. They forget about the body so much that they can go on painting for eighteen hours without feeling at all tired. Each moment is absolutely satisfying.

But once the painting is complete, a great sadness descends on the real painter. These differences have to be remembered. When the painting is complete, the technician feels very happy: a good job done, finished. He is feeling tired; it was a long tiring process, no contentment on the way. He was just waiting for the result, he was result-oriented. He wanted to finish it somehow, and now it is finished. He takes a deep sigh of relief. He is happy, not while he is painting but only when the painting is complete.

Just the opposite happens to the creator. He is happy while he is painting; once the painting is complete, a great sadness descends on him. "So it is over? That peak, that climax, that orgasmic experience is over? That thrill, that adventure, that going into the unknown is over?" ... just as lovers feel sad after a deep orgasm: a subtle sadness, beautiful in itself, of tremendous value -- far more valuable than the happiness of the technician, because out of this sadness another painting will arise, out of this sadness another longing to soar high, another aspiration to reach beyond, another search, another inquiry, another pregnancy. The painter will be pregnant soon, will feel full, so full that he will have to share it again.

It is said that when Gibbon, the great historian, finished his great work about world history.... Thirty-three years it took to finish it, and he was so tremendously happy for those thirty-three years that it is said that he didn't age. He remained exactly the same, as if time never passed, as if time has stopped.

But the day it was finished he started crying. His wife could not believe it. She said, "You are crying? You should be happy, you should dance! The work is complete."

Gibbon said, "The work is complete. Now what is left for me? My life is complete." And within five years he aged so much, and by the seventh year he was gone.

IT IS SAID that Vincent van Gogh, the great Dutch painter, committed suicide when he felt that he had done the perfect painting. It is possible. If the painter feels the perfect has happened, then there is no point in living. The creator lives to create. The singer lives to sing, the dancer lives to dance, the lover lives to love, the tree lives to bloom -- if it has bloomed and the perfect flowers have come, then what is the point of prolonging a futile, meaningless existence?

Your question is significant. You ask: "Is it possible to paint a totally satisfying painting?"

Yes and no. Yes, while you are painting it will be totally satisfying. And no, once it is over you will feel great sadness. But that sadness is also creative, because it is only out of that sadness you will again start moving towards the sunlit peaks.

And in this life nothing really is ever perfect or can ever be perfect.

You will be surprised that I believe in an imperfect God. You will be shocked, because at least all the religions are agreed on one thing, that God is perfect. I don't agree, because if God is perfect then Friedrich Nietzsche is right that God is dead. God is perfectly imperfect -- that much I can say. Hence there is growth, evolution; hence there is movement. It is always, always coming closer and closer to perfection, but it is never perfect and it will never be perfect.

Nothing ever is perfect. In fact imperfection has a beauty of its own, because imperfection has a life. Whenever something is perfect -- just think, contemplate -- whenever something is really perfect, life will disappear from it.

Life can exist only if something is still imperfect and has to be perfected. Life is the effort to perfect the imperfect. Life is the ambition to make the ugly beautiful. Something of imperfection is a must for life to exist, for life to go on growing and flowing.

Nothing ever is perfect. Or if something any time happens to be perfect, in the East we have a right vision of it. We say whenever a person becomes perfect, that is his last life. The scriptures give different reasons for it; my reason is totally different. I say yes, when Buddha is perfect he will not come back, because perfection means life is no more possible. He will disappear into the cosmos.

RABINDRANATH, a great Indian poet and mystic, prayed his last prayer to God: "Send me back. Remember, I am not perfect. Send me back. Your world was too beautiful and you gave me such a precious life. And I don't want to disappear yet: I have yet to sing many songs, I have yet to paint many paintings, there is yet much in my heart which needs to bloom. Send me back, I am not perfect! Send me back."

That was his last prayer; he died praying this way. It is one of the most beautiful prayers and one of the most beautiful ways to die. How can one thank God more than this? "Your world was beautiful, I loved your world; I was not worthy of it but you made me. I am not worthy to be sent back, but still, your compassion is great. At least one time more, send me back."

LIFE KEEPS GROWING. Nothing ever is perfect -- or whenever something is perfect it disappears, it goes into annihilation. The Buddhist word is nirvana. Nirvana means annihilation, nirvana means cessation. Literally, nirvana means "blowing out the candle." Just as you blow out a candle and suddenly the light is gone, gone forever, has disappeared into nothingness -- that is nirvana. All the buddhas say whosoever becomes perfect moves into nirvana, goes into annihilation.

Don't hanker for a perfect painting, otherwise the painter will die. And you have yet to sing many songs.

And the painting cannot be perfect, the song and the dance cannot be perfect, for a few more reasons. One: when you visualize it in the deepest core of your heart, it is a totally different thing. When you start painting it, you are translating it from the subtle to the gross. In that very transforming, in that very translation, much is lost.

