exorcising the self

brief thoughts on the new year

2011-03-06T12:51:00.002-07:00

this being posted in march denotes the first thing:
Patience & slowing down.

Silence.
Experience.
Not participating in mumbo jumbo, be it spiritual, political, intellectual
Allowing life and all in it to tell me about itself, instead of me imposing meaning.
I think that is called Listening.
Not using airy fairy terms and language to describe the real world of experience.
if we truly live in such a realm, isn't it intrinsic?

Creating.
Beauty.
Love.
Friendship.
being myself, COMPLETELY.
recognizing more and more that everyone, myself included, is deluded.
we all need help.
that's why we need to stop talking and start listening. it really is that simple.
so STFU!

Deserts and Mountains

2011-01-20T05:37:00.001-07:00

Thoughts on Deserts and Mountains, a novel by Yilmaz Alimoglu

If there is one thing which I love about this new cultural landscape of the internet we seem to inhabit more and more, it is the ability of cultural creatives, artists, musicians, writers, armchair philosophers, spiritual seekers, and just about anyone else with an idea to make personal effort to promote themselves, find like minded souls and share a bit of themselves with the world in a fashion that is akin to word of mouth, but on such a broader scale.

Yilmaz Alimoglu’s wonderful novel Deserts and Mountains is not the first book to reach me in such a way. A few years ago, I was introduced to Tony Vigorito’s work (which is entirely different but every bit as thoughtful) in the same fashion, and I must say that both experiences have enriched my life, and meeting Yilmaz, even if only in the ‘virtual world’ of electrons flitting around crystals and screens, adds a new layer of experience to reading a novel and experiencing the intention of an author. I hope to see and experience more of this type of interaction between creators and witnesses (I will NOT say consumers!) in the future.

In an age when mass publishing houses are promoted by the likes of Oprah and many ‘spiritual journey’ books are tossed about in conversation like so many pulp mystery novels, used more to establish cultural identity and coolness factor rather than actual spiritual growth and rendering them stale and one dimensional in the larger pop culture context, it is refreshing to be presented with a truly grounded, personal and humble novel such as Deserts and Mountains. Add to that an author who seems to be joyous about interacting with his readers in the online realm, and the experience begins to dissolve boundaries even further and the book acts as a catalyst for further discussion.

This is exactly what I find to be the true beauty of Deserts and Mountains.
Yilmaz manages to create a highly personal feel to this fictional work, so much so that at times I found myself feeling so connected to the main character of Ali that I had to wonder how much of it was actually fiction. I felt as if Yilmaz might really be sitting next to me sharing some of his own life story.

The amazing thing about the novel is that it moves so smoothly between personal stories and exposition of many of the concepts of Sufism. In a time when a great deal of the Western world has a very warped and uninformed understanding of Islam and Muslims, especially when it comes to the Mystical aspects of the many cultures which comprise the Islamic World, a book such as this can act as something more than simply being a novel. It can act as a much needed primmer opening one to a deeper understanding of the depth and meaning of a tradition which seems to be so misunderstood by so many.
I have been ‘studying’ aspects of Sufism for more than a few years now, attempting to reach beyond the romanticized Western versions of the poetry of such Masters as Hafiz and Rumi. Along the way I have discovering Attar’s Conference of the Birds (a personal favorite), Ibn Arabi, El Ghazzali, the more modern Hazrat Inayat Khan as well as others and was pleased to find passages inspired by or quoting many of the Greats of the tradition sprinkled throughout the book, always at appropriate places in which they did not seem the least bit intrusive, but rather, a natural part of the flow, being exposition of the internal workings of Ali.
Sufism seems to be so much more that many realize, truly a beautiful and evolving tradition which understands its role in society and how it must adapt to the varying situations in life, yet at it’s core nurture the deepest understandings of and personal relationship to the Divine (often referred to as ‘The Friend’ or “The Beloved” within the tradition, which shows just how personal of a relationship Sufism can instill).
One amazing aspect of this novel is that it manages to translate that idea in a decidedly non academic manner through personal storytelling.
The thread of The Friend runs through every moment, whether the main character, Ali, finds himself in his adopted home of Canada, his homeland of Turkey, the Sahara or visiting Greece and Spain. This thread works as a great example of how our lives evolve and how we ‘digest’ and integrate our experiences, how we interpret them, color them by the beliefs we hold onto, and how, at times, those beliefs need to evolve in order to encompass the truths which seem to reveal themselves before our very eyes.
I’m sure it was not easy for Ali to return to his homeland only to find himself rather disgusted by the distorted display of morals and ethics (or lack thereof) which destroy romanticized memories. Yet, in a very real sense, the experience becomes a lens through which Ali can witness his own inner development and progress along The Path.

In a time when we are all having to learn more every day about how to exist in multi-cultural context in an increasingly pluralistic world, many times living great distances from where our cultural patterns and roots evolved, novels such as this can play a key roll in helping us understand what we are all going through, and that we are not alone in the quest to make peace with it.
So many of us are having to readjust our cultural perceptions as we are finding ourselves removed from original context and being able to re-examine our cultures of origin from outside, with fresh eyes.
Could Ali have truly understood and seen the problems he witnessed upon returning to his homeland of Turkey if he had not moved to Canada or some other outside culture? Maybe he needed that juxtaposition in order to open his eyes and allow him to see clearly, something we can all use a little more of in these seemingly chaotic times of cultural rearrangement. These are not simple times we live in, and cultivating this ability to witness, to see both connections and differences becomes something of increasing importance, especially if we are to find a common ground in which we can all find a way to coexist and understand each other and the need for maintaining our own personal understandings of life while at the same time maintaining that connection with those that differ, something that is elemental in building the foundations of compassion and maintaining a personal spiritual compass when presented with such a pluralistic flood of cultural ideas and mythologies.

Yilmaz does a wonderful job of humanizing Ali. He also does a wonderful job of showing the connection between science and spirituality. Ali’s secular life as a scientist blends so well into the mystical, and helps one to understand the common experimental nature needed in order to fully understand either – that is, experimenting while maintaining keen observation and awareness, something that his scientific background seems to help a great deal with, allowing Ali to move into a more objective ‘mindspace’ when it is called upon to overcome cultural filters and witness more clearly.
The intellectual nature of the story is wonderfully paired with the emotional nature of Ali’s experiences.
He faces intense emotional experiences: a love thought lost and possibly beyond recovery only to be renewed in a new, more mature fashion, new love lost to mortality, overcoming culturally imprinted ethnic bias during his visit to Greece, and most of all, confronting himself and his own illusions about who he is and his place in the world.
The transitions between the various situations in which Ali finds himself flows very naturally, even when events take U-turns. Some might be confused by moments such as when he decides to immediately return to Turkey from Spain so that he can ‘find himself’ on the Mountain, but anyone who has followed their own intuitive path will immediately understand the pressing need and seeming obsession. Such things are what great breakthroughs are made of. The same can be said for his journey to the desert, a place where all but the most vital aspects of culture tend to be stripped bare.

One of the greatest rewards of the book is to witness Ali return to his adopted home transformed and more capable of understanding himself and those he loves, and I was very pleased that his family, which remained in Canada as he moved forward on his journey, continued to be vital and important elements along his journey and reflected his own progress within the growth and evolution, the opening of eyes, which developed as they grew to understand and know each other more; something that also reflects the theme of growing and developing clearer understanding through a process of removing oneself from the situation and seeing with new eyes.

I applaud Yilmaz for presenting his first novel to the world and taking such great care in how he shares it and interacts with his readers. It might be possible that the small scale of distribution and marketing have been a blessing to the readers who have been lucky enough to share in this, as it has allowed for a more personalized experience – something which seems intrinsically important to such material.
I look forward to the next journey presented by Mr. Alimoglu, as I am sure it will be every bit as vital and vibrant as Deserts and Mountains.

a birthday poem?

2010-03-27T12:05:00.001-07:00

Another year of challenges
Passes
When did it start,
When did it end?
Somehow those times
Simply seem to blend

Trials of the heart,
The head,
Sharing a space,
Sharing a bed.

Saying goodbye to an intimacy
Which transformed into
Something new and wonderful
After a bump or two…

New creative twists
Reinvention, re-ignition
Rediscovering sense of self
And still pondering
Just exactly what is
Truly calling me.

Winter solitude
Space to breathe
To think and feel
To evolve and integrate.

Snow melts
Claret cups bulge
The readiness of spring
And new opportunities
Rising forth from winter rest
Excitement coursing through veins
Facing trials with courage
With love and compassion

Ready to face
Whatever comes
Whatever will be
With an open heart and mind.

Bring it on.

spring changes

2010-03-26T11:12:00.000-07:00

Changes and similarities flowing back and forth
Vying for a sense of balance – equilibrium.
Winter and spring both bringing emotional challenges
I seem to be facing them rather well, so far.
Transformation, reassessment, new ideas, new feelings
Echoes from before still haunt from time to time
Though they fade to whispers.

Shining stars on the morning horizon catch my eye
My curiosity peaked, I wonder what they will bring to the new day.
The subtle social dance of a small town can be tricky
Especially when one is so aware and takes care with their effects.
Yet I find myself wandering in this direction and that
Remaining open to whatever is to come

The next few months will bring much more change
A journey back to the Midwest for family,
A complex and challenging connection moving away,
New connections blossoming,
Newer insight in my art, music, and writing.

I look forward to it all while I still sit here licking wounds
And working through thoughts and feelings
That need to be fully digested
So that the nutrients can be absorbed
And the detritus disposed.

It’ll be good,
Of that I am sure,
For I seem to feel a tiny bit wiser
Each and every day.
But then again,
I may be full of it!

head and heart.

2010-02-05T08:43:00.002-07:00

¬ The head should always follow the heart.
Otherwise, our thoughts and actions cannot be properly tempered with true empathy and compassion. If we start at the head and only consider the heart and emotions with the intellect, we fail to truly touch the meaning of such heart based feelings.
Words can become daggers, good intentions become manipulative self service.
When we do not connect with the heart, do we even truly connect?
One could argue that there are simply differing types of people. Maybe.
But should one who is based in the heart ever have to shut off the flow?
It can happen all to easily when a heart based individual is confronted with the attempt of intimacy with a head based partner. It is an incredible challenge to keep that heart open when the other person in the dynamic keeps theirs shut or open only for moments at a time.

Of course, the ultimate is to develop a true balance between head and heart, with neither ruling over the other, but these two centers of being work in harmony.

Both head and heart have their own sort of fears and problems engendered to them.
With the heart, emotional vulnerability, with the head, intellectual righteousness.
When we invest too deeply in the safety of either of these things, we suffer.
We block off the path to love and we become dogmatic in our thinking and combative towards new and outside ideas.
If we become self righteous about our ideas, we easily become blinded to truth. We start running programs rather than openly asking questions.
If we become self righteous with our love, we become possessive and jealous.
If we become possessive and judgmental about how we share our love, we become cold and calculating, we cannot give freely or in a way that is not first invested to our own self interest.
While one would hope that to give love freely is in one’s own self interest, many find intense fear in this regard, as if there is only so much love to be had. But, truth be told, the more each of us shares our love freely, the more love there is. To withhold out of fear stifles love’s ability to multiply.

I know that I have gone through my share of ‘heart-ache’ throughout the years, but never ever do I regret any of it. Instead, I find within it the lessons which will help me further develop my heart, my head, my ability to love and my ability to think.

The ultimate goal, at least for myself, is to be able to freely share with both heart and head, at least with a partner and hopefully with an ever expanding world.

winter time

2010-01-25T13:15:00.001-07:00

Rebuilding, renewing. The time comes.
Winter is such an intense time of reflection. Especially here in the small ‘hamlet’ of Boulder Utah.
There is little to no work, a big blank spot in which one must face themselves or go nuts trying to avoid it.
This year, I was thrust into the winter with intense change.
My partner and I split with her moving out at the beginning of December.
The store I work at closed for weeks this winter which we did not do last year.

So, how have I coped and managed? For the first few weeks it was a lot of movies and reading. Then I got into the swing of my painting season and have started and nearly finished nearly ten paintings so far.
I find small social moments to enjoy whether it be driving out with a friend to check on cattle or sitting around conversing about spirituality, mysticism, and the trials and tribulations of life in general with another.
And we’ve got snow. Lots of it!
Too much to go out hiking although I ache so much for it!
I spent the second half of last season working too much and hiking too little and it is so unhealthy for me to feel estranged from the slickrock.

House & dog sitting comes and goes and gives a bit of variety. That chore is both good and bad as it takes me away from my ‘art studio’ for too much time.

Back to the inner reflection – it is amazing the things that well up when the space is created and things are allowed to flow forth from the subconscious.
I’ve been feeling and thinking about deep connections, those who I love most in this world and how I am so far away from them. It saddens me.
Some truths are revealed. I know who owns my heart in this lifetime.
no matter how many times I have tried to deny it or move forward from it.
Yet she is so far away. So many years of trying to find the right place and time and it never really occurring. Yet, to simply think about how I’ve always felt in her presence and even simply thinking about her tells me how much beauty and love is possible in this world.
I’m also wondering where exactly I should be. Boulder is beautiful in so many ways. The wilderness, the blossoming movement towards local sustainability….
Yet there are so manuy cultural elements which I crave that are missing.
Not to mention that work options here are few. I feel blessed to have opportunity in these times, but the choice of who to work and rent from is so limited.
I mean, what does one do with a landlord that says she is upset that I had a garden because she did not rent me the land around my place, just the residence and driveway?
Never mind I am putting in so many hours improving the sandy soil.
It will be interesting to see how things go from here….

in the now

2009-08-27T17:04:00.002-07:00

so...to all of my friends that i have not been calling and keeping in touch with or whatever, just know that it is not personal, i have simply been caught up in the here and now.
working doubles and gardening, etc. have been taking up almost all of my time and when i have down time i have been taking it for myself.
you'll hear from me soon enough...

work work work

2009-08-04T14:21:00.000-07:00

all work and no play is no fun!!!!!

Work, ugh. How to escape it?
I was amazed to figure out the other day that I am working more hours per week now than ever before in my life. How the heck did that happen?
I suppose I should be happy to have so much work and people begging me for hours considering the current state of the job moarket elsewhere.
So, now, not only am I holding down the fort a few evenings of the week at Hills & Hollows as well as baking pizzas on Friday, but I am working a steady 2 days housekeeping at boulder mountain lodge and will be starting to work a few laundry shifts there as well next week.
of course, before ya know it, the end of the season will be here and there will be virtually no work to be had, so it is time to save save save.
I don’t want to have to work much at all this winter – to simply concentrate on art & music for a few months, and it is looking as if I will be able to do so.
H&H will close for about 6 weeks mid winter, so I know that I will definitely have that time completely free if I want it.
I’d like to do a bit of traveling at that point, explore the 4 corners area a bit more or something. Time will tell how it works out.
It feels good to know I already have a fair amount of the art supplies I will be needing.
It will be interesting to see how space issues work out as well. I had a place to myself last winter but this one will most likely be shared with my girlfriend (we’d discussed separate places but the latest thought is to try to share the space and not get on each others nerves even though there is not much space.)

I have not been able to get out onto the slickrock like I prefer lately. It is driving me a bit batty. I SHOULD be getting the work schedulre set so that even though I will have 4 double shifts, I will have weekends off with every other Friday off as well.
Wish me luck with that. I just hope I will have energy to get out after working 45 to 50 hours over 4 days!

I’ll get a short break the first week of september when my mom comes to visit, which will be good.
Then I will simply have to rough it out for a couple of months.
Like I said, wish me luck.

i am a desert creature (part 1)

2009-07-21T16:58:00.002-07:00

Edward Abbey…sigh…
Love him or hate him, he just gets under your skin.
I remember thoroughly enjoying my first experience of reading his work when I was given a copy of The Monkey Wrench Gang back in the late nineties, way before my days out here in canyon country. I’m definitely needing to reread it having come to know the many locations which occur in the book.

I recently read “Down the River”, a collection of his essays, and loved it.
Yes, there were points he would make here and there that made me cringe, but I find myself increasingly in tune with his thoughts.

Having roamed a bit of this landscape, however small in ratio to its entirety, I’ve come to understand the type of possessiveness that comes along with finding special spots, living in harmony with this landscape, and having to deal with outsiders and weekend adventurers coming in and treating it as nothing more than a vacation spot.

Heck, I’ve even had some thoughts of my own of particular ‘rules’ that I think should somehow abstractly be enforced out here. One being that if a person does not know what cryptobiotic soil is, they should not be allowed into the canyons or onto the benches.

In between those reads, I also read his classic work “Desert Solitaire” as part of my Arches National Park Interpretation information package when I volunteered at the park for a winter season a couple of years ago. While I was lucky enough to be working there during off-season and did not have to deal with gargantuan amounts of visitors, I came to understand the impact that has occurred due to the improved roads, etc. within the park.

I also came to an understanding of the fact that if those roads and trails had not been created, the impact could very possibly be much greater as visitors would not have been funneled into particular areas, but would have been seeing the park in a more scattered, higher impact way, crushing everything underfoot.
I got to spend many a day exploring the park off trail and practicing treading lightly.
It led to some amazing moments. One in particular was a moment when I crossed over a drainage between petrified dunes above courthouse wash only to come upon a group of bighorn sheep napping in the sun, truly a moment that is meant to be earned and not gleamed through a car window.

I don’t think I really had the depth of understanding of the wildness of canyon country until I moved to Boulder, UT and started to explore the wilderness of the Escalante Canyons. Few marked trails here. Memory and landmarks serve as guides as one creates a mental map of the landscape. Anthropomorphic rocks here….pictographs or petroglyphs there, or maybe a majestic tree, such as a ponderosa pine unexpectedly appearing far downstream from Boulder Mountain somewhere along a creek bed.
Being able to go merely a few miles from home and be immersed in wilderness is an experience that cannot truly be translated into words. Instead, one must truly get out there and experience it for oneself. Even experiencing the drive into Boulder over Boulder Mountain from Torrey or over the Hogsback from Escalante is an experience that one must have directly in order to really understand. Pictures do not due justice.

There have been moments when I have thought of attempting landscape art out here, but every time I do it, I almost immediately have to stop. My hands cannot translate that immense granduer.

I’ll leave that to some of the local artists already doing it, such as Scotty Mitchell. Her work is amazing. I’ll stick to the abstract, to collectiing and grinding sandstone in order to somehow express this place and what it is doing to me.

That process in itself grounds me, creating an ever more intimate relationship with this landscape. I discover where Wadis existed in the original Navajo Sandstone Erg, when the now petrified dunes flowed across this landscape in a desert larger than the Sahara. In those special spots, varying colors and textures show themselves exposed after millions of years. Special places where water and mud were gathered and trapped creating punctuation within the landscape. Then there are the layers of iron concretion where once again water was trapped in the sand and created a gathering place for iron bleached out of the surrounding sand by water percolating through the pressurized sand for untold years.

I am always awestruck by the magnificent organic forms that this process creates. Some are focused on the Moki Marbles – those infamous marble like round iron concretion pieces that the dunes release to gather in low spots. To me, those do not compare to some of the other forms I have seen – lingams and yonis, miniature versions of the landscape, small dish-like and fin-like forms, you name it….
Sometimes I will arrange them in artistic ways on top of the basalt boulders which remain from the days when the Aquarius Plateau/Boulder Mountain top flowed with lava.

I recently attended a geology talk at the Escalante InterAgency Center given by wayne Ranney, co-author of the wonderful book Ancient Landscapes of the Colorado Plateau.
I had a short discussion with him after the presentation in which I asked his opinion of how the Aquarius Plateau was formed and why there is so little information available about it. I was told that there really have been very few studies and that he only had one paper on Boulder Mountain.

In his opinion, which I think sounds rather sound – especially alongside his theory of headward erosion of the Colorado River Basin (see his work in order to read more about this)- what we may be looking at with the top of the Aquarius Plateau may possibly be what is left of the original Colorado Plateau before the canyons were cut. The estimation he stated to me of the age of the top is 8 million years old. Boulder Mountain and the Aquarius Plateau are not included in the Laccolith formations such as the Henry, Abajo, Navajo, and LaSal Mountains. It was a completely separate occurance, as far as I can tell from my studies thus far. Of course, I am no geologist, just a desert rat with an obsession with the stories of how the lands I roam were formed, someone seeking an intimate relationship with the land I live on.

There is so much exploring out here that it will take a lifetime, or two, or three, or maybe more. I don’t think that this land will let go of my soul. If anything, I will one day be a part of it left for others to discover during their own wanderings.

cool weather.

2009-06-16T14:46:00.002-07:00

spring continues to be rather cool. it has made watering the garden easier but the tomatoes are not happy and growing much.
i will be posting pics of the garden soon.

Katherine and I managed to get out of town for 4 days last week. We went down to gallup NM (what a hole!). She wanted to check out an education job fair for teaching on the reservation, but as soon as we were in the area we knew there was no way we wanted to live there.
but i DID get new truck tires for my Eagle (whoohoo!). We camped in Comb wash both on the way down and back and took different routes heading south and north thru NM and the reservation. also camped a night in Cibolo National Forest.

things are going well. busy with work and gardening....

looks like we will be staying in Boulder and hopefully becoming more involved with teh new Red House Farm (more on that later).

busy-ness

2009-05-16T09:45:00.002-07:00

tourists flood the store.
beautiful sunny days in the 80's.
gardening.
hiking.
web design.
art.
reading.
writing.
baking pizzas in the wood fired oven.
figuring out what happens in august.
from rising until going to bed,
it seems i am going nonstop.
a day of rest would be good.

2009-04-24T09:22:00.000-07:00

So, finally, a bit of an update....

The season is getting into full swing, a lot of tourists coming through now.
We're busier at the store, etc.
The art show at the Anasazi State Park went well. My art looked amazing in the room and i had the perfect number of pieces to arrange it all. Only one piece sold - to a local.
Since taking down the show I spent a Saturday in Springdale (with Katherine!)showing my art in a both at the Earth Day festival. I then dropped off 6 pieces of my sand art at the Manzanita Gallery, just outside of the south entrance to Zion National Park.

Also, Katherine found out that she has been accepted into the Sustainable Communities Masters Program at NAU in Flagstaff,AZ, so it is looking like we will be moving there in August.
This is a very exciting thing. We've been watching documentaries and I've been reading up on earth homes over the last few weeks.
She is currently in Logan UT finishing her Utah Conservation Corp training, but will be returning to southern utah next week.
I can hardly wait for her return!

It is feeling like it will be an adventurous season.
I am not quite sure how I will manage money-wise in terms of both meeting expenses and saving for our move, but I trust that things will work out.
There is really no telling what we will find in terms of housing or what I will find in terms of work, but so far, in this life, things have had a tendency to flow smoothly for me with only a few bumps along the way.

My only other worries in terms of money are about the Eagle. It is in ned of new shocks and tires. badly. Considering the amount of travel I will be doing this spring/summer in order to go visit Katherine in the field, it needs to be taken care of sooner than later.

I've got a lot to be happy about, even with the coming challenges. I look forward to how it all grows and develops, and it is amazing to know that I have such and amazing and wonderful partner to share it all with.

spring fever

2009-04-23T18:28:00.003-07:00

Spring is moving into canyon country and it feels wonderful.
I have been back and forth between different weather patterns over the last month having traveled twice to the Cache Valley area.
it's been interesting.
It has been a bit difficult at times having Katherine gone for the month, but we have managed to visit each other during that time.

some pics:

It is always amazing to be in her presence. Such a feeling of 'home'.

I've been starting to get out on a few hikes a week. getting sun, working on that good ol' hiker's tan.
I've revisited the area west of Boynton Pass where the old wagon road follows the rim of the Escalante River Canyon and finally made it up on top of Schoolhouse Ledge.

here are some pics from those hikes:
a view from on Schoolhouse Ledge towards Boulder Mountain-

A view towards the area where we live & where Hills and Hollows is. we live towards the bottom of the boulder spill at the base of the ledge in the mid-ground.

escalante river canyon-

i will try to post more soon. there is a lot to update....

a bountiful, beautiful life

2009-03-26T15:18:00.002-07:00

Turned 38 yesterday.
no biggie. each year gets better. the way it should.
I'm currently feeling more blessed than ever.
The new growing love in my life is beyond measure.
Love grows, my art spreads wider with a show at the museum here in town and beginning to show my work in Springdale next month.
All I can really say is that i feel that it is going to be an amazing year.
beyond that, i am a bit beyond words right now.
hopefully I will post more soon.....

an amazing awakening

2009-02-25T13:12:00.002-07:00

The sun streaming through my window, parted by the blinds, brings a new day.
I awaken slowly but surely from magnificent dreamscapes.
My passages across this marvelous landscape of sandstone and canyons has finally entered my dreamworld.
Ah, but this is not the main source of my happiness, no, not now.
It is not forgotten, but made so small by this wonderful glorious new chapter in my life.

