Saturday, December 20, 2008

the challenge has begun

Isn’t it interesting how sometimes in life we cross paths with those who show us who we truly are?
Maybe I have a tendency to look for it, but I seem to have experienced this many times in my life.
Each person, moment, adventure and time in silence can bring it.
But the best always seems to be when it is brought by another human being, another soul.
That is also when it can be the most confusing as well.
All the richer the experience, I say.

I’ve got a long winter ahead of me which is going to demand a lot of inner discipline and firing up some sort of excitement and desire to fulfill some goals.
Goals have not really been my thing. I’ve lived a rather Taoist path thus far, having a loose set of definitions as to what I am wanting my life to be. It is wearing a bit thin at times. Feeling like it has been misplaced – that there are some things in which vision and assertiveness need to be expressed.
I stumbled upon Hasrat Inyat Khan’s book on Mastery while in Denver.
It’s helping quite a bit. Putting the next piece in that puzzle. In a way, it is a guidebook to asserting and bringing forth – mastering – the gifts we have been given in order to do God’s work in the world.
For those more secularly minded and not comfortable with the word God, substitute the word “Life” or think of the cosmic energy which makes up the entire known existence. Whatever works best as the metaphor for you. Just don’t simply dismiss because of the use of the name God.
I’ve always had a problem with this implementation.
I have my waves of creativity, but very, very rarely the desire to be assertive about sharing them. Sure, I will share openly with the friends around me, but to be ‘commercially’ assertive, to participate in the ways of the world, that is where the problems lie.
So – this winter, the big idea is to overcome that – to learn how to be more assertive.

Sometimes I realize that I have for some odd reason convinced myself that I do not have permission or am not invited into the big play. I’m still trying to figure out what convinced me of this, how this notion got started.
Sometimes it turns me into a recloose. I become a bit like a ghost.
I’m not sure what to make of it.

Well, I started out writing about people we cross paths with that kind of “wake us up.’
I feel lucky to have one of those people near.
It keeps me on my toes. It gives me the spark to move forward with positive, life affirming changes.
It also leaves me sorting out my perceptions and feeling – what am I really feeling about each issue that comes up about my Nafs?
How should I face them, move through them, find peace and prosperity?

There are particular struggles that occur time and again in my life. One of the most prominent is the tension between being in Agapé or Eros. What kind of Love am I experiencing, meant to express and feel? Why is it that Love most often moves to the realm of Agapé in my life?
Am I simply not being assertive in this realm too? Do I purposefully move myself in that direction?
The desire to have someone by my side is tremendous. At the same time, it is so very selective. It is not as if I am desperate or simply want that situation.
It is that I want that soul walking by my side, in person, sharing experiences, growing, laughing and crying and experiencing the infinity of life.
Yet that other path is always tugging at me, confusing me, but I am not meant for asceticism.

It is truly going to be a challenging winter. It’s up to me whether or not that is a bad or good thing. Time to rise to the challenge to use the gifts. To celebrate them and to celebrate life, even in the quietest of times.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

winter has come

so, my first winter in Boulder UT has officially started.
We got our first snow early in the week and it keeps coming.
Quite a sight for the eyes to behold.

The town is now so quiet.
people are gone. no tourists.
people not leaving their homes.
it is a time of reflection and inner work.
of creative projects.
of reconfiguring my life from the inside out.
this is the kind of time that reminds me of how complex i really am.
of how bored i can become by the simple.
yet at the same time i find great peace in the land here.

there is so much inside wanting to come out.
but it is not for this post, but for something or someone else.

here are a few pictures from early in the week before heavier snowfall.
more pictures to come soon....

my backyard

winter vibes.


a dusting of snow over lower calf creek canyon

lower calf creek canyon

part of Boulder

lower boulder

dry hollow

dry hollow