Thursday, September 28, 2006

steamroller wheels a' turnin'

Well, the city of Chicago finally decided to re"pave" the alley at work.
It has been resurfaced at least 3 times since i started working there and they do a shitty job every time.
Once again they left a nice little trench right along our building for water to gather in & flow right into our basement.
I do not really understand why they believe that asphalt is going to stand up to the rigors of daily delivery truck traffic, the slamming down of load/unload ramps and dumpsters galore.
but that is the way they roll...
the drainage has always been a problem.
there used to be a small trench cut the length of the alley that led to teh stormdrain at the end.
Those were the good days.
Hold i reminiscing about better days in the alley behind work?
That's just wrong.
But i did always make sure that tranch was clear of debris.

This morning, the trip to work was a mess.
I guess there were 2 separate problems on the Brown Line el this morning.
The first, wich effected my trip to work, was a power outage - or at least that is what is reported.
Later, there was a woman who jumped in front of one of the trains.
Maybe it was really only the one incident and then the story got covered all strangely, I am not quite sure.
Too lazy to go look for news links right now.

I ended up getting off of the train a few stops south of home and walked back to get my bike and ride to work.
It was a nice change of pace and i got to try out my new bike on a longer ride.
i have GOT to transfer my toeclips and fenders onto that thing. I missed the clips a lot today. Especially when I hit the headwind.

Out tonite to see my friend Ami G play out.
have not seen her in a long time. should be fun.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Killing People is Rude

Killing People is Rude, originally uploaded by intuitive cat.
Nuff Said

day 11 of 365

day 11 of 365
Originally uploaded by intuitive cat.
I seem to be going with the ebb and flow of things pretty well these days.
Keeping myself busy and creative.
Surprised that phorography has grabbed me for now.
but what can ya do?
It's all i can do to not spend hours in front of Photoshop working on images.

I'm looking forward to a few possible autumn roadtrips.
Wondering who time will be spent with as everything shifts around a little bit more.

Wishing I could quit my job and dive headfirst into projects galore.
Feeling a need for more time outside.
More nature.
More green.
I manage to find a few spots here and there around the city.
Marta has been helpin out in that regard too.
Our recent trip up to a Nature preserve in Crystal Lake was a blast.
We even got to sit in the woods through a downpour.
Then layed out on some picnic tables basking in the sun.
kinda wish i was in Bimini with her swimming with the wild dophins right about now....
but what can ya do?

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

day 10 of 365

day 10 of 365
Originally uploaded by intuitive cat.
It was an amazingly beautiful day today.
Went out wandering this afternoon, needing to be in the sun.
Headed west over to Albany Park just to lay out on the grass and soak up some sun for awhile.
Then headed up California Ave. til i reached the park and Nature Trail at Lawerence.
I was hoping for more graffiti finds, but was astonished at how many great photos i managed to take.
I had forgotten how much i love the random finds as well as the act of simply being observant.
I can see how it could become a meditative thing.
It definitely helps bring one to awareness, being in the now.
I also found a bike today abandoned by the woods.
I left it there for hours waiting to see if anyone would claim it even searching through the woods to see if perchance it belonged to a fisherman/woman or someone else wandering around in there.
But alas, no one to be found.
and the bike is exactly my size.
the one i have been riding for the last 5 years is actually a bit big for me, and I have always felt that the geometry was all outa whack for my body.
It was simply not comfortable to ride.
But this bike, riding it around this evening i was like "Oh yeah! This is what it is supposed to feel like to ride a bike! This is fun!"
click on the photo above or the flickr thingy to the right to see my pics from the day.