Love.

I breathe deep, recalling caring and vital words of emotional exploration.
Now, there is a landscape that makes even the most lush landscapes of the world pale in comparison!
I have been patient, waiting for months, years, for a willing and intriguing explorer to join me. Is it possible that the day has finally come?

Somehow, it is becoming a nexus point for all of my inner focus and all of the ‘work’ I have been doing over the years. All of a sudden there is focus – I can see – awareness returns with a force previously unseen.
My every word, thought, action become larger, more intensified and imbued with more meaning. My responsibility grows a thousand-fold.

Here I am at the entrance to a lush, verdant valley of emotion, sharing, bonding.
I can make out landmarks ahead that are not yet clear, yet call to me. Intuition guides my gaze, I may not be able to think of these things to come, but I can feel them.

The late days of winter as spring approaches have become the most intense times of transition. For each of the last three years, this has been a time of transition and rebirth.
First, the rekindling of an old friendship matched with the adventure of a new one culminating in my first exploration of the slickrock wilderness – that which led me to my new life here in Southern Utah.

Next came the transition from a period of service (my Arches volunteer period) and living in a town that still had so many amenities to a time of living in the middle of nowhere – Boulder UT- a town of little amenities and great wilderness.
Each step was a leap further from the somewhat vague and virtual world of urban life in Chicago.

Now, after battling demons all winter long which made me want to run back to some sort of ‘cultural center’, I find myself in transition again, yet not of outer place, but of inner.
Yes there is a move of housing, of living space, and that is an element of this new transformation. But the most important part is the discovery that letting go and surrendering to life will bring forth the greatest of gifts.
I could not have asked for a more wonderful spirit to have come into my life. All of a sudden, here she is. I remember the first time our eyes ever met and how intrigued I was, how I had that notion that has come before when I have first met those who have played the most important roles in my life.
Now it appears that we shall be building something wonderful together, something that will inspire us both to rise higher, to fulfill our dreams, to take greater care with both ourselves and each other.
The fact that we shall be planting and tending to a garden is a perfect symbol for this new venture. Great care must be taken, attention be paid.
My heart and head both say to me time and again “Trust this, it is beautiful”.
And I know it is true.

With the arrival of spring comes new life, and it sure is coming!
Whether it be this new bond, an emotional relationship which just keeps expanding, or my new set of artwork to be shown through most of march and April, or the movements of a new season in the desert, with new creative opportunities and work possibilities.
All of these things are making me feel alive and glad to be here.
This is a very refreshing and invigorating thing considering the freak-outs of winter and all of the questions which I have had.

All I can really do is thank ‘that which is beyond names’ for this great gift.
I feel blessed beyond belief as my fears and anxieties dissipate and are replaced with boundless hope.

amazed

2009-02-21T11:09:00.004-07:00

so, recently i have been amazed in ways both good and bad.
there is no way to control other people's mouths. information flows freely, whether positively reinforcing or not.
the perceptions of others tend to stray from reality a bit too - or at least don't seem to match. there are misunderstandings, which then get spoken as truths to other ears.

I've been doing some work...of a sufic nature, and have found that it is misconstrued. I completely understand why and am not surprised in the least.
truthfully, i probably should not be writing about it here, and definitely should not give details as i know these words will most likely be read by the other party at some point.

Something quite common in sufi activity is the inability to understand or the misperception of those who are outside of the realm of the conscious activity that is taking place. It may appear that one thing is being done when the activity and goal of the sufi-minded is completely different. At times, this can even be construed as doing something wrong when in fact the work and goal are based in love and compassion. There is simply not always a straight line.
This is exactly what is occurring in my own life. i cannot express anything further than that about this particular activity which am involved in.

What i can write about is how the events of the past month have been acting like a mirror and revealing much.
i've been brought head to head with all of my issues and answers have been coming from random people and events.
It brings an increased level of awareness and is revealing how much inner work i have been doing and the level of integration that has actually occurred.
I'd been a bit half asleep about it over the last year during my transition to life in Utah, but once more, things are becoming increasingly clear.
I actually have a new person in my life i can thank for this. Somehow, I'm feeling a freedom of self now that i had yet to feel here.

Over the last two weeks, massive shifts have happened in my life. Inner shifts & a new, very deep and natural connection.
For many, this can be confusing as they are not used to experiencing these types of shifts in themselves or others. Then there are those that completely understand it as well. These are where the surprises happen and others reveal their inner natures and levels of awareness and maturity.

I've also been discovering the difference between those that intellectually believe and try to practice loving-kindness,and those that simply live it.
My tendency to be open when it comes to love, to freely express, if even only through my eyes (and i mean the eyes literally), to be raw, can be too much for some. It is visceral. It is real, and it can be intense, and some do not know how to accept that because it is thought that it is something being worked towards, or something always gentle, when in fact, there can be a great ecstatic passion held within it. There is also the tendency for many to believe that there is always a desired outcome or a 'return' expected from these activities. When that is not the case, it can very easily lead to confusion and misperception. This is one of the huge differences between the tenets of Buddhism and Sufism (from what i have digested over the years)
Suffering, Passion, and all of the more visceral emotions should not be viewed as something to be avoided.It is not about removal of oneself from the world, but to be in it, yet not of it - meaning to not be mired in those emotions and passions, but to let them flow freely and deepen spiritual and life experience. They are things to be experienced freely, without friction and resistance. The key seems to be to bring awareness to these things. As soon as we parcel up things we get into trouble and tension arises.

This is where the more tantric and alchemical concepts come into play. How we interact with anything that comes into our lives is our lesson. Transmutation is key- turning lead into gold, base into the refined. There is nothing in existence which does not serve the Divine. All things are possible roads to a closer and more intimate relationship with the Divine. There is an extreme subtlety to this, one which cannot be well understood by those whose foundations are built on an overly separated black/white, good/evil belief system. The problem is, that when one is steeped in morals and rules which are etched in stone, that are followed without a deepening understanding of the concepts they represent, there is not a possibility for a deeper maturity to arise. What one tends to do in that situation is basically to say they do not trust God, because they do not trust themselves - who are an aspect of God.

If one cannot face that which they fear or think may test their faith, then how can that being even begin to say that their faith has any strength whatsoever? It is a false faith, a childish one in which the pre-adolescent need for parental protection is continued into adulthood and simply projected onto an abstracted concept. It is stopping on the stairs of the temple rather than entering the inner sanctum, so to speak.
This, I would contend, is not a mature or evolving and intimate relationship with the Divine/God. It is instead a refusal to take personal responsibility for one's spiritual evolution and growth. It tends towards victim mentality. It is the life of a beggar, not a humble, wise one, but a weak one. one who has not even tried.

There must be that great trust. One must at some point come to terms with the idea that God/Life/the Divine provides. We mistakenly sometimes perceive this to not be true simply because it does not provide what we desire. Instead it provides what is needed. It is simply a matter of surrender and being able to perceive and bring awareness to the gifts one is given.

So, there i go spouting off again...saying what is on my mind and in my heart.
take it as you will.
Each person, each soul, has their own path that they must follow, and this is just one small portion of mine.
I wish you all love, peace and awareness on your own journeys.
May all be revealed.

jae's visit

2009-02-15T15:20:00.002-07:00

Jason (Jae), my old roomate from Arches came thru and stayed for about 6 days and, man, did we go out on some good hikes!

first off was Lower Calf Creek to the falls.
Kandis came along for this one and we had the canyon to ourselves except for passing a couple near the entrance when we were heading in.
I didn't take my camera on that hike for some odd reason though.

the next day we did a loop drive east on the Burr Trail & north on the Notom Road and then back over Boulder Mountain.
I'd been wanting to head through the Waterpocket Fold for a long time, and i scoped out a lot of spots to go do some hiking this season.

the following day we went on a late day hike starting at the Mail Trail trailhead by the airstrip to the north rim of Calf Creek Canyon.
While there, we spotted a Bald Eagle flying past us overhead, which i managed to capture hanging out at the Lodge's bird sanctuary the following day.

the next day, which had blustery snow off and on, we went out to teh Wolverine Petrified Wood are and drove the whole loop. we also stopped and checked out an abandoned uranium mine along the way.

the next day, before he left, we spent the morning in the north end of Dry Hollow.
I managed to finally find where the water seep starts (in a SERIOUSLY overgrown area full of thorny russian olive) as well as a granary in a side canyon.

the seep:

it was great having him over and i think he met half the town haha.
there were a few good dinner parties and good time spent in the hot tub.
I'm sure he'll be back for more hikin this summer, and i've gotta find some time to go visit hom over at arches soon too.

so far so good

2009-01-16T07:57:00.003-07:00

As the crusted snow acts like some great mirror reflecting the glory of the sun, brightening this high desert winter and making one nearly go blind without a good pair of shades , I’ve been seeking out those few spots where the sun has burned through, warming the sandstone and melting away that gorgeous white and blue blanket.
Setting foot back on that slickrock after too many days of it being hidden by the snow feels refreshing, invigorating.
I find new colors, some flecked with amazing amounts of mica, sparkling like tiny little stars under that blazing Sol.

Although I’ve been missing those hills canyons and benches, I’ve been quite busy in my ‘cave’. New songs, new paintings, grinding sand and painting with it, figuring out how to ‘outline’ my book…all of these things keeping my mental, creative and spiritual energy flowing.

It’s been really quiet out here – yet at the same time, there is a more subtle noise, something unspoken, something invigorating.
A foreshadowing of spring fever, if you will.
I feel a bit like I am in a dream world. So many elements of my life seem a bit surreal these days.
Well, when doesn’t it?
reading a mixture of Robert Anton Wilson (Quantum Psychology), Tom Robbins (Wild Ducks Flying Backwards), Hazarat Inayat Khan (Mastery), Terry Tempest Williams (Red), as well as a book by David Darling on Teleportation has got my mind churning.
I always love how I come out of periods like this with a period of ‘digestion’ and integration.
Then a new chapter starts.
I feel some very interesting undercurrents.
How to behave towards them? Well that is something I am figuring out and sometimes feel like I should not be thinking about but rather letting unfold and acting naturally about.
Winter evolves and I feel like more is revealed as that snow melts away a little more each day.

the challenge has begun

2008-12-20T17:43:00.001-07:00

Isn’t it interesting how sometimes in life we cross paths with those who show us who we truly are?
Maybe I have a tendency to look for it, but I seem to have experienced this many times in my life.
Each person, moment, adventure and time in silence can bring it.
But the best always seems to be when it is brought by another human being, another soul.
That is also when it can be the most confusing as well.
All the richer the experience, I say.

I’ve got a long winter ahead of me which is going to demand a lot of inner discipline and firing up some sort of excitement and desire to fulfill some goals.
Goals have not really been my thing. I’ve lived a rather Taoist path thus far, having a loose set of definitions as to what I am wanting my life to be. It is wearing a bit thin at times. Feeling like it has been misplaced – that there are some things in which vision and assertiveness need to be expressed.
I stumbled upon Hasrat Inyat Khan’s book on Mastery while in Denver.
It’s helping quite a bit. Putting the next piece in that puzzle. In a way, it is a guidebook to asserting and bringing forth – mastering – the gifts we have been given in order to do God’s work in the world.
For those more secularly minded and not comfortable with the word God, substitute the word “Life” or think of the cosmic energy which makes up the entire known existence. Whatever works best as the metaphor for you. Just don’t simply dismiss because of the use of the name God.
I’ve always had a problem with this implementation.
I have my waves of creativity, but very, very rarely the desire to be assertive about sharing them. Sure, I will share openly with the friends around me, but to be ‘commercially’ assertive, to participate in the ways of the world, that is where the problems lie.
So – this winter, the big idea is to overcome that – to learn how to be more assertive.

Sometimes I realize that I have for some odd reason convinced myself that I do not have permission or am not invited into the big play. I’m still trying to figure out what convinced me of this, how this notion got started.
Sometimes it turns me into a recloose. I become a bit like a ghost.
I’m not sure what to make of it.

Well, I started out writing about people we cross paths with that kind of “wake us up.’
I feel lucky to have one of those people near.
It keeps me on my toes. It gives me the spark to move forward with positive, life affirming changes.
It also leaves me sorting out my perceptions and feeling – what am I really feeling about each issue that comes up about my Nafs?
How should I face them, move through them, find peace and prosperity?

There are particular struggles that occur time and again in my life. One of the most prominent is the tension between being in Agapé or Eros. What kind of Love am I experiencing, meant to express and feel? Why is it that Love most often moves to the realm of Agapé in my life?
Am I simply not being assertive in this realm too? Do I purposefully move myself in that direction?
The desire to have someone by my side is tremendous. At the same time, it is so very selective. It is not as if I am desperate or simply want that situation.
It is that I want that soul walking by my side, in person, sharing experiences, growing, laughing and crying and experiencing the infinity of life.
Yet that other path is always tugging at me, confusing me, but I am not meant for asceticism.

It is truly going to be a challenging winter. It’s up to me whether or not that is a bad or good thing. Time to rise to the challenge to use the gifts. To celebrate them and to celebrate life, even in the quietest of times.

winter has come

2008-12-18T05:54:00.002-07:00

so, my first winter in Boulder UT has officially started.
We got our first snow early in the week and it keeps coming.
Quite a sight for the eyes to behold.

The town is now so quiet.
people are gone. no tourists.
people not leaving their homes.
it is a time of reflection and inner work.
of creative projects.
of reconfiguring my life from the inside out.
this is the kind of time that reminds me of how complex i really am.
of how bored i can become by the simple.
yet at the same time i find great peace in the land here.

there is so much inside wanting to come out.
but it is not for this post, but for something or someone else.

here are a few pictures from early in the week before heavier snowfall.
more pictures to come soon....

my backyard

a dusting of snow over lower calf creek canyon

part of Boulder

dry hollow

music...

2008-11-24T12:54:00.003-07:00

So i figured it is near the end of the year and time to compile a list of favorites.
I did not buy new music for quite a long time due to the thriftiness accompanying being a national park volunteer.
due to that, this is not going to be a list of releases solely in 2008, but rather, a list of favorite albums since I left Chicago in October 2007 - that is , what has come into my possession within that timeframe and been released at least close to within that same time.
here's the list in no particular order:

Tunng - Good Arrows
Burnt Friedman - First Night Forever
Swell Session - Swell Communications
Amorphous Androgynous - The Peppermint Tree
Iron & Wine - The Shepherd's Dog
Mercury Rev - Snowflake Midnight
Adam Franklin - Bolts of Melody
Benoit Pioulard - Temper
Atlas Sound - Let the Blind Lead Those Who Can See But Cannot Feel
Syclops - I've Got My Eye On You

other heavy spins:
The Books: The Lemon of Pink
Animal Collective - Sung Tongs
Plaid - Spokes
Rollerskate Skinny - Horsedrawn Wishes
Caribou - Up In Flames
Swervedriver - both Mezcal Head and Raise
Mercury Rev - The Secret Migration
Corker/Conboy - Radiant Idiot
Plants and Animals - Parc Avenue

sorry there are not links. i am lazy.

Ragged Cloak of Colors

2008-11-20T20:00:00.001-07:00

The search,
Ah, yes! The search
Yet what are we searching for?
Better still, what am I searching for?
Confounding
Confusing
All around amusing!

A tear shed here and there,
But it is but a passing moment
In which I care
About that pain, that confusion
That all around illusion.

Are you confused too?
Say yes and we can laugh
Out loud at this holy mess!
Stumbling as we may
Hoping for that day
When a light shines on
That target – that destination
That place which we seek.

What is it you expect and see
Within me?
Are you sure you have
Sight to see?
Or maybe you mistake my moment
For something more
And try to keep score?

To do so is to commit yourself
To some misunderstanding
Of my meaning
Of my path
Of my temporary plight.

To read into it without asking
Now, that is a folly of which I must laugh!
For that laughter burns away the anger
Which I feel towards you
Wanting me to fit some role
Some outside definition
Of who I am.

I take these ragged pieces of
Experience good and bad
And rename them,
Reclaim them
And weave them into something
Not unlike my own homemade
Dervish cloak.
My mistakes and my grandest acts
Are equals – all adding a wider palette
Of colors to this garment.
How is it that you cannot gaze upon them
When it is I whom has to wear them!
Imagine it!
I am this being
Due to those actions
This living which I have done
Enriches my understanding.

Casting judgement on this from
Some high seat of simplicity
Will not do!
Walk by my side and see for yourself
How my eyes have been opened wider
With each and every ragged bit.
With each and every glorious jewel.

You will see how all too human
both you and I are!
Playing, praying, stumbling
Rising, crying, and laughing.

So let me digest.
Let it come to rest
And trust in this
My ability to cope
To grow
To know the fullness of life.

If you just once
Let go of that judgement,
That need to control
To be safe
You just might see that side
Of me which I refuse to hide
So why hide from it?

I’m just a simple soul,
Complex in color,
Trying to walk the path to the light.
Let me bring forth your compassion
I’ll show you mine without hesitation.

Those barriers do neither you nor I
One ounce of favor.
So let them disintegrate
And relax into this.
It’s just another color
Of my cloak.

hafiz

2008-11-20T08:11:00.001-07:00

SOME FILL WITH EACH GOOD RAIN

There are different wells within your heart.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that.

In one well
You have just a few precious cups of water,
That "love" is literally something of yourself,
It can grow as slow as a diamond
If it is lost.

Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a
Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.

There are different wells within us.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far, far too deep
For that.

---------

ghazal 323

Laden with my ignorant ties
Ashamed of the courageous and wise
May a hidden hand help me rise
Or else madness becomes my prize.
Of stars and fate ask of my eyes
That watch the havens until sunrise.
I kiss the cup that me apprise
Of the world’s turnings and its disguise.
Praise of wine-sellers’ reprise
Praise of God’s bounty, why despise.
Grateful for my power and size
Unable to deal in deceit and lies.
Drunk like Hafiz, till my demise,
Hopeful of that angel’s enterprise.

Wallace Stevens

2008-11-19T09:18:00.003-07:00

a few poems by Wallace Stevens
(who was thankfully brought to my attention by Ellie)

Final Solilioquy of the Interior Paramour

Light the first light of evening
In which we rest and, for small reason, think
The world imagined is the ultimate good.

This is, therefore, the intensest rendezvous.
It is in that thought that we collect ourselves,
Out of indifferences, into one thing:

Within that single thing, a single shawl
Wrapped tightly round us, since we are poor, a warmth,
A light, a power, the miraculous influence.

Here, now, we forget each other and ourselves.
We feel the obscurity of an order, a whole,
A knowledge, that which arranged the rendezvous.

Within its vital boundary, in the mind.
We say God and the imagination are one...
How high that highest candle lights the dark.

Out of this same light, out of central mind,
We make a dwelling in the evening air,
In which being there together is enough.

-------

A High-Toned Old Christian Woman

Poetry is the supreme fiction, madame.
Take the moral law and make a nave of it
And from the nave build a haunted heaven. Thus,
The conscience is converted into palms,
Like windy citherns hankering for hymn.
We agree in principle. That's clear. But take
The opposing law and make a peristyle,
And from the peristyle project a masque
beyond the planets. Thus, our bawdiness,
Unpurged by epitaph, indulged at last,
Is equally converted into palms,
Squiggling like saxaphones. And palm for palm,
Madame, we are where we began. Allow,
Therefore, that in the planetary scene
Your disaffected flagellants, well-stuffed,
Smacking their muzzy bellies in parade,
Proud of such novelties of the sublime,
Such tink and tank and tunk-a-tunk-tunk,
May, merely may, madame, whip from themselves
A jovial hullabaloo among the spheres.
This will make widows wince. But fictive things
Wink as they will. Wink most when widows wince.

new hikes

2008-11-17T21:30:00.003-07:00

I was lucky enough to finally take my first hike on Boulder Mountain thanks to my wonderful friend Kandis. see her blogpost about it here including pics.
We hiked around the King's Pasture area.
a couple of days later, Kandis, Jess, Elizabeth and myself hiked out along Haymaker Bench to the south side of the big bluff/ledge that is between the main bench area and Boulder Creek. We found a route up to the top of the Bench but since the sun was setting, all of us but Jess backtracked and he hotfooted it over and down.
I plan on making my own way to the top eventually and exploring a bit up there, possibly doing some camping up there too.
anyway, here are some pics...

Boulder Mountain:

Kandis...

Haymaker Bench:

365 review

2008-11-02T22:10:00.002-07:00

tonite i went back and looked at the pictures that i took for the 365 days group on flickr back in late '06 and early '07.I did not finish the entire 365 days, but did make it over 200. the year of pics was interrupted by my camping/road trip through utah and the 4 corners area.
it is incredible how life changes, how we go through so much
i am amazed at how melodramatic i could get. I feel so much more balanced these days.
I've been a very lucky man in this life and have managed to bring some really great changes into my life over the past few years.
looking at those pics solidified it for me.
it is strange to look back at that life in Chicago.
I feel like i have matured so much since then.
some examples:

you can check out the whole photo set here
and all of my photo sets here
tons and tons of hiking pics, graf pics, random city pics, life pics, etc....

Night Sky

2008-11-01T20:58:00.004-07:00

The night sky overflowing
Pouring forth its milky stars
I gaze in wonder
Such bliss
This existence
Pouring into my Soul!

I weep for those moments
In which I had forgotten!
Alas, my heart swells
Like the sweetest overripe fruit.
The skin splitting and
Dripping with the sweet nectar
Of the Divine.

How did I ever lose sight of this?
Ah, 'twas so I could return and enjoy it
That much more!

The earthly guise of That Love
Flowers right here beside and inside of me
To have looked elsewhere was to be a fool.
For it is right here,
Reminding me
That all I need is to open
And be the
Love Love Love!

I can feel the warmth
Of that Loving Embrace
That Gift one cannot ask for
Which simply presents itself
In another Soul
Whom one is blessed enough
To share a moment,
even one glance!

There is not enough thanks in the world for that!

Yet I bow graciously,
Knowing,
Feeling the Divine Spark
Ignite,
Pass between us
And instill the warmth
Of that eternal blaze
In my Heart.

The thought of a cold winter fades.
There is no shortage of warmth here!
So, come sit by my fire,
And discover that it is not mine,
but Yours!
I'm just the hearth!
A spark of it has merely jumped here
So that You can witness
That which tends to hide in the self.

We'll tell stories of
The lived life
Ecstatic becoming
And sorrows of the heart.
Healing, Loving, Exploring.

Then, in that unmovable,
Unshakable silence,
We will take rest with
Divine smiles across our faces,
Knowing, that for a moment
We've touched Heaven.

Desert artwork

2008-10-28T10:23:00.002-07:00

this first one is one i finished in early summer here in Boulder.
it is 16x20 and done with water mixable oils on stretched canvas.
seems to me to be the desert trickster - a little surrealist coyote spirit.

this next one is the painting i am currently working on.
I am inspired by all of the faces i see in the rocks out here.
this is a kind of surrealist take on a navajo sandstone petrified dune thing.
lots of work to do still.
same dimensions and mediums as above painting

Farid

2008-10-27T21:32:00.003-07:00

a few poems by Farid-U-Din-Attar
from "Fifty Poems of Attar" translated by Kenneth Avery and Ali Alizadeh

-

Love of the Beloved burned me like a candle, head to foot.
My soul-bird burned like a moth, wing and feather.

The fire of her love smoked my heart like aloes;
then her fire consumed both the smoke and the aloes.

A coal from her face fell into the desert:
both worlds burned like kindling from her ember.

I was to offer my soul to the soul-mate.
the Beloved outsmarted me; I got burnt.

There's nothing left of my blood or flesh, but ash;
the zealous fire burned me altogether.

When I scattered the ashes upon her street
the blaze of disdain struck and charred the remains.

So I said: I've been reduced to particles.
She said: That may be, but all particles shall burn.

In Attar's state of neither being nor not being,
neither doubt nor trust, the pious and the infidel both burn.

-

I got drunk at the tavern last night;
howling, dancing, drinking the wine-dregs.

As my heart's fervour topped the flagon
the fire of my heart brought it to the boil.

The Master of the Tavern heard my noise
and said: Enter, cloak wearing boy!

I told him: Master, how do you know me?
He said: Don't speak of yourself. Be quiet.

Take up the faith of the tavern swindlers.
Throw off your cloak and your prayer-mat.

Become the gambler, the thug, the dervish;
yell out abuse among the hoodlums.

Shed the ascetics' purity with scorn;
drink the lovers' wine-dregs with pleasure.

Tear the mask of metaphors from your eyes;
take the cotton of reproach out of your ears.

You aren't you while you're at peace with yourself.
Rip down your veil and wrangle with yourself.

The depth of your heart is an endless world.
face the direction of that world attentively.

