Saturday, March 27, 2010

a birthday poem?

Another year of challenges
When did it start,
When did it end?
Somehow those times
Simply seem to blend

Trials of the heart,
The head,
Sharing a space,
Sharing a bed.

Saying goodbye to an intimacy
Which transformed into
Something new and wonderful
After a bump or two…

New creative twists
Reinvention, re-ignition
Rediscovering sense of self
And still pondering
Just exactly what is
Truly calling me.

Winter solitude
Space to breathe
To think and feel
To evolve and integrate.

Snow melts
Claret cups bulge
The readiness of spring
And new opportunities
Rising forth from winter rest
Excitement coursing through veins
Facing trials with courage
With love and compassion

Ready to face
Whatever comes
Whatever will be
With an open heart and mind.

Bring it on.

Friday, March 26, 2010

spring changes

Changes and similarities flowing back and forth
Vying for a sense of balance – equilibrium.
Winter and spring both bringing emotional challenges
I seem to be facing them rather well, so far.
Transformation, reassessment, new ideas, new feelings
Echoes from before still haunt from time to time
Though they fade to whispers.

Shining stars on the morning horizon catch my eye
My curiosity peaked, I wonder what they will bring to the new day.
The subtle social dance of a small town can be tricky
Especially when one is so aware and takes care with their effects.
Yet I find myself wandering in this direction and that
Remaining open to whatever is to come

The next few months will bring much more change
A journey back to the Midwest for family,
A complex and challenging connection moving away,
New connections blossoming,
Newer insight in my art, music, and writing.

I look forward to it all while I still sit here licking wounds
And working through thoughts and feelings
That need to be fully digested
So that the nutrients can be absorbed
And the detritus disposed.

It’ll be good,
Of that I am sure,
For I seem to feel a tiny bit wiser
Each and every day.
But then again,
I may be full of it!

Friday, February 05, 2010

head and heart.

 The head should always follow the heart.
Otherwise, our thoughts and actions cannot be properly tempered with true empathy and compassion. If we start at the head and only consider the heart and emotions with the intellect, we fail to truly touch the meaning of such heart based feelings.
Words can become daggers, good intentions become manipulative self service.
When we do not connect with the heart, do we even truly connect?
One could argue that there are simply differing types of people. Maybe.
But should one who is based in the heart ever have to shut off the flow?
It can happen all to easily when a heart based individual is confronted with the attempt of intimacy with a head based partner. It is an incredible challenge to keep that heart open when the other person in the dynamic keeps theirs shut or open only for moments at a time.

Of course, the ultimate is to develop a true balance between head and heart, with neither ruling over the other, but these two centers of being work in harmony.

Both head and heart have their own sort of fears and problems engendered to them.
With the heart, emotional vulnerability, with the head, intellectual righteousness.
When we invest too deeply in the safety of either of these things, we suffer.
We block off the path to love and we become dogmatic in our thinking and combative towards new and outside ideas.
If we become self righteous about our ideas, we easily become blinded to truth. We start running programs rather than openly asking questions.
If we become self righteous with our love, we become possessive and jealous.
If we become possessive and judgmental about how we share our love, we become cold and calculating, we cannot give freely or in a way that is not first invested to our own self interest.
While one would hope that to give love freely is in one’s own self interest, many find intense fear in this regard, as if there is only so much love to be had. But, truth be told, the more each of us shares our love freely, the more love there is. To withhold out of fear stifles love’s ability to multiply.

I know that I have gone through my share of ‘heart-ache’ throughout the years, but never ever do I regret any of it. Instead, I find within it the lessons which will help me further develop my heart, my head, my ability to love and my ability to think.

The ultimate goal, at least for myself, is to be able to freely share with both heart and head, at least with a partner and hopefully with an ever expanding world.

Monday, January 25, 2010

winter time

Rebuilding, renewing. The time comes.
Winter is such an intense time of reflection. Especially here in the small ‘hamlet’ of Boulder Utah.
There is little to no work, a big blank spot in which one must face themselves or go nuts trying to avoid it.
This year, I was thrust into the winter with intense change.
My partner and I split with her moving out at the beginning of December.
The store I work at closed for weeks this winter which we did not do last year.

So, how have I coped and managed? For the first few weeks it was a lot of movies and reading. Then I got into the swing of my painting season and have started and nearly finished nearly ten paintings so far.
I find small social moments to enjoy whether it be driving out with a friend to check on cattle or sitting around conversing about spirituality, mysticism, and the trials and tribulations of life in general with another.
And we’ve got snow. Lots of it!
Too much to go out hiking although I ache so much for it!
I spent the second half of last season working too much and hiking too little and it is so unhealthy for me to feel estranged from the slickrock.

House & dog sitting comes and goes and gives a bit of variety. That chore is both good and bad as it takes me away from my ‘art studio’ for too much time.

Back to the inner reflection – it is amazing the things that well up when the space is created and things are allowed to flow forth from the subconscious.
I’ve been feeling and thinking about deep connections, those who I love most in this world and how I am so far away from them. It saddens me.
Some truths are revealed. I know who owns my heart in this lifetime.
no matter how many times I have tried to deny it or move forward from it.
Yet she is so far away. So many years of trying to find the right place and time and it never really occurring. Yet, to simply think about how I’ve always felt in her presence and even simply thinking about her tells me how much beauty and love is possible in this world.
I’m also wondering where exactly I should be. Boulder is beautiful in so many ways. The wilderness, the blossoming movement towards local sustainability….
Yet there are so manuy cultural elements which I crave that are missing.
Not to mention that work options here are few. I feel blessed to have opportunity in these times, but the choice of who to work and rent from is so limited.
I mean, what does one do with a landlord that says she is upset that I had a garden because she did not rent me the land around my place, just the residence and driveway?
Never mind I am putting in so many hours improving the sandy soil.
It will be interesting to see how things go from here….