Friday, September 22, 2006

day 6 of 365

day 6 of 365
Originally uploaded by intuitive cat.
loving this project.
it is such an interesting time right now.
i feel on the verge of somany great things
i know they are happening
i can see them in the corners of my vision.
i will things manifest?
so much love, but always a step in way in the one way i am craving the most. companionship.
but it's all good.
the love i am enveloped in is warm and inspiring.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

fire heart

fire, originally uploaded by intuitive cat.
surrounded by silence
i am brought back home
to the me that is not me
the play that was not played
sannyas calls yet again.

i hear my wordless name upon the wind
whispering to me

"let go and ride the breeze.
we will dance until the day we settle
back into the earth
and give our bodies
to tomorrows trees."

in the words of the Muadib

"It is time for the Dreamer To Awaken!"

but that is just the beginning,
the foundation.
one must also listen
to his son Leto

"Follow the Golden Path"

free from fate
choosing destiny
no longer a slave
wearing our new robes
of response-ability

the new human rises
dissolving obsolete programs
rising above primal brain circuitry
moving into awareness

there is no battle,
no war
but the war between
control and trust.
represented in flesh
by the priest and the mystic

yet even those who are against existence
cannot live without it.
they just go on creating
hell on earth
as they project
on even the most innocent.

discover and cultivate
your sweetest fragrance
and let it waft thru the air
caressing all you meet.

the blooming flower in the desert
inspiring all to celebrate
and recognize
the Gift of all gifts:

Monday, September 18, 2006

day 2 of the 365 day self portrait project

I've spent the last couple of years feeding all of this information into myself.
techniques of self realization, enlightenment.
asking what it means,which brand of enlightenment is which?
what exactly are these strange experiments of mystics which are meant to set us free from all of the programming which has been imprinted on us since birth?
I have spent so much time analyzing, grokking these things that i have forgotten to partake in the gifts they bring.
I have not shed the junk.
it is still clogging my system.
it brings fears. idiotic ones.
the kind that stop me in my tracks for no rational reason whatsoever.
allowing past patterns to be projected forward to a place where they do not belong.
all i can do is ask for understanding and compassion from those who have to bare the fruits of these dis-eases inside of me.
no matter how open or expansive i want to be, i have been getting gummed up.
one minute it is there, the next it is gone, and i revert to a less developed, less aware state.
all i want to do is love.
people project their own ideas of love and relating.
it cannot be helped.
this is why we must all develop our communication ability.
the only way in an ever changing world to be dancing gracefully is to be able to have that communication, to let it flow.
there is an element of trust involved that many are not ready for.
so many of us bare wounds which we almost get addicted to licking.
we won't leave them alone, wearing them like badges.
we call ourselves rebels, free beings, yet continue to build walls around ourselves in order to protect us from our fears of loss, of rejection, of suffering.
not trusting the other to want to play fairly or respectfully.
and without a dialogue this is going to be the case due to the expectation of it being so.
those same walls keep out the deepest of experiences.
the kind we can look back on years from now and laugh.
thinking it silly how afraid we were going into the situation.

we can either cringe at ourselves or accept our own ugliness and work with it, refining, transmutiing,
while loving, accepting the process, the mistakes, the foolishness and embarassing moments.
i cannot help but be a fool. over and over.
some would say that the one who jumps fast, who is willing to leap is the weaker,
the one who is mistaken, the one who does not have the strength.
the foolish one. taking unnecessary risks.
but i beg to differ.
it is only those who are willing to jump which will fly.
you must risk to gain.
i lose nothing. even the suffering is a gain.
i gain experience, wisdom, and the blessing of interacting with divine beings
(yeah, every one of you!).
it is only in desire, in expectations in wanting the other to meet my definition in which the problems and suffering arise.
and how can any of those things be anything but illusions unless there is a deep empathy and understanding of the other?
everyone is practicing, experimenting, learning.
judging ain't gonna help.
guiding people to their own truths will.
we all get to dance together.
and there are many dances,
close intimate ones with partners, synchronized ones with groups, and expressive explosions of the individual.
aesthetics. each providing it's own language and dimension of experience and possibilities.