Attar's treasure for one hundred souls.
How much would you pay for it, jewel-seller?

the upward climb

2008-10-27T13:27:00.002-07:00

So, today has been productive so far.
Paycheck to the bank...then setting the stage.
Ordered a bunch of art supplies - canvas panels, acrylic gel medium for my sand art, stretched canvas, a box of pastels, pastel paper pad.... gotta make sure i have supplies for the creative season, ya know.
Then i went on over to amazon to see what i could find to help with research for my book.
One of the main threads of my book will be basing it off of the 7 valleys in Farid - Uddin Attar's Conference of the Birds. I discovered that there is a newer rendition of those valleys called The Seven Valleys by Baha'u'llah. then i found some pretty promising teleportation research materials.
maybe this book will have a little more hard science in it than i thought it would.
it feels good to be getting things lined up for some projects.
Now i want to actually do some creating today too.
what i am not sure yet.
but i will figure it out.

questions

2008-10-26T20:52:00.002-07:00

so, what exactly am i doing?
over the last several days i have been asking myself this and having to look back and face some questions that i have yet to really answer.
What was my real reason for moving to Utah?
The original trip i took which brought me here enraptured me.
This landscape is truly marvelous beyond belief.
but i have been caught up in it too much.
Hiking has become obsession, and while thoroughly enjoyable, I'm afraid i have let it move me away from my creative side a bit too much.

I've always had difficulties focusing on projects.
I am great at manifesting ideas, but putting them into action can be a different thing altogether.
some of you know of the book project. the idea has existed for a couple of years now and i have all of 652 words written. not good.
I have not created art in months, nor music. one song at Arches (plus a remix of it) and one song here in Boulder.
I started a new medium with my art at Arches, but have not continued it here.yet.
though i have painted one and a half paintings since coming to boulder.
the slow season is now upon us out here, and i will have much more time for these things, yet i find myself not really feeling i have the proper workspace to do them in.

There has been a great amount of escape involved in all of this.
Escape from Chicago - from a job that i did not like and did me very little good, from relationship/friendship patterns that caused inner turmoil and unanswered things, from high financial burdens.
but there has been a great cost as well.
until very recently, i'd been pretty much alone and on my own here in Boulder. it was not until a week ago that i even stepped into the house of another Boulderian.
a sad sad thing.
The last few weeks though, have brought a great friendship that i cherish. yet i need to make sure that i do not overcompensate for the time alone.
don't get me wrong, time spent with this wonderful new compadre is time extremely well spent. i love it.
but I'm still feeling that something big is missing here for me.
It could be the uneasiness I have about my own creativity.
there is an element of missing the types of psychological, philosophical and spiritual discussion i had in Chicago as well.
those are the very things that drive me and i thrive on, and to not have that kind of connection here is proving difficult. it is not that i believe i will not find it here, but that i have not yet found it.
I feel it is so great that people here are so 'of the earth' yet that is only half of what i need. I'm also a man of the 'quantum world' of the 'great evolution'
the more i've found my own awareness and become more critical in my thinking and feeling, the more i have found myself outside of any particular cultural group.

I remember back in the late nineties when Stacie and I met with this goofy 'monk' woman named Bovany. She told us some new agey stuff that was interesting yet a bit full of fluff. when she had my birthtime (sidenote: when another guy did my chart, i remember him giving me the strangest look and saying he had not really seen a chart like it before also said my mid thirties would be a time of intense change - which they were and have been) and looked at my chart, she mentioned how i am one that is meant to connect- i am inbetween. and that is truly how i feel a times. there is such an art to learning how to help people connect, to connect ideas, philosophies, etc. it can be rather taxing. it is one of the few things in life that i feel obsessed about - at least the ideas and beliefs part.
that is supposedly the reason for writing my book. i can;t seem to find a forum for myself outside of that.
anything online just gets me riled up in ways i do not feel are healthy because posting on threads just gets out of control and most do not take the time to really read what the words say and just react. discussion boards get heated.
sometimes it is very difficult to be one who thinks and speaks outside of the box.
people tend to not want to hear it.
living in a place where i can't really get a lot of feedback doesn't help when it comes to dealing with debate and such either. there is simply not the discourse that is needed for me to be able to refine and practice that kind of interaction. and i do not really want to do it on the web.
i would much rather do it in person. there is too much to body language and intonation that is not expressed in written words.
(yet i think about writing a book - crazy , eh?)

I guess i am feeling a bit lost.
I can;t really get a vision for what is to come. Would there be another place i would like to live? if so, how to make that happen? how to have the funds needed? getting a new job in this current economy?
Boulder has been able to provide what i need to survive without any surplus. a lot of that is due to having to replace things this year - cellphone - car, computer.
Heck i think i've only made about 7 grand so far this year.

with things winding down here in Boulder, i simply wonder how winter will be.
it is going to be a test. the 3 restaurants close (not that i go to them often), the seasonal people leave and it pretty much closes up. fund will dry out too - as i will be down to about 20 to 25 hours of work a week.
that makes for great time to work on those creative projects though.
I simply wish that i felt inspired towards them.
it is as if i have finally come to some existentialist nihilistic point that i swore i would never come to. i am having trouble finding any real meaning or purpose behind any of these activities. entertaining myself with them is just not enough.
i suppose this means that i am at a blank slate as well and can create whatever meaning i want to.
i'm just feelin kind of.... stuck.
feeling i need to visit a larger place as well. i have not been in a place bigger than Moab (5,000) since march. and before that it had been since october.

hard to believe i have been out here for a year already.

I am sure i will figure it all out, i always do somehow, at least enough to get me goin until the next questions arise.

i feel as if i have to temper myself too much here.i can't be myself full blown. i think it would scare people- or maybe, for the first time in my life, make enemies or people who really do not like me (not that i do things to be liked, but in a town of 200, better to have a good relationship with most of the town - especially in UT)
truth is that i find that the kind of thought i espouse and practice is not necesarily welcome anywhere, especially in an election year like this one.
I've developed a very low tolerance for political self righteousness on any side.
I personally do not think people are really prepared for what is to come, a change that will be beyond belief and will have nothing to do with politics. another reason for my book - and no i am not new agey about some damn 2012 we are all going to the center of the galaxy crap. plus i am one of those batards that would refuse to go and stay behind to help those that could not make it due to their lack of spiritual evolution or whatever. funny how those that think they are going find that their spiritual evolution that earns them the right includes abandoning the rest of humanity. sounds a bit selfish if you ask me and not very holy.
but i digress...
I've got monday off and i've gotta find something good to do with it.
too bad i have no ideas beside 'hike'

I've got a Rumi book on the way this week, so that will be good medicine.

accept

2008-10-21T20:14:00.001-07:00

A door
A door
Always a door
Where does it lead?
So many moments spent on the threshold
Alas!
I walk through
Once more!

That dark hallway
Fills with light
Upon my first step
How did I doubt?
How could I?
When every single step
Has brought more than before!

It matters not where that doorway leads
Open places of light
Or dark caverns
My torch burns bright and
I bring light there!
Everywhere!

To grasp is to lose
The choice is there
To be awake
Or to snooze
Which will it be?
I ask myself reflectively.

Aha!
What is this?
Some experience of Bliss
Tinged with desire’s despair
One more thing to overcome
In this lair.

A labyrinth of intrigue
Of questions unanswered
Expanding contractions
Will I remain centered?

Awareness teases me
As I ache for that
Un-namable
Infinite feeling
Which only comes when one lets go
And walks with The Friend
Hand in hand.

The transient, the here-now
Reflecting that infinity
Reminding me of
The Great One
The taste of Love
Which permeates all things
If only we have eyes to see,
Ears to hear,
Skin to touch.

Nothing is excepted
All inclusive being
How can there be poison
When The Friend is All Things?
Ah, the choices
The questions,
The dreams and desires
How they lead to suffering-
That razor which cuts away
All of the dross.
To embrace that which brings
Suffering, change,
Questions and complications
Leads straight into the storm
Of evolving expression.

How can I deny that which
Propels me into the deepest realms?
My inner complexity confounds me in
A world of simplicity.

The desert winds ripping the unneeded flesh
From my bones
Exposing my soul,
The core of my being
Do you have eyes to see?
or are you simply another somnambulist
Who chooses the shore instead of the ocean deep?

Does my mixture of metaphors confuse?
Confound?
So be it!
For I am everywhere and all times!
Awakening in every moment from my walk of slumber.
Over and over
As my humanity dances
With that divine spark
In a heliacal dance upwards
Towards the Heavens.

Such a beautiful
Bittersweet inner torment
To behold beauty beyond compare
Held at arm’s length
Able to observe, to drink it all in,
Yet not to commune
In the fullest degree.

I ask too much of this world,
Yet never enough
The Fire!
Let it burn all I see and touch
with It’s Golden Light
transforming the base into
the refined.

Everywhere I Look
I taste,
I breathe,
It fills me

I cannot deny this beautiful gift
This life I have been given.
Gifts have been trampled, abandoned
And dismissed
NO MORE!
The Friend’s Divine Wine flows forth from me!
It matters not if a single soul
Does see
The cork has been removed
Richness flows forth
And I will fill every cup
Which is held beneath my stream.

Simply take notice.
Come, partake,
For I cannot hold it in another day!
I shall not fit into the expected,
The common,
The veil set forth by so many men.
Tis the gift I have been given
And I accept.
Do you?

current obsessions

2008-10-21T11:13:00.003-07:00

gonna try to regularly update y'all on my tastes or what i am ingesting at least...

Currently reading/just read and going to read soon:

Nine Kinds of Naked by Tony Vigorito
Paul of Dune by Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson
River of Gods by Ian McDonald >
The Garden of Heaven - Poems of Hafiz (Dover Thrift Edition)

currently listening to:

Caribou - Up in Flames & The Milk of Human Kindness
The Books - The Lemon of Pink
The Politik - s/t
Swervedriver - Mezcal Head
The Verve - Forth

other obsessions and pleasurable things:
hanging with my great friend Kandis,
hiking the north end of Calf Creek Canyon,
exploring Dry Hollow,
developing creative ideas for winter.

thoughts

2008-10-21T06:55:00.005-07:00

so, i may actually try to post a few more pics on this blog...update people on hikes and such.
I've pretty much been posting all of that stuff over at Flickr, but it wouldn't hurt to put a few random photos or hiking stories on here too.

I can feel the fall changes coming on and it feels sooo goood....

here are a few random pics from recent hikes:

on a saddle between dry hollow and boulder creek

volcanic toadstool in dry hollow

iron concretion capped hoodoo in dry hollow

side canyon east of calf creek canyon looking towards the escalante river

ol' sleepy head in side canyon off of escalante river

inverted seasons

2008-10-11T16:23:00.003-07:00

the high desert
canyons of solid sand
silence
bringing one to gaze
at an internal mirror.

solitude
disconnected from the world
in ways unexpected and
liberating.

loneliness sprouts it's head above the dry ground
once and again
reminding me of the importance
of connections...
...they come randomly
and unexpected
a reversal of seasons-
fall comes and with it
a meeting of souls

a cornucopia of overflowing compliments
i feast as if it is my last meal
have i been starving all of this time
and simply not noticing?

many things falling away
making room for more
problems come and fade away
money thrown out the door
yet what is this i see come in
a wealth beyond compare
replacing gifts with things earned
walking a razor of have and have not
placing value where it deserves to be placed.
not simply where it is desired.

my inner self fruits in winter
in the cold months
after being basked in the sun of summer
out on the hot slickrock slopes
and deep canyons
in those places of silence
where only the wind, the sound of the avians
skittering lizards, my own footsteps
my breathing and beating heart
dance across my eardrums.
a gentle rhythm nurturing all of that
creation growing inside.
letting those thoughts float
in the background of my subconscious mind
knitting together their own stories.

they are sprouting
as the cold blustery winds of fall move in.
with only a moons phase or two
until the time is ripe
and the fruits are available to be expressed
in this physical world.

it only feels right that a new source of support
reveals itself at its proper time
unexpected and feeding my fire.
with simple words, a deeply felt look,
a wonderful smile.

the desert is a wonderful place, my friends,
if one is willing to face ones self
without most of the distractions of modern life.
one has to face it all out here.
and one has to face nothing at all.
a beautiful contradictory examination of life.

spend some time in a place like this,
and all of a sudden the absurdity of most of civilization
can't be ignored.

I'm glad i took this risk.
this new life is rich beyond belief,
and so am I.

rebuilding

2008-09-02T06:39:00.002-07:00

So, the last post was a bit of a downer I guess.
i personally did not see it that way, i was simply taking account of the happenings of the earlier part of the year.
I'm one who does not really fear loss or trouble. over the years i have learned very well through experience how these things always make room for new life and new opportunities.
to be too attached to things is what causes the strife, and i have learned to be somewhat detached, not that i do not care, but that i am always coming to a deeper, fuller understanding of the nature of change.

so...to spin positive on the things that have happened so far this year...

- I'm living in an amazing place - beautiful and relatively stress free except for typical self created small town drama (created by others) that i tend to ignore.
- my laptop breaking allowed me to prove to myself that i could make the repair myself, and i did!
- losing my cellphone allowed me to get the one i really wanted in the first place, a rugged phone that is more fitting to my location and lifestyle.
- the dodge neon dying allowed me to get the first car i have owned myself since high school, an 87 AMC Eagle, which can get me to more places that i wish to go out here with its high clearance and 4 wheel drive capabilities.
- just recently started a second job at Hills & Hollows, the local general store, which is providing the opportunity to meet many many more of the locals, as well as interact more with tourists coming through.
- looks like i will be living in one of the lodge rooms for winter (rent free) since it will be really slow and there will not be many hours of work available.
this will give me plenty of time to create: art, photos, my book, etc. in preparation for next season.
- even though i am not moving to Portland with my wonderful friend Blair, I am lucky enough to have an ever growing and meaningful friendship with her which i simply thrive on! Truly an amazing and brilliant woman.

i am sure there are plenty of other things that i could come up with that are positive...
but heck, the point is to enjoy and live them, not to catalog them.

I am going to attempt to post more often 9as i have said so many times before)
maybe it will help me get more into the habit of writing and getting started on my book.
time will tell....

trials of summer '08 (deathrider RIP)

2008-08-03T09:59:00.001-07:00

This summer has been quite challenging.
So far though, I have managed to keep my head up and not fall into depression, well, maybe a slight one off and on, but nothing a good hike won’t burn out of my system.

It seems that the world of possessions and finances wants to challenge me as much as it can.
Working in a small town in the middle of no-where in southern utah makes for low wages and not many hours. Doing housekeeping at a lodge is alright, but not very rewarding…
Going into that from 6 months of volunteering at a national park does not help monetarily either.
The troubles started a few months ago when Sierra Trading Post accidentally doubled one of my orders and sent me into a negative balance spin.
Add to it that I have to drive 30 miles to get groceries…
Then about a month ago I lost my cell phone and had to buy a new one.
I’d never lost or damaged a phone before, so I did not have insurance.
Once again a small (les than $4) overdraft sent me into a tailspin that cost me a few hundred.
Then on July 31st, my car decided that the timing belt needed to break, which trashed the engine – DEAD.
Luckily it happened close enough to my Moab on a trip over here and I have AAA.
So i managed to at least get into town and a friend of mine is willing to drive me back to Boulder.
Now comes the challenge of having almost no money, no car , and being in nowheresville and having to hitch rides to get groceries. Luckily I am able to stock up here and will not have to go shopping for food for awhile.

All of this has made it impossible to save up any money for a future move, back to moab for winter or elsewhere, and I am having a difficult time deciding exactly what to do with myself for winter.
At the same time, it is definitely throwing me back into what it is I really NEED to be doing – writing, making art, music, etc.
Not having a vehicle for awhile will definitely keep me from being able to go out hiking., so I will need to use that time for other things. It won’t be a matter of choice, but necessity.

I think one of the most difficult things about this car situation is that it happened on the way over to visit my wonderful friend Blair while she is stopping thru on her way to her move to Portland. I have not been able to see her yet and since her car is completely full of her belongings, she is not able to give me a ride into town or to a trailhead or what have you for the plans that we had made.
So, everything, the most simple things, are becoming challenges.
Yet I am not panicked or tense – at least not enough to make me feel ill. Ha
I trudge on thru the challenges.
What else is there to do?
At times I have felt like sobbing over the past few days, but I haven’t.
I’ve held it together.
Not that a good cry would not release some pressure, mind you.
I just hope that my friend pulls through and takes me back home and does not flake out on me. I doubt he will, but one never knows…
So today is another day of waiting to see what happens, living in the moment, and trusting in life.
Somehow it will all work out.
It’s got to, right?

warped historical perspective part 1

2008-06-24T08:33:00.004-07:00

how long must a way of life be practiced in order for it to become a tradition?

what makes me ask this question at this time?

a combination of things -
I'm currently rereading the Dune Chronicles which places a huge emphasis on tradition and adaptation.
Do we follow ways of being by rote - by being culturally programmed?
or is there the possibility of a greater freedom of vision and adaptation?
what are the potential outcomes of these differing views?

I am going to attempt to put into words some of my thoughts about the subject...thoughts which are constantly evolving, which should clue you in a little bit on which 'side' of this discussion i currently reside.

As a species, traditions definitely can have a positive function.
They pass down information, ways of dealing with the world and our interconnections
with each other.
They work marvelously on a local and regional basis, most likely being originally created in accord with a balanced relationship with the local biome.
examples...how to plant crops to grow with the regional climate, how to relate to the local flora and fauna in order to MAINTAIN a symbiotic relationship which ensures the proliferation and continuation of a sustainable living system.
When tradition flourishes in this regard, it could be considered to be of evolutionary advantage.

There are a few areas where tradition runs into trouble though, where it becomes a process of devolution.
One instance is when it becomes steeped in abstract thought - thought and belief not rooted in the physical world.
In these instances, human concepts tend to over-rule symbiotic relationships, and Taker relationships (to use a Daniel Quinn term)evolve with the biome.
These type of relationships tend to be rooted in a psychology that is akin to parasitism and mimic the activity of cancer cells.
Gluttony and Greed tend to dominate this way of being and inevitably lead to deeper problems such as famine, plague and the like.

This way of being also has a tendency to want to enforce itself on a universal basis rather than existing in a regional form, ignoring local biomes and symbiotic relationships in preference to 'easily controlled' (not really) monoculture.
Whn one believes that things should be similar everywhere, not only are they creating a psychologically and physically violent culture, they are at war with existence and evolution itself.
Evolution has a tendency towards diversification, not homogenization.
The less diversity there is, the less likely the system is capable of adaptation to change, and change is the one and only constant.

Now, do not think that i am all for an 'anything goes' attitude. There are certain cultural values and traditions which reinforce evolutionary advantageous traits.
it matters not whether they are physical , mental, spiritual or emotional, all of these things are of great importance.
to deny any one attribute of our existence is to handicap ourselves.

Many times I have come across people claiming that their way of life is a tradition which cannot be questioned even though that 'tradition' lacks longevity.
This is where i notice an extremely warped sense of time and history.

I am going to use a local example from where i currently live - one that could easily put my physical wellbeing in danger if it was spoken within earshot of a group of members of this 'tradition'.
Ranching. specifically in the Escalante Canyons area.
There was an immense uproar from locals back in 1996 when Bill Clinton passed an act that created the Grand Staircase Escalante National Monument and declared that millions of acres of wilderness in Southern Utah were to be protected.
People in the local town of Escalante even hung effigies in the street and vandalized cars of 'greenies' during this period.
I myself have even met with the blank wall of attempting to say hello to a rancher while filling up next to him at a local gas station. why? probably because i had my National Park Service Volunteer hat in my back window.
These ranchers claim that their traditional way of life is being attacked by outsiders.
Yes, some outsiders have changed the way the land is dealt with in this area, but with good reason, a reason that should not be ignored, and by many of the ranchers doing so, they prove that their relationship to this landscape is decidedly not in balance or sacred, but rather that of the Taker variety.
There are still grazing easements in the Monument, and for part of the year, the ranchers are allowed to let their cattle graze in some of the canyons and flats of the monument.
Any hiker which has traversed any of the areas where these easements exist can tell you that it has a devastating effect.
Droppings are everywhere, making water that is naturally rather clean and in many cases safe to drink straight from the creeks undrinkable without filtration do to Giardia introduced by the cattle droppings. And that is just one aspect.
The cattle also tear the heck out of the cryptobiotic soil crust, the lifeblood of desert soil- a lichen, fungus, algae symbiotic relationship which holds the soil together, absorbs moisture during the brief and rare rains, and puts nitrogen into the soil. One step on this crust will kill it and it takes many years to recover. older crust can take up to 100 years to reach the growth level it was at.

Other problems exist with the destruction of young plant life, such as Cottonwood trees. Cattle have been eating all of the young shoots of the next generation of trees, so there is a complete generation of them missing in many locations.
They also will not eat sage, so sage stands are growing wider and grasses are disappearing.
a good book to read about some of these problems as well as the feel of the Escalante Canyons is Singing Stone by Thomas Fleischner.

While the ranchers would consider their way of life 'traditional', it is important to realize that white folks have only been settled in this region for a bit over a hundred years (200 tops).
When viewed in terms of human history, that hundred years or so is just a very small blip in time.
The ranching way of life is an IMPORTED way of being which is not based or developed in balance with the local biome.
This area was once heavily occupied by aboriginals, usually referred to as Anasazi.
Chert chippings and work stations abound in this area, and my home is less than a quarter mile from the Anasazi State Park, where there is a 36 room collection of ruins on display.
The Anasazi did NOT ranch. They were hunters and gatherers and possibly did a small amount of farming.
Boulder is lucky enough to be the first town downstream from Boulder Mountain, which makes for a decent water supply for being in the high desert. There are many irrigation channels (small man made streams) which bring water into town and onto ranches.
I've noticed that many do not practice the type of water conservation that should be practiced due to this supply of water.

If we are to survive and thrive as a species which is in balance with our surroundings, we must evolve our understanding of tradition and cultural programming.

to be continued...

short and simple

2008-05-06T19:57:00.003-07:00

One thing i have noticed reccurring over and over is the fact that Europeans do not tip.
well, i know it cannot be made as a blanket statement, but it seems to be true for the majority of Europeans.
I know that many people would make an excuse, that they do not have to tip within their own culture, so they do not know better.
my question is this: how many Europeans complain that Americans are dense or stupid or ignorant and do not behave in a proper cultural manner when visiting European countries?
and if it is true that many Europeans think that way, then why would they ever believe that they have the right to come to another country and behave in teh very way which they complain about?
Isn't it their responsibility to uphold local customs?
if there is one pet peave I have developed in my life it is when people disallow others a form of behavior or way of being and then perform or live in said manner themselves.
Considering the current exchange values, one would think they could spare a buck or two in order to show some appreciation for the service given.

I remember hearing Alex Jones (who I am not exactly a fan of) ranting about how America is turning into a 3rd world service economy designed to serve Europe and the NWO elite.
Whether true or not, the fact that we are turning more nto a service economy, mixed with the economic 'recession' and fewer Americans taking vacations this year, pretty much means that those working in the service industry which serves vacationers and tourists in general will be suffering.
The ratio of European Tourists is rising and if the tourist industry is relying on their money more than ever, that pretty much means that the people working in tourist industry jobs should expect to make less in tips this season.

What do you think?

powerbook blues

2008-04-29T19:34:00.002-07:00

just as i am feeling the urge to write, have a ton more pics to post...
the dc power input to my powerbook gives out.
ouch.
so here i sit typing away on my roomie's pc...
my internet presence will be down for a bit as i figure things out, but i'll be around.
lots on my mind and there will be tons to post i am sure.
such an inteesting spring.
who knew simplicity would be so interesting?
ha!

one month along

2008-04-23T14:30:00.003-07:00

so, it's almost hard to believe that i have now been in Boulder Utah for a month!
I've gotta tell ya, at times i get a little cabin fever...there's not really any social life here, at least not that i have found yet.
It's been a time of change and clearing the slate in many ways.

Plans for fall changed... Portland? probably not.
I'm thinking it would probably be for the best anyway, as I have the high desert in my blood and even with the lack of spoiled urban availability of things and experiences, I am thinking that i prefer the ability to drive a few miles and walk out into the middle of wilderness.

So many people, many of my best friends included, get caught up in the need to make a name for themselves or be producing in some sense - whether it be art, personality, monetary or career success....
to tell the truth, I am simply not interested.
maybe I should explain in a little more depth.

I thoroughly enjoy creating, whether it be art, music, thought patterns, ideas, lifestyle, etc.
yet i find myself not interested in accolades.
I don't create in order to obtain acceptance or to make a mark.
I invest in the sheer joy and experience of the act of creation.
it does not matter what other people think or feel about it.
It is an are of personal exploration and growth.
This, to me, is true freedom.

