Sunday, October 26, 2008

questions

so, what exactly am i doing?
over the last several days i have been asking myself this and having to look back and face some questions that i have yet to really answer.
What was my real reason for moving to Utah?
The original trip i took which brought me here enraptured me.
This landscape is truly marvelous beyond belief.
but i have been caught up in it too much.
Hiking has become obsession, and while thoroughly enjoyable, I'm afraid i have let it move me away from my creative side a bit too much.

I've always had difficulties focusing on projects.
I am great at manifesting ideas, but putting them into action can be a different thing altogether.
some of you know of the book project. the idea has existed for a couple of years now and i have all of 652 words written. not good.
I have not created art in months, nor music. one song at Arches (plus a remix of it) and one song here in Boulder.
I started a new medium with my art at Arches, but have not continued it here.yet.
though i have painted one and a half paintings since coming to boulder.
the slow season is now upon us out here, and i will have much more time for these things, yet i find myself not really feeling i have the proper workspace to do them in.

There has been a great amount of escape involved in all of this.
Escape from Chicago - from a job that i did not like and did me very little good, from relationship/friendship patterns that caused inner turmoil and unanswered things, from high financial burdens.
but there has been a great cost as well.
until very recently, i'd been pretty much alone and on my own here in Boulder. it was not until a week ago that i even stepped into the house of another Boulderian.
a sad sad thing.
The last few weeks though, have brought a great friendship that i cherish. yet i need to make sure that i do not overcompensate for the time alone.
don't get me wrong, time spent with this wonderful new compadre is time extremely well spent. i love it.
but I'm still feeling that something big is missing here for me.
It could be the uneasiness I have about my own creativity.
there is an element of missing the types of psychological, philosophical and spiritual discussion i had in Chicago as well.
those are the very things that drive me and i thrive on, and to not have that kind of connection here is proving difficult. it is not that i believe i will not find it here, but that i have not yet found it.
I feel it is so great that people here are so 'of the earth' yet that is only half of what i need. I'm also a man of the 'quantum world' of the 'great evolution'
the more i've found my own awareness and become more critical in my thinking and feeling, the more i have found myself outside of any particular cultural group.

I remember back in the late nineties when Stacie and I met with this goofy 'monk' woman named Bovany. She told us some new agey stuff that was interesting yet a bit full of fluff. when she had my birthtime (sidenote: when another guy did my chart, i remember him giving me the strangest look and saying he had not really seen a chart like it before also said my mid thirties would be a time of intense change - which they were and have been) and looked at my chart, she mentioned how i am one that is meant to connect- i am inbetween. and that is truly how i feel a times. there is such an art to learning how to help people connect, to connect ideas, philosophies, etc. it can be rather taxing. it is one of the few things in life that i feel obsessed about - at least the ideas and beliefs part.
that is supposedly the reason for writing my book. i can;t seem to find a forum for myself outside of that.
anything online just gets me riled up in ways i do not feel are healthy because posting on threads just gets out of control and most do not take the time to really read what the words say and just react. discussion boards get heated.
sometimes it is very difficult to be one who thinks and speaks outside of the box.
people tend to not want to hear it.
living in a place where i can't really get a lot of feedback doesn't help when it comes to dealing with debate and such either. there is simply not the discourse that is needed for me to be able to refine and practice that kind of interaction. and i do not really want to do it on the web.
i would much rather do it in person. there is too much to body language and intonation that is not expressed in written words.
(yet i think about writing a book - crazy , eh?)

I guess i am feeling a bit lost.
I can;t really get a vision for what is to come. Would there be another place i would like to live? if so, how to make that happen? how to have the funds needed? getting a new job in this current economy?
Boulder has been able to provide what i need to survive without any surplus. a lot of that is due to having to replace things this year - cellphone - car, computer.
Heck i think i've only made about 7 grand so far this year.

with things winding down here in Boulder, i simply wonder how winter will be.
it is going to be a test. the 3 restaurants close (not that i go to them often), the seasonal people leave and it pretty much closes up. fund will dry out too - as i will be down to about 20 to 25 hours of work a week.
that makes for great time to work on those creative projects though.
I simply wish that i felt inspired towards them.
it is as if i have finally come to some existentialist nihilistic point that i swore i would never come to. i am having trouble finding any real meaning or purpose behind any of these activities. entertaining myself with them is just not enough.
i suppose this means that i am at a blank slate as well and can create whatever meaning i want to.
i'm just feelin kind of.... stuck.
feeling i need to visit a larger place as well. i have not been in a place bigger than Moab (5,000) since march. and before that it had been since october.

hard to believe i have been out here for a year already.

I am sure i will figure it all out, i always do somehow, at least enough to get me goin until the next questions arise.

i feel as if i have to temper myself too much here.i can't be myself full blown. i think it would scare people- or maybe, for the first time in my life, make enemies or people who really do not like me (not that i do things to be liked, but in a town of 200, better to have a good relationship with most of the town - especially in UT)
truth is that i find that the kind of thought i espouse and practice is not necesarily welcome anywhere, especially in an election year like this one.
I've developed a very low tolerance for political self righteousness on any side.
I personally do not think people are really prepared for what is to come, a change that will be beyond belief and will have nothing to do with politics. another reason for my book - and no i am not new agey about some damn 2012 we are all going to the center of the galaxy crap. plus i am one of those batards that would refuse to go and stay behind to help those that could not make it due to their lack of spiritual evolution or whatever. funny how those that think they are going find that their spiritual evolution that earns them the right includes abandoning the rest of humanity. sounds a bit selfish if you ask me and not very holy.
but i digress...
I've got monday off and i've gotta find something good to do with it.
too bad i have no ideas beside 'hike'

I've got a Rumi book on the way this week, so that will be good medicine.

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