The time has come for me to dive deeper.
i have GOT to get this junk outa here before it strangles me.
i've been my worst enemy long enough.
i'm tired of excuses.

i need to learn to stand strong in front of the goddess and recognize my own godliness.
and own it.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

day 1 of the 365 day self portrait project

I will be taking a good look at myself over the next year.
much healing to be had.
growing up overweight left deep body image scars.
thanks to Danielle for turnin me onto this project.
should be an interesting journey.
self reflection.
it's quite an interesting thing.

Naqoyqatsi - alternative soundtrack mix finally done!

just posted a new dj mix which while not originally intended to be, ended up being sync'd to go along with the movie Naqoyqatsi, the third movie of the Koyanisqaatsi trilogy.
I've made both 128 and 320kbps versions available.
you can download them with these links:
Mechanized Mentalities 128kbps version . 77.2MB
Mechanized Mentalities 320kbps version . 192.8MB
the mix ranges from in your face to tongue in cheek and back again.
considering the subject matter of the movie I think i managed to create a pretty well balanced mix that remains playful in its intensity.
the playlist is in the graphic below
so, download the mix, rent or buy the movie, sync 'em up and enjoy!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Subjective and Objective Art

Osho's take on art is something that i know a lot of artists are not ready to face.
For many creative folks, they are so used to the art being born of friction and pain that they cannot imagine any other way of doing it, so they remain in unhealthy realities and fixations so that they have a constant nourishment for their creativity.
they fail to recognize that there is another more lifegiving kind of nourishment available.
life is not all suffering. and our fixation on that suffering does nothing but reinforce it.
that is what the "bhagwan" had to say:

Insight on Art by Osho

There are two types of creators in the world: one type of creator works with objects - a poet, a painter, they work with objects, they create things; the other type of creator, the mystic, creates himself, he works with the subject; he works on himself, his own being. And he is the real creator, the real poet, because he makes himself into a masterpiece.

The subjective art means you are pouring your subjectivity onto the canvas,
your dreams, your imaginations, your fantasies.
It is a projection of your psychology.
The same happens in poetry, in music, in all dimensions of creativity -
you are not concerned with the person who is going to see your painting,
not concerned what will happen to him when he looks at it;
that is not your concern at all.
Your art is simply a kind of vomiting.
It will help you, just the way vomiting helps.
It takes the nausea away, it makes you cleaner, makes you feel healthier.
But you have not considered what is going to happen to the person who is going to see your vomit.
He will become nauseous.
He may start feeling sick.

Look at the paintings of Picasso. He is a great painter, but just a subjective artist.
Looking at his paintings, you will start feeling sick, dizzy, something going berserk in your mind.
You cannot go on looking at Picasso's painting for long.
You would like to get away, because the painting has not come from a silent being.
It has come from a chaos.
It is a byproduct of a nightmare.
But ninety-nine percent of art belongs to that category.

Objective art is just the opposite.
The man has nothing to throw out, he is utterly empty, absolutely clean.
Out of this silence, out of this emptiness arises love, compassion.
And out of this silence arises a possibility for creativity.
This silence, this love, this compassion - these are the qualities of meditation.

Meditation brings you to your very center.
And your center is not only your center, it is the center of the whole existence.
Only on the periphery we are different.
As we start moving toward the center, we are one.
We are part of eternity, a tremendously luminous experience of ecstasy that is beyond words.
Something that you can be... but very difficult to express it.
But a great desire arises in you to share it, because all other people around you are groping for exactly such experiences.
And you have it, you know the path.

And these people are searching everywhere except within themselves - where it is!
You would like to shout in their ears.
You would like to shake them and tell them, "Open your eyes! Where are you going? Wherever you go, you go away from yourself.
Come back home, and come as deep into yourself as possible."

This desire to share becomes creativity.
Somebody can dance.
There have been mystics - for example, Jalaluddin Rumi - whose teaching was not in words, whose teaching was in dance.
He will dance.
His disciples will be sitting by his side, and he will tell them, "Anybody who feels like joining me can join.
It is a question of feeling.
If you don't feel like, it is up to you.
You can simply sit and watch."