Do not get me wrong, it is not that i do not pay heed to how my creative aspects affect others, I attempt to be as much in tune with that as possible. i consider it to be a kind of feedback loop.
maybe i am actually a bit scientific about it - which would surprise many.
i consider it all a part of evolution of the personal sort.
psychological, spiritual, and heck, maybe physical too, who knows?

I've had a lot rolling thru my head over the last week, and i hope to get to writing it out soon.
more ideas to integrate into my book, more connections with the development of our current society and world views, more insight into why people behave the way they do (including myself of course!)
I don't want to make this a long meandering post, so i will save most of that stuff for later.

lack of noise, media contamination, and abstracted politics has helped me have a head that is much more clear and centered.
having to make efforts to buy food, especially good produce, for which i have to drive 90 miles, as well as other items that urban dwellers take for granted really grounds a person.

I'm living in one of the final frontiers of America.
the Escalante River and Henry Mountains were tha last river and mountain range to be cartographed on this continent by euro settlers.
plus, only a quarter mile north of me is a 35 room Anasazi site.
wilderness - nature - elemental existence right outside my door.
heck, i could go out 10 miles and be lost in the wild here.
yet, here i am with DSL and Google Earth...
I've got the best of both worlds without being spoiled.
so, even though there is not a real social scene, local grocery store, or even an ATM or bank in Boulder, I am feeling like one of the luckiest humans alive.

Hello Boulder

2008-03-20T17:40:00.002-07:00

well, I am in Boulder finally, but not moved into the room in Eddie's house yet.
staying in the lodge tonight.
i must say the view from my room is spectacular.

I'll fill you in on the drama of driving over the mountain later...

Vail Pass damage

2008-03-16T15:07:00.002-07:00

So, I really wish I had pictures of my accident while driving through the Vail Pass on I70 on my way to Denver, but I do not.
here is a brief synopsis:
Left Moab on Thursday morning to drive to my sister's place in Denver, the first stop on my way to Minneapolis to pick up my cat Noona, whom my wonderful friends Patty and Elizabeth have been watching for the last 6 months since I could not have her in park housing.
The weather was pretty damn good until I got to Vail Pass, a notoriously bad winter spot (elev. around 12,400 feet)
It was slushy and snowy up there, and traffic kept throwing icey slush on my windshield.
As I approached exit 176, a pick up truck got in front of me and coated my windshield, leaving me pretty much blinded except for seeing his tail lights.
he took the exit without signaling and it seemed that i as heading for the exit sign and guardrail, so i chose to aim for the exit.
My speed was a bit too high and i fishtailed, eventually hitting the front bumper on the right snowbank (losing the left driving light (foglight) and loosening the right.
it cracked the bumper on the driver side, cracked the windshield washer tank too.
I then did a 360 and the rear of the car went up onto the right snowbank with the rear wheels ending up about 3 inches off the ground and the car balanced on it's midsection.
I called AAA and they said an estimated time of 120 minutes to come get me off of there.
In the meantime, 4 people stopped to make sure I was ok and then the police and emergency crew came to check me out.
They were all amazing.
A Sergeant named Annette checked all of my info and wrote up the accident report and said she would call in a tow that would get there right away.
She was really excellent to deal with.
within 10 minues the tow was there and he winched me off and hey sent me on my way.
the only real damage was that the muffler came undone from a hanger and the driver side rear tire broke it's seal (though not completely flat).
I limped to the nearest service station, which was one exit back, and had a driver follow me the whole way to make sure i was ok.
The guy at teh shop fixed the tire and rehung the muffler for only 25 bucks!
I could hardly believe that within an hour and a half (maybe less) i had had the accident and recovered and was back on my way for only 25 dollars!

The exhaust probably got a bit more damage, cus it is definitely louder than before, and i think there may be a small leak in the filling tube to the gas tank cus if i top it off the first couple of gallons go really quickly.
My gas mileage is possibly down a bit too, but not anything drastic.

I made it to Minneapolis with no further problems and have been having a great time hanging out with Patty, Elizabeth, Brett and P & E's parents.
we went to a party last night and today drove over a short ways into Wisconsin to an antique store so patty could check out a spinning wheel which she ended up purchasing.

I've got the car all ready to head back west and am looking forward to finally being in my new home in Boulder.

When I first got here, Noona cursed me out in her catty way, hissing and saying all kinds of cat talk to me.
after about an hour she came out and made peace and now will not let me out of her sight.
P & E say that they have not seen her this happy!
Helps me know that she will be okay with leaving in the morning.
I am sure it will be fun to get her in the carrier though....
2 stops along the way...
Denver for a night and then Moab to get my belongings.
Vail pass is looking to be in good condition from the Colorado road conditions site and i hope it stays that way!

last day

2008-03-11T10:29:00.002-07:00

so, it is my last day working at Arches National Park.
It has been an amazing time and a truly wonderful crew to work with.

in half an hour I will be done with my last shift behind the information desk, then it is time to make my big hike up to Satori Rock, where I will place my broken walking stick as an offering of thanks to the spirits of this land.
Satori Rock, as I call it, Sits like a buddha above the north end of teh Petrified Dunes, a lone spire of Dewey Bridge Member red sandstone.

I know i will be back here to visit, but it's time for the next adventure.

I hit the road thursday to go get Noona in Minneapolis.
an extra special thanks to Patty and Elizabeth for taking care of her for me.
then it is back in this direction and on to Boulder, UT.
I should arrive there around the 18th or 19th.

Boulder, UT, here i come!

2008-03-01T14:05:00.003-07:00

so...went to check out the Boulder Mountain Lodge on Wednesday...
super sweet spot. looks like i will be working thee for summer.
May try to work at the Hell's Backbone Grill a few nights a week as well.
when not working hard, I will be playing hard, as there are seemingly infinite hiking possibilities in the area.

Looks like i will be renting from one of the maintenance guys named Eddie for a couple of hundred a month.
that means low expenses and an easy time saving up bread for my end of summer move to Portland with Blair.

There is a small general store/gas station in town that has a decent amount of organic food goodies and is attached to a bakery that makes fire oven pizza.
but to go to a grocery store I will have to drive 28 miles to Escalante to the SW via HWY 12- a drive i will not mind at all as it is one of the most beautiful drives I have ever made.

only 10 more days at Arches...last day is March 11th
so surreal!

trippin balls

2008-02-29T15:17:00.001-07:00

recent news from Canyonlands Island in the Sky as reported on the NPS Morning Report page...

(oh Blair, look what you missed by having to leave already!)

Canyonlands National Park (UT)
Drug Overdose Results In Charges

On February 23rd at around 3:30 P.M., a male individual called 9-1-1 from his cell phone and stated that his friend was having a medical emergency. The individual could provide only vague information as to their location within the park. The Grand County Sheriff’s Office dispatched an ambulance from Moab and notified rangers at the Island-In-The-Sky District. Rangers began a search of the roads in the district.

Rangers Eric Paul and Sam Flournoy were soon flagged down by the individual, who was driving toward the visitor center with his friend in the passenger seat. The male passenger was extremely agitated and uncooperative. Rangers Kevin Moore and James Herbaugh quickly arrived at the scene and investigation revealed that the passenger had taken LSD. Rangers, assisted by a maintenance worker, restrained the passenger until the ambulance arrived and he was secured for transport. Ranger Herbaugh accompanied the paramedics in the ambulance to the hospital in Moab.

Rangers Moore and Paul hiked with the driver to a viewpoint approximately one and a half miles from the Lathrop Trailhead. Along the way, they collected numerous articles of clothing which had been discarded by the passenger, who later admitted to taking nine hits of LSD. The passenger was held overnight at the hospital and released the following day. He was charged with possession of a controlled substance, being under the influence of a controlled substance and interfering with agency functions (resisting).
[Submitted by Denny Ziemann, Canyonlands/Arches National Parks Chief Park Ranger]

sigh...

2008-02-25T12:36:00.003-07:00

SO, things are picking up here at the park, and i have to say, i kinda feel like escaping.
winter season was cake. no worries about the park cars and who was using them, if i was roving actual trails or back country, and no countdown to my last day, which, by the way, is going to be March 15th.
My housing situation in Moab is up in the air. Still have plenty of job opportunities though - but I am really hoping for a position at the Boulder Mountain Lodge. in Boulder UT.
It will take me more into the middle of nowhere and be a more relaxing situation, I do believe. not that i feel it will not be work, but that when i am done with my workday, it will be a place of peace and quiet, away from everything.

Blair's last day here was on Friday, and early saturday morning i drove up to the intersection of 191 and 313 (which goes to canyonlands)to bid her farewell for summer.
It is tough. I already miss her immensely.
Really wishing we would have recognized our connection and feelings towards each other sooner.
I am really looking forward to exploring our relationship further in fall (and over summer at a distance, of course)
Never before have i felt so much respect and admiration for a woman.
my heart is leaping out of my chest every time i think of her or read the lovely words she writes me.
I feel such a loss being away from her.
Amazing how one really incredible week of bonding can reach so deeply, as if it was something always meant to be and simply waiting for us to see it.

I'd thought I might have found an arch a few days ago, but unfortunately, it has been documented. It's not in the printed books yet, but it is in our digital database.
oh well, time to hunt some more.
hard to believe i may only be in moab for a few more weeks though.
i feel a kind of tension in me, wondering what is going to happen, how and when i will be going to get noona, etc.
I'm wishing i could just take off to Florida to be with Blair.
all else seems quite secondary right now.
I know it will take a bit of time to readjust and to get back into the groove of having my time to myself for now, and i know i will manage.
there is still the book to write, art to make, music to play...
love letters to send...
sigh....
here's to life, love and new opportunities!

The Best Direction

2008-02-22T13:20:00.003-07:00

Spending time with Blair this week has been so utterly amazing it is beyond words.
It solidifies more and more the decision to move to Portland with her.
I feel no doubts or mistrust.
matter of fact, I am experiencing a bonding which I have searched a lifetime for.
hearing words which are intoxicating without being cryptic or misleading.
I feel a sense of 'home' in a woman which i am finding myself so immensely intrigued by, inspired by, and have the utmost respect for.

Unfortunately, tonight is the last time i will be seeing her for quite awhile, as she leaves to go back to Florida for a good part of the summer.
It will be a time of self cultivation and of saving resources for what is to come with our new life.
While bittersweet, I do look forward to the challenge and know full well that i can face it with no qualms as I have faced so many challenges in the past that have felt even more demanding and quixotic.

This new love feels clear and healthy.Immediately there is a depth there.
We cannot stop smiling when together, even during deep intellectual and philosophical conversations.
I hear words come from her mouth which I am only used to hearing from my own.
Each other's concepts and intended meanings almost immediately understood without explanation.

From my flow has come a direction...of the best kind...towards an intimate love built on learning, loving, exploring, inspiring, believing.

As refreshing as a (dare i be cliche) clear mountain spring. hehe

This desert has burned away the past dramas to leave me ready for this. even if the desert winter is cold.
the simple and elegant landscape has cleared my mind and heart and made me ready for this.

It's probably not wise or right to put into words the thoughts and feelings that are flowing through me to their fullest.
there is time for that.
as new love slowly blossoms to give off the finest fragrance.

Even if it is still cold and there is still snow, for me, spring has sprung!

Unexpected Turns of Excellence

2008-02-18T15:33:00.002-07:00

So, I'm at a party out at Canyonlands Isky on Friday, at Blair and Sara's, and having a great time.
It's always a great time over there, matter of fact, I wish it was closer to Arches than 30 some odd miles away.
So, anyway... I hear the wonderful news from Blair that she has been accepted to Louis and Clark Univ. in Portland Oregon for her masters program in International Environmental Law. Now, it IS the 10th school she has been accepted to, which in itself says how brilliant she is. :)
This one is actually 'courting' her - making an effort to get her there, and well,
then all of a sudden she is making an effort to get me to move to Portland with her!
WOW!
from out of nowhere...well, I'd always felt a connection with her that we'd yet to truly express...but here , all of a sudden comes a new opportunity that is immensely rich and exciting.
The more we talked, the more I felt it would be the right thing to do. The more we discovered how much we connect. The more we discovered how excited about it we are.

The bittersweet part is that she is done with her SCA term at the end of this week and moves back to Florida for summer.
But nice & slow is sometimes the very best way to go.
I'm feeling no doubts about this, which is an amazing feeling.

There is something just so intrinsically RIGHT about it.
just wishing the recognition of the connection would have blossomed sooner i guess.
but hey, it has now, just in the nick of time.
and that in and of itself is a great gift.
yep, even just the moments and feelings and content of our last few conversations.
such a wonderful beautiful thing.
Thanks for the invite Blair, I am so there with ya.

now I just need to figure out the time between now and then....
but that's another story.

shake it up a bit and see where things fall

2008-02-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

So...
things have gone from calm to confusing over the last few days, but are settling.
I was informed that an SCA position at the Canyonlands Needles District opened up at the last minute for spring. One of my Supes passed on my info and for a moment i thought about doing it.
But then came the warnings from former Needles employees...
Micromanagement, overly formal, and always watching...
I wonder if they know that they have this reputation down there?
It is a truly beautiful place. I had thought about taking this position back in fall when i had gone and camped & day hiked down there.
so..
I decided to pass on it due to multiple reasons.
Firstly, that I am anxious to have my sweet Noona back, although it is a bit difficult to work out teh dynamics of exactly how that is going to happen.
She is in Minneapolis with my wonderful friend Patricia and her sister.
I'm probably going to have to try to schedule time off from Arches or whatever new job I get after here in order to make the drive to get her.
The unfortunate part is that I do not think I will have enough time to hang out there with Patty like I would want to. It will be a grueling drive which i will have to attempt to make over the course of 3 days, or if i am lucky, 4.

Then there is the housing situation...
Since Shea got into town at the beginning of February, he needed to get a place right away, so it looks like we will not be rooming together.at least not until july, when his lease there is up.
Luckily, Murray, my supervisor here at the park, has an extra room that he has thought about renting and which he told me would most likely be available to me if things did not work out with Shea.
Noona is just going to have to learn to live with a dog.

I've been updating my resume and writing cover letters, and decided that i am not really thrilled at the thought of working at a bar again, so i think i am going to look for something else.

It is great to have Shea and Kiersa back in town. I always enjoy hanging with them.
My new roomate Sue is alright, quiet and keeps to herself mostly.

It will be interesting to see how everything develops over the next month.
Wish me luck, and if you ever felt like buying one of my paintings and have yet to do so...now is the time! haha

new ideas about my art

2008-02-02T12:48:00.001-07:00

So, over the last few weeks I have become increasingly inspired by the works of a my wonderful friend Ania Wojtczak

"Before"

""Out of Mist"

and also by the works of Devakrishna Marco Giollo

"Work 105"

"Work 117"

(the works i have shown as examples here are exactly that, examples, and not necessarily specific works of theirs which i find to be directly inspirational. they both have quite a few works i resonate with)

I have decided to no longer paint on canvas. I had started to make a move towards using recovered wood panels, and i have to say that i do not want to go back.
I am feeling more at home with earthen tones, especially since moving to canyon country.
I'm also going to start to create my own mediums, probably oil based, utilizing pigments ground from the sedimentary layers of earth available to me here along with other nature based hand created pigments and dyes as well as found nature or entropic objects.
I am not sure what forms the new works will take in terms of image and/or size, but am anxious to see.
stay tuned for more....

spring is just around the corner

2008-01-26T12:58:00.001-07:00

So, things are still rather quiet here at the park.
the weather has been warming up a bit, which is nice.
A 30 to 40 degree late January and February with a lot of sun sure beats the hell out of the coldest days in an overcast Chicago, i can tell you that much!

Things are still moving a bit slowly on the writing front. I've been continuing my research for the novel, but have not yet really begun the actual writing.
The more ideas and symbolism I am intending to use, the more work has to be put into designing the pattern to weave.

I've managed to get another good job lead, possibly doing some copy editing and/or freelance writing at a local publisher.
I think between that and a good night shift at a local bar a few nights a week I would be doing pretty well.

I've been spending a bit more time with folks from over at ISky too (ISky = Island In The Sky, the northern part of Canyonlands).
Last Sunday there was a small party out there at Blair and Sara's place that was a blast. Got to see Genna (ex-Isky, now Hovenweep) who I had not seen since late November and whom I absolutely adore, and meet her new roomate at the Hove, Miranda, as well as a few other former Canyonlands guys.
We played some cool games and laughed a lot.
Always a good time over there.
Then Wednesday, Blair, Nathanial (also ISky) and I took a day trip over to Goblin Valley. That place is so surreal. We hiked for the most part just outside of the park boundaries and the cliffs reminded me of a less dramatic and less colorful Bryce Canyon.
We did not even go down into the Valley of Goblins, so a return venture is definitely in order.
It was interesting to see how the Entrada sandstone erodes so much differently there than here, and I think that the Moenkopi layer now has some competition when it comes to my favorite geological layer - the Summerville layer - flat thin layers of shale, clay, sandstone and other silts that makes for excellent banding and reminds me of coral jewelry made out of thin pieces and stacked.(good pics here - scroll down for some excellent shots of the layering)
I will post some pics on flickr soon.

When I saw Genna, we talked a bit about starting an artist's group. so I will keep you all up to date on that. I have a feeling that Shea will want to be involved too. Not sure how the local art community will feel about it though, as it may be a bit of a challenge to them - at least if Shea and I assert our own aesthetics and need for exploration beyond the rather tame expressions that already exist locally.
I could foresee a future art gallery thing happening too if all goes well. Most of the local galleries cater specifically to touristy art and landscapes.

My incredible friend Ania is currently showing some of her work in a show in England. One of her paintings was chosen for the poster and mailing card. you can see some of her art here. "Ray" is the painting that they chose for the promotional materials.
It was great to be lucky enough to show some of her work along with mine in Chicago before I left the city. Even more incredible to have made such an amazing and inspiring international connection, including our wonderful spring trip through teh Colorado Plateau, which inspired me to now be where I am.

I'm looking forward to how things will unfold for me in this new life and surroundings.
Going back to the 'real world' after being in this kind of "limbo" state of volunteering and not having to worry about a paycheck or rent is going to be a challenge, but I am sure it's all going to go great.
if not, I'll be living in a tent, and out here, well, that ain't that bad really!

be bold in your refinement

2008-01-08T17:31:00.000-07:00

Like the stars which light up the desert night
Sparks arise inside
Birthed from simple
Words, Sounds, Sights, Tastes,
And the all too rare
Touch

Memories and the Living Present collide
In kaleidoscopic patterns of the Divine
As living experience.

I am a verb!
A climactic creature of becoming!

Living as an open door-
Don’t mistake my meaning.
The invitations I send are many
As I have a whole world I ache to share,
To spill a little bit of this rejoicing into your cup,
Would be bliss.
Then you spill it into yet another!
There are no limits as to who may come.
This pitcher never runs dry!

Though all are invited,
None is held in lower regard
Nor more outstanding than another
As each of us shine
With our own individual expression
of the One.

If all you have been able to perceive
Is the surface of my words,
Then you have missed.
There is an ocean available and you are feasting your eyes
On shells at the shore.
Let the waves of meaning flow over you.
Ask what is behind the waves rather than
Believing they are loaded with intention.

Or look to the layers of high desert sediment
Some crumble to the touch, while those above stand tall and firm.
The most fragile layers support the strongest forms
And eventually give their bodie to the wind and water
Spreading to become renewed earth.

All erodes in this world, but not equally.
Learn to discern which is which.
Only then do the eyes open wide and see beyond
The lowly cultural conditioning
Which plagues most souls.

There can be a meaning behind language
That many do not perceive,
For they have been told:
“Do not look behind the curtain! The Great Oz commands you!’
Pounded into too many children
So that mothers and fathers can hide their sins and misgivings,
Passing on tradition instead of healing and evolving.

Yet some are awakening,
Finding that healing before their time is past!
And sometimes it is their children who provide the pinch!

I ask you, “Can we recognize this great gift?”
A new world is unfolding before us.
An explosion of inner ways of insight,
To help understand who we are
Where we came from,
And how those who have come before
Have been misled and misguided for so long,
Led forth on shallow paths of simple meanings,
Walking along the shore while the whole time
they were at the edge of an ocean!

Banish the idea of victimhood!
Set yourself free through diving deep within
And discovering why you have become who you think you are
And how you can work and play to become
Who you dream to be
(and we’ll all hope that those dreams are not nightmares!)

American ways are both bane and boon
Cancerous narcissism
Mixed with a blank cultural slate.
I grew up free of ethnicity, of deeply entrenched traditions.
How many of you have lived the same?
It makes for fertile soil!
there is just that bit about which kinds of seeds you decide to sow!

Gifted with the ability to write our own destiny
Rather than blindly follow tradition and dogmatic simplicity.
Not that we abandon the ‘Wisdom of the Ages”,
We can simply have a much easier time separating the wheat from the chaff.
and if that whole theory of the evolving is true,
Then by definition, the next generation is always more capable than those who came before.
If not, how have we survived this long?

Yet the question remains:
Will we choose a legacy of Courageous Love?
Or will it be blind hedonism?
Or maybe separation entrenched in ancient reptilian fears?

The time for excuses is past.
BE BOLD!
Nurture your response-ability
turn your inner lead into gold.
Stop living the dreams of the dead.
Cast away your self centered humanism
And return to that which claims,
“This world is the Divine Playground of ALL Life!”
I speak of a belief considered most primitive, which is in fact
The most refined blasphemy:
Animism!
Illa!
All is God!
And all is a living constant change.

Do not let your secular shackles bind you.
Never submit to such a small world
When there is an infinite reality
Begging you to let it reveal its body and soul to you!

Cast away small minded deifications.
Whether an Orthodox believer or an Atheist,
Or somewhere in-between
The time has come to grow past your childhood,
Your simple comfortable fingerpainting,
And witness the Divine masterpiece!
Pick up the fine brush
And lose yourself in the delicate intricacies.
See the individual strokes, but do not forget
To pull back and see the larger picture they create!

Stop worshipping your overspecialized scientist-priests.
Your books do not make you noble.
Only living can do that!
Don’t mistake the map for the territory!
Don’t mistake the data for the reality!

With the birthing of the Age of Aquarius,
We can all too easily forget the coupling dance of the fish,
The shared reality,
And become lost in self-reference
Letting our humanistic self-importance
Lead us into that cancerous narcissism of the ego.
Remember,
Aquarius only carries that which is borrowed,
Not that which is known through experience.
Remember this as she pours forth the jug,
Whatever form it takes: written, viewed or heard twice removed.
She is just a messenger, a carrier:
That which she carries is not hers!

She is just an intermediary, not the Fountain.
There is little judicious insight or clear discernment there.
She brings it ALL, regardless of worth.
Does the postal carrier reveal the deepest secrets and meaning held within your mail?
He brings the coercive junk along with the sweetest letters of love!
Question that! And listen to your own experience!

Cultivate your discernment so you do not hold tight
To that which weighs you down instead of lifting you higher.
What does the deepest place in your heart feel?
What does the clearest place in your mind see?

Those who are invested in being right
Have created a barrier to seeing truth.
Both for themselves and
For those who behave like addicts,
Craving their officially educated and sanctioned words.
Rarely does one find depth there.
Watch and listen closely for coercive words
And know that they do not flow from the lips of truthsayers.
Those who truly know will let you decide for yourself
Leaving the use of defensive and infective language
To those who are still stumbling in the dark.

Beware those who speak in absolutes about that which is relative!

Seek the depth, the core of each thing.
Then expand that out to infinity!
Ask the next question, even if forbidden or
Thought of as heresy.
If you do this, the veil of
That bittersweet civilization which surrounds you
Will show itself for what it really is.
But that part, my friend, is for you to discover.

I know what I have found, but it is mine alone.
And yours will be yours.
Let’s share what we can and find that common place
Where we can dance and share bawdy stories of self discovery,
And our experience of the Whole,
Naked in our truths
Not covered with personality and pretension.
In an oasis where veils are obsolete
Except as playthings caught in the wind
flowing like the waves of the ocean.
As we whirl, whirl, whirl!

quiet time with small punctuations

2008-01-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

So, after New Year's Eve, Moab has pretty much gone to sleep for the rest of the winter.
The Moab Brewery, home of kick ass 2.50 pints and 15 cent wings (mon-wed), has closed for the month of January which makes me sad.
The weather has been interesting.
Blowing winds yesterday with tumbleweeds rolling around all over the place.
Somehow we managed to miss getting snow though (and it had been predicted up to 5 inches).
Michelle came through on her way to San Francisco and stayed for a couple of days.
Was good to see an old friend (first person to visit me!).
Created a little excitement too as she managed to get stuck up at the Delicate Arch upper viewpoint after dark one night and i had to go up and get her. hehe
not a big deal, but definitely a little bit of excitement.

