old fears & insecurities, not believing that i am who i am, that i am a sham...
but knowing i am just being neurotic, just letting the fear of becoming who it is i am naturally meant to be take over.
afraid of my own power.
afraid of not being able to experience those whom i love most.
that everything will be nothing but memories.
staring truth in the eye, i cry.
so many emotions flowing through those tears, from anguish to pure bliss.
I've spent this last year so steeped in the whole enlightenment/mysticism/desirelessness thing and i was amazed to find how quickly and easily it washes away.
once again it is proven that i am not as progressed as i may have wanted to imagine myself to be, but then, every now & then those ego slaps have gotta come like that.
tis the nature of keepin things sane.
When i make an intense connection like the one newly made, i become so devotional.
I see the goddess there right in front of me & I can do nothing but be completely overcome in adoration of her.
My devotional nature asserts itself, and i pledge a spiritual loyalty like no other.
i cannot help it, it is my very nature to be this way.
it is part of the integration, the awakening, the recognition that the divine is everywhere.
since i am currently human, it only makes sense that this devotion somehow manifests towards someone i'd fall in love with.
companionship is a huge part of the human experience, in all its forms.
i crave it, yet somehow never seem to be satisfied with the way it manifests in my life.
i wonder...looking in the wrong places?in the wrong way? not nurturing it enough ?
wanting too much? to have a family? a home? a life with someone, no matter how unconventional?
it seems that i am drawn towards those not yet ready for me. at least not within the last 5 years of my life.
yet somehow i have always managed to open them up, if even just a little.if even just for a moment.
to shine some light, bring some hope.
create some joy.
but my human need for companionship always seems to end up being an issue in some regard & things inevitably seem to get complicated.
i am not an all or nothing guy like i think some tend to believe i am.
intense, yes. willing to leap, to surrender and risk being vulnerable? yep.
all i am ever really trying to birth in myself and in others is healing, growth, expansion, and awareness, happiness.
maybe call me an all or whatever you feel comfortable with kinda guy. ;^)
so many are not ready for love. LOVE. the real shit. the cosmic connection.
the oneness of all things.
afraid to be intimate, vulnerable.
afraid of hurting.
afraid of mistakes, of not being able to reconcile them.
but most of these fears are unfounded.
they are products of our illusions, or delusions, really; our misconceptions about how life works out, and whether or not life takes care of us.
it does take care of us if we surrender to it. if we have faith in it.
but even many of those who try to do that only change the scenery, creating new stories & rituals and such that allow for a different illusion, whether it be religion, science, utilizing sacred space & "indigenous cultural values".
but rarely do any of these thing come from the center.
rarely are they authentic. rather, they are postmodern cut & paste realities pulled from sometimes overly starry-eyed dreamers. and i said DREAMERS, not VISIONARIES and there is a tremendous difference.
there are always a few visionaries involved, but only on the fringes, in the gaps where most do not notice at first.
i am sometimes troubled by ritual and have been for a long time.
many will lambast the rituals of the christian church or other "official" religions but then participate in their own rituals & think that there is some sort of actual core difference.
dogma is dogma. period. the intention may be different, but the hardware running the show is the same.
as marshal mccluhan would say, "The medium IS the message."
and ritual goes right down to that core reptilian brain, the shit that is all basic & about survival, emotionless, cold. to the core materialist program.
the rituals of authentic, precivilised tribes i would believe for the most part to be a natural outpouring of expression between themselves & life/planet.
huge organized events that create ritualized settings are abstracted mental spaces that are intentionally created. they are MARKETED. one must remain intensely critical of such gatherings. who organized it? who is feeding off of the energy which is being produced? what are the motives? who's message are you opening yourself up to?
these events are an outpouring of civilized people that are a product of the very culture which many of them rail against, not realizing, or ignoring that they would not be who they are or have the tools that they already do if it was not for the very culture which gave them birth. (even though it was the same culture which destroyed most of the esoteric knowledge of the world, it is also the one that collected this knowledge and has created the tools which so many of todays neopagans & alternative community folks rely on)
the argument for ritualized settings always seems to be that it gives those involved the tools to take home to spread whatever energy or intention is involved or desired.
