Monday, January 30, 2006

new dj mix available - the painted horse mix

that's right...yet another dj mix to get yer groove goin.

this one ended up being heavy on the afrobeat style jams both tech-house & more traditional
throw in some broken beats for good measure & you've got the

Painted Horse mix
just under 70 minutes and 65MB at 128kbps encoding

here is the link

the playlist for the "painted horse " mix january 29, 2006:

01- Champion Soul feat. Ronyx - Holdin' On
02- Delgui feat. Colonel Red - It's Gonna Be Alright (Stereo Twin's House Mix)
03- Jaymz Nylon as African Audio Research Program - Shine
04- Flgelschlag - Mendiani (UK Remix by Wai Wan)
05- Syrup - Sweat Shop (Bassline Members Remix)
06- Only Freak feat. Rasiyah - Can't Get Away (From Your Love)(Solid Groove mix)
07- Raw Deal - Blues for Brother George Jackson
08- Reel People with Sharlene Hector - The Rain (Joey London Boogie Dub)
09- Stephane Vera - All This Time
10- Switch - Get Ya Dub On (Jimpster Mix)
11- Robert Strauss - Giving Me Something
12- Azymuth - Sao Pedro (Roc Hunter Remix)
13- Osho - Be a Joke Unto Yourself

Sunday, January 29, 2006


well, i lost my free internet that i was rockin at home...
what can ya do?
be glad that i had it while i did!
posts will be less frequent for awhile, but hopefully my disconnection will soon be remedied.
meanwhile, i've been driknin too much coffee while sitting in Beans & Bagels gettin my internet fix.

New DJ mixes coming soon...
just gotta render & upload.
that's it for today....

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


saw this elemental over chicago the other day.

it was leading a movement of beautiful wispy formations.

i love walking up the lakefront this time of year! :)

Friday, January 13, 2006


Winter can be such a difficult time for so many.
in this time right after the holidays when so many of us tend to be broke & are digesting all of the events that occurred throughout the holidays.
It is especially difficult when on top of that one is trying to build a new life, to get a focus, to figure out exactly what it is which is needed to fulfill the needs of creating that life.
To move?
Not to move?
Where should I be focusing?
Or rather, how can I manage to focus all of these scattered elements into a cohesive whole which will support the life which I want to lead?
What is that life, anyway?
Do I even have a clue?

During times of transition, things can become so muddled, so confusing, that we can lose our sense of who we are.
Confidence falters as we are constantly surrounded by things that remind us of our challenge and the fact that we may not be rising to meet it.
Letting go, trusting life, is not an easy task.
We here in the ‘western” world tend to lean so hard on logic, on the rational.
This can be such a trap!
While it helps work through elements, helps assemble certain things, it also can hinder so many others.
We rationalize things according to abstracted interpretations of the “other”, not really knowing whether or not those assumptions are correct unless we create the proper dialogue. The subtleties get lost. The lessons that are available get buried, lost in the clutter, glanced over.
We fall back onto preconceived notions based on our past experiences, projecting that reality, that “holographic insert” into our present interactions. Judging the new through our experiences of the old, never truly letting it be what it is, in its purity, in its truth.
It is how we have been taught to learn. But it is not the totality of experience.
It is merely one aspect, one small parcel.
To open up to a more holistic knowing, a deepening of possibilities, of understandings, one must step past the rational, not tossing it to the side, but integrating it with the intuitive, with gestalt knowing, the ability to see a bigger picture.
Sometimes it is so difficult to trust our intuition.
I know. I had my confidence in my own shaken to the core a little over a year ago., and it happened at a high point of my trust in it.

But I am recovering & have hope, knowing that when I let go, when I surrender to life that I am always taken care of.
It is just as good to suffer as to feel bliss. Both are needed!
It is this friction that propels us into new growth, into our own beings, into discovering our very core.