So, I've been trying to figure out my plan for spring and so many things are still up in the air it is hard to determine how things will go.
There are enough options though that i am not freakin at all.
I'm anxious to have Noona around again.(no cats allowed in park housing)

Also managed to get really excited last night by a simple Facebook friend request from one of the coolest gals around which i unfortunately did not manage to spend time with before leaving Chicago cus i can be a real chump like that sometimes.
isn't it interesting how sometimes such small moments can trigger strangely overwhelming responses? Especially when you really do not know the person that well.
I guess sometimes there is just that certain vibe there that is so damn striking.
There's no logic to it, is simply IS.
I have a difficult time figuring out how to express that stuff sometimes, as you can never quite be sure how the person on the receiving end will interpret it.
I've been known in the past to come on too strong or be wanting to go a little too deep too fast for some.
Personally, i feel it is because i don't really proscribe to the "normal" emotional boundaries that this culture seems to maintain.
I love and connect readily and easily, especially when i sense an amazing, outstanding spirit which I feel inspired by.
There's a certain look in the eyes - that special connection that is beynd the rational. how can it even be described in words? it is such a raw thing.
Many of the Romantic Poets and the Sufis come close to describing it, yet even they know that it is really a matter of experiencing it, that the words and images can never replace the lived experience.

I managed to just flip the current Rumi book I am reading open to this:

THINKING AND THE HEART'S MYSTICAL WAY

A peaceful face twists with the poisonous nail of thinking.
A golden spade sinks into

a pile of dung. Suppose you loosen an intellectual knot.
The sack is empty. You've grown

old trying to untie such tightenings, so loosen a few more,
why knot! There is a big one

fastened at your throat, the problem of whether you're in
harmony with that which has

no definition. Solve that! You examine substance
and accidents. You waste

your life making subject and verb agree. You edit hearsay.
You study artifacts and think

you know the maker, so proud of having figured the derivation.
Like a scientist you collect

data and put facts together to come to some conclusion.
Mystics arrive at what they

know differently: they lay a head upon a person's chest
and drift into the answer.

Thinking gives off smoke to prove the existence of fire. A
mystic sits inside the burning.

There are wonderful shapes in rising smoke that imagination
loves to watch. But it's

a mistake to leave teh fire for that filmy sight. Stay
here at the flame's core.

-Rumi

interesting how random things can fit the situation and the feeling.

undoing the knot....

I ache for Love to visit.
at least for a moment.
to share experience
exploration
a venture into the backcountry of both earth and soul
not getting lost far from civilization
but rather finding the truth
which lies in the depths of canyons
where springs gush forth from stone
bringing life, sustenance,
slaking that nearly unquenchable thirst.
a Needle in the I can equal
magical medicine
The Old Ones knew it
and so should we.

Why I love Burnt Friedman

2007-12-14T16:01:00.000-07:00

a quote from The Wire: Burnt Friedman, 2000 by Chris Sharp:

"Ever since the arrival of the sampler, the concept of "electronic music" as a separate genre hasn´t made much sense to me. A sample is not an imitation - played, interpreted, filtered through human consciousness - it is a simulation. It saves pieces of the world for purely aesthetic purposes - like special FX - and its very nature produces fragmentation. The crucial point is that the sampler faithfully extracts only what we asked it for - the result can never offer more than the answer to whatever question we posed."

read the whole article here

bliss bunnies are really scaredy cats

2007-12-06T21:22:00.001-07:00

“To the sinful and vicious, I may appear to be evil. But to the good – beneficent am I.” – Mirza Khan, Ansari

I’m troubled by ‘bliss bunnies’.
There are those out there that seek nothing but happiness, that shun the troubling times and challenges that come their way. They tend to not want to face the things that do not meet the criteria of what they believe their lives SHOULD be.
We seem to be moving into a culture in which this kind of mania is being fed wholeheartedly through movies and books such as “What the Bleep Do We Know?” and “The Secret.”
I’ve fallen for the ruse myself for brief periods, yet always in the back of my mind and in my heart I have questioned what these type of beliefs represent.
Mind you, I am not against these movies/books, but am very troubled by the overly simplistic understanding that many come to after watching or reading them.
Somehow, instead of coming to understanding the simple message of personal empowerment and awareness which can be gleamed from these things, many come away with a warped view of material reality and the natural balance which occurs within it.
There is a growing belief that HUMANS can create the world and universe in whichever way they choose. A belief that as long as one is “following their bliss” that they can do no harm to others and that all is good.

I would suggest that this is one of the most crass and idiotic notions of modern times.
It tends to completely ignore the balance that is inherent in all things. It is a strictly humanist and ‘divine right’ minded viewpoint. (one could even argue through the language of Christian simile and metaphor that this represents the religion of the AntiChrist, as it most definitely fits the description of being "the religion of man"- it puts the self before all else, just as Lucifer supposedly behaved and lost his positon of highest favor for doing - it takes more balls to be humble than it will ever take to be an arrogant self-serving narcissist. and if one wants to argue that it does NOT put the self first, then i ask you what it means to impose your version of reality on a shared world without regard to the visions of others, a rather subversively violent act.)

Many try to pretend that it is a loving and caring way of being, that it intends and imposes no harm on other human beings or the world, yet if we look all around us, we notice that we are continually eroding the equilibrium of the very foundation of our fleshly existence.

Sure, one can suppose that we are spirits inhabiting flesh, but it is wrong to ignore the flesh/material part of the equation.

So many pretend that their riches come at no expense to others. I must clarify at this point that I am decidedly NOT a humanist, as I believe it to be an arrogant, species centered way of viewing the cosmos. I do NOT believe that the entire world and cosmos exist solely for the spiritual growth and realization of the human alone.
We have let our minds and rationality turn us into egocentric fools, raping everything in sight, including the pillaging of religious systems and scientific thought with the intention of proving our righteousness.

To me, this is the ultimate violent act, as it cloaks itself as holiness while demeaning the great work of the ages and the expansive understanding to which all those who seek will find an open door.

It would be excessively time consuming and rather oversimplistic for me to give specific examples of how varying ways of ‘seeking bliss’ create suffering for others. The situation is further complicated by the fact that monetary issues have becme completely abstracted and a product of the human mind – where value of money, work, service, etc. have reached a point of total abstraction and are determined by a very few elite, supposedly educated individuals and organizations within the dominant cultures of our time.

The so called ‘free market’ is not really free when there is a pyramid hierarchy controlling it with non participating investors relying on their future livelihood (i.e. retirement) on the profits of a system which is built on the psychology of rape and exploitation.

Instead of details I am providing an exercise.

One which will hopefully help people be able to come to a deeper and more meaningful relationship with the whole cosmos. One which will help take our daily lives and all that we ingest – be it food, products, culture, religion, etc. – and bring these things out of abstraction and acceptance through ignorance and oversimplification and into the realm of connection and understanding the larger more integrated dynamic and true cost of how we live.

It is very simple, yet something that will take much practice and focus.
It may call upon research for those questions which cannot be answered, and I ask each and every one of you to not simply stop when those questions come, but to find the answers so that you can take the next step.

Many secularly minded people and those who are turned off by the idea of religion or something more than the physical will possibly have a problem with the semantics of this exercise, but I ask you to think of the words as exactly that –words – representations of archetypal ideals or ways of thought. Rationalists tend to not want to admit it, but not everything in existence fits within the realm of the rational. This MUST be accepted to come to any kind of meaningful experience of life. Anything less is limiting and turning oneself into a machine. So, left-brainers and right-brainers alike, open up that channel between the two hemispheres and start making your path towards balance.

I promise you that it is worth every pain and effort you will face.
It shall be infinitely more rewarding that abstract and oversimplified “bliss seeking”

The exercise:

Growing up as a Roman Catholic, we always said grace before eating our meals. It was simple and meaningless the way it was done. It did not really bring any type of understanding as to what we were doing or what we had actually been given. It was a surface phenomenon which was very much based in the feudal mindset of accepting the gift of the master with no questions asked. As if we were not worthy of the food and/or gifts before us. While I understand the dynamics of certain rituals being used in order to maintain a state of humility, in my actual experience, this ritual did not serve this function. Not one single time did I ever feel humble or part of a greater existence due to saying grace in this way. The technology simply did not serve its intended purpose in the way in which it was meant to.

It was nothing more than a reptilian brain pattern ritual which was said and experienced without any true meaning. Sure, there may have been the overly simplified thought of “God gave us this food”, but the concept was so abstracted and oversimplified as to be meaningless. What is God? This food was obviously not simply given to us magically, so where did it come from? These questions were nowhere even close to reaching the surface in my experience at that time.

A few years ago, I felt that I finally began to understand a bit about what was really being aimed for with this ritual, and how utterly the ritual which I had been given as a child had failed me and most likely many of the others who perpetuate it in this overly simplified form. I began to realize how I personally could make this ritual meaningful and through that action create an ever increasing understanding of my relationship with all of ‘God’s’ creation and the cosmos.

I began to start to go backwards, to follow the creative process in reverse and ask the questions which I had so obviously missed as a child.

In it’s most simple form the question can exist as “What did it take to bring this thing or experience that is before me to this point in which it currently exists?”

Where did the food come from? How did it grow? What was the situation and cultural setting of those who did all of the labor to create this? What was involved in getting it to my table in terms of transportation? Packaging? Fuel? Roads? Airplanes? Farmers? The tools and technologies of each stage of the process? How much energy was used? What was the relationship and attitude towards the bigger picture and the world and biosystem as a whole at each stage of this process? Was it a profane, exploitive relationship with the world or a sacred grateful attitude?

I picture the plants growing,the seeds being sown, the previous generation being fertilized (or the horror of genetically modified seeds which are patented in the egotistical mindset that corporations have the right to own life), etc.

This exercise can be practiced in regards to anything. Even to how you ended up reading these very words.

I just realized that there is a very similar exercise to this mentioned second (or third or fourth…) hand in Robert Anton Wilson’s wonderful book “Prometheus Rising” which I highly recommend for those wishing to understand how their own consciousness works.

The reason I feel that this exercise is so important is because it sews threads.
It helps us connect to the world around us and helps us to understand REAL COST.
Cost is not monetary. The money is always only a representation of something else.

I’d like to end this post by briefly returning to the topic of “What the Bleep…” and “The Secret”. The problem I have with these movies is that they pay no heed to the internal makeup of the viewer. Giving such technologies to people who are not yet developed enough, who have not done the HEART work which is required BEFORE the headwork, is just as likely to create demons as it is enlightened individuals.

It was a long path to get there, and very troubling, but I have come to understand why esoteric orders and certain mystical hierarchies do exist. It is not to control individuals as much as it is to guide them, to allow these technologies to be trickled down to newer seekers by those who have already EXPERIENCED. It is not about dogma, it is more like a matter of safety of the individual.

Many who practice magik already know this, and quite possibly have felt the horror of overwhelming oneself by moving forward too quickly.

HEART FIRST.
Then head.
Selflessness first, then vision.
Otherwise it is all too likely that one ends up behaving like a cancer cell.
We have enough world eaters already.

I do not disavow or feel that there is nothing of value in the two movies I mentioned, but rather, that it is extremely important to understand that these are merely shallow primers.

They lack the true depth that is needed for healthy and balanced integration of the technologies which they present.
We are still taking baby steps here in the west. Best we always remember that.
We have a lot of work to do. Especially inner work.
Otherwise, we’ll end up eating ourselves and all of our fellow plants and animals out of house and home while we seek nothing more than an escape.
If we cannot manage to be at peace and make the most within a balanced relationship in this material world we are in, how can we even begin to consider that we deserve something ‘higher’?

Be very careful, as your search for escape can all too readily become your Ultimate Entrapment.

psychic masturbation

2007-11-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from an article written by Kabir Helminski of the Threshold Society (a Sufic Society) for the Winter 1993 issue of Gnosis Magazine -the complete article can be read HERE (highly recommended):

" Intoxication could be viewed as psychic masturbation. Masturbation could be defined as trying to do something when you don't have everything needed to do it. Contacting the subconscious realms of significance without our full equipment is like making love without a partner. Not only is it less physically satisfying, it bypasses the emotional and spiritual dimensions of relationship. One can understand the many reasons why people do it: loneliness, impatience, narcissism. Like intoxicants, masturbation creates a tension between the fantasy and the actuality. It leaves people askew and ultimately crippled.

Can psychoactive substances ever yield psychological or spiritual benefit? A qualities "yes" suggests itself here. An experience produced by external substances may give enough of a taste of higher being to motivate someone toward awakening that state on a more permanent and stable basis, especially if the person has not already been exposed to the mature spiritual guidance that certain traditions could offer.

It is important to keep in mind, however, that the shift of perspective offered by certain drugs can also be accomplished through various other means, one of which is contact with someone who has attained higher being. While such an experience may be a bit less dramatic than a drug experience, it is less likely to cause psychological imbalance. On the other hand, such imbalances can also be caused by teachers with limited knowledge who induce certain states in their students that may, if indulged in, make them less fit for ordinary life and less capable of reaching completion."

The Dullard Sage by Farrid-Udin Attar

2007-11-26T13:05:00.000-07:00

Lost in myself
I reappeared
I know not where
a drop that rose
from the sea and fell
and dissolved again;
a shadow
that stretched itself out
at dawn,
when the sun
reached noon
I disappeared.
I have no news
of my coming
or passing away--
the whole thing
happened quicker
than a breath;
ask no questions
of the moth.
In the candle flame
of his face
I have forgotten
all the answers.
In the way of love
there must be knowledge
and ignorance
so I have become
both a dullard
and a sage;
one must be
an eye and yet
not see
so I am blind
and yet I still
perceive,
Dust
be on my head
if I can say
where I
in bewilderment
have wandered:
Attar
watched his heart
transcend both worlds
and under its shadow
now is gone mad
with love.

getting quiet - remembering important things

2007-11-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

Things have been quieting down quite a bit over the last week, at least with visitation to the park - Quiet in the visitor’s center. Reading time – writing time.

We had an early thanksgiving dinner last night. Had a great philoso-spiritual talk with a new friend named Marshall. Friendly moments of heated argument mixed with amazing moments of clarity.
It was a night that reminded me why I came here.
Not to chase girls, or for simple socialization, but for inner and outer clarity.
I came to slough off the excess baggage and needs.

Writing time is coming. And I am recognizing the importance of my own Great Work.
I feel a bit more psychologically prepared for the coming months of solitude.
There will still be a few people around, though not many.

Something else happened last night that was a good positive slap to wake me up from my stupor. It showed me a lot of things:Where I am, the quality of those around me….
Interesting how a bit of alcohol in people can be so revealing.

On a different note, I’ve been getting out and hiking a bit more outside of the park.
Went to Corona Arch a few days ago. There was no one out there and only saw a few people on the hike back. Very nice.

Once of the things I am discovering that feels so strange out here is being surrounded by white people. It makes for a totally different aesthetic.
If my tastes were somewhat obscure in a city like Chicago, you can imagine how obscure they are here!

I need to be making more music, more art, etc.
Socializing so much here – more than I was in Chicago actually, has been taking me a bit away from it.

I did get some great ideas and a sense of direction with where I want to take my art though while looking at some desert varnish across from Corona Arch.
It gave me an even newer concept of east meets west. Alchemy meets Anasazi.
Creating a new symbolic language that is inspired by both while trying not to mimic either too greatly.
In places such as this, art all too easily becomes a reflection of what already is or was rather than a visionary experience.
That is such a strange thing to me considering how inspiring this landscape is.
I guess it is part of earning a living from selling to tourists.

new home

2007-11-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

so, I know i have not been posting, but now, even though my internet access is limited to trips into Moab.
My new home is amazing, as are my co-workers.
I've been slowly posting pics to my flickr page so you should check them out sometime.

last night i finally had a good chance to go out into the park on a clear moonless night and do some stargazing. went out to Balanced Rock and had the whole park to myself.
I'll tell ya, it sure is a bit spooky to be the only human in land that is so obviously belonging to the creatures once night falls.
As i lay there on the hood of my car (to keep warm!)staring up at the Milky Way webbing its way across the sky, weaving Indra's web so delicately,hanging there as if i could reach up and tangle my fingers in it, I heard coyotes barking off in the distance.
Primal circuits were triggered as I was surrounded by the deepest shadows of the huge rock formations and brush.
Too many years in the city in the lights surrounded by millions of people really makes one feel that much more alone when in such a place as this.
I had wanted to walk out just past Balanced Rock to a great little area of slickrock that is perfect to lay out on, but without a headlamp and that primal fear hitting my gut a little bit, i couldn't quite get myself to do it.
Maybe partially because of the sighting of a Mountain Lion a ways further back in the park a few days previously. I'm sure that the big cat was nowhere near my location, yet that fear was still there!
so, ever so slowly, I reprogram my circuits, overcoming those primal fears and becoming more in tune with the park.

Many nights have been spent with my roomie Jae (jason) - who works backcountry and LE support- and Kiersa - and SEA who does kids programs -watching movies on the LCD monitor or playing cards. a few nights over the last week have been spent with some cool ass peeps from over at Canyonlands ISky (Island In the Sky - the northern section of that park) doing the same.
I'm quite enjoying hte socializing, knowing full well that in a month it will be just me, as all of them will be off on their own journeys for winter as their terms at the Parks will be over for this season.
That is when my novel writing really begins.

until then, i will try to be better about posting here as it may help get me back into the writing groove.
one can only hope!

Arches National Park and Moab are being so good to me.
The silence, the simplicity, the lighter attitude and lack of cynicism are amazing.
too bad that Ed Abbey is so infused into this place. both good and bad, and i have a feeling that my opinions and writings in regard to him and his attitude, as well as the museum attitude of the parks and the "leave no trace" mentality will piss a lot of people off. (I'l leave that 'leave no trace' bit for a later more in depth post.)

time to leave the cafe and get back to the trails.

stay tuned...

Movement

2007-10-11T06:25:00.001-07:00

Red hawk told me to keep an eye out for signs.
In my daily tarot I’ve been getting quite telling draws:
Multiples within the last week of The World, the Tower, Ten of Wands,
Knight of Swords, Queen of Pentacles, Knave of Wands.

I’ve shed, I’ve bartered, I’ve let go, and am in Limbo…
…but just til the 15th. Then on the road.
The journey west begins.
Beyond the mountains.
To the land of Arches.
The mixture of daytime interaction with an everchanging flow of people and the nighttime solitude should be interesting and inspiring.

A book to write, art to create,
Visions to explore.

18 years in Chicago was plenty enough.
I had to go. Felt I could not stay another winter.
I’ll miss so many and so much.

I am sure there will be a lot more writing.
Though since I will not have internet at home, the posting will most likely be weekly.

Thank you to all of you who have been so generous.

DUNCAN!

2007-08-13T20:21:00.001-07:00

Having just finished Sandworms of Dune, I have to say that it is good to see Duncan Idaho, who I have always felt to be the main character of the Dune books, finally gets his due! No spoilers beyond that, my friends.....
I have to say that Brian Herbert and kevin Anderson did an excellent job tying together the different eras and storylines of the Dune universe.
Bravo guys. Can hardly wait for Paul of Dune.

returning...

2007-08-13T20:19:00.000-07:00

I’ve been a bit remiss on keeping up with my blog for quite awhile now, so I figured it is probably time for me to get with it a bit more again.
Maybe it is sparked by a recent blog comment asking what books I have read that have helped me along the way.

I’ve personally found that there have been certain books that have been “keys of understanding” and opened up my ability to think and understand in a more multi-dimensional and critical way.

One of the most important and core things to understand and get the most out of even the trashiest media is the use of language, image, and metaphor.
When one begins to also look at the underlying psychologies behind differing perspectives one soon begins to see that there is a basic SAMENESS to the core of many opposing views.
the same tactics and mental gymnastics and need to control present themselves over and over and we keep hearing terms such as “civilization” as if there is just one version and one way in which that concept and form of human organization can exist.
We live in a time where scientists do not usually speak in scientific terms, but rather use religious language and the attitude of zealotry in order to coerce the populace to see the world in their terms.
We are seeing priestly casts on all levels of understanding – we still have not escaped that kind of psychological slavery.
on the most simple level, it is easy to observe how in almost any argument, the participants will almost immediately fall into arguing within the framework of a “this or that” mentality, as if there are always only 2 options.
This rampant manifestation of Dualism is both regressive and a roadblock to truth and deep dialogue.

So, before I go off on that tangent, I’d rather start this new series of posts by starting to present the books that have helped me wipe the blur from my eyes.

Over time I will share and explain a bit of the understanding that I gained from some of the books, the basic ideas, and some of the unexpected ideas which struck me most and have stayed with me.

I’ll first go back to the mid nineties to the first time I really found myself CONSCIOUSLY choosing books which were of a more esoteric or new idea/new science focus.
If there is a particular author I have found to have multiple books to be interesting I will try to cover them all in one post when possible and explain what I have come to personally feel about the authors.

Stay tuned…

surrender!

2007-02-13T12:28:00.000-07:00

This Love
Unstoppable
Unshakable
Expanding
With each moment
With every word
Shared.

I have
Surrendered
And by making a choice
Set myself
Free.

The Choiceless
Kept me
In misery
As the inner battle
Raged

As I struggled
Fighting with
A desire
Who’s seed was
Planted long ago.

Recognition has come.
Seeing what blooms there
And that it is beautiful
In its unpredictability
And richness.

It is
Eternal
Connection
Family
Support
My tribe
Flourishing.

My heart flies
To new worlds
New possibilities
A new flower
Vital
Lifegiving
Inspiring

Her pistil open
To my pollen
Accepting
Hungry
Anxious to fertilize
The seeds of tomorrow

My potency rises
I feel spring dawning
In my heart
There is no question
Of how it pains to be
Apart.

I feel home calling
From the center of
Her heart.
And I call in return
To let her know
We are on our way
To finding
Truth
Together.

Nothing
Can stop this now.
The path is set.
Call it fate
Or destiny
It matters not.

For we will know
Soon enough
The taste and flavor
Of our
Love.

flower of transformation

2007-01-31T12:17:00.000-07:00

The dance of the flower in the wind, in the sun, in the rain, cannot be understood by the head; the heart has to be open for it.- Osho

It is such a subtle and dangerous thing, this dance of the flower.
For in it, there must also be the realization of the temporary nature of the flower.
Its life is limited.
For a moment it blooms, attracting love, connection and the creation of new life in the form of the seed which is to come and be the flower which follows.
But it will not be just one new flower, it will be many, as the seed takes root and grows into an entire new plant and system which will yield its own expression of individual flowers.
The head can get too caught up in the life of the one flower, and not see this connection, this flow that is life.
It is the dance of all things, but the head of the civilized human seems to be obsessed with denying this flow – with attempting to control it and be the god, the master of it.

It is only by first being in the heart that the connections can be made and the flowers can continue to bloom.
To allow the mind alone to attempt to control this flowering will so easily stunt this growth.
To be the master of the mind and use it as a tool of contemplation as well as to move beyond it into the silence – the sky in which the clouds of thought traverse – allows one to see the truth and flow with existence. The heart must be gone through first, otherwise, the mind cannot see anything but illusion and separation and it will tear the world apart into tiny bits to be measured and known in their dead state rather than in their living being.

All is needed for the growth of the flower.
Death to feed the soil, sun to feed the transmutation of base elements into the shell of life form, rain – storms – to give the tears of life which fill the body, the shell, and gives form to the body. Air, the freedom of the currents of invisible elements and energies brings the breath of life, the very fuel which feeds the transmutaion.
Without any of these things, the flower will not reach it’s full beauty and its dance will not reach the higher levels of ecstasy, of gnosis, of experiencing the all that is.

Too much of any of these things will also harm the growth of the flower.
Too many tears, too much heat from the sun, air that is too cold or hot…
All of these things can take away life from the flower.

We can fashion our surroundings, the “garden” – which can be defined as any human influenced and controlled environment, an environment not exclusively ruled by natural chance – but it must be done in tune, in resonance with nature’s ebb and flow.
To do otherwise does not only create more work and less sustenance in the long run (and a negative equation in terms of energy spent for energy gained), but is in itself an act of war against nature and the very cycles and flow of life which has given rise to our ability to contemplate and witness it.

The gift of this ability to contemplate has been given to us by this nature – call it god, call it existence, call it life, call it evolution, it does not matter.
Whatever its name, it is all the same. We have been given our very existence by it.
We did not create ourselves by choice.

It is in accepting the gift we have been given that we can begin to bloom and dance.
If we have resentment for the gift, if we see it as a curse, we cannot see the beauty that is around us. Our eyes become clouded with our anger and distrust.

Considering that civilized human has created the framework in which we live in a way which is at odds with this natural flow, it is only to be expected that there will be great pains in finding this flow and manifesting it on our lives.

