Friday, January 13, 2006


Winter can be such a difficult time for so many.
in this time right after the holidays when so many of us tend to be broke & are digesting all of the events that occurred throughout the holidays.
It is especially difficult when on top of that one is trying to build a new life, to get a focus, to figure out exactly what it is which is needed to fulfill the needs of creating that life.
To move?
Not to move?
Where should I be focusing?
Or rather, how can I manage to focus all of these scattered elements into a cohesive whole which will support the life which I want to lead?
What is that life, anyway?
Do I even have a clue?

During times of transition, things can become so muddled, so confusing, that we can lose our sense of who we are.
Confidence falters as we are constantly surrounded by things that remind us of our challenge and the fact that we may not be rising to meet it.
Letting go, trusting life, is not an easy task.
We here in the ‘western” world tend to lean so hard on logic, on the rational.
This can be such a trap!
While it helps work through elements, helps assemble certain things, it also can hinder so many others.
We rationalize things according to abstracted interpretations of the “other”, not really knowing whether or not those assumptions are correct unless we create the proper dialogue. The subtleties get lost. The lessons that are available get buried, lost in the clutter, glanced over.
We fall back onto preconceived notions based on our past experiences, projecting that reality, that “holographic insert” into our present interactions. Judging the new through our experiences of the old, never truly letting it be what it is, in its purity, in its truth.
It is how we have been taught to learn. But it is not the totality of experience.
It is merely one aspect, one small parcel.
To open up to a more holistic knowing, a deepening of possibilities, of understandings, one must step past the rational, not tossing it to the side, but integrating it with the intuitive, with gestalt knowing, the ability to see a bigger picture.
Sometimes it is so difficult to trust our intuition.
I know. I had my confidence in my own shaken to the core a little over a year ago., and it happened at a high point of my trust in it.

But I am recovering & have hope, knowing that when I let go, when I surrender to life that I am always taken care of.
It is just as good to suffer as to feel bliss. Both are needed!
It is this friction that propels us into new growth, into our own beings, into discovering our very core.

So often I question what I am doing, why I am doing it, and if I am doing nothing more than entertaining myself.
But then I remember. I am learning.
I am growing.
I am expanding
I am learning to love

Somehow over the last decade I have managed to move into being at war with myself.
I never used to be that way. Everyone considered me to be one of the easiest going & most relaxed people they knew.
There are those now that still see & experience me in that way, but there are also those who have experienced the other side too.
The heaviness, the depth, the presence of my being that I keep bringing ever increasingly into the nowHere.
It is too much for most. So many are interested in the diversion.
And yes, I get caught up in that too, and sometimes we NEED to!
Otherwise we may go mad!

Life is a proving ground, and I am constantly challenged.
I did not expect the latest one.
It blindsided me in the best of ways.
To have someone that understands, that can have the conversations with me that I have always wanted to have, and to UNDERSTAND!!!!
It is bliss!
I need nothing more than to hear that voice,
The insights, the questions, the critical thinking….

I cannot describe the way the waves wash over me when I hear that voice & those words.
I feel perfectly content about life.
She always says the most beautiful of things, and without effort or meaning to!
It is all so natural that she does not even seem to realize just how amazing & beautiful she actually is!
But then…maybe that is the friction that propels, which creates the new.
The very thing needed for that leap into the next phase, however it manifests for her.
What I do know is that I wish to help foster that new growth.

Knowing she is out there sharing this reality makes me feel at ease.
How dare I ever ask for anything more?
All I find myself wanting to do is give & give & give some more.
The part of what I get out of it does not even cross my mind.
Sure, the fears come in reminding me of the two years dedicated to sweet p that I spent, which ended in such a traumatic way.
But I cannot let that fear control me & my willingness to give, to trust , and to love.
I survived selfless giving before & am all the more a man for it.
It moved me into a depth of being with myself, understanding myself which is absolutely incredible.
And I know that these are only baby steps!
If there is this much incredible experience to be had within a few years time, just imagine looking back ten years from now!
Heck, I do that & holy crap!
Me in the mid-nineties compared to now?
Uh huh. You know what I am talking about.

All I know right now is that I have been given marvelous gifts and I have been frittering them away.
The more I hear about the state of the world, witness the weather, think about that whole 2012 thing & all of the prophecies of all of the various people & cultures & this strange speeding up of everything…
…well, it make me feel so pressed for time, like everything has to happen NOW.
Tomorrow cannot be counted on, it may not ever come.
There is only now.
And that is the place where most of us find it difficult to be.

It is not a matter of not paying heed to the needs of the future.
That is all dependent on exactly what it is you wish to live, how it is you wish to live.
If one looks back at their life, how much of it is really planned?
Did you expect to be where you are right now?
Was it part of some big plan?
for me the answer is a resounding NO!
But I am exactly where I am supposed to be, learning what I need to learn, experiencing what I need to experience.
And so are you.

We cannot really control who or what comes into our live when & where.
Life is chance.
It is dangerous, but that is the way it is!
That is what gives it all of the richness that makes it worth living!

I do not want a boring life.
I do not want an average life.
I want to birth great things into the world, even if that means only touching a few people in very deep ways.
But I know that I can do more than that.
That I WILL do more than that, with no effort, by simply being.
And that right there is the whole challenge.
To simply be, and to freely give that which I have to give.

i have been given the chance to be this, to live this, to walk the walk.
I know I can and will, as the other person involved in this challenge is one which I refuse to ever let down.

To my newest friend & the most challenging and rewarding experience yet
I promise only the best of me.
I will shine like the sun.
I will burn way the cynicism.
And I will bring love in it’s most selfless form.
Thank you for the opportunity.
I truly feel blessed.

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