Hence no painter ever feels satisfied when he finishes his painting. It is not the same as that which he wanted to paint -- similar, but not the same. He has some vision to compare, it has fallen very short. Hence he starts another painting.

RABINDRANATH again has to be remembered. He wrote six thousand songs -- seems to be the greatest poet the world has ever known -- and each song is a beauty. But when he was dying he was crying, he was saying to God, "The song that I wanted to sing, I have not sung yet."

An old friend was by the side of the bed, and the old friend said, "What are you saying? Have you gone mad? You have sung six thousand songs. In Europe, Shelley is thought to be one of the greatest poets. He has sung only two thousand songs. You have defeated him three times. You should be happy and contented!"

Rabindranath opened his tear-filled eyes and he said, "I am not. Yes, six thousand songs I have sung, but you don't know the inner story. The inner story is, I wanted to sing only one song! But because it never was possible.... I tried once, failed; I tried again, I failed. Six thousand times I have failed. Those are all efforts, and I am not satisfied with any of them. That which I wanted to sing is still unsung."

In fact nobody can sing it.

Buddha used to declare in every town, wherever he would go, "Please don't ask these eleven questions." In those eleven questions, all important questions were included: God, soul, death, life, truth, everything important was included. Why? "Because," he would say, "they cannot be answered. Not that I don't know, but to bring them to words is impossible."

There was an ancient mysterious wall which stood at the edge of a village and whenever anyone climbed the wall to look onto the other side, instead of coming back he smiled and jumped to the other side, never to return. The inhabitants of the village became curious as to what could draw these beings to the other side of the wall. After all, their village had all the necessities of living a comfortable life.

They made an arrangement where they tied a person's feet, so when he looked over and wished to jump, they could pull him back.

The next time someone tried to climb the wall to see what was on the other side, they chained his feet so he could not go over. He looked on the other side and was delighted at what he saw, and smiled. Those standing below grew curious to question him and pulled him back. To their great disappointment he had lost the power of speech.

THOSE WHO HAVE SEEN cannot say. That which has been seen cannot be painted, cannot be reduced to words. But still each one has to give a try. The world goes on becoming more and more beautiful because of these efforts. The world is beautiful because of the six thousand songs that Rabindranath tried, although he failed to sing the song that he wanted. Those six thousand failures have made the world far more beautiful than it ever was. It will not be the same world again, those six thousand songs will go on resonating.

So go on painting, go on creating. Yet I tell you again and again, you will never be satisfied. I bless you that you should never be satisfied, but let each moment of your creativity be a great contentment. But when something is finished, move ahead. You have infinite capacities to create; you are unlimited, you don't have any limits to your potential. You are not aware what you can do, and you will never be aware unless you do it!

Hence the greatest creators are aware how poor has been their creation, because they become aware, more and more aware, how much more is possible. The ordinary person who has never created anything is not aware what he can do. There is no other way to know what you can do unless you do it. And while doing it you can see that what you wanted to do, what was very clear in your inner world, has become very dim and ordinary when it has been brought to the outer.

You will try again. Each effort will become better and better and better, more and more perfect, but never perfect.

. . .. ... ..... ........ .............

now that is good medicine to me.
i think i need to loosen up o that need to prefect things and start letting them go to be shared more readily.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Thank the Goddess

I think that this past wednesday something happened.
and i have the most intriguing and inspiring woman i have met yet to thank for it.

The very quality and vibration of my being seems to have transformed.
a huge leap on the journey.
energy which was stuck is now flowing freely.
something shining, luminous, radiant being born.
clarity coming more and more.

at moments, i find myself desirous of more time in her presence.
a craving.
not hunger.
not neediness.
a desire to share
to support
to hold
to uplift
to laugh
to love

A spark has been lit under my ass and i find my creativity overflowing.

people are even looking at me a little bit strangely on the street.
i wonder, is it because they are not used to seeing someone who is at peace?
who is at ease?

i know that i will not spend 911 in the trance of terror,
but rather in the arms of Tara (enlightened compassion)

resistance is sloughing off of me as i move into the vibration of creation.

No desire to own, to control, to demand.
simply seeking resonance, sharing, co-creation.

It is always blissful to connect with fellow seekers.
When that seeker happens to be a super hot goddess
who is able to keep up with my crazy-talk it is almost overwhelming!

To have simply shared energies for a moment is enough.
yet how can i not wish for more of such a divine nectar?

not to mention that i am tickled by the fact
that the song Dumuzi sang to Inanna keeps coming to mind.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

I love the poetry of Hafiz

In a Tree House

Will someday split you open
Even if your life is now a cage,

For a divine seed, the crown of destiny,
Is hidden and sown on an ancient fertile plain
You hold the title to.

love will surely bust you wide open
Into an unfettered, blooming new galaxy

Even if your mind is now
A spoiled mule.

A life giving radiance will come,
The Friend's gratuity will come -

O look again within yourself,
For I know you were once the elegant host
To all the marvels in creation.

From a sacred crevice in your body
A bow rises each night
And shoots your soul into God.