So often I question what I am doing, why I am doing it, and if I am doing nothing more than entertaining myself.
But then I remember. I am learning.
I am growing.
I am expanding
I am learning to love

Somehow over the last decade I have managed to move into being at war with myself.
I never used to be that way. Everyone considered me to be one of the easiest going & most relaxed people they knew.
There are those now that still see & experience me in that way, but there are also those who have experienced the other side too.
The heaviness, the depth, the presence of my being that I keep bringing ever increasingly into the nowHere.
It is too much for most. So many are interested in the diversion.
And yes, I get caught up in that too, and sometimes we NEED to!
Otherwise we may go mad!

Life is a proving ground, and I am constantly challenged.
I did not expect the latest one.
It blindsided me in the best of ways.
To have someone that understands, that can have the conversations with me that I have always wanted to have, and to UNDERSTAND!!!!
It is bliss!
I need nothing more than to hear that voice,
The insights, the questions, the critical thinking….

I cannot describe the way the waves wash over me when I hear that voice & those words.
I feel perfectly content about life.
She always says the most beautiful of things, and without effort or meaning to!
It is all so natural that she does not even seem to realize just how amazing & beautiful she actually is!
But then…maybe that is the friction that propels, which creates the new.
The very thing needed for that leap into the next phase, however it manifests for her.
What I do know is that I wish to help foster that new growth.

Knowing she is out there sharing this reality makes me feel at ease.
How dare I ever ask for anything more?
All I find myself wanting to do is give & give & give some more.
The part of what I get out of it does not even cross my mind.
Sure, the fears come in reminding me of the two years dedicated to sweet p that I spent, which ended in such a traumatic way.
But I cannot let that fear control me & my willingness to give, to trust , and to love.
I survived selfless giving before & am all the more a man for it.
It moved me into a depth of being with myself, understanding myself which is absolutely incredible.
And I know that these are only baby steps!
If there is this much incredible experience to be had within a few years time, just imagine looking back ten years from now!
Heck, I do that & holy crap!
Me in the mid-nineties compared to now?
Uh huh. You know what I am talking about.

All I know right now is that I have been given marvelous gifts and I have been frittering them away.
The more I hear about the state of the world, witness the weather, think about that whole 2012 thing & all of the prophecies of all of the various people & cultures & this strange speeding up of everything…
…well, it make me feel so pressed for time, like everything has to happen NOW.
Tomorrow cannot be counted on, it may not ever come.
There is only now.
And that is the place where most of us find it difficult to be.

It is not a matter of not paying heed to the needs of the future.
That is all dependent on exactly what it is you wish to live, how it is you wish to live.
If one looks back at their life, how much of it is really planned?
Did you expect to be where you are right now?
Was it part of some big plan?
for me the answer is a resounding NO!
But I am exactly where I am supposed to be, learning what I need to learn, experiencing what I need to experience.
And so are you.

We cannot really control who or what comes into our live when & where.
Life is chance.
It is dangerous, but that is the way it is!
That is what gives it all of the richness that makes it worth living!

I do not want a boring life.
I do not want an average life.
I want to birth great things into the world, even if that means only touching a few people in very deep ways.
But I know that I can do more than that.
That I WILL do more than that, with no effort, by simply being.
And that right there is the whole challenge.
To simply be, and to freely give that which I have to give.

i have been given the chance to be this, to live this, to walk the walk.
I know I can and will, as the other person involved in this challenge is one which I refuse to ever let down.

To my newest friend & the most challenging and rewarding experience yet
I promise only the best of me.
I will shine like the sun.
I will burn way the cynicism.
And I will bring love in it’s most selfless form.
Thank you for the opportunity.
I truly feel blessed.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

More Juicy! More Spicy!

it's true!
yet another new mix
productivity has possessed me! ('bout frikkin time!)
just under 70 minutes.

