Monday, January 25, 2010

winter time

Rebuilding, renewing. The time comes.
Winter is such an intense time of reflection. Especially here in the small ‘hamlet’ of Boulder Utah.
There is little to no work, a big blank spot in which one must face themselves or go nuts trying to avoid it.
This year, I was thrust into the winter with intense change.
My partner and I split with her moving out at the beginning of December.
The store I work at closed for weeks this winter which we did not do last year.

So, how have I coped and managed? For the first few weeks it was a lot of movies and reading. Then I got into the swing of my painting season and have started and nearly finished nearly ten paintings so far.
I find small social moments to enjoy whether it be driving out with a friend to check on cattle or sitting around conversing about spirituality, mysticism, and the trials and tribulations of life in general with another.
And we’ve got snow. Lots of it!
Too much to go out hiking although I ache so much for it!
I spent the second half of last season working too much and hiking too little and it is so unhealthy for me to feel estranged from the slickrock.

House & dog sitting comes and goes and gives a bit of variety. That chore is both good and bad as it takes me away from my ‘art studio’ for too much time.

Back to the inner reflection – it is amazing the things that well up when the space is created and things are allowed to flow forth from the subconscious.
I’ve been feeling and thinking about deep connections, those who I love most in this world and how I am so far away from them. It saddens me.
Some truths are revealed. I know who owns my heart in this lifetime.
no matter how many times I have tried to deny it or move forward from it.
Yet she is so far away. So many years of trying to find the right place and time and it never really occurring. Yet, to simply think about how I’ve always felt in her presence and even simply thinking about her tells me how much beauty and love is possible in this world.
I’m also wondering where exactly I should be. Boulder is beautiful in so many ways. The wilderness, the blossoming movement towards local sustainability….
Yet there are so manuy cultural elements which I crave that are missing.
Not to mention that work options here are few. I feel blessed to have opportunity in these times, but the choice of who to work and rent from is so limited.
I mean, what does one do with a landlord that says she is upset that I had a garden because she did not rent me the land around my place, just the residence and driveway?
Never mind I am putting in so many hours improving the sandy soil.
It will be interesting to see how things go from here….