At many junctures we have to go against it in order to provide food and shelter for ourselves and to seek the very nourishment we need to get back into the flow.
This is where the technology and mindset of transmutation, the art and science of the alchemist can become a very wise and useful tool.
To simply refuse to use the raw materials, the base matter that is provided by civilization, by the society, is to cut off ones roots prematurely.
It is understandable once one sees the flow that this desire for disconnection from the illness occurs.

I myself have done this - cutting roots in the name of ideas, of philosophies, and it has left me without some of the raw materials which would now provide the base elements for the seeds I have been germinating to grow.
So the roots seek out wider, farther.
Yet the soil I am in has as much richness as any, if I only know how to transmute, to transform it. I could have made the situation easier if I had not cut roots before, but the potential for the growth is still there, it is just a more difficult process.
The lead can be turned to gold once one finds the proper technique, and each flower has its own way of finding this transformation.

There is no one way which is right and proper for all.
This is why we cannot teach each other truth, we can only hint at it and share our own experiences of it.
We are all created and maintained by our own paths and ways of transmuting the world into the place we want to put our roots, the place we wish to flower and dance.

So let us shed out pollen as we dance and sway in the wind, and make the most of what we have, creating beauty out of all that we find ourselves rooted in.
It is our nature.
We are all flowers, artists, creating our lives and our shared world as we transform what we are given into what we want to be.
So why not make it all beautiful?
Why not celebrate life in all of its manifestations?
This is the only way to be whole.
One must accept it all.
It is the only way.

Raw Power Elixir

2007-01-09T20:59:00.000-07:00

See her
Rolling in
With thunderous might?

She shakes my branches

Dangerous delight!

Her eyes,
Thunderbolts
Pierce my skies
Cracked open wide

Filling me with light.

Riding the currents
of
sea & sky
Across great waters
O'er old Atlantis
Hearts fly.

Heads roaring
Souls growing

A virtual arrival.
I'd been waiting
To see you rising
O'er eastern skies

Revealed through
Electric lines
Phantom & Feline

Intertwine

The Feline

Sees
Hidden things

Like Phantoms

With clear wide eyes

Recognizing the art
Which the Phantom possesses:

To

Enter

Into

The deepest part

of

His

Being,

He greets her

With

His

Luxurious

Warm

Smile.

Welcome home.

cycles of expansion

2006-12-06T15:26:00.000-07:00

The bittasweet taste
It sits on my tongue
If for only an eternal moment

Long enough for me to recognize
That tender revitalizing
Nourishment
Which blooms at its center

The bitter just a shadow
A projection
A protective coating
Made of preconceived notions

Roll it around on your tongue long enough
And the bitterness dissolves
Leaving such a grand sensation

..OH HO HO!..

my heart shouts!
as the sensation awakens
vision

Each time
The Goddess comes
And does her dance

Enticing
Playing
Teasing

Reminding me
Of the splendor
To which she gives birth

I get lost in the dance
Not unlike
A whirling dervish

These moments in time
Of intense focus on one
Bind me

Unnecessarily?

Or is it all
A grand part
Of the dance
Of all dances?

I needlessly fight with it
Attempting to break free
All of the while
Remaining intensely focused
On possibilities
Unwilling to cast them
Away.
Instead
They multiply.
And I freeze in my tracks.
If only for just a moment.

But in this frozen moment
Awareness is birthed
Only to be understood
Once integrated.

I drop to a tight crouch
Like a collapsing star
And forget for a moment
That once I collapse
Back to center
I will go

supernova

Like breath
In .. out
Back .. forth
Contract .. expand

Then

WHAM!

Sight beyond sight
Available when I allow it
When I do not impose
Intention and desire.

Goals destroying the now
Ensnaring one in futures
That do not exist
False destiny
The shunning of response-ability
Of freedom
For safety
And the ability
To find Prescient sight.

..To know the future is to be enslaved by it...

When we get so caught up
In what we think we should do
We do not recognize
The truth that is

NOW

My polarities
And process
Twist me

Seems that each time
I forget
For just a little while

Remembrance
Can come slowly
And then, all of a sudden,

A FLASH!

HAHAHA!

I am reminded of why I chose
Hafiz
As a master example

In love
I do not lose

Because there is nothing to be lost.
Only that to be shared

Once touched
Once energies mingle
They are eternally entangled

Quantum non-locality
Is what the scientists wish to call it.
But that is only one
of the many names
of
God.

Devotion runs deep
When connections are made
It is my
Nature

If you have been caught
In the deepest of my gazes
You know
Not through my words
But through experience

I may have overwhelmed
Stepped all over your boundaries
Sometimes, even I do not know
The devices I am playing
Until we look back
And laugh
All the wiser

Seemingly chaotic
A little bit crazy
But I DO know what I am doing
Although not always consciously
And it is exactly as it should be

I had been led away
From trusting myself
And my perceptions
My intuition.
Too many times

But I am learning
To trust myself
Again
At times seemingly over-dramatic
Playing with my own emotions
Letting them flow freely in me
Discovering their tastes
Their nourishment

Emotion is not a trap
But being a slave to it is

Without it,
Can we still call ourselves
Human?

The subtle balance
Inner .. outer
Mind .. body .. spirit
Me .. you
Individual .. community
Love .. friendship
Devotion .. freedom
New vision .. surrender
Doing - being

I see more than you imagine
And what you think is my imagination
May really be closer to the truth
Than you want it to be

Thinking I do not recognize
That which is under your mask

Hahahaha!

If you only knew

i do not need
But for a few primal things
The necessities
Of the flesh

But there are wants that come and go
And I try not to judge them
Rather to embrace them
And recognize them
So they can be transformed
Either through action
Interaction
Or through inner awareness
Transmutation.

Being human
I falter
As do all

I ache for a playmate
A lover
As is natural
I am not wrong for doing so
And I am not wrong in expressing
When I find someone I wish to play with

The number of fellow seekers in my life
Constantly expands
Enriching everything
And I welcome it.

Know that my expression
Of possible intimacies
Is not a static state
It is ever changing
And all whom have taken that chance
And danced that dance with me
Have always returned
If only to say
..Thank you..
And to allow me a chance
To do the same.

I do not say this boastfully
But as an expression of
Experience
And as a barometer
Of my truth

One thing is for sure
My love in unceasing
Once you have come through my door
It is forever open to you

Do not hesitate

I will never cease to surprise

changes and opportunities

2006-12-03T22:13:00.001-07:00

Transformations...
New daily rituals, things rearranged.
A time of change.
I keep on reassuring myself that I flow with it.
That it is heading somewhere, even though all I can see is a big nothing.
The blank slate.
No fate.
The golden path?

..Yikes!..
Shouts an inner voice.
How do we deal with that which is unknown.
Then I chuckle to myself.
..What else is there?..
That which is known is already past.
It is not even NOW.
Then another voice chimes in..
..But we want things to go THIS way!..

I just want to rest for a moment, I swear!
Just a moment is all!
Yet life does not stop.

I have been painting and it has been meditative.
It takes me out of my mind, my overanalysis.
Yet I always come back to the thoughts.

Infected with this headspinning, heartpounding inspiration.
It is good.
I learn as I yearn.
Ha!
Feel less taxed as I relax.
Let it be.
As is.
And let it grow
As it will
Trusting.

Opportunities,
Doors opening.
I have been invited out of the foyer and down a corridor.
Just as I ask which door to take
Someone opens a door, and says
..hey man, come check this out
opportunity awaits for you..

Music flowing.
Growing.
Guess the time has arrived.
Yay!
Kindred souls
Appearing all around.
Tempering myself, not being overwhelmed,
overindulgent in emotions, expressions.
It can be difficult.
But with the tension comes all of the reward.
Tuning those strings.
To play my song.
Do you hear it in the breeze?
It calls for you.
Teases.
Questions
Smacks you.
And lets you know you are alive.

A fire over-stoked can create too much smoke,
burn the fuel too fast.
A stead flow,
A gentle breeze
Tender prodding when needed to keep the coals red and glowing.
Luminous.
Tending the flame.

I see you with that iron rod.
Use it gently.
Yes you.
I know I need to be turned over now and then,
rearranged in relation to those I share my flame with.
I hold this flame and keep it alight for us.
Sit with me.
Enjoy the warmth.
Let my eyes shine in your direction
And see the fire behind them.
It burns for the Beloved
Whom I witness in you.

trusting love

2006-11-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Amazing electricity crackling in the crisp fall air.
Love all around.
Wow
I almost do not know what to say.
All I know is that I have not felt like this in a long, long time, if ever!

Fears pass through my mind.
Unknowns…waiting….
Overwhelmed and feeling like I jumped off of a cliff without wings.
Flirting with my neurosis and managing to do a little dance around it for the most part.
I get stuck in this idea that somehow I am going to end up being starved, that I will be left with nothing, not recognizing how totally overflowing the entire experience is.
It is hard to remain centered and calm – to accept whatever path manifests as I feel deeper and deeper the desire for a particular path to emerge.
I am not sure I have ever been in love like this before and I have been in love countless times.

Like binary stars, both shining, doing a lil cosmic dance together.

I am scared of my own fate.
This path that is presenting itself to me, that I have been putting off for so long.
There are going to be sacrifices that have to be made, some things put aside for focus on others – which expressions take on the most importance and attention and energy?

I have been hiding from the world.
I have been afraid of owning my gifts and thrusting them outward into the world.
I have been learning most of all how to be at peace in my non-doing, in my nothingness.
Without that peace, it almost feels as if everything I do is nothing but an escape from facing my true nature.
I am reading Dune right now, after being a bit obsessed with the longer , more in depth miniseries from the Sci-Fi channel (mostly because of the inclusion of the Children of Dune stories).
I get a little weird when I read these kind of stories.
I connect with characters like Paul Mua’Dib all too well.
I have ever since I was a young boy.
The super hero, the archetypal hero, the dreamweaver, the walker between worlds, the underdog, the last hope…all of those archetypes.
Yet at the same time drawn to the likes of Buddha, lao tzu…
Leaves me confused.
Stuck between the promethean and zen.

Can I let go of the last bits of “regular life” in order to move into something more in tune with what I want my path to be?

How do I deal with this new love that I feel, so overflowing, overwhelming, leaving me craving more and more and more of it.
Honey, you know you make me feel just as high as you say I make you feel when we are together.
I do not even want to imagine a life without your sweet taste.
And I am so ready to deal with a little bit of bitter mixed in to give it all spice!

I know I have to take things as they come, that I cannot have everything I want the way I want it when I want it as I want it.

Sometimes it is so incredibly difficult to let go, to trust life, to trust love, and to open your heart and keep it open. To let that love flow through, to not grasp, but to flow, to experience, to become overflowing.

The love mixed with challenge, with facing all of the things that make me grow, that make me thrive and make me a more incredible being, more capable of loving, living, celebrating.

I find myself repeating the Bene Gesseritt mantra:

“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little death that brings the total obliteration.
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing, only I will remain.”

I must remember.
I am love.
I live to love.
This is my divine contract.
I am also warrior,
Always will be.
When the time calls
I shall not hesitate
But love must always take precedence over the fight.
For it is love which encompasses it all.
Only fight as much as you must to birth love.
Loving is it’s own reward.
So I choose bravery over cowardice.

truth and illusion

2006-10-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

So much to digest over the last week.
Truth yet again put into question.
What is real, what is not?

One thing that many people do not understand is that half truths, lies, and deceit hold their own truths.
It is only when we hold onto illusion that they do us damage.
Otherwise, they can reveal just as easily and readily as truth does.
Sometimes people simply cannot face their own truths so they deceive themselves.
Then this extends outwards.
Of course, there are times when people can also be deceitful in order to gain selfishly.
When these people meet with someone of truth, they are confronted with the mirror.
An awakened individual cannot be shaken by deceit.
A person who lives in truth stands strong.
Seeing and witnessing the deception can be tricky, but it I can also be a bit of a laugh if one remains lighthearted.
I, luckily, have enough experience rising and falling at this point that I am used to the ride.
One of the most interesting manifestations is that the person who lives the authentic awakened life will almost always create a situation in which the deceiver is forced to face their own deception.
But the situation is not actually created, it simply arises out of the very essence of the awakened.
It canot help but be otherwise, because when deceit and illusion come face to face with truth, they cannot help but dissolve, for the lies have no firm foundation.
A being of truth, of love, of trust cannot be shaken.
There is no doubt to cause the cracks. The weight of the deceit is thrown completely onto the shoulders of the deceiver.
At this point, the time comes for the one in illusion to either meet with their own truth or fall deeper into lies and illusion.
Imagine…
If you are accepted even in your deceit, if you are loved even while wearing the veil, imagine how much more love and acceptance will be there once the veil is lifted!
It is the flowering of truth, of authenticity which matters.
The seed of that flower may lie in shit for awhile before it germinates.
It may be completely mistaken for something to be tossed by many.
But the being who seeks authenticity and awareness recognizes.
It is all the foundation for something more.
The transmutation will happen.
When, one cannot say. But one can nurture the transformation.

Overcoming our lies and deceptions about ourselves as well as others is one of the most freeing transformations we can make.
It nurtures connections, acceptance, and empathy.
We all fumble.
We all fall.
We all suffer.
And we all need some solace now and then.

True deep connections survive the crucible.
They transform and accept mistakes, shortcomings, misgivings, and misunderstandings.

When we relax and flow and let things naturally be what they are, life provides.
There is no need to feel poor.
Wealth is all around waiting.

Recently there has been much talk about intention and it’s power.
In many ways this is good, but people of the west tend to be very irresponsible in the way in which they present this material.
I especially feel this way about videos such as ‘The Secret’.
There is no talk of the fact that all desire leads to suffering.
There is no talk about the role of ego.
There is not talk about negative vs.. positive.
There is no talk about the emptiness.
In truth, what “The Secret” is talking about is just as much about black magic as it is white.
ALL intention is based in the EGO.
It must be so, because it it’s the individual telling existence that what existence is providing is not god enough for you. You want more. It is in a very real sense, greed.
It is you telling the cosmos that you know better than the whole of creation what is needed and what is good.
It is completely and utterly based on a distrust of existence.

Here, I am going to quote Osho from his book “Only One Sky – On the Tantric Way of Tilopa’s Song of Mahamudra”:

“…Things are just the physical part of thoughts, and thoughts are the mental part of things.
Because of this fact, because thoughts are things, many miracles happen.
If a person continuously thinks about you and your welfare, it will happen - because he is throwing a continuous force at you.
That is why blessings are useful, helpful. If you can be blessed by someones who has attained no-mind, the blessing is going to be true – because a man who never uses thought, accumulates thought energy, so whatever he says is going to be true.

In all Eastern traditions, before a person starts learning no-mind, techniques are given and much emphasis that he should stop being negative, because if you once attain to no-mind and your trend remains negative, you can become a dangerous force.
Before the no-mind is attained, one should become absolutely positive. That is the whole difference between white and black magic.
Black magic is nothing but a man who has accumulated thought energy without throwing his negativity beforehand. And white magic is nothing but a man who has attained to much thought energy, and has based his total being on positive attitude. The same energy with negativity is black: the same energy with positivity becomes white. A thought is a great force, it is a thing.”

There are no defined lines. It is all flowing, constantly shifting.
According to people such as Gregg Bradden, the power of intention is only born out of no-mind, out of emptiness. And it is transformed and brought life through positive visualization – seeing the state desired as already being the case.

I personally still have reservations about this power of intention stuff.
It all too easily meets the definition of the false religion of the antichrist for one thing.
Secondly it is based on selfishness.
Even your good intentions for another are YOUR intentions, not the intentions of that person, so in a very real sense , it is a mild act of violence, as it is seeking to impose one person’s reality onto another.
One cannot know the meaning of the experience.
Someone’s negative experience that you wish to heal may be exactly the experience they need to transcend something they are dealing with, something that they have to learn.
You may be short-circuiting their experience and doing them a disfavor rather than helping.
Believing that your good intentions are exactly what the other needs is in this case most definitely an act of self-righteousness – of saying that “I know what is good for you”
So, let the thoughts form, let the blessings flow, but let existence itself take care of the manifestation.
You are not in control, nor can you ever be.
Control is a sickness, a dis-ease. It is a dis-trust.
Control and mastery are not the same thing.
Do not try to control the wave, rather master your ability to ride it. To flow with it.
In this, one can find infinite artistry.
The only thing one has a right to control is one’s own awareness.
Anything other than that is an act against existence.
Our technologies are against existence for the most part, so we create a situation in which we are not in balance with nature and our natural systems.
It is not that technology is bad, but that the relationship which we give it is one of distrust.
It is created because we distrust nature, including our own.
It is not supplementary, but rather dominating and aggressively exploitive.

We must all be careful with the ‘spells’ we cast, the illusions we project, the things we seek.
We are all interconnected, and truth, awareness, and authenticity will help set us all free.
Accept.
Love,
Forgive,
Trust
And rejoice
Otherwise you will simply find yourself in misery.

trying to understand this

2006-10-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

How is it that some of us are made to starve physically when all we want is a little touch? A little lovin?

My experience throughout my life has been one that lends to frustration.
It is the cosmic joke in my life.
So many women love me so deeply.
Such incredibly deep connections.
Yet they will not cross into the zone of physical intimacy with me.
I ask, “why?”
Am I too intense?
Is it simply not the way I am supposed to be living?
Not once has it been said that it is an issue of attraction.
Almost every time, the attraction is there, but for some reason, it is not allowed to be expressed.
Brings me back once again to the concept of Brahmacharya.
Moving beyond sexuality and purely into the spiritual.
Dropping sex altogether.

Being an aries with major fire and an intense sensuality and romantic, devotional nature, it seems and feels absurd to even think about moving in that direction.

In one of the early and seminal books by Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, titled “From Sex to Samadhi” he talks about the ladder.
How if we do not climb those first rungs…the rungs of the “lower” chakras, we cannot expect to be properly grounded in the higher ones.
To skip them is to in many ways not build a correct or stable foundation.
Sexuality is not to be looked at as crass, as something undeserving or wrong, animalistic and in the way or corrupting of spirituality.
Rather, it is to be seen as a possible gateway, a chance for transformation, for learning, for intimacy and the combining of the higher and lower.
He also states how at some point it is likely to be dropped, not needed anymore.

What happens to those of us that have already moved into the upper but never got a chance to properly deal with our sexuality due to childhood programs that managed to run well into adulthood?

I myself, have come face to face with the ugliness of misguided sexuality on many occasions in my life, and very very rarely did I ever participate.
I think of the chances for casual sex back in high school, the times that I was right there, being begged for it, yet I refused, because I did not feel that it was healthy or natural.
They were not women whom I wanted to allow my energies to mingle so closely with. The intention was escape, not a coming together.
It was not the way in which I wanted to share myself with that particular person at that time. There was not the level of connection, of meaning, which I find necessary in ANY endevour I participate in.
Somehow, it seems like in the reaction to backwards hamfisted rules about sexuality brought forth by dominator religions born in the middle east (the judeo-christian-islamic triad) many go in a meaningless direction instead of seeking a deeper truth about the role of sex and sexuality.

It seem to be only in some eastern traditions such as tantra (which is mistaken to be nothing but a sexual thing when it is in actuality a complete life philosophy that happens to include a healthy relationship with sex) and some western mystical and magical traditions that the legacy of a healthy relationship and a deep understanding of the energetics behind the ecstatic experience have survived and flourished.
They are only recently coming back into the mainstream mindset, and can really be a disruptive force for many.

In an age where meaningless animalistic sex is rampant, porn flourishes, it is not surprising that life itself is becoming more and more crass and meaningless.
Understand this – porn is not representative of the freeing up of sexuality. It is rather the debasing of it. Making it meaningless. It is an entropic and enslaving function.
Leftists and liberals need to understand that an opposite reaction to a stupid original notion does not make it healthy or right. It is nothing but a childish reaction.

And most importantly, hedonism without awareness or depth is entropic in nature, as it feeds on the suffering of others so that a few can live a life of escapism.
There is nothing wrong with a pleasurable life, with hedonism itself, but rather in the way it is approached and the qualities brought to it.
It is the same with all things both internal and external.

To quote from a book I once read but can’t remember the name of right now;
“How we fuck is how we create the world.”

Here is a brief primer on the energetics of ecstacy and sex.

We are all conduits. We birth energy and intention into the world with our every thought and belief.
When we are in ecstatic states, we become hyper tuned, so to speak.
Our channels open up wider, we have more of an influence on the energies in the world.
This is probably the MAIN reason why we are kept in fear, in suffering, and in a state of being terrorized.
If we are free from the fear and understand our own ability to influence the world around us directly, we become powerful and no longer need those who wish to control us through culture and belief systems to tell us what is what, or to provide for us the things which we have the ability to provide for ourselves and our communities.
When we come to an understanding that our every thought and action influences the world around us indirectly through the energy and intention we create with our beliefs, we have to wear our own responsibility.
Many are simply not ready for this.
And the implications are staggering.
If what quantum theorists posit to be true actually is, if we really have that much influence on reality simply through our beliefs and perception, then one must begin to question even the right to privacy in personal beliefs. Because if this influence is true, nothing is private, as we all directly effect everything and most importantly everyone around us.

When it comes to the ecstatic experience, or the orgasmic experience, and we are opened up so wide to the cosmos, to “god”, we then have to be doubly responsible.
If we bring selfishness or debased meaninglessness into the equation, we bring more of that into the world. If we bring love and prosperity, a sharing, a giving and loving attitude and intention into the mix, we birth more beauty into the world.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that the majority of the human world’s problems are not caused by politics or religion directly, but rather indirectly, by influencing unhealthy, uncentered ecstatic activity.
Getting off as an escape brings nothing but less awareness, a deadness.
It is but a temporary jolt of pleasure.
This does not mean that it is not a starting point, but rather I would suggest that one move deeper.
It makes no sense to me that so many prefer sexual partners whom they do not know rather than those they love the most.
It seems to me that one would want to share the deepest of possible intimacies with one they love dearly, which they are forming a deep loving bond with.
But so many are confused about this.
And then they wonder why satisfaction never comes in their sexual relationships, why they are always at odds and fighting some unseen frustration.

Some psychologists and humanists would argue that sexuality is strictly an animal function, a way of people bonding in communities, finding their spot in the hierarchy. But I would say that they are not recognizing that their view is totally informed by the religious history of the west and by using the example of less evolved species in order to inform our own actions, which is not an evolutionary standpoint or view, but an entropic one. Looking at previous, supposedly less advanced examples to inform the future is like driving with the rearview mirror. It is obnoxiously ignorant and shortsighted.
If evolution is truly the case, then we should never be worshiping our elders, as it is the next generation which is ALWAYS more capable than the previous.

Time and again, good friends express their frustrations as they try to connect with situations and people that are obviously not naturally occurring, while right in front of them are loving relationships that may be wide open to this deeper expression.
The usual explanation is one of not wanting to taint the dynamic, or bring it down to a lower level. Or that the friendship could not survive if the sexual aspect does not.
At least this is my experience.
Yet this is exactly what they are doing by going to meaningless frustrating sources to fulfill their sexual and physical needs. They go to the shallow end of the pool instead of diving deeper into the ocean of love that is already there, waiting for them to dive in.

Our culture is destroying our ability to connect intimately within our own communities.
We have been convinced that we should not. That it will lead to complications that only exist in the abstract, in the fear that resides in the mind.
We have been taught to distrust our own ability to create our own connections and solve our own problems. To have friendships that can survive experimentation and growth.
It is the schizophrenic desire to either own or be able to completely remove oneself which causes the problem. Many do not see or experience the in between.
What if it is really possible to explore deeper relationships within ur own communities and have the support of that community as the experiment unfolds?
Is it not usually the friend who deals with the aftermath?
How is it that we have come to accept the idea that this should be separated from the actual experience? Shouldn’t we be going deeper into that experience with the actual participants? In a partnership that is based on mutual growth and self discovery?

I personally do not know what to do anymore.
I am frustrated with this cosmic joke which is being played with me.
I might as well not even have a cock.
What is the point if no one who I wish to share myself with is willing to participate?
Especially when I have so much to give in terms of intimacy and love?
I am NOT going to lower myself down to the animalistic, meaningless, crass world of one night stands and meaningless copulation.
It is simply not my way.
So, all I can do is accept.
Be ok with that which actually is given.
And maybe one day I will be blessed enough to start a family of my own.
One can only hope!

And I come back, once again, to it being just me, by myself, with no life partner, no one to share my daily experiences with, no one to sleep next to, no one to share even the simplest of intimacies with.
I say that, yet I see, right in front of me, the door I have been looking for.
A friend that will walk in that middle ground, be an amazing healing force in my life, even if that one boundary of intimacy will more than likely not be crossed.
And I feel infinitely blessed.