click here to get it

the More Juicy!, More Spicy! mix


1. Special Music by Special People - At the Bottom of the Sea
2. Jabwai - Highheeled
3. Miguel Migs feat. Li'Sha - Do It for You (Bump the Tech Dub)
4. Phuturistix - Cohiba
5. Raw Deal - AfroRainbow
6. Joakim - Electric Kitchen (I Cube Remix)
7. Ben Mono Feat. Capitol A - Mindsweep
8. Jamie Lidell - When I Come Back Around
9. Splinterfaction - Ultraism
10. BB Boogie - Tell Him (Booty Bounce Part 2 Remix)
11. Rhythm & Sound - Mango Drive
12. Jeremy Ellis - These Passing Days
13. Flowriders - My Crazy Vein
14. Osho - Life As a Tragic Comedy

i giggled thru a good deal of mixing this...
hope you enjoy!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

renewed outlook

there has been a lot to work through over the last week.
patterns within become recognized.
foolish behavior too...
failure to communicate as well as i intended to...
not being clear.
i'm making sure that i am keeping a good sense of humor about myself, cus otherwise this would really seem like a lot of work.
instead, it keeps vacillating back & forth between work & play.
coming to terms with oneself is , well...interesting, challenging...confusing, inspiring, sometimes disappointing at first...
but always worth it.
gotta learn from that shit.

all of this has been great. it has spurred me outwards into the world.
time to get out of the apartment a little more.
craving good conversation, good company.
the kinda times that make your mind tingle.
big laughs at crazy ideas, moments of insight, absurd ideas.
also feeling the urge, finally, to connect more witih the artistic community of this city.
i am not quite sure why i've not put the effort i could into showing my work.
speaking of which, i really need to get that new version fo the site goin...already have some of the graph design done.

i found myself on myspace last night browsing to see what kind of people are hanging round this town.
it is always so interesting to see how people create their profiles, how they present themselves.
found some very interesting & creative people out there, so if any of ya happen to be reading this, welcome to the absurdity which is my blog.

tonite i did a new dj mix (of an older set that i did not have a good recording of yet)
66M and 71 minutes. i LOVE this mix. get it here
tracklist forthcoming...

this is going to be such an interesting year.
time to turn some heads.

Friday, January 06, 2006

the fool

a few of you may notice that i removed a post that i had put up a couple of days ago.
i felt that it had some things in it that i did not like, that should have been private, and that while good intentioned were expressed in a manner which i am not very proud of.
It was written while i was really having a hard time wrestling with my emotional ghosts, desires, fears.
it has been a very emotional week as i have been digesting so much, trying to make sense of everything,
trying to make sense of me.
all i really want to do is love, and help people free themselves.
but so many times i end up sounding like an ass.
i want to say good day to that part of myself, to move forward into a more compassionate language.
maybe it is time to put down the osho books.
they have made me harsh around the edges.
i do not like that.
i am not proud of unknowingly hurting others feelings, causing anguish, anxiety, or any other negative feelings.
so, i apologize to every person i have ever offended.
i cannot say that you will not be put off by my words in the future, but i can say that i am seeking the most loving language i can.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

cosmic dance

walker between worlds, dancing amongst the stars.
spiraling at the nexus, the place of convergence.
where realities meet, co-create, make love, make war, make up.
bridging gaps, tossing seeds.
exorcising self.
a beautiful dance, gazing upon creation, the infinite multitude of perceptions, dimensions, individual worlds we all create for ourselves in each of our own attempts at discovering just what it is to be alive, to be human, to be aware.
while spinning, a realization comes, that one cannot choose any a path until the spinning has ceased.
one must stop.
eventually choosing a path, or choosing the eternal spin.
now & then a path will assert itself, manifesting, unfolding.
is it one i wish to venture down?
is it worth the risk?
do my desires get in the way of those involved?
how to dance with this partner, this connection made in the fabric of spacetime?
questions that occur so often to those who seek expansion, who search for truth, for gnosis, for revelation.
it is such a tough call.
expecially with so many choices!
we have no shortage of choices in these times!
yet somehow, caught up in the spin, lost in the motion, the search, the present can tend to get lost, forgotten, as we live in the past and future, the only times that do not actually exist, that are only memories, perceptions, projections, artistic renditions and understandings of things found, translated, meanings implied.

but at some point the spinning must stop! and one must get on with it!
what to choose, what to choose? or do i even choose?
maybe i let it choose me!
that requires so much trust in life, so much trust!and i promise you, life will provide!
it always has or you would not be here!
such a big step!
so easy to talk or write about, so much more difficult to live when one has been raised in a culture steeped in negative reinforcement, of fault, of the quest for perfection.
but i guess that it really is only when that trust is there that the magic can happen, that the flowers shower.