But when you see a man like Jalaluddin Rumi dancing, something dormant in you becomes active.
In spite of yourself you find you have joined the dance.
You are already dancing before you become aware that you have joined it.

Even this experience is of tremendous value, that you have been pulled like a magnetic force.
It has not been your mind decision, you have not weighed for pro and for against, to join or not to join, no.
Just the beauty of Rumi's dance, his spreading energy, has taken possession of you.
You are being touched.
This dance is objective art.

And if you can continue - and slowly you will become more and more unembarrassed, more and more capable - soon you will forget the whole world.
A moment comes, the dancer disappears and only the dance remains.

. . .. ... ..... ........ .............

Is it ever possible to paint a totally satisfying painting?
Osho - The Book of Wisdom, Discourse 20

WHILE PAINTING, EACH MOMENT can be totally satisfying. But once the painting is complete it can never be totally satisfying, because if it is totally satisfying the painter will have to commit suicide. There will be no need to live any more.

That's why I say life is longing, pure longing -- longing to attain higher and higher peaks, longing to go deeper and deeper into existence. But each moment can be utterly satisfying; that difference has to be remembered. When you are painting, each brush, each color that you throw on the canvas, each moment of it, is totally satisfying. There is nothing more to it. You are utterly lost, possessed, if you are a creator.

If you are only a technician then it is not so. The technician is not lost while he is painting, he is separate from his painting. He is just using his knowledge. He knows how to paint, that's all. There is nothing in his heart to paint -- no vision, no poetry, no song. He has nothing to create, but just the technology. He is a technician, not an artist. He can paint -- but while painting it is not meditation for him, it is not a love affair for him. He is doing it; he is a doer, separate. But the creator is not separate while he is creating, he is one with it. He is utterly lost, he has forgotten himself.

That's why when painters are painting they forget about food, forget about thirst, forget about sleep. They forget about the body so much that they can go on painting for eighteen hours without feeling at all tired. Each moment is absolutely satisfying.

But once the painting is complete, a great sadness descends on the real painter. These differences have to be remembered. When the painting is complete, the technician feels very happy: a good job done, finished. He is feeling tired; it was a long tiring process, no contentment on the way. He was just waiting for the result, he was result-oriented. He wanted to finish it somehow, and now it is finished. He takes a deep sigh of relief. He is happy, not while he is painting but only when the painting is complete.

Just the opposite happens to the creator. He is happy while he is painting; once the painting is complete, a great sadness descends on him. "So it is over? That peak, that climax, that orgasmic experience is over? That thrill, that adventure, that going into the unknown is over?" ... just as lovers feel sad after a deep orgasm: a subtle sadness, beautiful in itself, of tremendous value -- far more valuable than the happiness of the technician, because out of this sadness another painting will arise, out of this sadness another longing to soar high, another aspiration to reach beyond, another search, another inquiry, another pregnancy. The painter will be pregnant soon, will feel full, so full that he will have to share it again.

It is said that when Gibbon, the great historian, finished his great work about world history.... Thirty-three years it took to finish it, and he was so tremendously happy for those thirty-three years that it is said that he didn't age. He remained exactly the same, as if time never passed, as if time has stopped.

But the day it was finished he started crying. His wife could not believe it. She said, "You are crying? You should be happy, you should dance! The work is complete."

Gibbon said, "The work is complete. Now what is left for me? My life is complete." And within five years he aged so much, and by the seventh year he was gone.

IT IS SAID that Vincent van Gogh, the great Dutch painter, committed suicide when he felt that he had done the perfect painting. It is possible. If the painter feels the perfect has happened, then there is no point in living. The creator lives to create. The singer lives to sing, the dancer lives to dance, the lover lives to love, the tree lives to bloom -- if it has bloomed and the perfect flowers have come, then what is the point of prolonging a futile, meaningless existence?

Your question is significant. You ask: "Is it possible to paint a totally satisfying painting?"

Yes and no. Yes, while you are painting it will be totally satisfying. And no, once it is over you will feel great sadness. But that sadness is also creative, because it is only out of that sadness you will again start moving towards the sunlit peaks.