Maybe part of my frustration is due to getting older.
I’m half way to 70, and the world is becoming more and more a place of confusion and a place where we can’t quite be sure if we will be here tomorrow.
Yet another part of that frustration due to having the most amazing beings in existence in my life. (and that frustration is birthed completely of my desire for more)
Especially the most recent arrival, who completely and utterly blows me away.
It is difficult to not be able to express such intimacies with one whom I feel I have even lived previous lives with.
We search a lifetime for someone who can walk the walk with us, who shares that common deep language of our soul.
I do not understand how when that is found it is not allowed to blossom, to flourish, to be a coming together in ALL aspects.
But that is not only my choice to make, it is a process of co-creation, and once again I have to withhold for the other, or walk away, and I cannot walk away from such a deep love and connection.
So the drama continues.
And with it my depth and understanding grows too.

Can one really expect a new partner to come along and be ok with a friendship between a male and female which in all aspects other than sex is on a level of intimacy that could possibly rival marriage?
That is a lot to ask.
In my experience it gets to be a mess of jealousy.
The new person does not know enough about my past or the way in which I love to properly perceive my intentions. They do not realize that I may be overflowing and have enough love for everyone.
And I do not want to give up the friendship.
I WILL NOT give up those friendships for a relationship.
That is notloving behavior, but rather behavior based on fear and insecurity.

Matter of fact, I cannot see any other relationship even matching the richness of that deep friendship.
Rather, I see that deep connection being the seed for partnership, the place where good healthy balanced relationships start.

So I move on…slightly frustrated, a little amused, a little sad, and wondering if I can handle this process yet again.

The key is always to look at the gain rather than the loss.
And I have gained one of the most beautiful bonds I could ever imagine.

Someone who is healing, giving, loving beyond belief.
Someone who wants to be an active part of my unfolding and wants me to be a part of hers, intimately - in a way that is of the deepest variety of experience.

I cannot turn away from that.
The only thing I can do is dive deeper, knowing that somehow, someway, it will naturally be what it is meant to be.
Life takes care of us if we let it.
It is just a matter of trusting and letting go.
Let it flow.
And let love be free.

autumn colors - new dj mix

2006-10-16T14:22:00.000-07:00

new dj mix!
feeling inspired.
love will do that.

here is the link:
Oct 15 mix by Slipp Chilll - 66.35 min. 91.5 MB @ 192kbps
mixed in Traktor 3

tracklist:
01. As One - Isatai
02. Clara Hill meets Atjazz - Nowhere (I Can Go)
03. Roy Ayers - I Am Your Mind (Basement Jaxx Summer Classix mix)
04. Alice Russell - Could Heaven Ever Be Like This (Bugz In The Attic mix)
05. John Arnold - Geminade
06. Likwid Biskit - Herbs and Spice
07. Positive Flow - Come Fly With Me (Mr. Gone's Re-confunkshun Mix)
08. Jerome Sydenham & Kerri Chandler - KÚ KÚ
09. Bugz In The Attic - Booty La La (Psyan's Booty Bounce Mix)
10. Delgui Feat. Marilyn David - Boogie Bridge (4/4 Tweak mix)
11. Bugz In The Attic - Move Aside (Cosmic Brokefunk mix by Slipp Chilll)
12. As One - Leviathan

Blue Apples

2006-10-10T20:19:00.000-07:00

BLUE APPLES
a taste of enlightenment....

If i'd done this correctly in terms of the story in Eden, then i guess there should already be a bite outa that sucker, eh? ;^)

So, what exactly happened in the garden?

While doing some research for a book I am in the process of writing, I came across an interesting take on the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. But not as interesting as William Henry's (see BLUE APPLES link above).
It comes in the form of the Manichaen interpretation of the story, In which Mani attempts to explain that it is Yahweh that is the liar and that the Serpent is actually telling the truth when Eve takes the Fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.
I find this shortsighted but on the right track, and will explain my understanding after a little bit of background, which i have borrowed and seriously revised in terms of proper language (attempting to remove persuasive and coercive terminology and phrasing) from this page: www.hiddenmeanings.com/paralleluniverse.htm

From approximately 210AD to 276 AD, It is believed that Mani lived in the area of asia currently referred to as Iran.
Manichaeism, a highly influential religion, was founded around him.

Manichaeism is extreme in its insistence on duality.
The Cosmos is seen as a battleground for the war between the material and the spiritual, represented as the "bad" and "good" gods respectively.
Christians of the period (and some currently) recognized the evil god as represented by Satan, but would not accept the idea that Satan could have as much power as Yahweh.
In accordance with the story of Lucifer, they hold that Satan (mistakenly considered to be a specific entity, namely Lucifer, rather than being an "office" or position of power or metaphorical description of an archetypal way of being and expression), unlike Yahweh, is a created being.
A Fallen Angel cast down from service to Yahweh due to his insistence on being separate but equal.(this is the birth of what we refer to as EGO - hence, egotism is Luciferianism - it is also the mechanism through which cancer cells flourish living at the expense of all cells around them and denying the symbiotic relationship to the whole - but that is another topic altogether that gets into holography and all kinds of stuff like that.)
This becomes a very important point in the story of the Garden, especially since there is the possibility that the Serpent is a third entity altogether, as the Serpent is not referred to by name as either Satan or Lucifer.

The Manichees were a syncretic religion, attempting to include the religious traditions within their experiential scope within their dogma and symbolism. As a result, they preserved many apocryphal Christian works, such as the Acts Of Thomas, that otherwise would have been lost. While eager to describe himself as a "disciple of Jesus Christ", Mani found the orthodox church rejecting him as a heretic.

It is quite possible that it was Mani's interpretation of the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden which led to his eventual demise at the hands of the "Christian" establishment.
According to Mani's understanding, When Eve takes the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, It is not the Serpent who is the liar, the "evil" god, but rather Yahweh who is deceitful and evil.
This is where I personally feel that Mani shows himself to be an unenlightened being.
His insistence on a dualistic nature keeps him blind from the possibility of BOTH beings telling the TRUTH.
the following in quotes is directly from the previously mentioned website:
(text in parentheses are my additional notes)

"Mani said that the Serpent told Eve the truth. That if she took of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil she would become as God and not die as the Evil God (Yahweh) told her.
Mani in identifying the serpent as the Good Spiritual God made it clear that the God we identified as Good (Yahweh) was the evil physical God because he lied when he told Adam and Eve that if they ate the fruit they would die.
The serpent who Mani said was the Good Spiritual God told Eve that if they ate the fruit they would not die but would become as God which was true.
That statement about identifying which voice was the Good God, the invisible one or the serpent is borne out in this scripture."

ok....so, I see this as an oversimplification in the extreme.
First of all, there is no clear definition of what is meant by the term "die" within this passage. This could very easily be a mystical language, especially considering the context!
the death of the self? the death of a way of knowing and being up until this point (the point of tasting of the fruit), when we are reborn into something new? is it possible to die and not die at the same time?
I say an emphatic YES!
what is being discussed here is none other than that which the eastern philosophies and religions term Enlightenment, It is also represented in the Death and Resurrection of the many SUNs of GODfrom Christ to Krishna, from Osirus to Mithras and on and on)
It may refer to the dissolution of the self in order to be born into a higher state on consciousness, of being.
first step is the fall from innocence, the split which creates the situation in which one can know the "self" .
The foundation is built.
only then can one KNOWINGLY rather than ignorantly return to the state of ONENESS from which we supposedly rose or fell, depending on your interpretation.

Yet both Mani and the author of the website can't get over the Aristotelian hump, even though further down the webpage the topic is quantum physics which blows dualistic either/or logic out of the water in favor of a both/and inter-relationship.

more from the webpage:

" 'John 8:44 You are of your father the devil, and the lusts of your father you will do.
He was a murderer from the beginning, and abode not in the truth, because there is no truth in him.
When he speaks a lie, he speaks of his own: for he is a liar, and the father of it.'

So you see Mani is saying that the serpent is the Good God because he told the truth when he said that by eating the fruit, Adam and Eve would become as God, whereas God told them they would die.

' Genesis 2:16. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat:
17. But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you shall not eat of it: for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.'

OK That's God's side, now let's hear from the Serpent

'Genesis 3:4. And the serpent said to the woman, You shall not die:
5. For God knows that in the day you eat that, then your eyes shall be opened, and you shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.'

Now we have two entities here.

One says if you eat you shall die. The other says that..s a lie you will not die but if you eat you shall be as gods.

So who is the liar and remember the Bible says Satan the Devil is the father of lies.

(this has got to be one of the most oversimplified and non-explanatory sentences in the whole website - we need actual passages that equate the devil, the serpent, and satan here, otherwise, this point is null and void)

'Genesis 3:22. And the Lord God said, Behold, the man has become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
23. Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden'

So there is the answer.
The Bible says that it is Satan that is a liar and the father of lies. In this story it is the Serpent that said you will not die you will be as Gods.
It was God that said you will die.
According to the Bible they did not die but became as Gods. You can see for yourself, ..man is become as one of us.
Therefore it was the Serpent who was telling the truth and God who was lying.
Thus who is Satan?
So Mani is correct."

-end of passage from website

ok...so I think this is idiocy.
for a person who is attempting to play off some sort of righteous esoteric knowledge, this is an extremely weak argument.
It is attempting to use rational logic to understand a form of expression that is not based in logic and reason, but rather in mysticism.

I see it thusly:

By eating of the fruit, we lose our innocence and are split into duality. good/bad and all of that.
ask yourself, do you believe that the activities or possible actions that occurred both before and after eating of the fruit were different?
was there even an issue whether or not adam had sex with eve out of wedlock before eating of the fruit?
or how about if they liked backdoor antics, so to speak?
seriously...it is a possibility isn't it?
a visceral one...
or was that made a sin only after eating of the fruit?
or is it only the perception of whether or not that action is good or evil which was born upon the tasting of that fruit?

to taste the Fruit is to Die to Innocence.
the "good god" Yahweh does not lie about this.
but the Serpent does not lie either.
The messages of the two are COMPLIMENTARY.
In order to understand the world in dualistic terms, in terms of good and evil, one must sacrifice their innocence. To know of good and evil is to be as gods, or so says genesis.
The Serpent says that you will know as the gods know (as the higher beings know).
You will be started upon the path to a deeper understanding and relationship to the divine.
through opposites, definitions and refinement of understanding are possible.
Being able to compare, contrast. there are two sides.
but both sides are still a part of one coin, so to speak.
If the serpent truly says that Yahweh is lying, then the serpent is lying, not Yahweh.
In this way the serpent may be attempting to convince Eve that she does NOT have to give up her innocence to know good and evil. It is a very subtle point, but very important.
This is how people become enslaved.
Humans are misled about the repercussions of their decisions while those who wish to control have complete knowledge of them;
then, when the truth is revealed and the humans realize the price, those who knew what was up from the beginning conveniently provides a solution or sustenance that creates the situation which they so desired from the onset.
This is a kind of metaphysical dangling of the carrot.

Just follow the carrot...do not worry...there are no holes in the road...oh, sorry..there was one right there...let me give you this splint for your broken leg...now don't ever take it off. I've given it to you so you can walk. now that you have been damaged, you cannot walk without it, so never take it off, you must now walk as i tell you to walk, for your own good, for your SAFETY.

So, be aware, and do not think that anything comes for free.
something must always be sacrificed.
But the dualistic path is the long path.
yet in a very real way, it is the Crucible through which we must go in order to reach "Heaven"
It is most impressively expressed in the tradition of Alchemy, the marriage of opposites.
There lies a rich language of symbols and language which stretched thru all traditions.
The answers are never in the dogma. it is dogma which separates.
it is the mystical which connects all things and transcends differences.
it is the DIRECT EXPERIENCE which is the truth, not the shadows of tradition.
an d the most visceral question of all:
"How worthy is a God of being believed in if he cannot even manage to forgive the one who was once his most highly respected servant? If even god is not capable of that kind of compassion, yet I am , what does that mean?"

moon power

2006-10-05T21:41:00.000-07:00

The Goddess
Rides the night sky

I am bathed
In her
Beauty

naturally

2006-10-04T18:02:00.000-07:00

lightheaded

wonderous dreams

possibilities

my heart

open

WIDE

waiting

to

see

hear

smell

touch

her divine sweetness

i understand the silence...

2006-10-03T20:07:00.000-07:00

...but I want the tide to come back in!

Relax, it's all good

2006-10-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

Road north and over to Foster Beach this morning.
Beautiful.
I am LOVING riding the new bike.
Totally different experience than my other bike.
Actually enjoyable!
Decided to head home at exactly the right time because it is now stormin bigtime!
Yay fall thunderstorms!

congratulations to EB and BQ.
you too are great and I know that you will have a wonderful life together!
Way to go E!

changes coming

2006-10-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

Things

Are
About
To

Happen
.

Life

Getting
All twisted

Massive change

Just around
The corner

Will there be
Respect
~?~

Or

Continued
Ignorance
~?~

The time
Is

NOW

To
Change
Sustenance

Trusting
Life
I must
Surrender
To the
Flow
.

Knowing

That
The branches

Interweaving

Will not
Engulf
Me

Rather

Support
Me
.

It is time

To Live

My

Art

Love

Prayer

day 14 take 2

2006-10-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

day 14 take 2, originally uploaded by intuitive cat.

it is not
the urban self
which is clear
but rather
the meditative
buddha
nature
being

OSHO - the rebel...a reminder

2006-10-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

OSHO, originally uploaded by Tone 777.

People are afraid, very much afraid of those who know themselves. They have a certain power, a certain aura and a certain magnetism, a charisma that can take out alive, young people from the traditional imprisonment....

The enlightened man cannot be enslaved - that is the difficulty - and he cannot be imprisoned....
Every genius who has known something of the inner is bound to be a little difficult to be absorbed;
he is going to be an upsetting force.
The masses don't want to be disturbed, even though they may be in misery; they are in misery,
but they are accustomed to the misery.
And anybody who is not miserable looks like a stranger.

The enlightened man is the greatest stranger in the world;
he does not seem to belong to anybody.
No organization confines him, no community, no society, no nation.

Osho The Zen Manifesto: Freedom from Oneself Chapter 9

Whether he is wealthy or poor,
the Rebel is really an emperor because he has broken the chains of society's repressive conditioning and opinions.
He has formed himself by embracing all the colors of the rainbow, emerging from the dark and formless roots of his unconscious past and growing wings to fly into the sky.
His very way of being is rebellious - not because he is fighting against anybody or anything, but because he has discovered his own true nature and is determined to live in accordance with it.
The eagle is his spirit animal, a messenger between earth and sky.

The Rebel challenges us to be courageous enough to take responsibility for who we are and to live our truth.

The Gift of Life

2006-09-29T09:00:00.000-07:00

624-louvre-egypte.jpg, originally uploaded by ds-17.

steamroller wheels a' turnin'

2006-09-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

steamroller wheels a' turnin', originally uploaded by intuitive cat.

Well, the city of Chicago finally decided to re"pave" the alley at work.
It has been resurfaced at least 3 times since i started working there and they do a shitty job every time.
Once again they left a nice little trench right along our building for water to gather in & flow right into our basement.
Nice.
I do not really understand why they believe that asphalt is going to stand up to the rigors of daily delivery truck traffic, the slamming down of load/unload ramps and dumpsters galore.
but that is the way they roll...
the drainage has always been a problem.
there used to be a small trench cut the length of the alley that led to teh stormdrain at the end.
Those were the good days.
Hold on....am i reminiscing about better days in the alley behind work?
That's just wrong.
But i did always make sure that tranch was clear of debris.

This morning, the trip to work was a mess.
I guess there were 2 separate problems on teh Brown Line el this morning.
The first, wich effected my trip to work, was a power outage - or at least that is what is reported.
Later, there was a woman who jumped in front of one of the trains.
Yikes.
Maybe it was really only the one incident and then the story got covered all strangely, I am not quite sure.
Too lazy to go look for news links right now.

I ended up getting off of the train a few stops south of home and walked back to get my bike and ride to work.
It was a nice change of pace and i got to try out my new bike on a longer ride.
i have GOT to transfer my toeclips and fenders onto that thing. I missed the clips a lot today. Especially when I hit the headwind.

Out tonite to see my friend Ami G play out.
have not seen her in a long time. should be fun.

Killing People is Rude

2006-09-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

Killing People is Rude, originally uploaded by intuitive cat.

Nuff Said

day 11 of 365

2006-09-27T18:44:00.000-07:00

day 11 of 365
Originally uploaded by intuitive cat.

I seem to be going with the ebb and flow of things pretty well these days.
Keeping myself busy and creative.
Surprised that phorography has grabbed me for now.
but what can ya do?
It's all i can do to not spend hours in front of Photoshop working on images.

I'm looking forward to a few possible autumn roadtrips.
Wondering who time will be spent with as everything shifts around a little bit more.

Wishing I could quit my job and dive headfirst into projects galore.
Feeling a need for more time outside.
More nature.
More green.
I manage to find a few spots here and there around the city.
Marta has been helpin out in that regard too.
Our recent trip up to a Nature preserver in Crystal Lake was a blast.
We even got to sit in the woods through a downpour.
Then layed out on some picnic tables basking in the sun.
kinda wish i was in Bimini with her swimming with the wild dophins right about now....
but what can ya do?

day 10 of 365

2006-09-26T20:20:00.000-07:00

day 10 of 365
Originally uploaded by intuitive cat.

It was an amazingly beautiful day today.
Went out wandering this afternoon, needing to be in the sun.
Headed west over to Albany Park just to lay out on the grass and soak up some sun for awhile.
Then headed up California Ave. til i reached the park and Nature Trail at Lawerence.
I was hoping for more graffiti finds, but was astonished at how many great photos i managed to take.
I had forgotten how much i love the random finds as well as the act of simply being observant.
I can see how it could become a meditative thing.
It definitely helps bring one to awareness, being in the now.
I also found a bike today abandoned by the woods.
I left it there for hours waiting to see if anyone would claim it even searching through the woods to see if perchance it belonged to a fisherman/woman or someone else wandering around in there.
But alas, no one to be found.
and the bike is exactly my size.
the one i ahve been riding for the last 5 years is actually a bit big for me, and I have always felt that the geometry was all outa whack for my body.
It was simply not comfortable to ride.
But this bike, riding it around this evening i was like "Oh yeah! This is what it is supposed to feel like to ride a bike! This is fun!"
anyway...
click on the photo above or the flickr thingy to the right to see my pics from the day.

day 6 of 365

2006-09-22T15:35:00.000-07:00

day 6 of 365
Originally uploaded by intuitive cat.

loving this project.
it is such an interesting time right now.
i feel on the verge of somany great things
i know they are happening
i can see them in the corners of my vision.
i wonder...how will things manifest?
so much love, but always a step in way in the one way i am craving the most. companionship.
but it's all good.
the love i am enveloped in is warm and inspiring.

fire heart

2006-09-20T08:38:00.000-07:00

fire, originally uploaded by intuitive cat.

surrounded by silence
i am brought back home
to the me that is not me
the play that was not played
sannyas calls yet again.

i hear my wordless name upon the wind
whispering to me

"let go and ride the breeze.
we will dance until the day we settle
back into the earth
and give our bodies
to tomorrows trees."

in the words of the Muadib

"It is time for the Dreamer To Awaken!"

but that is just the beginning,
the foundation.
one must also listen
to his son Leto
and

"Follow the Golden Path"

free from fate
choosing destiny
no longer a slave
wearing our new robes
of response-ability

the new human rises
dissolving obsolete programs
rising above primal brain circuitry
moving into awareness

there is no battle,
no war
but the war between
control and trust.
represented in flesh
by the priest and the mystic
respectively

yet even those who are against existence
cannot live without it.
they just go on creating
hell on earth
as they project
neurosis
madness
on even the most innocent.

discover and cultivate
your sweetest fragrance
and let it waft thru the air
caressing all you meet.

Be
the blooming flower in the desert
inspiring all to celebrate
and recognize
the Gift of all gifts:
Life

day 2 of the 365 day self portrait project

2006-09-18T20:22:00.000-07:00

day 2 of the 365 day self portrait project
Originally uploaded by intuitive cat.

I've spent the last couple of years feeding all of this information into myself.
techniques of self realization, enlightenment.
asking what it means,which brand of enlightenment is which?
what exactly are these strange experiments of mystics which are meant to set us free from all of the programming which has been imprinted on us since birth?
I have spent so much time analyzing, grokking these things that i have forgotten to partake in the gifts they bring.
I have not shed the junk.
it is still clogging my system.
it brings fears. idiotic ones.
the kind that stop me in my tracks for no rational reason whatsoever.
allowing past patterns to be projected forward to a place where they do not belong.
all i can do is ask for understanding and compassion from those who have to bare the fruits of these dis-eases inside of me.
no matter how open or expansive i want to be, i have been getting gummed up.
one minute it is there, the next it is gone, and i revert to a less developed, less aware state.
all i want to do is love.
openly.
generously.
people project their own ideas of love and relating.
it cannot be helped.
this is why we must all develop our communication ability.
the only way in an ever changing world to be dancing gracefully is to be able to have that communication, to let it flow.
there is an element of trust involved that many are not ready for.
so many of us bare wounds which we almost get addicted to licking.
we won't leave them alone, wearing them like badges.
we call ourselves rebels, free beings, yet continue to build walls around ourselves in order to protect us from our fears of loss, of rejection, of suffering.
not trusting the other to want to play fairly or respectfully.
and without a dialogue this is going to be the case due to the expectation of it being so.
those same walls keep out the deepest of experiences.
the kind we can look back on years from now and laugh.
thinking it silly how afraid we were going into the situation.

we can either cringe at ourselves or accept our own ugliness and work with it, refining, transmutiing,
while loving, accepting the process, the mistakes, the foolishness and embarassing moments.
i cannot help but be a fool. over and over.
some would say that the one who jumps fast, who is willing to leap is the weaker,
the one who is mistaken, the one who does not have the strength.
the foolish one. taking unnecessary risks.
but i beg to differ.
it is only those who are willing to jump which will fly.
you must risk to gain.
i lose nothing. even the suffering is a gain.
i gain experience, wisdom, and the blessing of interacting with divine beings
(yeah, every one of you!).
it is only in desire, in expectations in wanting the other to meet my definition in which the problems and suffering arise.
and how can any of those things be anything but illusions unless there is a deep empathy and understanding of the other?
everyone is practicing, experimenting, learning.
judging ain't gonna help.
guiding people to their own truths will.
we all get to dance together.
and there are many dances,
close intimate ones with partners, synchronized ones with groups, and expressive explosions of the individual.
aesthetics. each providing it's own language and dimension of experience and possibilities.

The time has come for me to dive deeper.
i have GOT to get this junk outa here before it strangles me.
i've been my worst enemy long enough.
i'm tired of excuses.

i need to learn to stand strong in front of the goddess and recognize my own godliness.
and own it.

day 1 of the 365 day self portrait project

2006-09-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

day 1 of the 365 day self portrait project
Originally uploaded by intuitive cat.

I will be taking a good look at myself over the next year.
much healing to be had.
growing up overweight left deep body image scars.
thanks to Danielle for turnin me onto this project.
should be an interesting journey.
self reflection.
it's quite an interesting thing.

Naqoyqatsi - alternative soundtrack mix finally done!

2006-09-17T09:57:00.000-07:00

finally!
just posted a new dj mix which while not originally intended to be, ended up being sync'd to go along with the movie Naqoyqatsi, the third movie of the Koyanisqaatsi trilogy.
I've made both 128 and 320kbps versions available.
you can download them with these links:
Mechanized Mentalities 128kbps version . 77.2MB
Mechanized Mentalities 320kbps version . 192.8MB
the mix ranges from in your face to tongue in cheek and back again.
considering the subject matter of the movie I think i managed to create a pretty well balanced mix that remains playful in its intensity.
the playlist is in the graphic below
so, download the mix, rent or buy the movie, sync 'em up and enjoy!

2006-09-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

thanks to Krish for posting these on his blog.
hope you do not mind i nabbed them. saved me a lot of transcribing!

Rajneesh's take on art is something that i know a lot of artists are not ready to face.
For many creative folks, they are so used to the art being born of friction and pain that they cannot imagine any other way of doing it, so they remain in unhealthy realities and fixations so that they have a constant nourishment for their creativity.
they fail to recognize that there is another more lifegiving kind of nourishment available.
life is not all suffering. and our fixation on that suffering does nothing but reinforce it.
that said...here is what the "bhagwan" had to say:

Insight on Art by Osho

There are two types of creators in the world: one type of creator works with objects - a poet, a painter, they work with objects, they create things; the other type of creator, the mystic, creates himself, he works with the subject; he works on himself, his own being. And he is the real creator, the real poet, because he makes himself into a masterpiece.