yesterday afternoon i felt electric, to the extent of visualization.
as i was walking home from work, a point came where i felt supercharged, i felt and saw lightning shooting thru me, crown to base. it surged through my hands as they crackled with this pure bright energy.
as i walked down the street, i could not help but project it outwards, caressing every person i passed with this energy, this compassion, this love.
when i am in that state i am who i am supposed to be, i am natural, and i am home.
maybe i am just crazy, but i do not care.
it is a magnificent experience.
one to be cultivated.
becoming homo-luminous.
leaving the monkey behind and returning to divinity.
yet the monkey clings, as it must, since i am in this vehicle, this flesh, which allows me all of this experience in this form, which allows me to write this, to express this, to be this.
there may be keys on the outside, in and of the material, but the doorway is only inside, and it is etheric, unmeasurable and only known by experiencing it.
we all choose our own keys, and each one is different.
this search for THE key, for an easy route for all, while well intentioned, is not natural, is not right.
it is simply a need to be right, and that must be dropped, for it stands in the way of the path.
it is all too easy to become zealous about our own revelations, our own paths to them, but we must remember that it is only our own, and that is exactly the way it is supposed to be. options, expressions, chances to explore.
the master key is mutual facilitation. not arguing & standing in each other's way, but rather cooperation on the quest.
dancing with each other, celebrating our individual explorations, each of which add to the fabric of the collective experience.
remember, there's a lot of room on that dancefloor!
so lets get out there & do our things! be a fool!
and let the life flow through you!

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

return (revised a bit & reposted)

Tonite i found myself returning to many things.
old fears & insecurities, not believing that i am who i am, that i am a sham...
but knowing i am just being neurotic, just letting the fear of becoming who it is i am naturally meant to be take over.
afraid of my own power.
afraid of not being able to experience those whom i love most.
that everything will be nothing but memories.
staring truth in the eye, i cry.
so many emotions flowing through those tears, from anguish to pure bliss.

I've spent this last year so steeped in the whole enlightenment/mysticism/desirelessness thing and i was amazed to find how quickly and easily it washes away.
once again it is proven that i am not as progressed as i may have wanted to imagine myself to be, but then, every now & then those ego slaps have gotta come like that.
tis the nature of keepin things sane.

When i make an intense connection like the one newly made, i become so devotional.
I see the goddess there right in front of me & I can do nothing but be completely overcome in adoration of her.
My devotional nature asserts itself, and i pledge a spiritual loyalty like no other.
i cannot help it, it is my very nature to be this way.
it is part of the integration, the awakening, the recognition that the divine is everywhere.
since i am currently human, it only makes sense that this devotion somehow manifests towards someone i'd fall in love with.
companionship is a huge part of the human experience, in all its forms.
i crave it, yet somehow never seem to be satisfied with the way it manifests in my life.
i wonder...looking in the wrong places?in the wrong way? not nurturing it enough ?
wanting too much? to have a family? a home? a life with someone, no matter how unconventional?
it seems that i am drawn towards those not yet ready for me. at least not within the last 5 years of my life.
yet somehow i have always managed to open them up, if even just a little.if even just for a moment.
to shine some light, bring some hope.
create some joy.
but my human need for companionship always seems to end up being an issue in some regard & things inevitably seem to get complicated.
i am not an all or nothing guy like i think some tend to believe i am.
intense, yes. willing to leap, to surrender and risk being vulnerable? yep.
all i am ever really trying to birth in myself and in others is healing, growth, expansion, and awareness, happiness.
maybe call me an all or whatever you feel comfortable with kinda guy. ;^)