And in this life nothing really is ever perfect or can ever be perfect.

You will be surprised that I believe in an imperfect God. You will be shocked, because at least all the religions are agreed on one thing, that God is perfect. I don't agree, because if God is perfect then Friedrich Nietzsche is right that God is dead. God is perfectly imperfect -- that much I can say. Hence there is growth, evolution; hence there is movement. It is always, always coming closer and closer to perfection, but it is never perfect and it will never be perfect.

Nothing ever is perfect. In fact imperfection has a beauty of its own, because imperfection has a life. Whenever something is perfect -- just think, contemplate -- whenever something is really perfect, life will disappear from it.

Life can exist only if something is still imperfect and has to be perfected. Life is the effort to perfect the imperfect. Life is the ambition to make the ugly beautiful. Something of imperfection is a must for life to exist, for life to go on growing and flowing.

Nothing ever is perfect. Or if something any time happens to be perfect, in the East we have a right vision of it. We say whenever a person becomes perfect, that is his last life. The scriptures give different reasons for it; my reason is totally different. I say yes, when Buddha is perfect he will not come back, because perfection means life is no more possible. He will disappear into the cosmos.

RABINDRANATH, a great Indian poet and mystic, prayed his last prayer to God: "Send me back. Remember, I am not perfect. Send me back. Your world was too beautiful and you gave me such a precious life. And I don't want to disappear yet: I have yet to sing many songs, I have yet to paint many paintings, there is yet much in my heart which needs to bloom. Send me back, I am not perfect! Send me back."

That was his last prayer; he died praying this way. It is one of the most beautiful prayers and one of the most beautiful ways to die. How can one thank God more than this? "Your world was beautiful, I loved your world; I was not worthy of it but you made me. I am not worthy to be sent back, but still, your compassion is great. At least one time more, send me back."

LIFE KEEPS GROWING. Nothing ever is perfect -- or whenever something is perfect it disappears, it goes into annihilation. The Buddhist word is nirvana. Nirvana means annihilation, nirvana means cessation. Literally, nirvana means "blowing out the candle." Just as you blow out a candle and suddenly the light is gone, gone forever, has disappeared into nothingness -- that is nirvana. All the buddhas say whosoever becomes perfect moves into nirvana, goes into annihilation.

Don't hanker for a perfect painting, otherwise the painter will die. And you have yet to sing many songs.

And the painting cannot be perfect, the song and the dance cannot be perfect, for a few more reasons. One: when you visualize it in the deepest core of your heart, it is a totally different thing. When you start painting it, you are translating it from the subtle to the gross. In that very transforming, in that very translation, much is lost.

Hence no painter ever feels satisfied when he finishes his painting. It is not the same as that which he wanted to paint -- similar, but not the same. He has some vision to compare, it has fallen very short. Hence he starts another painting.

RABINDRANATH again has to be remembered. He wrote six thousand songs -- seems to be the greatest poet the world has ever known -- and each song is a beauty. But when he was dying he was crying, he was saying to God, "The song that I wanted to sing, I have not sung yet."

An old friend was by the side of the bed, and the old friend said, "What are you saying? Have you gone mad? You have sung six thousand songs. In Europe, Shelley is thought to be one of the greatest poets. He has sung only two thousand songs. You have defeated him three times. You should be happy and contented!"

Rabindranath opened his tear-filled eyes and he said, "I am not. Yes, six thousand songs I have sung, but you don't know the inner story. The inner story is, I wanted to sing only one song! But because it never was possible.... I tried once, failed; I tried again, I failed. Six thousand times I have failed. Those are all efforts, and I am not satisfied with any of them. That which I wanted to sing is still unsung."

In fact nobody can sing it.

Buddha used to declare in every town, wherever he would go, "Please don't ask these eleven questions." In those eleven questions, all important questions were included: God, soul, death, life, truth, everything important was included. Why? "Because," he would say, "they cannot be answered. Not that I don't know, but to bring them to words is impossible."

