My experience throughout my life has been one that lends to frustration.
It is the cosmic joke in my life.
So many women love me so deeply.
Such incredibly deep connections.
Yet they will not cross into the zone of physical intimacy with me.
I ask, “why?”
Am I too intense?
Is it simply not the way I am supposed to be living?
Not once has it been said that it is an issue of attraction.
Almost every time, the attraction is there, but for some reason, it is not allowed to be expressed.
Brings me back once again to the concept of Brahmacharya.
Moving beyond sexuality and purely into the spiritual.
Dropping sex altogether.
Being an aries with major fire and an intense sensuality and romantic, devotional nature, it seems and feels absurd to even think about moving in that direction.
In one of the early and seminal books by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, titled “From Sex to Samadhi” he talks about the ladder.
How if we do not climb those first rungs…the rungs of the “lower” chakras, we cannot expect to be properly grounded in the higher ones.
To skip them is to in many ways not build a correct or stable foundation.
Sexuality is not to be looked at as crass, as something undeserving or wrong, animalistic and in the way or corrupting of spirituality.
Rather, it is to be seen as a possible gateway, a chance for transformation, for learning, for intimacy and the combining of the higher and lower.
He also states how at some point it is likely to be dropped, not needed anymore.
What happens to those of us that have already moved into the upper but never got a chance to properly deal with our sexuality due to childhood programs that managed to run well into adulthood?
I myself, have come face to face with the ugliness of misguided sexuality on many occasions in my life, and very very rarely did I ever participate.
I think of the chances for casual sex back in high school, the times that I was right there, being begged for it, yet I refused, because I did not feel that it was healthy or natural.
They were not women whom I wanted to allow my energies to mingle so closely with. The intention was escape, not a coming together.
It was not the way in which I wanted to share myself with that particular person at that time. There was not the level of connection, of meaning, which I find necessary in ANY endevour I participate in.
Somehow, it seems like in the reaction to backwards hamfisted rules about sexuality brought forth by dominator religions born in the middle east (the judeo-christian-islamic triad) many go in a meaningless direction instead of seeking a deeper truth about the role of sex and sexuality.
It seem to be only in some eastern traditions such as tantra (which is mistaken to be nothing but a sexual thing when it is in actuality a complete life philosophy that happens to include a healthy relationship with sex) and some western mystical and magical traditions that the legacy of a healthy relationship and a deep understanding of the energetics behind the ecstatic experience have survived and flourished.
They are only recently coming back into the mainstream mindset, and can really be a disruptive force for many.
In an age where meaningless animalistic sex is rampant, porn flourishes, it is not surprising that life itself is becoming more and more crass and meaningless.
Understand this – porn is not representative of the freeing up of sexuality. It is rather the debasing of it. Making it meaningless. It is an entropic and enslaving function.
Leftists and liberals need to understand that an opposite reaction to a stupid original notion does not make it healthy or right. It is nothing but a childish reaction.
And most importantly, hedonism without awareness or depth is entropic in nature, as it feeds on the suffering of others so that a few can live a life of escapism.
There is nothing wrong with a pleasurable life, with hedonism itself, but rather in the way it is approached and the qualities brought to it.
It is the same with all things both internal and external.
To quote from a book I once read but can’t remember the name of right now;
“How we fuck is how we create the world.”
Here is a brief primer on the energetics of ecstacy and sex.
We are all conduits. We birth energy and intention into the world with our every thought and belief.
When we are in ecstatic states, we become hyper tuned, so to speak.
Our channels open up wider, we have more of an influence on the energies in the world.
This is probably the MAIN reason why we are kept in fear, in suffering, and in a state of being terrorized.
If we are free from the fear and understand our own ability to influence the world around us directly, we become powerful and no longer need those who wish to control us through culture and belief systems to tell us what is what, or to provide for us the things which we have the ability to provide for ourselves and our communities.
When we come to an understanding that our every thought and action influences the world around us indirectly through the energy and intention we create with our beliefs, we have to wear our own responsibility.
Many are simply not ready for this.
And the implications are staggering.
If what quantum theorists posit to be true actually is, if we really have that much influence on reality simply through our beliefs and perception, then one must begin to question even the right to privacy in personal beliefs. Because if this influence is true, nothing is private, as we all directly effect everything and most importantly everyone around us.
When it comes to the ecstatic experience, or the orgasmic experience, and we are opened up so wide to the cosmos, to “god”, we then have to be doubly responsible.
If we bring selfishness or debased meaninglessness into the equation, we bring more of that into the world. If we bring love and prosperity, a sharing, a giving and loving attitude and intention into the mix, we birth more beauty into the world.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the majority of the human world’s problems are not caused by politics or religion directly, but rather indirectly, by influencing unhealthy, uncentered ecstatic activity.
Getting off as an escape brings nothing but less awareness, a deadness.
It is but a temporary jolt of pleasure.
This does not mean that it is not a starting point, but rather I would suggest that one move deeper.
It makes no sense to me that so many prefer sexual partners whom they do not know rather than those they love the most.
