Monday, September 18, 2006

day 2 of the 365 day self portrait project

I've spent the last couple of years feeding all of this information into myself.
techniques of self realization, enlightenment.
asking what it means,which brand of enlightenment is which?
what exactly are these strange experiments of mystics which are meant to set us free from all of the programming which has been imprinted on us since birth?
I have spent so much time analyzing, grokking these things that i have forgotten to partake in the gifts they bring.
I have not shed the junk.
it is still clogging my system.
it brings fears. idiotic ones.
the kind that stop me in my tracks for no rational reason whatsoever.
allowing past patterns to be projected forward to a place where they do not belong.
all i can do is ask for understanding and compassion from those who have to bare the fruits of these dis-eases inside of me.
no matter how open or expansive i want to be, i have been getting gummed up.
one minute it is there, the next it is gone, and i revert to a less developed, less aware state.
all i want to do is love.
people project their own ideas of love and relating.
it cannot be helped.
this is why we must all develop our communication ability.
the only way in an ever changing world to be dancing gracefully is to be able to have that communication, to let it flow.
there is an element of trust involved that many are not ready for.
so many of us bare wounds which we almost get addicted to licking.
we won't leave them alone, wearing them like badges.
we call ourselves rebels, free beings, yet continue to build walls around ourselves in order to protect us from our fears of loss, of rejection, of suffering.
not trusting the other to want to play fairly or respectfully.
and without a dialogue this is going to be the case due to the expectation of it being so.
those same walls keep out the deepest of experiences.
the kind we can look back on years from now and laugh.
thinking it silly how afraid we were going into the situation.

we can either cringe at ourselves or accept our own ugliness and work with it, refining, transmutiing,
while loving, accepting the process, the mistakes, the foolishness and embarassing moments.
i cannot help but be a fool. over and over.
some would say that the one who jumps fast, who is willing to leap is the weaker,
the one who is mistaken, the one who does not have the strength.
the foolish one. taking unnecessary risks.
but i beg to differ.
it is only those who are willing to jump which will fly.
you must risk to gain.
i lose nothing. even the suffering is a gain.
i gain experience, wisdom, and the blessing of interacting with divine beings
(yeah, every one of you!).
it is only in desire, in expectations in wanting the other to meet my definition in which the problems and suffering arise.
and how can any of those things be anything but illusions unless there is a deep empathy and understanding of the other?
everyone is practicing, experimenting, learning.
judging ain't gonna help.
guiding people to their own truths will.
we all get to dance together.
and there are many dances,
close intimate ones with partners, synchronized ones with groups, and expressive explosions of the individual.
aesthetics. each providing it's own language and dimension of experience and possibilities.

The time has come for me to dive deeper.
i have GOT to get this junk outa here before it strangles me.
i've been my worst enemy long enough.
i'm tired of excuses.

i need to learn to stand strong in front of the goddess and recognize my own godliness.
and own it.

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