There was an ancient mysterious wall which stood at the edge of a village and whenever anyone climbed the wall to look onto the other side, instead of coming back he smiled and jumped to the other side, never to return. The inhabitants of the village became curious as to what could draw these beings to the other side of the wall. After all, their village had all the necessities of living a comfortable life.

They made an arrangement where they tied a person's feet, so when he looked over and wished to jump, they could pull him back.

The next time someone tried to climb the wall to see what was on the other side, they chained his feet so he could not go over. He looked on the other side and was delighted at what he saw, and smiled. Those standing below grew curious to question him and pulled him back. To their great disappointment he had lost the power of speech.

THOSE WHO HAVE SEEN cannot say. That which has been seen cannot be painted, cannot be reduced to words. But still each one has to give a try. The world goes on becoming more and more beautiful because of these efforts. The world is beautiful because of the six thousand songs that Rabindranath tried, although he failed to sing the song that he wanted. Those six thousand failures have made the world far more beautiful than it ever was. It will not be the same world again, those six thousand songs will go on resonating.

So go on painting, go on creating. Yet I tell you again and again, you will never be satisfied. I bless you that you should never be satisfied, but let each moment of your creativity be a great contentment. But when something is finished, move ahead. You have infinite capacities to create; you are unlimited, you don't have any limits to your potential. You are not aware what you can do, and you will never be aware unless you do it!

Hence the greatest creators are aware how poor has been their creation, because they become aware, more and more aware, how much more is possible. The ordinary person who has never created anything is not aware what he can do. There is no other way to know what you can do unless you do it. And while doing it you can see that what you wanted to do, what was very clear in your inner world, has become very dim and ordinary when it has been brought to the outer.

You will try again. Each effort will become better and better and better, more and more perfect, but never perfect.

. . .. ... ..... ........ .............

now that is good medicine to me.
i think i need to loosen up o that need to prefect things and start letting them go to be shared more readily.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Thank the Goddess

I think that this past wednesday something happened.
and i have the most intriguing and inspiring woman i have met yet to thank for it.

The very quality and vibration of my being seems to have transformed.
a huge leap on the journey.
energy which was stuck is now flowing freely.
something shining, luminous, radiant being born.
clarity coming more and more.

at moments, i find myself desirous of more time in her presence.
a craving.
not hunger.
not neediness.
a desire to share
to support
to hold
to uplift
to laugh
to love

A spark has been lit under my ass and i find my creativity overflowing.

people are even looking at me a little bit strangely on the street.
i wonder, is it because they are not used to seeing someone who is at peace?
who is at ease?

i know that i will not spend 911 in the trance of terror,
but rather in the arms of Tara (enlightened compassion)

resistance is sloughing off of me as i move into the vibration of creation.

No desire to own, to control, to demand.
simply seeking resonance, sharing, co-creation.

It is always blissful to connect with fellow seekers.
When that seeker happens to be a super hot goddess
who is able to keep up with my crazy-talk it is almost overwhelming!

To have simply shared energies for a moment is enough.
yet how can i not wish for more of such a divine nectar?

not to mention that i am tickled by the fact
that the song Dumuzi sang to Inanna keeps coming to mind.

Saturday, September 02, 2006

I love the poetry of Hafiz

In a Tree House

Will someday split you open
Even if your life is now a cage,

For a divine seed, the crown of destiny,
Is hidden and sown on an ancient fertile plain
You hold the title to.

love will surely bust you wide open
Into an unfettered, blooming new galaxy

Even if your mind is now
A spoiled mule.

A life giving radiance will come,
The Friend's gratuity will come -

O look again within yourself,
For I know you were once the elegant host
To all the marvels in creation.

From a sacred crevice in your body
A bow rises each night
And shoots your soul into God.

Behold the Beautiful Drunk Singing One
From the lunar vantage point of love.

He is conducting the affairs
Of the whole universe

While throwing wild parties
In a tree house - on a limb
In your heart.