It seems to me that one would want to share the deepest of possible intimacies with one they love dearly, which they are forming a deep loving bond with.
But so many are confused about this.
And then they wonder why satisfaction never comes in their sexual relationships, why they are always at odds and fighting some unseen frustration.
Some psychologists and humanists would argue that sexuality is strictly an animal function, a way of people bonding in communities, finding their spot in the hierarchy. But I would say that they are not recognizing that their view is totally informed by the religious history of the west and by using the example of less evolved species in order to inform our own actions, which is not an evolutionary standpoint or view, but an entropic one. Looking at previous, supposedly less advanced examples to inform the future is like driving with the rearview mirror. It is obnoxiously ignorant and shortsighted.
If evolution is truly the case, then we should never be worshiping our elders, as it is the next generation which is ALWAYS more capable than the previous.
Time and again, good friends express their frustrations as they try to connect with situations and people that are obviously not naturally occurring, while right in front of them are loving relationships that may be wide open to this deeper expression.
The usual explanation is one of not wanting to taint the dynamic, or bring it down to a lower level. Or that the friendship could not survive if the sexual aspect does not.
At least this is my experience.
Yet this is exactly what they are doing by going to meaningless frustrating sources to fulfill their sexual and physical needs. They go to the shallow end of the pool instead of diving deeper into the ocean of love that is already there, waiting for them to dive in.
Our culture is destroying our ability to connect intimately within our own communities.
We have been convinced that we should not. That it will lead to complications that only exist in the abstract, in the fear that resides in the mind.
We have been taught to distrust our own ability to create our own connections and solve our own problems. To have friendships that can survive experimentation and growth.
It is the schizophrenic desire to either own or be able to completely remove oneself which causes the problem. Many do not see or experience the in between.
What if it is really possible to explore deeper relationships within ur own communities and have the support of that community as the experiment unfolds?
Is it not usually the friend who deals with the aftermath?
How is it that we have come to accept the idea that this should be separated from the actual experience? Shouldn’t we be going deeper into that experience with the actual participants? In a partnership that is based on mutual growth and self discovery?
I personally do not know what to do anymore.
I am frustrated with this cosmic joke which is being played with me.
I might as well not even have a cock.
What is the point if no one who I wish to share myself with is willing to participate?
Especially when I have so much to give in terms of intimacy and love?
I am NOT going to lower myself down to the animalistic, meaningless, crass world of one night stands and meaningless copulation.
It is simply not my way.
So, all I can do is accept.
Be ok with that which actually is given.
And maybe one day I will be blessed enough to start a family of my own.
One can only hope!
And I come back, once again, to it being just me, by myself, with no life partner, no one to share my daily experiences with, no one to sleep next to, no one to share even the simplest of intimacies with.
I say that, yet I see, right in front of me, the door I have been looking for.
A friend that will walk in that middle ground, be an amazing healing force in my life, even if that one boundary of intimacy will more than likely not be crossed.
And I feel infinitely blessed.
Maybe part of my frustration is due to getting older.
I’m half way to 70, and the world is becoming more and more a place of confusion and a place where we can’t quite be sure if we will be here tomorrow.
Yet another part of that frustration due to having the most amazing beings in existence in my life. (and that frustration is birthed completely of my desire for more)
Especially the most recent arrival, who completely and utterly blows me away.
It is difficult to not be able to express such intimacies with one whom I feel I have even lived previous lives with.
We search a lifetime for someone who can walk the walk with us, who shares that common deep language of our soul.
I do not understand how when that is found it is not allowed to blossom, to flourish, to be a coming together in ALL aspects.
But that is not only my choice to make, it is a process of co-creation, and once again I have to withhold for the other, or walk away, and I cannot walk away from such a deep love and connection.
So the drama continues.
And with it my depth and understanding grows too.
Can one really expect a new partner to come along and be ok with a friendship between a male and female which in all aspects other than sex is on a level of intimacy that could possibly rival marriage?
That is a lot to ask.
In my experience it gets to be a mess of jealousy.
The new person does not know enough about my past or the way in which I love to properly perceive my intentions. They do not realize that I may be overflowing and have enough love for everyone.
And I do not want to give up the friendship.
I WILL NOT give up those friendships for a relationship.
That is notloving behavior, but rather behavior based on fear and insecurity.
Matter of fact, I cannot see any other relationship even matching the richness of that deep friendship.
Rather, I see that deep connection being the seed for partnership, the place where good healthy balanced relationships start.
So I move on…slightly frustrated, a little amused, a little sad, and wondering if I can handle this process yet again.
The key is always to look at the gain rather than the loss.
And I have gained one of the most beautiful bonds I could ever imagine.
Someone who is healing, giving, loving beyond belief.
Someone who wants to be an active part of my unfolding and wants me to be a part of hers, intimately - in a way that is of the deepest variety of experience.
I cannot turn away from that.
The only thing I can do is dive deeper, knowing that somehow, someway, it will naturally be what it is meant to be.
Life takes care of us if we let it.
It is just a matter of trusting and letting go.
Let it flow.
And let love be free.