so many are not ready for love. LOVE. the real shit. the cosmic connection.
the oneness of all things.
afraid to be intimate, vulnerable.
afraid of hurting.
afraid of mistakes, of not being able to reconcile them.
but most of these fears are unfounded.
they are products of our illusions, or delusions, really; our misconceptions about how life works out, and whether or not life takes care of us.
it does take care of us if we surrender to it. if we have faith in it.
but even many of those who try to do that only change the scenery, creating new stories & rituals and such that allow for a different illusion, whether it be religion, science, utilizing sacred space & "indigenous cultural values".
but rarely do any of these thing come from the center.
rarely are they authentic. rather, they are postmodern cut & paste realities pulled from sometimes overly starry-eyed dreamers. and i said DREAMERS, not VISIONARIES and there is a tremendous difference.
there are always a few visionaries involved, but only on the fringes, in the gaps where most do not notice at first.
i am sometimes troubled by ritual and have been for a long time.
many will lambast the rituals of the christian church or other "official" religions but then participate in their own rituals & think that there is some sort of actual core difference.
dogma is dogma. period. the intention may be different, but the hardware running the show is the same.
as marshal mccluhan would say, "The medium IS the message."
and ritual goes right down to that core reptilian brain, the shit that is all basic & about survival, emotionless, cold. to the core materialist program.
the rituals of authentic, precivilised tribes i would believe for the most part to be a natural outpouring of expression between themselves & life/planet.
huge organized events that create ritualized settings are abstracted mental spaces that are intentionally created. they are MARKETED. one must remain intensely critical of such gatherings. who organized it? who is feeding off of the energy which is being produced? what are the motives? who's message are you opening yourself up to?
these events are an outpouring of civilized people that are a product of the very culture which many of them rail against, not realizing, or ignoring that they would not be who they are or have the tools that they already do if it was not for the very culture which gave them birth. (even though it was the same culture which destroyed most of the esoteric knowledge of the world, it is also the one that collected this knowledge and has created the tools which so many of todays neopagans & alternative community folks rely on)
the argument for ritualized settings always seems to be that it gives those involved the tools to take home to spread whatever energy or intention is involved or desired.
this is true TO AN EXTENT.
the problem is that ritual works psychologically AGAINST integration as it separates those very elements from everyday life & can subconsciously convince the participants that a certain setting & set of rules is needed in order to fulfill the needs of the ritualistic behavior.
if the elements cannot be carried in everyday life, naturally, without effort, then how can they really be natural?
one can blame the society around oneself, but that is only part of it.
truth is, if it cannot exist within everyday life, if it only exists within the ritualized context,
it is nothing more than a coping mechanizm, a way of escape,
not necessarily a path to revelation.
it can just as readily be a path to bondage.