The subjective art means you are pouring your subjectivity onto the canvas,
your dreams, your imaginations, your fantasies.
It is a projection of your psychology.
The same happens in poetry, in music, in all dimensions of creativity -
you are not concerned with the person who is going to see your painting,
not concerned what will happen to him when he looks at it;
that is not your concern at all.
Your art is simply a kind of vomiting.
It will help you, just the way vomiting helps.
It takes the nausea away, it makes you cleaner, makes you feel healthier.
But you have not considered what is going to happen to the person who is going to see your vomit.
He will become nauseous.
He may start feeling sick.

Look at the paintings of Picasso. He is a great painter, but just a subjective artist.
Looking at his paintings, you will start feeling sick, dizzy, something going berserk in your mind.
You cannot go on looking at Picasso's painting for long.
You would like to get away, because the painting has not come from a silent being.
It has come from a chaos.
It is a byproduct of a nightmare.
But ninety-nine percent of art belongs to that category.

Objective art is just the opposite.
The man has nothing to throw out, he is utterly empty, absolutely clean.
Out of this silence, out of this emptiness arises love, compassion.
And out of this silence arises a possibility for creativity.
This silence, this love, this compassion - these are the qualities of meditation.

Meditation brings you to your very center.
And your center is not only your center, it is the center of the whole existence.
Only on the periphery we are different.
As we start moving toward the center, we are one.
We are part of eternity, a tremendously luminous experience of ecstasy that is beyond words.
Something that you can be... but very difficult to express it.
But a great desire arises in you to share it, because all other people around you are groping for exactly such experiences.
And you have it, you know the path.

And these people are searching everywhere except within themselves - where it is!
You would like to shout in their ears.
You would like to shake them and tell them, "Open your eyes! Where are you going? Wherever you go, you go away from yourself.
Come back home, and come as deep into yourself as possible."

This desire to share becomes creativity.
Somebody can dance.
There have been mystics - for example, Jalaluddin Rumi - whose teaching was not in words, whose teaching was in dance.
He will dance.
His disciples will be sitting by his side, and he will tell them, "Anybody who feels like joining me can join.
It is a question of feeling.
If you don't feel like, it is up to you.
You can simply sit and watch."

But when you see a man like Jalaluddin Rumi dancing, something dormant in you becomes active.
In spite of yourself you find you have joined the dance.
You are already dancing before you become aware that you have joined it.

Even this experience is of tremendous value, that you have been pulled like a magnetic force.
It has not been your mind decision, you have not weighed for pro and for against, to join or not to join, no.
Just the beauty of Rumi's dance, his spreading energy, has taken possession of you.
You are being touched.
This dance is objective art.

And if you can continue - and slowly you will become more and more unembarrassed, more and more capable - soon you will forget the whole world.
A moment comes, the dancer disappears and only the dance remains.

. . .. ... ..... ........ .............

Is it ever possible to paint a totally satisfying painting?
Osho - The Book of Wisdom, Discourse 20

WHILE PAINTING, EACH MOMENT can be totally satisfying. But once the painting is complete it can never be totally satisfying, because if it is totally satisfying the painter will have to commit suicide. There will be no need to live any more.

That's why I say life is longing, pure longing -- longing to attain higher and higher peaks, longing to go deeper and deeper into existence. But each moment can be utterly satisfying; that difference has to be remembered. When you are painting, each brush, each color that you throw on the canvas, each moment of it, is totally satisfying. There is nothing more to it. You are utterly lost, possessed, if you are a creator.

If you are only a technician then it is not so. The technician is not lost while he is painting, he is separate from his painting. He is just using his knowledge. He knows how to paint, that's all. There is nothing in his heart to paint -- no vision, no poetry, no song. He has nothing to create, but just the technology. He is a technician, not an artist. He can paint -- but while painting it is not meditation for him, it is not a love affair for him. He is doing it; he is a doer, separate. But the creator is not separate while he is creating, he is one with it. He is utterly lost, he has forgotten himself.

That's why when painters are painting they forget about food, forget about thirst, forget about sleep. They forget about the body so much that they can go on painting for eighteen hours without feeling at all tired. Each moment is absolutely satisfying.

But once the painting is complete, a great sadness descends on the real painter. These differences have to be remembered. When the painting is complete, the technician feels very happy: a good job done, finished. He is feeling tired; it was a long tiring process, no contentment on the way. He was just waiting for the result, he was result-oriented. He wanted to finish it somehow, and now it is finished. He takes a deep sigh of relief. He is happy, not while he is painting but only when the painting is complete.

Just the opposite happens to the creator. He is happy while he is painting; once the painting is complete, a great sadness descends on him. "So it is over? That peak, that climax, that orgasmic experience is over? That thrill, that adventure, that going into the unknown is over?" ... just as lovers feel sad after a deep orgasm: a subtle sadness, beautiful in itself, of tremendous value -- far more valuable than the happiness of the technician, because out of this sadness another painting will arise, out of this sadness another longing to soar high, another aspiration to reach beyond, another search, another inquiry, another pregnancy. The painter will be pregnant soon, will feel full, so full that he will have to share it again.

It is said that when Gibbon, the great historian, finished his great work about world history.... Thirty-three years it took to finish it, and he was so tremendously happy for those thirty-three years that it is said that he didn't age. He remained exactly the same, as if time never passed, as if time has stopped.

But the day it was finished he started crying. His wife could not believe it. She said, "You are crying? You should be happy, you should dance! The work is complete."

Gibbon said, "The work is complete. Now what is left for me? My life is complete." And within five years he aged so much, and by the seventh year he was gone.

IT IS SAID that Vincent van Gogh, the great Dutch painter, committed suicide when he felt that he had done the perfect painting. It is possible. If the painter feels the perfect has happened, then there is no point in living. The creator lives to create. The singer lives to sing, the dancer lives to dance, the lover lives to love, the tree lives to bloom -- if it has bloomed and the perfect flowers have come, then what is the point of prolonging a futile, meaningless existence?

Your question is significant. You ask: "Is it possible to paint a totally satisfying painting?"

Yes and no. Yes, while you are painting it will be totally satisfying. And no, once it is over you will feel great sadness. But that sadness is also creative, because it is only out of that sadness you will again start moving towards the sunlit peaks.

And in this life nothing really is ever perfect or can ever be perfect.

You will be surprised that I believe in an imperfect God. You will be shocked, because at least all the religions are agreed on one thing, that God is perfect. I don't agree, because if God is perfect then Friedrich Nietzsche is right that God is dead. God is perfectly imperfect -- that much I can say. Hence there is growth, evolution; hence there is movement. It is always, always coming closer and closer to perfection, but it is never perfect and it will never be perfect.

Nothing ever is perfect. In fact imperfection has a beauty of its own, because imperfection has a life. Whenever something is perfect -- just think, contemplate -- whenever something is really perfect, life will disappear from it.

Life can exist only if something is still imperfect and has to be perfected. Life is the effort to perfect the imperfect. Life is the ambition to make the ugly beautiful. Something of imperfection is a must for life to exist, for life to go on growing and flowing.

Nothing ever is perfect. Or if something any time happens to be perfect, in the East we have a right vision of it. We say whenever a person becomes perfect, that is his last life. The scriptures give different reasons for it; my reason is totally different. I say yes, when Buddha is perfect he will not come back, because perfection means life is no more possible. He will disappear into the cosmos.

RABINDRANATH, a great Indian poet and mystic, prayed his last prayer to God: "Send me back. Remember, I am not perfect. Send me back. Your world was too beautiful and you gave me such a precious life. And I don't want to disappear yet: I have yet to sing many songs, I have yet to paint many paintings, there is yet much in my heart which needs to bloom. Send me back, I am not perfect! Send me back."

That was his last prayer; he died praying this way. It is one of the most beautiful prayers and one of the most beautiful ways to die. How can one thank God more than this? "Your world was beautiful, I loved your world; I was not worthy of it but you made me. I am not worthy to be sent back, but still, your compassion is great. At least one time more, send me back."

LIFE KEEPS GROWING. Nothing ever is perfect -- or whenever something is perfect it disappears, it goes into annihilation. The Buddhist word is nirvana. Nirvana means annihilation, nirvana means cessation. Literally, nirvana means "blowing out the candle." Just as you blow out a candle and suddenly the light is gone, gone forever, has disappeared into nothingness -- that is nirvana. All the buddhas say whosoever becomes perfect moves into nirvana, goes into annihilation.

Don't hanker for a perfect painting, otherwise the painter will die. And you have yet to sing many songs.

And the painting cannot be perfect, the song and the dance cannot be perfect, for a few more reasons. One: when you visualize it in the deepest core of your heart, it is a totally different thing. When you start painting it, you are translating it from the subtle to the gross. In that very transforming, in that very translation, much is lost.

Hence no painter ever feels satisfied when he finishes his painting. It is not the same as that which he wanted to paint -- similar, but not the same. He has some vision to compare, it has fallen very short. Hence he starts another painting.

RABINDRANATH again has to be remembered. He wrote six thousand songs -- seems to be the greatest poet the world has ever known -- and each song is a beauty. But when he was dying he was crying, he was saying to God, "The song that I wanted to sing, I have not sung yet."

An old friend was by the side of the bed, and the old friend said, "What are you saying? Have you gone mad? You have sung six thousand songs. In Europe, Shelley is thought to be one of the greatest poets. He has sung only two thousand songs. You have defeated him three times. You should be happy and contented!"

Rabindranath opened his tear-filled eyes and he said, "I am not. Yes, six thousand songs I have sung, but you don't know the inner story. The inner story is, I wanted to sing only one song! But because it never was possible.... I tried once, failed; I tried again, I failed. Six thousand times I have failed. Those are all efforts, and I am not satisfied with any of them. That which I wanted to sing is still unsung."

In fact nobody can sing it.

Buddha used to declare in every town, wherever he would go, "Please don't ask these eleven questions." In those eleven questions, all important questions were included: God, soul, death, life, truth, everything important was included. Why? "Because," he would say, "they cannot be answered. Not that I don't know, but to bring them to words is impossible."

There was an ancient mysterious wall which stood at the edge of a village and whenever anyone climbed the wall to look onto the other side, instead of coming back he smiled and jumped to the other side, never to return. The inhabitants of the village became curious as to what could draw these beings to the other side of the wall. After all, their village had all the necessities of living a comfortable life.

They made an arrangement where they tied a person's feet, so when he looked over and wished to jump, they could pull him back.

The next time someone tried to climb the wall to see what was on the other side, they chained his feet so he could not go over. He looked on the other side and was delighted at what he saw, and smiled. Those standing below grew curious to question him and pulled him back. To their great disappointment he had lost the power of speech.

THOSE WHO HAVE SEEN cannot say. That which has been seen cannot be painted, cannot be reduced to words. But still each one has to give a try. The world goes on becoming more and more beautiful because of these efforts. The world is beautiful because of the six thousand songs that Rabindranath tried, although he failed to sing the song that he wanted. Those six thousand failures have made the world far more beautiful than it ever was. It will not be the same world again, those six thousand songs will go on resonating.

So go on painting, go on creating. Yet I tell you again and again, you will never be satisfied. I bless you that you should never be satisfied, but let each moment of your creativity be a great contentment. But when something is finished, move ahead. You have infinite capacities to create; you are unlimited, you don't have any limits to your potential. You are not aware what you can do, and you will never be aware unless you do it!

Hence the greatest creators are aware how poor has been their creation, because they become aware, more and more aware, how much more is possible. The ordinary person who has never created anything is not aware what he can do. There is no other way to know what you can do unless you do it. And while doing it you can see that what you wanted to do, what was very clear in your inner world, has become very dim and ordinary when it has been brought to the outer.

You will try again. Each effort will become better and better and better, more and more perfect, but never perfect.

. . .. ... ..... ........ .............

now that is good medicine to me.
i think i need to loosen up o that need to prefect things and start letting them go to be shared more readily.

Thank the Goddess

2006-09-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

I think that this past wednesday something happened.
and i have the most intriguing and inspiring woman i have met yet to thank for it.

The very quality and vibration of my being seems to have transformed.
a huge leap on the journey.
energy which was stuck is now flowing freely.
something shining, luminous, radiant being born.
clarity coming more and more.

at moments, i find myself desirous of more time in her presence.
a craving.
not hunger.
not neediness.
a desire to share
to support
to hold
to uplift
to laugh
to love
naturally.

A spark has been lit under my ass and i find my creativity overflowing.

people are even looking at me a little bit strangely on the street.
i wonder, is it because they are not used to seeing someone who is at peace?
who is at ease?

i know that i will not spend 911 in the trance of terror,
but rather in the arms of Tara (enlightened compassion)

resistance is sloughing off of me as i move into the vibration of creation.

No desire to own, to control, to demand.
simply seeking resonance, sharing, co-creation.

It is always blissful to connect with fellow seekers.
When that seeker happens to be a super hot goddess
who is able to keep up with my crazy-talk it is almost overwhelming!

To have simply shared energies for a moment is enough.
yet how can i not wish for more of such a divine nectar?

not to mention that i am tickled by the fact
that the song Dumuzi sang to Inanna keeps coming to mind.

I love the poetry of Hafiz

2006-09-02T17:05:00.001-07:00

In a Tree House

Light
Will someday split you open
Even if your life is now a cage,

For a divine seed, the crown of destiny,
Is hidden and sown on an ancient fertile plain
You hold the title to.

love will surely bust you wide open
Into an unfettered, blooming new galaxy

Even if your mind is now
A spoiled mule.

A life giving radiance will come,
The Friend's gratuity will come -

O look again within yourself,
For I know you were once the elegant host
To all the marvels in creation.

From a sacred crevice in your body
A bow rises each night
And shoots your soul into God.

Behold the Beautiful Drunk Singing One
From the lunar vantage point of love.

He is conducting the affairs
Of the whole universe

While throwing wild parties
In a tree house - on a limb
In your heart.

Hafiz

new adventures

2006-08-17T05:42:00.000-07:00

droppin the old makes way for the new.
seems i've managed to come to the end of that last section of the amusement park.
friends are healing their past relationships and it is great.
i am happy for them.
when i discovered this about sweet p, it made me laugh out loud with the absurdity of life and how things just manage to work themselves out the way they should.
sometimes we need to lose what we had in order to know what it was.
those who have known me for awhile now know how the story goes on my end.
it's been interesting and full of all sorts of ups and downs.
but it has all been extremely rewarding in terms of the friendships and connections developed as well as the personal transformations which were catalyzed by the whole thing.

the best part of all of this is that when the old ways drop, then there is finally room for the new!

wonderful new people entering my life.
wonderful new projects and possibilities.
i just finished and entered a remix into the Bugz in The Attic 'Move Aside' remix contest and i could not be happier with my version which you can download below:
low rate (128kpbs - 8M) right click here
hi rate (320kbps -20M) right click here
or if you just want to stream it, go to my myspace music page here
to hear other entries, check out some of the links in the Bugz forum here.

i feel more relaxed and inspired than i have in a long time.
lots of wonderful words and feedback coming my way, that always helps!

it's a time for change, for steppin out, for makin the moves.

new dj mix coming soon too...

now if i can just get myself started on writing that book....

new dj mix available

2006-07-30T18:31:00.000-07:00

New mix.
Mixed in traktor dj studio 2.whatever
Heres the tracklist: (artist/song)

01. Simon Grey - The Galactica Suite (Domu mix)
02. Clyde & Capitol A - Serve It Up (Starship Remix)
03. Tantan - No Music For Hlynor (Dogdaze remix)
04. Jamie Lidell - When I Come Back Around (Freeform Reform)
05. Bugz In The Attic - Inna Row
06. Ian Simmonds - The Dragon feat. The Ekonda Women of Kinshasa
07. Bugz In The Attic - Doghouse (Interlude)
08. Moodymann - When She (Reprise)
09. Wise In Time - The Fox
10. Phuturistix - The Message
11. filtered by the spiral - Intense Connection (Slipp Chilll Broke Yer Spell mix)
12. filtered by the spiral - Its Only Natural
13. Bugz In The Attic - Im Gonna Letcha
14. Dego & Kaidi Taitham - Come With Me

right click here to download the file
time x 58:20 mp3'd @ 128kbps = 53.4MB of tastiness
mixed by slipp chilll (your's truly)

mis-takes of love

2006-07-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

mistakes
all part of trust
of foolishness
of letting go.

the leap
off the cliff
more thrilling each time
more rewarding

whether or not
the visions
desires
come to fruition
the journey is worth it
especially as friendships
deepen

now
release
and let be
that which is
thankfully
knowing full well
that love flows

to free myself
from self imposed bondage
to love myself
wthout narcissistic need
to be natural
bold
without fear
trusting
my own abilty
to see
my own dis-ease
and transmute it
into creativity

detached from my creations
sensing no meaning
no fulfilment through them
how can this be?
as skill levels rise
as acceptance
compliments
become the norm

why in this moment
of thing coming to fruition
do i choose to destroy
my own meaning?

oh, dear dead rajneesh,
what have the words
which have flowed
from your lips
done to me?

here i am
at the breaking point
will it be a breakdown?
or a breakthrough?
how do iplay in this leela
with joy?
when my stubborness
makes me not want to participate
in this illusion?

to lighten my heart
filled with joy
somehow
i find myself stuck
unable
even in the face
of constant divine gifts

selling my creativity
makes me feel
like a whore

would you love me just the same
if all i did was sit and love?
is it the quality of my being
which draws you?
or is it only my artifacts?
for they are not me.
or are they?

maybe that is why i care.

do i expect to much
from me, from you?
in a time
when global chaos
is alive
and flourishing
all i see is
the great escape
as the masses
try to ignore
and cope
with the madness
surrounding them

i want to see vision
inspiration
excitation
hypocracy dissolving
warriors putting down their swords and pens
unless they are really going to sacrifice themselves
for that which they believe

the statement "NO WAR"
is an act of war
in itself
to hate bush
is to be bush
it solves nothing
and keeps you
from taking control
of reality
lets you maintain
the illusion
that your life
is actually righteous
when you are really
full of hate.

exhaustion
a week in an
isolation tank
sounds damn good to me
right about now.
to clear the junk
from my mind
so i, myself
can live as i am saying
without fear
without hate
without judgement
and without desire.

let the boldness of Krishna
unfold from my bones
and birth some joy
within my connection
to civilisation
otherwise
i do not know
if i can keep this up
without shedding it all.

for the first time

i worry about myself

decisions

2006-07-25T18:51:00.000-07:00

chose a path.
finally
hope for participation.
the move.
will it happen?
it must.
it simply feels right.
all of it.
my heart sings.
gotta get it together.
and make this shit happen.
this love
so natural
so real
so healthy.
inspired and inspiring
and i want it now.
where's that teleporter dammit!

reseeded

2006-07-23T01:59:00.000-07:00

Somehow somewhere I managed to lose my way.
Self righteousness, importance and an overwhelming bullshit notion that I am some sort of atlas that holds up the world.
What the fuck?
let that world down gently though, no need to shrug.
glide it down that arm gently, rolling back to foundation.

some twisted view of myself haunting me,
not letting me rest,
persuading me to believe that I have this awesome potential to wake up the domesticated primate to the all that is.

So many before so many to follow.
Selflessness has not been my way.
(but oh, how i try!)
Instead, I have been wearing the mask of the egoless
all the while worshiping my own vision in a way
that is ultimately the seed of my own destruction.

How to digest,
ingest,
transform,
transmute,
and rebroadcast that ultimate signal of the divine
which is in truth the song of creation that is all ways all time?

How dare I be invested in some utterly absurd notion that it is MINE?

Me, who cannot even manage to grab the reigns of my own creativity.
Who hides in his cave,
only to come out half cocked, ready for a fight…
to destroy.

All in the name of creation.
Birthed of kali yuga?

One more illusion on top of the rest.
They build into my own personal tower of babel.
Imprisoning me in this self made mess.

Christ, Antichrist, politicians, civilization,
evolution, enlightenment, magik, theology,
and all of the isms and the refutation of those very same isms….

Creating filters through which the truth is veiled.
The only one I am kidding is myself.

Chasing paper tigers….
Expecting, hoping for love to be expressed in ways and from people who I most adore and cherish,
but who do not see the same reality as I do
(do any of us? I think not)
constantly inquiring of myself why it is I cannot let go of these dreams,
these wishes and desires which overpower me.

I do not negate or deny this love.
I know how deep it runs, how the fountain flows eternal.
I know.
Nothing.
Everything.
All within the simple act of being.

To share all that I am with those I love most.
Multiply. Time and again.
More every day. All deserving.
How can I deny this?

How can I deny my love for thee?

Too much time spent protecting.
Both myself from the world and the world from me.
Sounds like death to me…
What have I become?
to where have I journeyed?

The straight path has no place here.
I weave to and fro.
Everything from the deepest suffering to the most ecstatic joy.
All in your eyes.
The mirror.

How long til all of us begin to really,
and I mean REALLY
understand that the objective is the biggest illusion of them all?

We love our fountain of progress in our blindness
to the fact that it is ourselves which we are taking the most advantage of.

Co-opting every bit of joy and converting it into coping mechanisms.
Nothing more than a way to ease the suffering
birthed from the detached life of the worship of separation.

Even the cetaceans are more capable of joy than we are.
Different modes of intelligence,
all nothing more than the natural aesthetic expression of infinity.
There are no hierarchies.
And I boldly claim that those who wish to impose them
belong on the bottom rung of the ladder.
(and yes, the dichotomy, the hippocracy is duly noted)

Externalization as a coping mechanism for an imbalanced relationship to existence.
Why do we worship our artifacts?
Can we not witness that they are dead?
The living cannot be cataloged, cannot be contained in museums.
It is only in the NOW.
It is process. It is a verb.
All nouns are dead things.
The noun is born of the static state,
of the need to capture a moment
for fear of it not being repeated.

And the truth in my experience
is that nothing is ever truly repeated.
Infinity has no need for copies.
It is boundlessly creative.

Yet here I am, repeating words, ideas,
philosophies and so much trite bullshit.
All of my enslavement developed in order to set me free.
The thorn to remove the thorn.
Once removed…toss both away!

Be joy
Peace
Love
Empathy
One
Loving
Golden notion
all is as it should be.

the transmutation is always in process
as the spiral twirls like a whirling dervish
through our own creative canvas of abstract time.

We must own up to our creations.
Our destructions.
Our overzealous interactions in our misguided battles for our own slavery.

Were you born to work?
to be another mechanizm in some great machinizations?
or were you born to celebrate existence?
to dance the dance of open creation?

Why can I not seem to drop the need to still think in terms of either/or?

all is and all was and all will ever be

Simultaneously

The fractured fractal.
Teasing, taunting.
Playing the eternal trickster
in order to help us awaken from our dream.

The only person I’m ever really kidding is myself.
And damn if I’m not quite the kidder!

Reclaiming the song of creation.
Letting it flow through me,
simply stepping out of the way.

Drop the fears,
the judgement,
the need to be right and to know the truth.

All truth is and it does not need me to say it is so.
Its potential exists of its own accord.
We are nothing more than collapsors of potentialities.
every one of us a cosmic mother.
or maybe just its mid-wife.

Owning our co-creative role is the only way to make peace with it all.
Civilization…I’m not buying it.
subscription is not a creative option.
Let the lesson be learned,
and let us get on with that which comes next
in our abstracted sequence of linear time.

Let this ax drop from my hands.
Let this water flow from my eyes.
Let this sigh speak loudly of release.
Let these arms hold you tight.

Know I am here
Always
In all things
Even in this goofy ass fleshy being
slapping down it’s minor appendages
onto the keys of this externalization of the human mind..

Relax
Unwind
Be

Beauty embodied.

megasardinecanonwheels

2006-07-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

megabus...inexpensive, and filled with as many seats as they can cram in there!
minnesota....Michelle....Ben Mono....
Morning maté....the new Bugz in the Attic album in the earbuds...
makin me bounce on the couch.
strange dreams...clean air...free neighbor's open wi-fi.
oh yeah..
life is so much better when ya include the adventcha!

got the tightest version of my cd together yet....gotta polish off those songs with some final accompaniments and dare i say it.... vocals?

it's comin..... so get ready.

wandering to center

2006-07-12T06:11:00.000-07:00

triangulation

three different directions
or are there more?
i'm sure there are
frikkin weird times
wondering how things will flow
reminding myself to ride the wave

awareness

wonderful friends.
be content.
the flowers shower
sometimes unnoticed.
but then i remember

silence.

random encounters
apostles
pharisees
fellow seekers
zombies
those slowly rubbing their eyes as they awaken from their slumber.
once again i remind myself

neti neti

drop my impositions
witness
love
relax
breathe
let the flame rise

a jewel in Indra's net

overflowing
none excluded
transmutation
compassion
empathy
understanding
cocreation
the great unfolding

all that is

i can see it in that glimmer in your eye
no matter who you are.
i know you may not be used to it
but it's only natural
nothing taken away but illusion

it's time for the dreamer to awaken.