Sunday, November 12, 2006

trusting love

Amazing electricity crackling in the crisp fall air.
Love all around.
I almost do not know what to say.
All I know is that I have not felt like this in a long, long time, if ever!

Fears pass through my mind.
Overwhelmed and feeling like I jumped off of a cliff without wings.
Flirting with my neurosis and managing to do a little dance around it for the most part.
I get stuck in this idea that somehow I am going to end up being starved, that I will be left with nothing, not recognizing how totally overflowing the entire experience is.
It is hard to remain centered and calm – to accept whatever path manifests as I feel deeper and deeper the desire for a particular path to emerge.
I am not sure I have ever been in love like this before and I have been in love countless times.

Like binary stars, both shining, doing a lil cosmic dance together.

I am scared of my own fate.
This path that is presenting itself to me, that I have been putting off for so long.
There are going to be sacrifices that have to be made, some things put aside for focus on others – which expressions take on the most importance and attention and energy?

I have been hiding from the world.
I have been afraid of owning my gifts and thrusting them outward into the world.
I have been learning most of all how to be at peace in my non-doing, in my nothingness.
Without that peace, it almost feels as if everything I do is nothing but an escape from facing my true nature.
I am reading Dune right now, after being a bit obsessed with the longer , more in depth miniseries from the Sci-Fi channel (mostly because of the inclusion of the Children of Dune stories).
I get a little weird when I read these kind of stories.
I connect with characters like Paul Mua’Dib all too well.
I have ever since I was a young boy.
The super hero, the archetypal hero, the dreamweaver, the walker between worlds, the underdog, the last hope…all of those archetypes.
Yet at the same time drawn to the likes of Buddha, lao tzu…
Leaves me confused.
Stuck between the promethean and zen.

Can I let go of the last bits of “regular life” in order to move into something more in tune with what I want my path to be?

How do I deal with this new love that I feel, so overflowing, overwhelming, leaving me craving more and more and more of it.
Honey, you know you make me feel just as high as you say I make you feel when we are together.
I do not even want to imagine a life without your sweet taste.
And I am so ready to deal with a little bit of bitter mixed in to give it all spice!

I know I have to take things as they come, that I cannot have everything I want the way I want it when I want it as I want it.

Sometimes it is so incredibly difficult to let go, to trust life, to trust love, and to open your heart and keep it open. To let that love flow through, to not grasp, but to flow, to experience, to become overflowing.

The love mixed with challenge, with facing all of the things that make me grow, that make me thrive and make me a more incredible being, more capable of loving, living, celebrating.

I find myself repeating the Bene Gesseritt mantra:

“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little death that brings the total obliteration.
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing, only I will remain.”

I must remember.
I am love.
I live to love.
This is my divine contract.
I am also warrior,
Always will be.
When the time calls
I shall not hesitate
But love must always take precedence over the fight.
For it is love which encompasses it all.
Only fight as much as you must to birth love.
Loving is it’s own reward.
So I choose bravery over cowardice.

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