this is true TO AN EXTENT.
the problem is that ritual works psychologically AGAINST integration as it separates those very elements from everyday life & can subconsciously convince the participants that a certain setting & set of rules is needed in order to fulfill the needs of the ritualistic behavior.
if the elements cannot be carried in everyday life, naturally, without effort, then how can they really be natural?
one can blame the society around oneself, but that is only part of it.
truth is, if it cannot exist within everyday life, if it only exists within the ritualized context,
it is nothing more than a coping mechanizm, a way of escape,
not necessarily a path to revelation.
it can just as readily be a path to bondage.
it has to happen naturally and in it's own time within ones self.
from there it will flow outwards and imprint itself on the hologram, planting the seeds of a reality, of a community which will support it.
but if it does not start at the center, from inside, it is bound to be nothing but a surface change, a surface act, and it will create nothing but inner turmoil, as none of the pieces will ever fit peacefully together.
letting ritual, letting dogma, or preconceived notions of what reality is or should be, control what you allow yourself to experience, and you will miss out on the most wonderous of surprises.
and this is where the richest part of life is.
it is where the deep experiences are.
it is good to be free, to be spontaneous, but we cannot allow that to keep us from experiencing things that take effort as well.
intentionality has both good and bad sides, as do expectations.but with proper communication, dialogue, learning of each other's languages there can be a meeting place.
sometimes an effort has to be made in order for it to happen. it cannot be spontaneous, except in the NOW.
but remember not to be against the fact that one may have to move into the future, into intent in order to facilitate the experiences.
there is as much intent in traveling to a ritualistic setting in order to have an experience as there is in taking a trip to meet a new friend. both have the intention of getting to the setting, and the possibility of the spontaneous happening once one has arrived. and both are colored by a certain amount of expectation about what kind of "stage" the entire experience is going to play out on, as well as who the actors or participants may be.
If EITHER of these reality templates keeps one from being able to experience the spontaneous in the now, the everyday, then it may actually be enslaving the participant. and this most definitely includes rituals which are meant to open one up to the spontaneous just as much as it includes cultural conditioning (which both things are).
it may actually be keeping those moments of freedom from happening outside of the ritualistic setting due to the overprotected safe zone that exists during the ritual.
if it creates barriers, then it is not promoting freedom, it is not promoting liberty, and it is not promoting life.
if it is keeping one from opening up IN THE NOW it could actually be detrimental.
plurality of expression is the key factor to libertarian societies, to truly free societies.
slicing & dicing reality up into what is supposed to be & what is not supposed to be causes more harm than good.
and even the best of us have a tendency to do this.
it is much wiser to look deep into the heart of all things & find the lesson which exists there.
and there are lessons everywhere.
best to look right in front of you because that is where the divine is. right there, brushing your shoulder.
it is just as present in the intentional as in the random.
do not be blind to it or you will miss.
and this is what we all too often do, as our own perceptions of other people's intentions & reactions take over & start determining how to be,how to protect, how to keep from being open, intimate, and free.
possibilities are not determinents.they are not our enemies, something to be fearful of.
wishes & dreams are not set paths.
they are there to guide, to grow & change over time, to adapt and meet the needs of those involved.
and ALL interactions should come from your center, naturally.
if you are letting your mind, your philosophies, your made up stories control youre experiences too much, you are no longer the one in charge. you are letting your "programs" run the show.
remember that all of these things in your mind are nothing but language, tools for your own growth as a being.
listen to that which is inside & all else follows.
and be happy to make mistakes, to stumble, to learn, to hurt, to cry, to be a fool.
only through this are you going to truly find your original face as all of the programs dissolve around you & the veil eventually lifts.
one cannot be at war with their own path, or it will destroy them.
we must always remember that we need to nurture our inner technologies before moving too passionately into outer technologies, especially when attempting to transform cultures or create sub cultures.
as we look back at examples from our past, we all too quickly forget that we do not and cannot live in the world in which they did.
we must create our own way.
free ourselves. learn from the past but not mimic.
we do not need to be carbon copies.
we need to find our own path.
and in order to do so, we have to be open to all of the possibilities.
we have to become intimate with life again.
whatever comes our way