it has to happen naturally and in it's own time within ones self.
from there it will flow outwards and imprint itself on the hologram, planting the seeds of a reality, of a community which will support it.
but if it does not start at the center, from inside, it is bound to be nothing but a surface change, a surface act, and it will create nothing but inner turmoil, as none of the pieces will ever fit peacefully together.
letting ritual, letting dogma, or preconceived notions of what reality is or should be, control what you allow yourself to experience, and you will miss out on the most wonderous of surprises.
and this is where the richest part of life is.
it is where the deep experiences are.
it is good to be free, to be spontaneous, but we cannot allow that to keep us from experiencing things that take effort as well.
intentionality has both good and bad sides, as do expectations.but with proper communication, dialogue, learning of each other's languages there can be a meeting place.
sometimes an effort has to be made in order for it to happen. it cannot be spontaneous, except in the NOW.
but remember not to be against the fact that one may have to move into the future, into intent in order to facilitate the experiences.
there is as much intent in traveling to a ritualistic setting in order to have an experience as there is in taking a trip to meet a new friend. both have the intention of getting to the setting, and the possibility of the spontaneous happening once one has arrived. and both are colored by a certain amount of expectation about what kind of "stage" the entire experience is going to play out on, as well as who the actors or participants may be.
If EITHER of these reality templates keeps one from being able to experience the spontaneous in the now, the everyday, then it may actually be enslaving the participant. and this most definitely includes rituals which are meant to open one up to the spontaneous just as much as it includes cultural conditioning (which both things are).
it may actually be keeping those moments of freedom from happening outside of the ritualistic setting due to the overprotected safe zone that exists during the ritual.
if it creates barriers, then it is not promoting freedom, it is not promoting liberty, and it is not promoting life.
if it is keeping one from opening up IN THE NOW it could actually be detrimental.
plurality of expression is the key factor to libertarian societies, to truly free societies.
slicing & dicing reality up into what is supposed to be & what is not supposed to be causes more harm than good.
and even the best of us have a tendency to do this.
it is much wiser to look deep into the heart of all things & find the lesson which exists there.
and there are lessons everywhere.
best to look right in front of you because that is where the divine is. right there, brushing your shoulder.
it is just as present in the intentional as in the random.
do not be blind to it or you will miss.
and this is what we all too often do, as our own perceptions of other people's intentions & reactions take over & start determining how to be,how to protect, how to keep from being open, intimate, and free.
possibilities are not determinents.they are not our enemies, something to be fearful of.
wishes & dreams are not set paths.
they are there to guide, to grow & change over time, to adapt and meet the needs of those involved.
and ALL interactions should come from your center, naturally.
if you are letting your mind, your philosophies, your made up stories control youre experiences too much, you are no longer the one in charge. you are letting your "programs" run the show.
remember that all of these things in your mind are nothing but language, tools for your own growth as a being.
listen to that which is inside & all else follows.
and be happy to make mistakes, to stumble, to learn, to hurt, to cry, to be a fool.
only through this are you going to truly find your original face as all of the programs dissolve around you & the veil eventually lifts.
one cannot be at war with their own path, or it will destroy them.
we must always remember that we need to nurture our inner technologies before moving too passionately into outer technologies, especially when attempting to transform cultures or create sub cultures.
as we look back at examples from our past, we all too quickly forget that we do not and cannot live in the world in which they did.
we must create our own way.
free ourselves. learn from the past but not mimic.
we do not need to be carbon copies.
we need to find our own path.
and in order to do so, we have to be open to all of the possibilities.
we have to become intimate with life again.
whatever comes our way

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

pulling inguz

The official version of the New Year is here.
for the first time in years, i got to spend it with a goddess!
My trip to Columbia was an interesting one.
Deep conversations, nice long naps, and maybe the deepest & most important connection i have ever made with another being in my whole life.
I know that i say that every time, but it is true every time, almost evolutionary.
but never, ever have i been so in tune in so many ways, yet so different on so many others.
digesting it all is proving to be quite an endevour.
so much...SO much.
I crave sitting across teh table from her discussing ideas & experiences.
gazing into those beautiful blues as she once again says something so resonant i'd swear it was my own thought.
then next thing she shakes me to the core.
calling me on my shit, making me stand strong.

Once again I am challenged. is my selflessness real? can i really give without expecting anything in return?
how to do this? be this? experience this?
why do i even stress? i was blessed enough to meet her, to have her be willing to open up her world to me, to make the most incredible connection of my life.
coming home to my own apartment, i felt a bit trapped.
going to work this morning, i felt that i'd dropped right back into the program, the same thing i have been doing over & over & over.
this city is quickly becoming a prison.
so many opportunities, both visionary & diversions.
it felt like such a relief to be away from it.
being in such wonderful company made it that much sweeter.
i cannot help but want to be in their presence. they make me feel right about life, they make me feel that it is all worth it.
i'd jump no questions asked.

not sure what to make of it all.
i guess all that can happen is to let it unfold however it does.
trust. patience. being present.
making roadtrips ;)

at the rabbit's birthday party, there was a set of runes out for people to pull from.
my pull was Inguz

Fertility, New Beginnings, Love and Harmony


Birth, love and harmony are all aspects of this rune. Again the idea of birth goes beyond the physical to encompass all new beginnings - the successful completion of another cycle of life.

It signals a fertile period for the mind, body and spirit. A very positive rune.
This symbol cannot be inverted.

considering the way my life has gone the last few years, could i possibly get a better pull than that?

thank you to all that is for such an amazing & fertile weekend.
i promise to nurture these new seeds with as much grace & love as i have.
for i know that they are truly one of the greatest gifts i have ever received.

here's to new movements, new visions, and a wonderful new companion on the path.