Behold the Beautiful Drunk Singing One
From the lunar vantage point of love.

He is conducting the affairs
Of the whole universe

While throwing wild parties
In a tree house - on a limb
In your heart.


Thursday, August 17, 2006

new adventures

droppin the old makes way for the new.
seems i've managed to come to the end of that last section of the amusement park.
friends are healing their past relationships and it is great.
i am happy for them.
when i discovered this about sweet p, it made me laugh out loud with the absurdity of life and how things just manage to work themselves out the way they should.
sometimes we need to lose what we had in order to know what it was.
those who have known me for awhile now know how the story goes on my end.
it's been interesting and full of all sorts of ups and downs.
but it has all been extremely rewarding in terms of the friendships and connections developed as well as the personal transformations which were catalyzed by the whole thing.

the best part of all of this is that when the old ways drop, then there is finally room for the new!

wonderful new people entering my life.
wonderful new projects and possibilities.
i just finished and entered a remix into the Bugz in The Attic 'Move Aside' remix contest and i could not be happier with my version which you can download below:
low rate (128kpbs - 8M) right click here
hi rate (320kbps -20M) right click here
or if you just want to stream it, go to my myspace music page here
to hear other entries, check out some of the links in the Bugz forum here.

i feel more relaxed and inspired than i have in a long time.
lots of wonderful words and feedback coming my way, that always helps!

it's a time for change, for steppin out, for makin the moves.

new dj mix coming soon too...

now if i can just get myself started on writing that book....

Sunday, July 30, 2006

new dj mix available

New mix.
Mixed in traktor dj studio 2.whatever
Heres the tracklist: (artist/song)

01. Simon Grey - The Galactica Suite (Domu mix)
02. Clyde & Capitol A - Serve It Up (Starship Remix)
03. Tantan - No Music For Hlynor (Dogdaze remix)
04. Jamie Lidell - When I Come Back Around (Freeform Reform)
05. Bugz In The Attic - Inna Row
06. Ian Simmonds - The Dragon feat. The Ekonda Women of Kinshasa
07. Bugz In The Attic - Doghouse (Interlude)
08. Moodymann - When She (Reprise)
09. Wise In Time - The Fox
10. Phuturistix - The Message
11. filtered by the spiral - Intense Connection (Slipp Chilll Broke Yer Spell mix)
12. filtered by the spiral - Its Only Natural
13. Bugz In The Attic - Im Gonna Letcha
14. Dego & Kaidi Taitham - Come With Me

right click here to download the file
time x 58:20 mp3'd @ 128kbps = 53.4MB of tastiness
mixed by slipp chilll (your's truly)

mis-takes of love

all part of trust
of foolishness
of letting go.

the leap
off the cliff
more thrilling each time
more rewarding

whether or not
the visions
come to fruition
the journey is worth it
especially as friendships

and let be
that which is
knowing full well
that love flows

to free myself
from self imposed bondage
to love myself
wthout narcissistic need
to be natural
without fear
my own abilty
to see
my own dis-ease
and transmute it
into creativity

detached from my creations
sensing no meaning
no fulfilment through them
how can this be?
as skill levels rise
as acceptance
become the norm

why in this moment
of things coming to fruition
do i choose to destroy
my own meaning?

oh, dear dead rajneesh,
what have the words
which have flowed
from your lips
done to me?

here i am
at the breaking point
will it be a breakdown?
or a breakthrough?
how do iplay in this leela
with joy?
when my stubborness
makes me not want to participate
in this illusion?

to lighten my heart
filled with joy
i find myself stuck
even in the face
of constant divine gifts

selling my creativity
makes me feel
like a whore

would you love me just the same
if all i did was sit and love?
is it the quality of my being
which draws you?
or is it only my artifacts?
for they are not me.
or are they?

maybe that is why i care.

do i expect to much
from me, from you?
in a time
when global chaos
is alive
and flourishing
all i see is
the great escape
as the masses
try to ignore
and cope
with the madness
surrounding them

i want to see vision
hypocrisy dissolving
warriors putting down their swords and pens
unless they are really going to sacrifice themselves
for that which they believe

the statement "NO WAR"
is an act of war
in itself
to hate bush
is to be bush
it solves nothing
and keeps you
from taking control
of reality
lets you maintain
the illusion
that your life
is actually righteous
when you are really
full of hate.

a week in an
isolation tank
sounds damn good to me
right about now.
to clear the junk
from my mind
so i, myself
can live as i am saying
without fear
without hate
without judgement
and without desire.

let the boldness of Krishna
unfold from my bones
and birth some joy
within my connection
to civilisation
i do not know
if i can keep this up
without shedding it all.

for the first time

i worry about myself

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


chose a path.
hope for participation.
the move.
will it happen?
it must.
it simply feels right.
all of it.
my heart sings.
gotta get it together.
and make this shit happen.
this love
so natural
so real
so healthy.
inspired and inspiring
and i want it now.
where's that teleporter dammit!